Over The Line by Jimi Lamp - Series, Drama - A female border patrol agent works with a coyote to support her late brother's family. 55 pages - pdf, format

Hi mate, very intriguing logline... and brave to write about an animal. I took a look at the first few pages and you're obviously a very accomplished writer. I can't read it all right now as shooting starts on a short film tomorrow and there may be a crisis looming (one of the main actors is unreachable) that will take a drastic, last minute script rewrite to rectify.

I like the way you utilise direction, pushing those visuals into my head. This will be a very easy read. I will get back to it after the weekend. Just didn't want you to think I'd offered and not pulled through. Just seriously busy.

Hopefully this bump gets you a read or two too.

Thx for taking a look and now that you mention it, I should change the log line. Coyote is slang for a "human smuggler." Reckon not everyone would be familiar with that and it could be confusing.

Good Luck with your shoot.

Just letting you know I'm on this one. Only a few pages in so far, but good going. I'm a little surprised no one else has read it yet. I personally never check out series except for Better Days, but that was back in the days.  

Cool. Yeah, any notes, suggestions etc...would be greatly appreciated as I'm currently trying to do a rewrite. Fresh eyes, new perspective is really helpful for that. So that's what I was hoping for. At your leisure of course. Thx again.

Jimi,

Thanks for the read. Didn't realise you had a script up here until I noticed AB's post.

Funny, but I'm cynical enough to expect unfamiliar names on here to be erm, not so good. Quite why they couldn't be shows a cynicism burrowing deep, born of frustration at the treatment and continued.... oh, sorry. Er, in other words - your script is pretty good.

Read a few pages. Requires concentration so I'll be back on later when I'm not so distracted.

R

Ha! Had a hard time following you there, but have been known to be a bit slow on the uptake. But like your style.

It's cool. I get it. Thx for taking a look at it. If you have anything else you'd like a read on, let me know.

AH. Blood Group. I'll check it out and get back too you as soon as I can.

Jimi,

I'm not a big fan of using 'us' or 'we' in scripts. I used to be dead against them, but as time goes on I can see the benefits when they're used well. In your case, on the first page, it does work to put the reader in the situation.

I'd recommend using them sparingly though. Overuse can lead to annoyance.

A lot of your writing is pretty good but I had to read the first page twice to get a proper idea what was going on.

There's a lot happening and there's nothing wrong with that, but you've bunched it up a little so the reader has to take in a lot of different characters a little too quickly for them to be clear what is occuring.

I think you could cut the names down a little. When you introduce a character there's no need to give both their first name and surnames. The reader isn't likely to remember both of them straight off anyway. Especially if you're introducing two more characters immediatly after. Stick with one name, either the first or second. You can get into their other names later on if they're important.

Character introductions - everybody does it different. I'm more of a fan of a bit more physical description so I can get an image in my mind of what you think the character looks like. It helps to visualise what happens to them.

Like what you did with Adam. It's good. I'll remember that guy now.

Go easy on the camera stuff, unless it's vital to your plot. It gets tiresome to read and doesn't help the story. You'll get more people reading the full thing if you lose it, as it often makes some stop reading early.

I read up about the TV format a while ago. From what I recall you seem to have it about right.

For some reason I'm recalling the teaser on the Breaking Bad pilot script while reading yours. Probably the desert and the motor racing round it. Not a bad thing to have in mind.

Rather than write 'To establish--' on page 6 you'd be better off actually giving a brief description of the station.

Also on p6 - 'Steve is also Ray’s partner and there’s obvious history between them.'

It was all going so well until then. The writing's good and the story is developing well. The line above is telling, not showing. You can't film this, well, the actors could do a few looks that might suggest it, but it's to be avoided.

You can have asides and even some telling like this. I have seen it early on TV pilots, but I don't recommend it. It sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb.

p7 'Cherish' - not sure why you capped that.

Do please switch off the auto character CONT'Ds in your writing software. It would look better without them.

It's up to you of course, but I'd lose the Smash to Black. I'm not sure you can smash to black. And it's a bit over the top and not needed, in my humble.

By page 15 I'm getting a bit lost, so either there's something amiss or I've missed something. Maybe both. Probably just me. I'll leave it there for now and start over later on.

R

Ren,

Thx for reading the first fifteen and the notes. This is a somewhat polished first draft so know there is still work to be done. Thx for letting me know specifically what was the problem in the first pages i.e. characters names. Noted.

I admit I tend to overwrite the first couple of drafts and sometimes use asides as sort of notes to myself. I agree you have to be careful with the unfilmables and asides but if you can pick your battles and use them right I think they can be quite effective. However, the one you pointed to on page 6, I completely agree with you. It's cringe worthy and must go. It was more of a note to look at how to go back and create some subtlety or a scene with the characters. And, for sure, other stuff that needs to be cut.

I heed all of the comments. This definitely helps out as I go back and tighten up the first fifteen.

As for the ANGLE stuff - I hear you. A lazy, bad habit I use trying to get through the first draft or so. Will definitely pay attention to that moving forward.

Thx again for the notes. Very helpful for these things to be highlighted.

Watch your word count:

Code A faint RUMBLING sound can be heard in the distance...

Becomes...

Code A faint RUMBLING in the distance...

Code The RUMBLING sound grows closer...

Again in the above. The writing is not as strong as it could be. Here you want to bring the reader into the situation. Describe more what the sound is like... at the moment it could be thunder, or anything. Let us know what it is, and create urgency in other ways, leaving the rumbling ambiguous doesn't add the type of mystery you want.

Code Adam pulls his ski-mask back down and begins a slow jog.

Try to write as actively as you can. Begins a slow jog isn't necessary. Instead use the action block to show us where he is jogging.

Code Adam pulls down the ski-mask and jogs after Victor.

Code Victor leaps out and knocks the gun out of Adam’s hand. They struggle, fall to the ground-- Adam flips Victor on his back and straddles him. He wraps his hands around Victor’s throat-- Victor, struggling, manages to rip off Adams ski-mask-- They stare at each other for a split second -- a recognition -- before Victor clocks Adam on the side of his head-- Victor runs off into the darkness--

The above doesn't make sense visually. Not overly important as fight choreographers will figure it out.... but the way it is written doesn't make sense to me. It would work better if somehow, Victor ended up on top. From underneath I can't see him pulling off Adam's mask, nor punching him in the head.

Code They hug. Ray tries to Cherish it but it quickly turns to a rough "BRO" kind of hug. Adam walks up behind Steve. Her smile quickly turns forced. She nods at Adam--

The above is so badly written it could have been written by somebody fairly new to the English language.

Code Everything goes white as we hurdle toward the ground

Hurtle.

Watch your your and your you're... it's a personal bug of mine. It really isn't hard to recognise the difference. If you can say you are, then it's you're. If you can't, then it's your. It's the same as people that write should of. It's should have, or should've if in dialogue. Oh yeah, watch your too and to too.

I'm at page 19 or so and I'm starting to get seriously bored of all this family stuff, so I'm skimming it.

Code A row of five Hispanic men, on there knees.

I should have mentioned about the differences between there, their and they're too by the looks of it. Come on man. Google this shit, get it right. This is a schoolkid error.

Code STEVE Doesn’t look like he was gonna get to far.

Also google the differences between to and too.

Code Fe Rosa is tied down to a bed, past out.

You mean, passed out.

Code She squints her eyes...

What else would she squint?

I've got to page 25 and, I have to be honest, the story drags on and is very awkwardly written. There are moments where I detect something of a flow but it doesn't last for long. After page 7 things start to go down hill.

All I can suggest is cleaning up the grammar and the verbose nature of your action blocks. Perhaps this will help. Screenplays should be written as actively and succinctly as possible.

Jimi,

You're welcome for the notes. It's a lot easier reading a script that's enjoyable and clearly has effort behind it.

I see Dustin has been commenting. He makes some good points. Some are over harsh, in my humble. Don't worry, it's not personal. He's like that with most.

He did make a point I should echo. Lose the 'starts to' or 'begins to' stuff. It's a common error and isn't needed.

I reread from the start. Noticed the silencer - not sure he wouldn't do this, but I couldn't think of a good reason why he would. Considering the locale it seems a strange choice.

The masks I get - it makes them more sinister straight away. Again, they don't them out there, but they could be effective.

p3 'clocks' - I get what you mean, and it can mean hit. But it's slang for lots of things. It also means different things in different places. I'd be wary using it so early.

On p8 you have an announcement on the CB. Maybe they do things that way. The thought struck me as I read it I've seen that done many times before. I think I'd rather see another way, or possibly not even see it at all - just have them go there.

I read to the end. Overall it's pretty good. You've typos and the like need fixing, but I'd work on the story a bit more. Some of the dialogue is pretty good. Rest of it needs some work, in my humble.

It reminds me a lot of Breaking Bad in parts, the desert, the Spanish, some of the character types. I'm a little lost with the story as there is a lot happening. Maybe sometimes too much, or it might be me.

Try and keep the paragraphs four lines or less. More doesn't look good.

I think for this type of story, and especially as it's a pilot I'd cut down on some of the dialogue, or tighten it up a little.

Anyways, good luck with it.

R

Dustin,

Thx for taking the time to read a bit and make notes. I genuinely appreciate it. I note the grammar comments. Do my best to edit as I go but that doesn't always work for me. Most times wait to the end of the process to to go through all that stuff. Usually with the help of some friends as certain details elude me at times. Bit of of a daydreaming dunderhead.

Your comments on the scuffle between Victor and Adam I disagree with. Maybe not the best writing but certainly plausible.

As for the family stuff and it getting boring, I hear ya. As a pilot this will definitely not follow feature structure or pacing. Everything is a bit slowed down. Focus is a bit more on characters and relationships. For the most part that isn't going to change. And as Ren mentioned, the subject matter isn't new territory with shows like Breaking Bad and The Bridge. So the angle I was going for was a Meditative character piece. A much smaller scope. Whether this is a good approach or not, I don't know. But that's the angle that was interesting to me.

And for the flow: No question there is lots of patchy writing here. I totally agree with you. At the moment I'm still trying to fully find/flesh out the story and characters. Have no illusions this needs a lot of work. That's why I'm here.

As mentioned above, very much appreciate your time and comments. They are helpful.

And thx for the grammar smack down. Good not to get to lazy about the details.

Much obliged.

Readers will toss your script in the bin for bad grammar and spelling. No matter what bullshit you hear.

Have you ever been in a fight situation either where you are on top or underneath, just like in your story? It is extremely hard to punch from below, even if you do hit the punch will have hardly any power left by the time it lands. All you can really do from the bottom is try to prevent yourself from being pounded out. Once somebody straddles you, their weight holds you to the ground. Wriggling around will expend a lot of energy and prove fruitless.

Here's a quote from Bill Cogswell:

Quoted Text Being pinned to the ground is one of the worst situations you can find yourself in! Your attacker can rain down various strikes such as elbows, knees, head butts and hand related strikes. He could also utilize a weapon. Worse yet, your attacker can hold you down while his 'friends' attack you from an outside range, which can be devastating causing certain injury and in the worst case scenario, death! So we will assume you were pinned down through a number of possible scenarios, which are irrelevant at this point as you ARE PINNED! One of the first things I do is get my head tight to his body to avoid or at least take the power out of any strikes that may come towards my head. I would also try to get my arms freed up to either block or jam any incoming strikes or wrap his arms to keep him from striking with any force. From here, I would look to get some space to get back to a standing position.

All you can do is get out of that position through defensive moves and positioning. Hope your attacker tires after throwing so many ineffective (because of your defensive positioning) blows.

If you ever have your protag pinned, you better find a good way of getting out of it. Attacks, like punches, will not work, and certainly won't come off as realistic when filmed.

Ren,

Thank you for reading. Appreciate that you found some level of enjoyment and effort put in.

Dually note the passive writing. Will punch it up a bit in rewrites.

I see what your saying with the silencer thing. It would be used. I guess it was more of a character thing for Adam. He's not overly cautious or thoughtful. Bit of a wildcard.

I did a fair amount of research on border/border patrol corruption and human smuggling. These being the root elements to the story. Hopefully the angle helps separate from something like breaking bad a bit.

But the ski mask thing served two purposes. One being that Victor and Adam knew each other. And Adam is a freshie in the Border patrol. Also, mask are commonly used when "herding". I guess this is when factions from cartel groups go out and ambush smuggling groups and steal the "cargo." Smugglers also do this to each other. But see what you're saying.

The cb thing I think is just how it's done. Omaha is the name most sectors use for the helicopter. Info then relayed to the ground.But you're right. May not be needed.

Thx again, Ren. All this helps when going into the rewrite. Should get back to you on Blood Group by tonight or tomorrow.