Quoted from DanC Hey Mark      Thanks for showing me that "on the nose" article.  I didn't know that.  Now, I'm kinda scared a bit.  I get it, kinda, but, when SHOULD people talk?   I think I probably have on the nose writing far too often.  I really have my work cut out for that.  I need to review everything I have written, all 4 stories. Good thing I didn't read this 5 months from now.  I would (hopefully) have quite a few more things written. Wow, thanks for pointing that out.

No problem. I hope it helps.

It's a tough one because if you watch TV shows and even some movies, they quite often include dialogue that is 'on the nose' or use heavy exposition, both of which are supposed to be bad things to do. I think if you have an interesting story with well rounded, likable characters you don't have to be so strict with the rules. The rules are there to guide you towards creating such stories/characters that are easy to read.

A good guide is to read all dialogue out loud, either to yourself or with someone else if you can get help. Does it sound natural? Does it sound like what people would say to each other? You have the added challenge of a fantasy setting where people talk about things that don't exist in our world so you have your work cut out for you!

Then ask yourself, is the character saying this just because I want to get this information to the audience? If so, is there any way I can easily show this rather than tell it? If you can then do so.

There's always the exception to the rule ofc. Some of the best TV programs I've seen use a lot of dialogue that would be classed as unnecessary if you followed 'the rules'; yet they have been made the richer for it. Game of Thrones and Doctor Who for example.

Thought I'd return some reads. Otherwise I look like that tosser who just comments on comments on his own scripts. And half the time he doesn't even manage to do that without babbling on about his hair, or his trousers and where are his trousers exactly.

I do realise I was going all third person about myself there. And I've just noticed I'm also doing the very babbling thing I thought I might minimise. Oh well, best intentions, and all that. It's not like I'm in the Liberal Democrats or anything. God forbid. For those outside the UK just replace the LDs with the political party you feel most despicable and treacherous.

Sorry about that. Back to the script. Or rather back to the start of the script.

I'm not sure about that title, DanC. It doesn't exactly roll of the tongue. Maybe I'm wrong about that. But titles in this style and category are usually a lot simpler and clearer. I doubt using a character name unknown to people is the best policy.

Rather than repeat what previous commenters have said I'll have a quick read...

I see you've have some good advice from some good sorts.

This isn't what I usually read. I'll often watch films of this type though, so I'll give it a go.

I'm sure starting with the fight is the best way to go. As your opening gambit it's a brave move. But there's a lot of characters and, as we've just begun, we've no idea who these people are, so the stakes are very low. Fankly we just don't care as we don't know who they are. As some have said the dialogue here could be better.

To fix this I'd recommend either reducing this to a fight between two or three characters. Keep the dialogue to a minimum. Show their intentions and how dark or light their personalities are in the way they fight.

I'm only going about this as the start is vital. Especially in a script of this nature.

You've obviously got a vivid imagination and you probably know these characters well. But the reader doesn't. You need to introduce these ideas more slowly. Doing so with give them more weight and give you room for more drama.

Might not be your bag, but watch Jason and the Argonauts, or the lesser known The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad. These make Homer and those Greek myths a lot more palatable. The acting isn't the best these days, but it's worth it just to see the work of the late Ray Harryhausen. His work is still amazing. And it always will be.

I hope doing so will give you a better idea of how to introduce a world like this in script format.

If you want more comments then let me know.

R

  

  

Quoted from rendevous Thought I'd return some reads. Otherwise I look like that tosser who just comments on comments on his own scripts. And half the time he doesn't even manage to do that without babbling on about his hair, or his trousers and where are his trousers exactly. I do realise I was going all third person about myself there. And I've just noticed I'm also doing the very babbling thing I thought I might minimise. Oh well, best intentions, and all that. It's not like I'm in the Liberal Democrats or anything. God forbid. For those outside the UK just replace the LDs with the political party you feel most despicable and treacherous. Sorry about that. Back to the script. Or rather back to the start of the script. I'm not sure about that title, DanC. It doesn't exactly roll of the tongue. Maybe I'm wrong about that. But titles in this style and category are usually a lot simpler and clearer. I doubt using a character name unknown to people is the best policy. Rather than repeat what previous commenters have said I'll have a quick read... I see you've have some good advice from some good sorts. This isn't what I usually read. I'll often watch films of this type though, so I'll give it a go. I'm sure starting with the fight is the best way to go. As your opening gambit it's a brave move. But there's a lot of characters and, as we've just begun, we've no idea who these people are, so the stakes are very low. Fankly we just don't care as we don't know who they are. As some have said the dialogue here could be better. To fix this I'd recommend either reducing this to a fight between two or three characters. Keep the dialogue to a minimum. Show their intentions and how dark or light their personalities are in the way they fight. I'm only going about this as the start is vital. Especially in a script of this nature. You've obviously got a vivid imagination and you probably know these characters well. But the reader doesn't. You need to introduce these ideas more slowly. Doing so with give them more weight and give you room for more drama. Might not be your bag, but watch Jason and the Argonauts, or the lesser known The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad. These make Homer and those Greek myths a lot more palatable. The acting isn't the best these days, but it's worth it just to see the work of the late Ray Harryhausen. His work is still amazing. And it always will be. I hope doing so will give you a better idea of how to introduce a world like this in script format. If you want more comments then let me know. R

Thanks for reading my story.  I sent you an email too, but, I will say some stuff here for all to see.

1.  I'm actually writing an episode that takes place just before this one.  It will center on Sysmer's group as he defends the town from a goblin invasion.  It will include some cameos from Assa's group, but, it is mainly on getting to know Sysmer's group.

The idea that I tried to do doesn't work.  We don't see enough of them in the first episode, so, we can't care that they all (seemingly) lie dead at the end of that episode.

2.  The title I guess is no different then "The Legend of Korra" or "Fullmetal Alchemist" or "Inuyasha" or other titles of the genre.  It's a fantasy/anime series full of humor and serious elements.  I really can't think of a better title that would tie into the story.

If anyone has any ideas, I'll do what is best for the series.

Thanks for the compliment.  I think I do have a pretty good imagination.  I started using my mind to play Dungeons and Dragons (D & D for short) and this series is a representation of that time spent.  It's some of my greatest ideas and some of my most fun characters.  I wasn't really interested in being creative until I started playing D & D, even though I did enjoy the scripts in English class that we'd do.  And I did write 2 stories in grade school, both horrible.

If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.  I'd be glad to read them.

Thanks again for reading this.

Dan