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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Stoned Patriots Moderators: bert
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  Author    Stoned Patriots  (currently 3723 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stoned Patriots by Zavier Alvarez - Short - America's founding fathers travel through time with a magical talking bong. - pdf, format

Stoned Patriots 2: American Haze by Steven Cameron (wesley) & Zavier Alvarez (dick-nixon) - Short, Comedy - After a devastating nuclear attack, the Founding Fathers are once again pulled through time when a madman threatens the stoner way of life. 47 pages - pdf, format


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Martin
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hahahaha! You actually wrote it.

Good stuff. Very funny and very well written.

A couple of typos

Page 1 you say 'vale' when I think you mean 'veil' - unless that's an Americanism.

Page 4 'need elsewhere' should be 'needed'

The bong says they are needed in the past, around 1974. Surely you mean the future.

Overall, a fun read. Nice work.
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Nixon
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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yeah, I actually wrote it, I've been battling a cold for the past couple of days and was unable to attend school. This is the result of absolute boredom and maybe too much cold medicine.


Quoted from Martin
Hahahaha! You actually wrote it.

The bong says they are needed in the past, around 1974. Surely you mean the future.


Thanks for the read, yeah for a second there I was thinking in terms of my position in time rather than the Founding Fathers.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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James McClung
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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This was great! Excellent dialogue and a lot of funny references to American history. The conclusion wasn't that satisfying. I'm not much a fan of the whole 'it was just a dream' bit in movies but hey, it's a short. Shorts can get away with stuff feature lengths can't. I really can't think of anything else to say. I mean it's about the founding fathers going on a stoner adventure. Enough said. Good job!


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Nixon
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read James.

An alternate ending was written, which had the founding fathers in a car chase with the police through the streets of San Francisco. Maybe this ending would be more satisfying. A Ganja induced dream or a violent car chase?

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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James McClung
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Violent car chase. You could even do both if you wanted to. At least with the car chase, the Ganja induced dream wouldn't seem so sudden.


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bert
Posted: January 30th, 2006, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Nixon -- I was drawn to this one immediately -- even before Andrew's SS story.

And I don't care where this came from, I say it is still one hell of a logline.

Yeah..."cold medicine", he says...that must be it...

[SPOILERS]

*  This comment may sound rediculous in any other context, but you need to describe the bong's voice, I think.  Personally, I was hearing Mr. Hanky, from South Park.
*  The bit about the money was kind of funny.  I think you could have had Washington see Franklin on the 100 -- and himself on the 1 -- and be like, "What the f*ck?"
*  You and your firearms....does it always have to go there?

So, I have never read anything quite like it, and I enjoyed it a great deal.  I can't believe I am saying this, but this is one that definitely has some room for expansion.  I would love to see more of these guys -- there is so much they could say about what has happened with America since their time -- and given their slightly skewed perceptions, it could really be comic gold.

I am glad you took this idea through.  Really nice stuff.  I would read a longer one.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Nixon
Posted: January 30th, 2006, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Violent car chase. You could even do both if you wanted to. At least with the car chase, the Ganja induced dream wouldn't seem so sudden.


The ending has been altered and the chase has been added.



Quoted from bert


Yeah..."cold medicine", he says...that must be it...


That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  


Quoted from bert

This comment may sound rediculous in any other context, but you need to describe the bong's voice, I think.  Personally, I was hearing Mr. Hanky, from South Park.


Actually that's who I was hearing in my head, but how do you describe that voice in words?


Quoted from bert

You and your firearms....does it always have to go there?


Now that I think about it, you're right. Maybe some day, I've been considering writing a comedy (with no guns).



Quoted from bert

I would read a longer one.  


The Founding Fathers and Smoky could return, the new ending leaves that option wide open.

Thanks for the read Bert.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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Takeshi
Posted: January 30th, 2006, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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When The Founding Fathers had to stop the cops, I didn't really like the way the guns just magically appeared, it was a bit too easy. I've also never heard of red ganja, but I'll take your word for it.
On a positive note, the idea of The Founding Fathers being stoners has potential, and I think the title 'Stoned Patriots" is a good one.  
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Nixon
Posted: February 2nd, 2006, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Takeshi and sorry for the delayed reply.


Quoted from Takeshi
When The Founding Fathers had to stop the cops, I didn't really like the way the guns just magically appeared, it was a bit too easy.


Yeah, maybe I used the magical bongs powers too freely. Maybe I should add some limit to the Bongs powers.


Quoted from Takeshi
I've also never heard of red ganja, but I'll take your word for it.


Yeah, its real. It is also know as "Red Devil"

Thanks again for the read. Hopefully the revision will be posted with the next batch of scripts.

-Zavier




Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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Nixon
Posted: February 14th, 2006, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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The new version is up with the alternate ending, car chase and all.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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James McClung
Posted: February 14th, 2006, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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Sweet! This ending is much better. You understand you have to make a "Stoned Patriots in Woodstock" now, don't you? Just kidding. It's your call. Good job on this one in any case.


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Nixon
Posted: February 14th, 2006, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
You understand you have to make a "Stone Patriots in Woodstock" now, don't you? Just kidding. It's your call. Good job on this one in any case.


Maybe in my spare time, which is usually none existent. I don’t even really have a solid idea. Maybe the Founding Father have to save Woodstock from evil corporate sponsors. But anyway glade you like the new ending.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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bert
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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This is so clever and downright nutty.  I really like it.

I know you don't intend to devote a lot of time to such a silly project, but you really can't end this as you have it -- not with so much left to tell.

What happens when they hear Hendrix play our National Anthem?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Nixon
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Bert

I actually got a great idea last night; it involves The Who and their fight with greedy promoters. The Founding Fathers have to step in and save the day so that The Who can go on stage, blow away the audience and help established The Who as superstars.

Some side stories would include Franklin trying heroin, the founding fathers getting into a fist fight with the Grateful Dead, and Washington defending his honor in a guitar-battle with Carlos Santana.


Update: Most of these ideas have been abandoned for SP2: American Haze, although a few ideas are still there.

But then there is the problem of me not having any free time. Maybe I should put this one in the Collaborative Effort board.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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