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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Shaman of the North Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shaman of the North by Tamuna Tsertsvadze - Series, Animation - A young Viking shaman, Frey Eriksson, tries to retrieve the Thor's hammer artifact of his village from vicious god Loki's hands, to prevent him from fulfilling his evil plans of destroying the happiness of the world. 76 pages - pdf, format


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Redfly
Posted: September 8th, 2016, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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I didn't really get far into this.  This script is built on an interesting premise.  I'm a fan of history, and mythology.  I'm far from an expert, but I did notice some things with this script that could use some...tweaking?

You did something I haven't really noticed in other scripts I've read before.  When dialogue is being spoken in voice-over, you left align "V.O." but the dialogue is center, and that's only a habit you keep with the voice-over narration.  I found it a bit distracting, to be honest.

You also give the physical description of Erik twice, while not capitalizing his name when he is introduced.  Also: it probably isn't necessary to say stuff like "The camera shows..."

There's no transitions at the beginning.  We start off in the mountains, then a village, then a sinking ship, then a bedroom where a woman is giving birth.  It kinda confused me.  There's also a lot of talking via narration in contrast to the little action described.

Actually, come to think of it, the opening bit might work better as a brief montage of scenes, with the narration over it and maybe fill it out a bit more in terms of action, and then the montage ends with Erik's death.  And follow that up with a cut to the birth.

That's just stuff I kinda noticed.  But I want to say, congratulations on finishing your script.  And good luck in your future writing endeavors
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Tamuna
Posted: September 9th, 2016, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for such a nice review I'm sorry if my formatting is a little tough to read because I'm still new to writing screenplays, have written over 10 so far, and I've learned formatting all by myself. I notice that I'm improving though, and that is what makes me happy.
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