Anniversary by M Lancaster - Short, Action - There's only one way to make a clean break. Super short, dark thriller - rtf, format

Hi guys, this is my first attempt at posting on here. This script was written in about 30 mins after an inspired cigarette break during a thunder storm. I'm working on a feature which I plan to post here as soon as it's done. Just testing the water with this one.

I'd welcome any feedback

thanks

Um.... hmmmmm????? Welp, um.... hmmmm??? Yeah this is um.... um what would you say? How would you say it???? Strange, bizzare, spaced out, nutty, hit and miss a little dodgy, maybe.

Anyways, you write well enough, that you do do. I saw this thing in my head, that's a plus... I just don't think I wanted to. It's a little abstract and at the same time chilling. I don't hate it, I don't. I don't like love it, though either. I do like it. That I do do.

You might need to explain this one to some folks, though. I think I get where you are coming from, but some might not. Hell I might not either for that matter, but I think I do.

Good effort, even more so for the 30 minutes it took to write it... Well done!

Balt~

This was a wee bit shorter than I expected, lol! Short but bittersweet though.




Spoilers --->





Let me get this straight... just to see if I'm on the same wavelength as you... the girl was his true love and he wanted to die because he couldn't have her? If so, then that was pretty powerful stuff! Sad too. I know he is a murderer, but it's one of those I can't live without them stories, which always touches me. It was a successfully emotional piece in my eyes.

I liked the use of voiceover in this. Really worked well. The weather was a good reflection of the situation too. You write well, though a little wordy at times in your description, you do manage to set the scene successfully. I love the use of rain in films actually, take 'Identity' for instance... It maintained the tone of the movie throughout, much like yours does.

I like the fact that the couple don't speak. If you made it longer, would bringing in their dialogue ruin it somehow? I think it might.

I also like the way the man doesn't say much, but what he does say is powerful. Less said in as few words the better. Often the case in life too.

I liked it. Are you going to extend this a little or is this it? I wonder if flashbacks to his relationship with her would be good too?

Andy x

PS- Welcome to the forum.

Hi guys, thanks a lot for taking the time to read and reply. I actually thought about extending it to maybe 10 or 15 minutes. It was really just a spur of the moment idea I had. My scripts aren't usually this dark and disturbing

No don't extend it, that'd just saturate it and ruin it. It's fine like it is. It could even be thrown together in a mix or compilation of bizzare shorts too. Maybe something that ranges from comedy, drama, horror and thriller...??

I think it's strange and a bit inspired by lost love and a scorned ego, but the burden of proof is not to prove yourself. It's that you believe yourself when you say it's over.

Keep it like it is. Don't extend it whatever you do. It'll only tarnish it if you throw in flashbacks and add substance to it. Right now it has a fast, sudden, early 70's vibe to it. It's all sudden and spur of the moment stuff, anything more would be as redundant as my post here.

Balt~

Thanks for the feedback guys. Anyone else wanna read it? It's a very quick read.

All I have to say is "SHEER BRILLANCE"

I really loved it... what else have you written... and I really like the length and the mystery you present. It's like the viewer can interpret their own kind of ending and meaning to it.

GOOD JOB!!!

Hi clockwork, thanks for the praise, I'm... flattered.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS










A few people on another site suggested that this would work well as the opening scene of a feature. I was quite happy with it as a standalone piece but I started thinking about what would drive the character to do what he does. I decided to write the events leading up to this moment, tracking the character's life all the way from childhood to where he ends up. So far I've written 20 pages and I'm happy with where it's going. It's kind of like a coming of age story showing the events that shaped his character and eventually drove him to murder and suicide.

Any thoughts?

Hey, would you mind sending me the 20 pages... I'd love to read em. I like your work. And I think that it can't hurt to write it. I am even writing my perspective of why he does this... thanx for the inspiration.

Well it's agreed, your short piece is awesome!!! It fits today's low attention span climate perfectly. I also would like to see those 20 pages if you don't mind. Also you should keep the veil of mystery in your current extensions. For example whoever the murder is I think shouldn't be obviously pinpointed in the beginning. Hell  maybe the guy that is the murderer wasn't the women's jelous boyfriend after all. Maybe she was actually a call girl that some desperate guy befriended and tried his hardest to make her quit the business and become his one and only love. Just a suggestion but i'm sure your extensions will  be as exciting as your previous work.

Thanks Donny. The extension of this script is on hold at the moment while I'm working on other things.

Is anyone interested in reading my work in progress comedy piece and offering a critique? It's about 30 pages so far and I'd really like some feedback before I continue.

Sure! I love your stuff so far. Pass it my way and I'll give it a good read and get back to you. Just email it to me. Thanks again!

Hi Clockwork, I submitted the 1st 30 pages as part one of a series, it should be up on the site in the series section soon

I have to agree with Balt.  You've packed plenty into a very tight package.  It is what it is, and while it's fine to go back and fine tune some things, it does not require much more than we've been given.

I'm reminded of those short segments on Night Gallery where they needed to fill 3-4 minutes.  Those were some of the best ones.

Thanks Bert. I'm pretty happy with it the way it is so I'm not gonna touch it. Thanks for reading.

Shameless plug...

For anyone who enjoyed this short, episodes one and two of Matt Among the Pigeons can be found in the series section. I'd appreciate some more feedback before I rewrite it as a feature.

Wow, that was pretty disturbing!  It's one of those pieces that leaves a little pain in your gut because of just how disturbing it is.  Short and sweet.  If this was longer than 10 pages I would have criticized you for the descriptions but the way you have it works very well.  I could see this as an opening to a feature, maybe a flashback or something, but overall it was a powerful piece!  Good job!

Thanks Greg, glad you enjoyed it

I loved it. Very economical storytelling, if you know what I mean. I would seriously consider shooting it. What would it take for me to shoot this story.

Glad you liked it, MNO. If you're seriously interested in producing, send me a PM or an email with a little info about yourself.

Thanks

For anyone who's interested, this has been produced by an Australian director named Andrew Babington. You can watch it here:

http://homepage.mac.com/andrewbabington/iMovieTheater2.html

For some reason I'm credited under 'Special Thanks'. I'm disputing that at the moment.

Anyway, hope you enjoy.

How cool.  I can't wait until I get on my other computer (the one with SOUND, haha).

But "Special Thanks"?  What a knucklehead this guy must be.  I'm outraged.

I watched this film. Pretty good. In some ways it would have been better sticking to your script and in other ways it was improved. The music was good and the graphics between some scenes were a nice touch.

That said, however, the whole “special thanks” thing is a terrible insult. Not only did they do that, they put you in with a group of others. It appears that everyone except the director and actors were done this way.

There’s a valuable lesson to be learned here. When you talk about “writer’s credit,” it needs to be made clear that you expect the credits to specifically say “written by” or something tantamount.

Congratulations on your achievement.

It was good for what it was, but I think they should have stuck to your original setting in the script.  Night, rainy, nice dinner I believe it was.  Echoing everyone else, it kind of looked like the filmmaker was trying to make the credits as short as possible, so they give their name, the actors, then everyone else.  However your name should have been given its own credit since it's someone else adapting your work.  How was this script discovered?

Anyway, it's still good to see a script on here adapted to film, so congrats.

Thanks guys. It's nice to get something produced but the way it happened has left a sour taste in my mouth. I had almost zero email contact from this guy. The last email I received was a few stills he sent me on the day of the shoot. Since then I've had nothing. I only found the completed film after googling for his website. What annoys me is that since I gave him permission to use the script (with full credit as a condition) I've turned down three other people interested in producing it.

Anyway, a lesson learned I suppose.

Mate if I was you I'd be gutted!
Not only does the guy have the cheek of barely mentioning your credit, but he's also done a pretty shoddy job of converting what i thought was a fantastic little script.

The way i pictured it when i read it, it could have fit in nicely as a scene from Sin City or something equally gritty and film noir. The film this guy's produced (because of the music and actors) is more a cheesy after-school special.

It's a shame, it's something i'd have loved to work on.

Still, keep up the good work and make sure you suss-out prospective producers before selling next time!

Martin, wow, this was the first script of yours that I read!!! Seems like a lifetime ago  

First off, I didn't realise that it had been produced, as I was probably shivering in a tent somewhere surrounded by killer bears, but, CONGRATS for that!

Second of all, I checked out the short film and think Andrew did a fairly decent job of 'Anniversary' actually. Like Greg, I really think it would have been better had the darkness, rain etc been captured, but I know that would have been hard to achieve.

Nevertheless, regardless of the way he credited you poorly, I'm sure I'd be offended too, it still is fantastic that it generated this much interest. I hope you don't feel too down about having had other producers approach you about it, because what's stopping you from giving it another go later on with someone else? It doesn't sound like you can't give it another go, unless you sold your rights away. If you did, then you'll have learnt a lot from this, but the road is wide open for all your other work.

Either way, I don't want you to feel negatively about it. Be proud that you've written a fantabulous script and that it's also been produced too, in such a short space of time.

Best of luck to you should another production opportunity arise, and of course, good luck with all your other excellent work too. I personally want to see 'Universe Explained' made, but sheesh, that really would be HARD to pull off!

Really am happy for you  

Andy x

Thanks Andy, and Pete.

Since you mention it, this may well be produced again in the near future. I'm awaiting storyboards from a director who seems to have a decent budget. I'm told there will be a rain machine involved this time around.

I'm not counting my chickens just yet, but we'll see what happens.

Quoted from tomson 3: What's a "snooker hall"?

Its a game like Pool only a larger table and longer cues.. The balls are single colored with a trangle full of red balls and certain colored balls placed at the other end of the D (Dee) and some oher colored balls placed on dots down the center of the table.. Colored balls are Blue, Brown, Green and Yellow.. A white balls is refered to as the cue ball, you use this to cue to a colored ball using the cue stick, for the use of a better wording..

The highest break (points) you can achieve in a game of snooker is 127 points..

You can gain even more points if your opponent makes foul shots because 4 points are awarded to the opposite player for hitting a foul ball.. So you can make as many 4 points from missed shots and add this to your total winning number..

A Highest break is a snooker player potting all the balls in one session without the opponent ever getting to play on the table in that particular game..

It's an English game, used to be played by Gentlemen but the game became popular and like Pool Halls, the game is played by members at a Snooker Hall..

There is a World Championship for snooker and the purse is quite a considerable amount of money.. The Yearly winner can earn a lot of money with product endorcements and such..

Some people say when you can't get out of a tight spot "You are snookered", this comes from a particular stategic shot made by one player were the white ball is hidden behind another ball for example preventing a way out of a clear shot, any attempt for the opponent to make his shot and he misses by being snookered means he will produce a foul and 4 points are awarded to his opponent..

I think Black-balled maybe derived from snooker too? Maybe pool?

Here's some more terms:

"In the Frame"
"Snookered"
"Blackballed"
"In-Off"
"Screwball"
"Followed Through"

Interesting one can come up with this stuff just out of your head...

Interesting script with a decent voice over dialogue, three characters and an unexpected ending..

Shame this is only 3 pages..

I have seen competitions for 3 and 5 min films and maybe this fits that category..

You could have split-up some of your action, like shots and maybe stretched it a page to 4 pages.. Maybe this could be extended to 5 pages, just an idea..

3 pages seem terribly shooooort...

Apart from these minor criticisms, this is good story and it's well executed, including the ending without adding any sploilers..

I know I'm late reading this but well done for your efforts.. Its good...

Thanks Kevan and Tomson.

I appreciate the feedback. I should probably have this script removed since it's heading into production for the second time.

Kevan, good explanation of snooker . I'd forgotten there was even a reference to a snooker hall in this script.

As I sayd I've read it.

Martin, I thought it could set in later 1800 and yearly Japan of 1900. It is tense but again I'm not sure about the extense paragraphs. Was It becuse it was an old script you wrote at the begin your screenwriting?

Anyway, it is very short and powerful piece.

heh cool little story man.  I can't really add much to what others have already said so I'll just leave you with this -

I dug it.

brion

here's another script of the day that was pretty cool, in fact this was messed up, really messed up.

I have to be honest and say I didn't really get all of it.  This was an easy read with a really screrwed up ending.

This had a definate film noir feel to it, dark and gritty, and I liked the VO, had a 40's ring to it.

I also liked the descriptions.


"the figure thrusts his knife deep into the woman’s stomach, slicing up to her ribcage. Her scream barely registers as the blade tears through her organs and she slumps to the ground. The man steps back in shock as the figure spins, driving the knife into his chest"

Thatr was pretty vivid


**********************SPOILERS**********************


Then came the ending and I was like WHAT?  I didn't get it, that's not saying it wasn't interesting or didn't shock me, I just didn't get it, maybe I wasn't supposed to.

In the end I thought as a visual story it worked quite well, I was just at a loss when it came to the end.

Good work

Hey flyboy,

Just got back from vacation to find this one had been bumped. This was my SS debut from back when I first signed up. My style's changed a fair bit since then so I'm always a bit wary when this one gets a fresh read- long paragraphs and 'ing' words are a thing of the past

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it. To explain the ending with...

SPOILERS



The script revolves around the misdirection that the VO is from the guy inside the restaurant, when in fact it is the murderer outside, reflecting on his previous relationship with the girl. That's the essence of it and goes some way to explaining his motives behind the killing- he couldn't bear to see her with someone else.

I actually got a PM from someone on here a while ago who wanted to expand this with some ideas of his own. They were good ideas, too, but I never heard anything after that. Maybe you'll see an expanded version of this story on here sometime in the future.

Oh, and thanks for the read brion. I must've missed that one.

I'm happy to say that Anniversary has been produced for the second time. I couldn't be happier with how this turned out, especially after the fiasco last time it was produced. I think Randy Slavin did a great job.

Don't take my word for it, you can view ithe film here:

http://films.thelot.com/films/3083

If you like it, sign up and vote. It's had a good response so far.

Hey Martin,

A while ago now I expressed an interest in extending your short but it got put on the back burner and having now watched this on film I feel it doesn't need anymore.

This was excellent, you must be buzzing mate.

Martin,

With this new bump of yours, my first exposure to the script was today.  I just watched the film online as well.

My thoughts on the script are probably nothing new.  As you've stated, you've dispensed with the long paragraph storytelling style.  Not that it was even a bad thing in this instance.  Two scenes without character dialogue is going to necessitate a significant amount of descriptive narrative.  I feel its often harder to get an entire story across in such a short space.  While what we learn is obviously only a fragment of the whole story, it is complete in that it gives us the Who, What, Why, Where, and How.  Short films are meant to be experimental.

As far as this film, that is killer!!!!!  It looks REALLY good.  Did you get a DVD copy?  How does this "The Lot" work?  Do people vote for this guy to get onto the show based on this work?

Great day for you for sure.

-Bob

Thanks guys.

The Lot is an upcoming reality TV show on FOX where sixteen filmmakers compete for the chance to win a million dollar deal with dreamworks.

I really hope Randy gets on the show. He's a very talented director and a big personality.

Currently, Anniversary is the third most viewed film, and the third most talked about, averaging 4 stars out of 5 from 121 reviews. Maybe Randy just has a lot of friends

I'm pretty chuffed and I'm looking forward to seeing how it does in other festivals.

In the mist of the whole plagerism thing with this movie, I decided to give this script a late bump. Well, the ending wasn't much of a surprise after I watched the film,(both of them), but this was still a good read. It's formatted like my scripts, which made it easy to read. Overall, this is a script I'm happy I read. Thanks for the good entertainment.

8 out of 10

This is sort of weird, reviewing your short after I've seen the production of it (which I loved), but I had read it before, a year and a half ago or so, I remember liking it. I still do.

You've got a very compact premise that works very well. Your descriptions are too long, I think, but very immersive. All in all quality work.

the one thing I actually didn't like was the repeated phrase "When a woman looks deep into your eyes...". It's not the repetition I mind, it's more the wording. It sounds kinda banal to me. It's not very personal. It's a sweeping romantic cliché that anyone could've said about anyone. I don't get the sense of any personal intimation or relationship to this beautiful brunette, because she's never really addressed. Women in general are. I doubt someone so in love with her, would generalize his love like that. When you're in love you tend believe your love is completely unique and unlike anything anyone else of the face of the earth has ever experienced. At least I do.

"When she looks me in the eye..." would make more sense to me.

But perhaps that's the point though...?

Anyway, you're a great writer, and I always enjoy your work. This was no exception.

And once again, congrats on the production.