Rio Harrison by Michael Harrison Bendall - Series, TV Pilot - A team of truckers rescue a kidnapped family member while thwarting the cartel's attempt to smuggle illegals and contraband over the border. 57 pages

contest: Received good reviews with the 2017 Austin Film Festival. - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

@Michael,

I think believability counts in everything we write, even if it's ultimately a silly popcorn flick.  (Not saying yours is) I guess it's our job to sell the unbelievable aspects in such a way that they DO seem believable.

Some of your spacing is all kinds of messed up.   Don't know if that's a result of uploading it to the site or if it's actually like that.  I would suggest you reformat and post it again.

Be careful to indicate location changes.  Your initial slugline placed us in the bathroom, and then we transitioned into the bedroom.   Granted, it was clear in your action line.  However, given your initial slugline, you should use a new slugline (BEDROOM) for the transition.  

Scene 13 as well.  I would suggest using another slugline.

Some of your dialogue is hit & miss.  

Your (VO).  I would place them beside the CHARACTER CUE  instead.

Some repetition in the description of your female characters;

STEPHANIE HARRISON, a voluptuous full figured woman.  BETH STANTON, a beautiful full figure woman. I'd consider getting rid of one.  Is their figure important?

False Reality is when you move away from how characters would act in real life and start substituting actions that work specifically for your movie.  Take for example -

Exhibit A: scene 13.   Sidenote:  I wouldn't number my scenes.  

When Stephanie escapes from her so-called kidnappers, and runs into a hotel room and hides in the closet.    She doesn't bother to shut the door, let alone lock it.  Doesn't grab the phone and try to call for help.   I mean, she's running for her very life, and what does she do -- leaves the door wide open, and hides in the closet.  Even the most hysterical of all women would have... at the very least - shut the door and locked it.  

Of course the bad guys find her.  They just walk right through the open door, and snatch her from the closet where she almost gets raped by one of the bad guys.  

That scene goes over about as well as a peanut butter and petroleum jelly sandwich.  

Because that scene would never happen in real life.  Okay, 99% of the time it wouldn't.   Or maybe you wanted to portray your character as being that stupid.  Personally I wouldn't recommend it.   Point being, nothing about it feels honest and therefore it screams.  Henceforth - false reality.

Okay, let's flip that.  Why not have her (Steph) lock the door, then make an attempt to call for help.  Instead of having the bad guys just walk in... maybe they break the door down.  Or shatter a window, or whatever.   It's a suggestion, another option.  Just one of a few that would work better.  Regardless -- I'd re-evaluate that scene.

A caveat; this is JMHO.   My other esteemed colleagues may pass through, or skim, and dig that scene.  I do like the premise, but this, to me, needs more oomph.   Practice makes perfect -- or at least it makes one better.   Keep writing.  Good Luck,

_ghostwriter