Timothy, thanks for the review! Very helpful. Some of the stuff you brought up I just ignored and hoped no one would realise. It's like you just mentioned my cat... who died 2 years ago and I start crying! MEAN mate!

Quoted Text So to me it seemed like he went from shy guy to sort of sleazy guy in an instant, and that left me unsure about how he generally behaves around girls. I think you could have had him asking her more AFC type questions and just looking very uncomfortable trying to talk to her.

What I was going for here is that John is so pumped that he is talking to a random girl, that he just went for it. Quite AFC, as he hadn't built up attraction or comfort. He thought that because the girl was even talking to him, it was a green light, and BAM she's in love with him.

Does that justify his lines and what he did? If you don't think so, I will think about changing it...

Quoted Text Where Barry's date with Sarah is concerned, I'm not too sure about this. ...... So when she says "I never want to see you again", he might say something like "Wow you're a pretty good actress. And if I wasn't so irresistible I might even believe you" while giving her a cheeky grin.

Barry is a KJ, with SOME experience with girls. He knows lots of theory, but can't really pull it all off. At all. Therefore he gets dates with sluts (some see it as a good thing, but I'm going with what I think, and the stereotype, that it's not a good thing) and he gets needy ("Oh, i'm sorry I'm late blah blah"). He doesn't know HOW to sleep with Sarah, so he is happy for a date.
In some aspects it's the blind leading the blind. That justify him doing the stuff he does?

Great idea about the icecream. And I'm glad you like it, man. There will be 6 episodes, and I will be filming it, as well as some guys in England (different age groups, they will be very different haha)

Thanks for the read

Quoted from Tommyp What I was going for here is that John is so pumped that he is talking to a random girl, that he just went for it. Quite AFC, as he hadn't built up attraction or comfort. He thought that because the girl was even talking to him, it was a green light, and BAM she's in love with him. Does that justify his lines and what he did? If you don't think so, I will think about changing it...

Well I think it would depend on what his reasons were for not approaching right at the beginning. If he is very picky and genuinely not interested in those girls at the start then I think the way he acts here could be justified.

But to me it came across like he had approach anxiety and was making excues not to approach. I've hung out with quite a few guys in the PU scene and the new guys who have massive approach anxiety don't tend to have that base level of confidence needed to ask a girl out on a date. Like often the reason for the approach anxiety is a fear of rejection, so they open indirectly to get around that issue, but to then ask the girl out means there is the real possibility of getting rejected so they are too nervous to even suggest it. I think most new guys just talk for a little bit until it stalls out and don't really try and escalate it. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, and maybe John is a guy who hesistates at first then goes for it when he gets in there?

Quoted from Tommyp Barry is a KJ, with SOME experience with girls. He knows lots of theory, but can't really pull it all off. At all. Therefore he gets dates with sluts (some see it as a good thing, but I'm going with what I think, and the stereotype, that it's not a good thing) and he gets needy ("Oh, i'm sorry I'm late blah blah"). He doesn't know HOW to sleep with Sarah, so he is happy for a date. In some aspects it's the blind leading the blind. That justify him doing the stuff he does?

Ok yep that definitely makes a lot more sense. On the first read from the way he was talking to John I assumed that he was probably pretty experienced and knew what he was talking about. But I think the fact that he is a KJ is a better angle and could lead to some funnier situations than if he actually knew what he was doing.

Quoted from Tommyp Great idea about the icecream. And I'm glad you like it, man. There will be 6 episodes, and I will be filming it, as well as some guys in England (different age groups, they will be very different haha) Thanks for the read

Sounds like it will be a great series, I'd love to see the shorts when they are complete. I look forward to reading the rest of the series too if you post them.

Cheers,
Tim.

Okay guys, third episode is up, and it's a bloody ripper! I'm biased though, I wrote the thing! Why not have a read, share your thoughts and see for yourself! (I should go into advertising)

Thanks.

Hey Tom, goood to see the third instalment up. I read the other two again to get into the feel of things.
I love this series! Very funny lines, good flow and formatting. The antics of the boys are so Aussie, brings back some memories of my younger days...

On the subject of Australia, I think you should lose the Manchester reference from the first one. it jars with the rest of the Aussie slang. Well, to another Aussie it does, anyway.
Good job and keep it up! (the series, that is...)
Ain't it a lovely world where we Aussies can write ROOT in our posts and not get blipped?!! It just gives the thread more bite than having a miserable, starred out old FUCK...

Where can I watch these Tommy?

Stevie, thanks for the reads. Really glad you like the series so far. There should be six episodes all up. Yeah I just put in the Manchester reference because the guys that were making it were from the UK. "Root", what a wonderful word...

Toby, thanks for the interest. I've been told that these are in the process of being filmed... and they have been for months. Which is annoying.

I will definately update this thread when it has been made giving links to the videos.

Read the latest episode first not knowing any better. really liked it. Good quick read, witty dialogue. Two things I saw in here. The first was actually more of a question. If Cameron speaks before he's introduced in Caps shouldn't it be (o.s.)? Also on pg 3 it reads they're following simon instead of Cameron. Going back to read other episodes, but thought I'd hit you with that before i forget. NIce work,   James

Hello James, thanks for reading the script, and I'm glad you like it.

Because Cameron was introduced in the next line, it's okay for me to have him speak first, and it won't be OS, because we will see him say the line. It would be bad to introduce him heaps later, but it is only one short line, so the rule is that it's fine.

Oh nicely picked up (pardon the pun) ... the following Cameron thing.

Tell me what you think of the other episodes when you get around to reading them.

Cheers, and thanks.

Ok finally got around to reading episode three, here are my thoughts:

-On the first page in some of the dialogue you have used numbers when I think it is preferred to actually write the number out in words. (18 and 8 o'clock)
-I see that you are using the shots of diet coke to portray Simon's nerdiness, but I thought it was too unrealistic. If Simon offered the guys a drink and then pulled out the diet coke it would have the same effect but would be more realistic without them doing shots of it.
-I'm not sure what 'Gathering' is. I think perhaps it is just a reference that was lost on me.
-First page 'A girls a girl' is missing an apostrophe for girl's.
-Cameron's transformation from uber-nerd to cool guy. Why would a cool guy dress up and act like a nerd just to get free shots of diet coke? Especially when he already has his own alcohol and knows of a much better party that is happening. And from the way Barry speaks to him it is clear they know each other, so has Cam been acting like a nerd all that time? It's a bit over the top.
-When John, Barry and Cam leave the party I think the scene at Simon's house goes on a little too long. They are only minor characters and focusing on them does not advance the main story. I think Simon's line of 'let's get high on artificial sweeteners and flavourings' is funny and is the perfect place to cut the scene and get back to the main characters. That's only my opinion though, nothing really wrong with the way you have done it.
-On page three you have 'a cigarette is casually held between the lips of Simon as he struts down the street'. It would read better as 'Simon casually holds a cigarette between his lips as he struts down the street'. Oh and it should be Cameron, not Simon.
-John making the assumption that Cam is talking about monopoly. I can't really see how he made that connection from what Cam said, and it makes John seem exceedingly dumb. I know he is not supposed to be bright, but how dumb exactly to you want to portray him?
-I think you did a good job in setting the scene of the other party nicely. Joe saying he could kill for a beer though seemed strange to me as it is his party and he knows where all the drinks are, and presumably has been drinking already. If he was that thirsty he would have a beer already. And John's reaction again makes him seem really dumb, like he is scared that someone will hurt him. He doesn't understand it's a figure of speech and seems like a giant pussy, scared of everything.
You have 'fella's' in Barry's dialogue, but you don't need the apostrophe. It is the same later on when you have Barry talking again and have guy's instead of guys.
-I think you missed an opportunity to make better use of the drunk girl. You could have had John walk up to her and try and chat her up and then she vomits, perhaps on him or whatever. From the logline I got the impression he would be talking to a drunk girl but he never interacts with her, and there is comedy potential here.
-Is the girl Barry nearly kisses quite drunk? I couldn't help thinking most girls would be turned off by his attempts at bragging about having a big cock and the girl would actually think he is a loser. If she's really drunk or ugly or whatever it might be a different matter though.
Page 6. 'Sarah is sitting' could be 'Sarah sits'.
John asking no one in particular if they have seen him in that movie, I am beginning to think that he is kind of retarded because he is so dumb. If that's what you are going for then it works well. But I didn't get that impression about him from the first two episodes though. I also wondered about Barry telling him about being in the mindset and knowing he was supposed to be Russel Crowe and not Tom Cruise when it was Cam who had the discussion with John. How did Barry know what they talked about?
-When they leave and are in the living room, on first read I thought they were in the living room at the party. But I am assuming they actually left the party and are at one of their houses. It might be worth putting in the slug which house they are in and not just the room.
-Barry saying it's not Australian for girls to cheat. But I thought it was set in England. In the first episode you refer to a girl as Manchester scum so I am guessing it was just an oversight to have Australian in there.
-John describing drunks girls as 'yucky' seemed a little bit gay to me, like he is disgusted by girls or something. I might have said 'gross' or something like that, I think yucky is more a word that a little kid would use. Just my opinion though, nothing wrong with it.
-Last page, you have 'Barry gets up, goes to the fridge, and brings out a beer'. Could be simplified to just 'Barry goes to the fridge and grabs a beer'.
-I like the visual of the last line, showing how Barry is upset about what happened. Works well.

Overall I think the story is fine and the writing is good, you could just a trim a little fat off it and make it sharper. I do think it would benefit from having John talk to a girl though as I think it's important to keep up the tone you introduced in the first episode, and how John is trying to learn some game. Showing him talking with girls and trying stuff out would play out better on screen than simply having him get theory and advice from other guys. That stuff is good, but having him put it into practice and being able to see his learning curve and him getting more comfortable and proficient at chatting up girls will give the sense that the story is moving forward, that he is on a journey and being active and not passive. It will also link the episodes together quite strongly IMO.

Hope this is of some help mate.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hello Tommy,

I just finished reading episode one and I found it very entertaining and funny. It's fun to hear of all Barry's advice with "the moves" to put on the girls.  

For this first episode, the only thing I would work on adding is a little more identity to the characters of Barry and John. Something that will stand out for us during the read.

Once it's filmed, it's easy because the actors take over and do their thing, but as usual, when it's still on paper, we're trying to "see" them; so defining them a bit on paper will bring them to life for us.

I really thought this was well done. The title is perfect. Love the present participle here.  

Sandra

Hey Tim, thanks for the read.

Good idea about Simon offering drinks, instead of going with the shots.

Magic, The Gathering is a nerdy card game. Some of my friends played in years ago. I tried to pick a game most people knew, but I didn't want to say the full name, as the guys in the script would use nicknames for the game.

Hmm, yeah I suppose it was over the top with Cameron's transformation... I might change it. But I kinda think it works... I might tweak it to sound more believable.

Yeah good point. I will cut after Simon says the artificial sweatener line.

I think the monolopy line was a bit over the top, but it was funny. I don't want John to be that dumb, no.

John is awkward socially, so I think it makes sense that he is a bit of a pussy. But good point about Joe, he would probably have a beer on him.

I will make it clearer that the girl Barry was talking to is really drunk.

With the whole Tom Cruise thing, I wanted it to come across as if it was a well kwown thing. So Barry would have been told it in the past, so he would have known what John was trying to do.

John is only socially retarded. I guess I am going a bit far with him, making him such an idiot, just for comedic effect. Hmm, I have changing to do to the script.

You have helped me so much man, thanks. I do need to show John talking to more girls, you're right. I will edit it all soon.



Sandra, thanks for the read. Glad you like it!

Yeah, I should make them a bit more distinguishable. Maybe one of them wears the same type of clothing often? I dunno, I will figure something out.

Thanks again.

TommyP

I read one of your other pieces several months back.  Comedy isn't my forte but it seems to be yours.  It's hit and miss but you seem to have a good grasp on it.

Page#3, "where the beer flows like wine and the women are cheap."  This was hilarious.
Page# and #5, The conversation between John and Cameron about the hot blonde then she throws up was hilarious.

I'll have to check out the web series.  Heck have you thought about expanding this into something more?

I found you three episodes to be funny for the most part but then again I got a sick sense of humor anyway.  Your writing was good but I wouldn't expect anything less from a pro like yourself.

Good stuff, look forward to the next.

Ghostwriter

Hey Ghostwriter, thanks for the reads.

Glad you liked them! I am planning for six, and have done half of number four. I neglected to write this for a while, and I think I should finish it off soon.

Expand it into something more, you say? Maybe, yeah. See how this all finishes up.

Again, thanks, and glad you liked it.