Competitive Advantage by Andrew Allen - Series - Episode one: Two warring shopkeepers, Malik and Raj, must come together to face down the threat of a supermarket that could take them both out of business. 32 pages - pdf, format

I just completed the read, Andrew. I'm not sure how much I have to offer by way of comments. This is designed for British television, I take it? It's just not something I have any familiarity with. I was surprised to see this just kind of stop. It feels more like the first act in a drama than the first in a series, but as I said, I don't know how British TV works.

It's also hard for me judge the authenticity of the dialogue. It often seemed more dramatized to me than real, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be for these kind of things.

I try to look at scripts and analyze the usual elements such as the protag and his journey, but that really doesn't apply to television. Sorry I can't offer more. I tried. This is just out of my field of knowledge.

I feel I offered no help, so I will give this some thought, see if I can come up with something.

Andrew

I had a quick read and reached page 23 I think. At first I thought this was a comedy series but with the swearing and straight talking I was left a little unsure. If it is comedy I feel that the first episode needs to land a few more punches and from what I read (not all) it was a bit short on that. As said I would like to know more of your target (time, viewers, etc etc) before I could comment further.

Please also accept those are the views of someone fresh to this, although I have lived in a commercial world and understand the need to know who you are pitching to.

I appreciate that as a first episode there is probably a fair amount to set up and I didn't finish it. The actual setting I could relate to, as most British students would and I liked the potential for drama and humour.

I suppose I need to know a bit more. All the best.

I was amused by your script.. i dont understand the curses, obviously wont work on british tv(if thats what your going for).

The script itself was well written and as the previous reply stated, needed a few more punchlines if it is comedy your going for.

The father discovering his daughter with his enemy, is a pretty good way to end and makes me intrigued to come back for more.
All in all,  I grew up with british and Irish humour so I get it, I live now in america for 13 years and I understand how they will find the HUMOR as it`s spelt over here hard to get.


Keep writing and if you get chance... give my TV PILOT "Loserville" a read and reply It would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Thanks very much, chaps.

It's been an inordinately busy time for me of late and so I wasn't even aware it was live aside from Don's very kind email informing me it was so!

This was actually very nearly a feature, Kevin, and it's possible I will still venture in to that territory with it. In terms of where I want to take it, there's potential for it to be developed both ways. Thanks for the read.

No worries on not getting right through it, Reef. There is a tendency for me to straddle drama and comedy. It's something that comes naturally for me in the writing process, but there's a need for me to gain some fluidity in melding the two genres together. Thanks for the read.

Glad you liked the ending, IE. It's a little rough in how I've executed it so far but I'll work on that as and when I get the chance. Yeah, the humour in the script oscillates in terms of its effectiveness! It's not a comedy per se, but there's definitely an attempt to inject a few chuckles. Barry is a vehicle I hope to use more fully going forward. I'll get around to your script as soon as I can. Thanks for the read.

Hi Andrew,

This was a decent read. Not bad at all for a pilot. I think the threat of the new store could have been introduced earlier just to ground the plot and give an immediate point to the episode. At the same time, I like your pacing and appreciate the time you've taken to develop the characters. Still, I think you could have done that even if you introduced the new store opening earlier so I suppose I'll stick by my initial comment.

I didn't think the story was particularly funny. It seemed to me more like a straight family drama that maybe borders on melodrama from time to time. The humor seems to work for some people though and if the focus isn't comedy then I don't think you need to worry too much about adding more jokes. It certainly wouldn't hurt for you to continue sprinkling jokes here and there as you see fit, like you said is sort of your nature.

As for the ending... Well, I liked it but you know what? I'm going to go ahead and say it actually wasn't a good place to end. Come on, man. Even within 31 pages, you can tell Raj's relationship with Malik's daughter is loaded material. I think you'd do better to draw the secrecy of it over several episodes. Build suspense, you know. I've been watching Breaking Bad over the past few months and there was so much suspense to be had, especially during the first season, wondering if Walt's family would discover he's a drug manufacturer. I mean, it was just tightrope taught. Now we have to wonder if his brother, a DEA agent, will find out in the next season, as he's getting pretty close. You could do the same thing. The secrecy can just grow and grow. Make the audience dread Malik's discovery.

That's the beauty of TV. You don't have to get to the point so quick.

That's about it, I suppose. You've established a lot here and think you have potential for future episodes. A solid effort and a good start. Looking forward to seeing where you take this.

Hey James,

First off, thanks again for the read.

Yeah, there is a casual pace into getting to the meat on the bones, i.e. the large supermarket, but it was a deliberate act to establish the small scale operations these guys are running with the battle for supremacy being nothing more than banning kids, arguing over who's the biggest and being entirely unprepared for the lean, mean competitor that's about to blow their world apart.

It's a really good point re: the slow reveal. Just to clarify, do you mean the reveal of the relationship, or the very ending with Malik seemingly finding out too? If it's the latter, I did try and show it ambiguously so we don't actually know what Malik sees until the start of the second episode.

Cheers again.

I really enjoyed this, it was a good read. The dialogue is smart and well written, this defintely reminds me of all those corner shops i used to go to as a kid, only 2 kids allowed policy. It had to be Tesco's didn't it! The whole of Britain will eventually just become one big Tesco's!
I liked the plot but wasn't sure what genre you were looking at for with this, comedy or drama?
On the formatting side, nothing to complain about, found it flowed excellently. This is certainly something i would use as an example to help in my own writing, i have a lot to do to get to this standard. Well done, excellent work.

Steve

Quoted from Andrew It's a really good point re: the slow reveal. Just to clarify, do you mean the reveal of the relationship, or the very ending with Malik seemingly finding out too? If it's the latter, I did try and show it ambiguously so we don't actually know what Malik sees until the start of the second episode.

I mean the very ending with Malik seemingly finding out. If you tried to make it ambiguous, that's fair enough. I suppose I couldn't know whether or not you were actually intending to reveal the relationship to Malik in the next episode. But if you were, again, I think you'd do well to draw it out instead.

Hey Andrew,

Good to see some new pages from you.
I caught a glimpse of this on the boards.
I admit it, I'm an Anglophile, so I'm keen to check this out.

P. 8  The Tescos expansion letter. Let both owners receive it there on the spot.
       They both open it, read. Then look at each other.
       That sets up a nice visual "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" dynamic.
       Of course, it's too early for them to join forces.
       But it's a visceral in the moment way of setting up the conflict.
       Show us that beat, instead of talking around it.

P. 15  I like the Raj/Megha reveal. Classic West Side Story.
         And you probably know how I feel about that, if you've read a short of mine.

P. 23  I don't get why Malik is sympathetic to Raj at the bowling alley.
         Doesn't jibe well with how he portrays Raj to his family.

P. 31  Didn't like the cliffhanger ending.
         Perhaps Malik walks in on them making protest signs or something.
         Preserving that secret can provide lots of material for the show.

This is a fluid read. I had no problems following along.
Feels like a Romeo & Juliet spin on a BBC show called, "The Royale Family".
Obviously, there's a bit more plot here with the markets and all.

Hope this helps. Best of luck.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for the read and compliments, Coop. If there's anything of yours you'd like me to read, then drop me a PM. It's been a while since I've been actively reading on the site but I'll be addressing that over the next few weeks. The blurring of genres is definitely hampering me at the moment. This is my first draft of this script and will be taking that into account with the rewrite. Btw, I love Perth. Gorgeous, relaxing, soulful place. Adore the fish 'n' chips just down the way from the Little Creatures brewery (not to mention how I love the beverage!) in Fremantle. You must be getting some great weather right now. Enjoy!

Ahh, yeah, definitely agree on the drawn out approach. Thanks again for the read.

Thanks for giving this a butchers, Brett. I've seen your Clone Wife on the portal previously and promise to get around to it.

I really like that suggestion re: 'my enemy' and will give that some thought in my rewrite. It adds a texture to the dynamic that I touch on briefly at the end. Definitely an interesting idea for the reveal.

RE: Malik's feelings at the bowling alley - it's really a moment where we see Malik's strong man family act fall away a little and we get to see a little more of who he is when's he's not so determined to demonstrate strength for his family. Being a family man through and through, he sees any kind of weakness towards them as a failing and this drives him to be careless and competitive towards Raj. On top of that, he's a wilting flower compared to the bombastic Barry who is already conjuring up all sorts of plan as 'the Union man'.

The general feeling towards the ending is causing a bit of alarm at the minute 'cos it's coming across as indisputable that Malik catches them kissing. I don't mean for it to be concrete. It's supposed to be ambiguous. Definitely something for me to tidy up. Thanks again for the read.

Cheers chaps!

As with your EMD script, within the first few sentences it is clear we are in the territory of the Brits.  Aside from the obvious differences in language, there is just a subtle something you guys do over there that reads differently somehow.  But I can never quite put my finger on it.

I have read none of the previous comments.

So, it is clear you are trying to differentiate Malik from Raj, and because you mention Raj's inexplicable suit, you might be well-served to juxtapose this with what Malik is wearing.  You make no mention of this.

And I like the relationship you foster between Raj and Malik, where there is almost a grudging fondness deep beneath the surface that neither would admit to.  In light of this, I disagree with the slap on page 10.  It is too much, and undermines what has gone before.

Small point, page 11.  When Sarah says hello to Amir, I believe her dialogue should be O.S.

And, as expected, it is not too long before the social commentary in your work begins to reveal itself.  However, it is not so overt here as it is in the EMD story, and more importantly, it is organic to the story.  A better fit.

Codswallop?  Nice one.  Another new word to add to my Brit vernacular.

And I reached the end without generating a great deal of notes.  This reads very smooth, with few grievances as to the progression of the story, and it ends appropriately for an episodic tale.

Your lead characters are well drawn, and the peripheral characters are drawn well enough.  You have a few good arcs in place, though the story of Amir and the drama club seems far from compelling right now.  If you decide to keep that angle going you will need to pump in some real conflict, and if you can tie it into the larger story, so much the better.

Also, you have yet to introduce anyone affiliated with the Tesco side of the story, treating it instead as a faceless conglomerate.  It is probably OK to keep it this way for the current episode, but I would say by early in the next episode you need a few faces to represent the Tesco threat.  Talking about it and a few letters is not enough -- we need some actual characters to give this threat a real identity and to generate some urgency.

So I liked this, and preferred the lighter approach to the heavy-handed EMD, whether it was intentional or not. To me, if the social commentary plays out as a backdrop with ambiguous conclusions, that is always better than having a character spell out specific viewpoints in a didactic fashion.  Nice work thus far, and let me know if you have specific issues I failed to address.

Thanks for the read, bert. As you know, I always enjoy your insights and find them very useful in my future drafts.

Yeah, this whole script and world depends the chemistry of these two. There is a grudging respect hidden by the acrimonious nature of competition and their relative views on the world. This is very much a lighthearted world. The slap is a not a big thing - it's actually intended as almost a father son moment. It's more jokey than serious.

You make a very good point regards Amir's drama club - it is indeed due a rewrite. Having looked over it again, there's definitely a need to recalibrate the structure and the refine the conflict i.e. Amir achieving a small victory over his father.

It's another good point RE: Tesco and there is actually a character I have in mind that will become the face of the organisation. There are (hopefully!) some funny scenes between this person and Barry in the next episode. I just want to say, though, that's a great piece of advice to turn the organisation into a 'character'. It adds texture to what I have already developed. Thanks for that.

Glad you liked this better than EMD! I'm still working on this as well. I know what you mean about the didactic fashion in which Alistair goes about his business - that is a very deliberate move. He's supposed to be a bit of a joke not because of the views (that's inconsequential), but because of the way he goes about it. Contrary to a previous statement that garnered a chuckle for me, Alistair isn't a vessel for my supposedly Trotskyesque views! But that's skating on old ground.

Thanks very much for the read. Appreciated as always.

Hi Andrew.

I'm wandering if this is comedy or drama, I mean there's a few chuckle moments but spread a bit too thin to work as comedy comedy, if you get me?

I agree with Bert about giving Tescos a face. Tescos is basically the embodiment of 'The Man'. This is an angle which has a lot of potential for comedic value IMO. Average Joe, or in this case average Malik/Raj, taking on the man. I can picture the Tescos guy pulling up in his beemer, a crisp suit, dark glasses and a politicians smile. And when he talks it's all 'management speak', saying lots without really saying anything. If it was me I'd have him enter just after little runt and big lad. This way it may up the stakes a little, we realise what they're up against early, we would feel for them more I think.

Overall it was easy to read, though in a few places you seem to use a few extra or unnecessary words, a quick example is the last line on page 27... 'Seema watches the childish confrontation from the flat entrance'. It could just be 'Seema watches', we can see it's childish ourselves.

One of my personal preferences is to have no parentheticals in a script. I know it's fine to use them but for the most part have faith in your writing. Certainly in your script I didn't feel any were necessary. Take Maliks dialogue here for example (page 5)...

'Now you listen here. This is my
legacy to the family. You have no
respect for family, or tradition.
(first thing comes to mind;
childish)
How much for yours'.

The parenthetical there really bugged me, especially when he can simply say 'how much is yours?'. We can tell he's being childish, plus the fact in one quick move you save a massive 5 lines.

My last little point, if it is indeed comedy you're going for, you would want to aim for it to be aired on either BBC two or three, or one of the 4s (channel, more or E). If it was the BBC then around 30 mins would be appropriate length. If one of the 4's, due to adverts would need to come in shorter, I'm guessing 24 or 25. Just something to consider.

Hope that helps, cheers.

Hey Andrew, I thought I'd give this a read.

The writing is nice so that's a good thing.

So upto Page 4 and he says "Paki f***!" Ooooooooo! That hurt! Mostly because I was born in Pakistan until I moved to Australia when I was around 8.  
Only jking, it didn't hurt! Not a lot anyways . No but really, I know it's a script but I am pretty certain that Raj is a Indian Name. I don't know if that matters or not but Pakistan does have a fair few Indians there so I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Saying that though, Malik and Amir are Muslim names and I know a lot of people from Pakistan with the same name. Can't say the same for Raj though.
Or maybe I'm just over thinking this and their both Indian but the kid doesn't know which one is which.

Also, do they have accents or have fluent English? I'm thinking Raj speaks with fluent English but Malik has an accent.

Page 5/6: Hmmm, so Seema seems to be Malik's wife but I think Seema is an Indian name. Sorry about being picky. I know there is a chance that that he just married a Hindu or is even Hindu himself so just correct me if I am wrong about this.

Ok finished! All the name stuff above, it's not really important but I thought you should know.  So, I did enjoy reading this and liked the British setting.

The characters are very original IMO and I liked them a lot. But the story, I feel as if I have seen it before. Lemme get you an example. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0295718/
So the storyline is very similar except the obvious differences with the characters. You would need to put your own little twist or trademark in there for it to distinguish itself from the others.

The relationship with Malik and Raj seems very on and off. I dunno if it was just me but sometimes he isn't as dicky to him as he was before.

I think you should take away some of the swears because  this can be a fun family TV show. But, that isn't an important point to focus on because it's your script and your point of view.

Sorry I don't have to say much, if anything pops in I will be sure to post it. I would also love to read the script for the second episode because this looks as if it has a lot of potential.

Keep on writing.

Mohammad