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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Degenerate Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Degenerate  (currently 3947 views)
Don
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Degenerate by Mike Shelton - Short, Drama - An unlucky gambler figures out how to avoid paying off his debts without any trouble.  Or does he? 15 pages - pdf, format


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Mr.Z
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, you´ve got an entertaining piece here. Nicely written.

Here are some notes I made along the way (SPOILERS)

P.3 I would suggest losing the "FADE OUT / FADE IN" thingy; sounds like director´s territory to me.

P.4 “No, the invisible man sittin´ next to you ya. Yeah, you.”
LOL

P.4/5 Nicky seems more interested in asking questions to a stranger (Vance) than watching a game in which he had money at stake. It didn´t seem real; I wouldn´t take my eyes of the television if I was Nicky. I think that Vance should be the one trying to make conversation here.

P.6 Nicky´s phone conversation... hmmm... didn´t ring real. It sounded like he was just giving information to the audience.

P.11 I suspected from the beginning there was something tricky about Vance, but I didn´t imagine Sully was involved. Good job.

P.13
"LEO
Hot damn, that was some good actin´ in there."
You don´t need this line, IMO; it was a bit on-the-nose. We can pefectly gather this information from the dialogue that follows ("Vance: You didn´t have to slam my face on the table so hard, ya know."). Let the audience figure by themselves it was an act, it will look better.

Overall, while the story didn´t blow me away, it kept me interested all the way. Good job.


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James McClung
Posted: March 10th, 2006, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thought I'd give this a read. I breezed right through it and enjoyed it overall. This was a little lighter than the last one which also made it a little easier to get involved in. Nicky's character isn't too bright but I think he's a likeable one nevertheless.

A few things...

1. Mr. Z's right. Inserting FADE IN and FADE OUT in between scenes is considered directing.

2. Nicky's a little too up front about his gambling problem when he meets Vance. Perhaps he could say something a little more subtle that still suggests he gambles. I think it'd work better that way.

3. I've never heard the term "beelines" before. What's it mean? You may want to change it.

4. I think the end could use some closure regarding the "stiff" in Sully's bar. Perhaps you could end with him dragging it into a backroom or something.

All in all, a short, entertaining read with an excellent twist. Good job.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
James McClung  -  March 12th, 2006, 5:57am
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Kevan
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Mike

Good script, I enjoyed the read..

I would extend the page count to 15 pages if you can..

You could increase some of your descriptions action a little..

Dialogue is very good, could be improved and cut here and there just to tighten it up..

Characters are good and believable and there is a nice tempo to the piece, especially with the Game on the TV in the background..

I would listen to a game on the TV and insert it into each scene where you can hear the crowd and maybe occasionally the game commentator in the background, would add more dimension to the atmosphere and add even more dynamics to the unfolding drama, especially as one of the characters has placed a bet on the game and he will be listening to it with one ear whilst talking to the other characters in the bar...

Some of your action could be improved some, just so they read a little more like cinematic shots..

Someone else mentioned in this thread about using FADE IN: and FADE OUT between scenes, yep, you don't need those..

Would love to see this taken to a next draft and would like to read it once you've done it..

Good job, great twist..

One final thing, I'd call your script The Insurance Policy because the VANCE character not only says he sells insurance but he obviously provides insurance to those lone sharks who loan the money, if they don't get paid they use him as insurance to perform the dastardly deed on those payment defaulters..

Well done anyways.. Let us know if you do a re-write and I’ll take another look..
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tomson
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

Another nice one! Liked the idea a lot.

Here are a few things that would make this better in my mind (maybe no one else's).

SPOILERS:

Right off the bat I had a hard time with "Nicky". Not the character, but his name. I know a character can have any name the writer chooses, but to have a more real ring to the story I think you could've picked a more suitable name.
Nicky, to me sounds both feminine and fairly modern. He's supposed to be almost fifty. I've known a couple of Nicks in that age group, but Nicky? He's a fat, gambling, beer drinking fifty year old in a T-shirt, Nicky just doesn't seem to fit.

I think I've mentioned this in one of your other scripts, you need to shorten your dialogue lines! I've been told that ideally, you should have no more than six words per line. Seven if you have to, but never more.

You describe Vance as skittish. This is fine, except for his actions and dialogue isn't skittish or nervous. Someone fitting that description doesn't challenge or asks probing questions.

From here on the story went well. I liked the twist.
I just had those few things that to me made the story just a little less real if you know what I mean.

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Shelton
Posted: March 12th, 2006, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone,

Thanks a lot for the feedback.  I worte this a few months back when a filmmaker had read one of my scripts, but was looking for something a bit different.  Ended up going with a rewrite of a pre-existing script, but I liked the end result of this enough to submit it.

I may end up doign a rewrite at some point, but it's definitely way down on the list since I'm focusing on my features right now.

I agree with the fade in and fade out.  I just needed to do something to show time passing, and since there's only one location, that's all I could think of.

Tomson,

His real name is actually Nick.  It's just one of those references like people named Jim are called Jimmy, Tim as Timmy, etc.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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FilmMaker06
Posted: March 15th, 2006, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Degenerate means "f" you in polish, Mike...you of all people should know that.  

-Landon
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greg
Posted: March 17th, 2006, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I actually had a problem with this.  The thing mostly is that we've already read the exact same story in "High Stakes."  I realize that this is a technical rewrite and restructuring of it for that filmmaker(whatever happened with that anyway?), but it's basically the same thing.  In my opinion, I actually enjoyed this one better than High Stakes.  Maybe because High Stakes had that fantasy type ending which still left you asking a question or two, but I feel that Degenerate has a more authentic feel to it.

Here's what I mean with the identical parallel

You got Nicky, the desperate gambler who's trying to win just once and break even/and Cap, who's a master at poker and wins virtually everytime.

Then there's Vance, the odd guy who comes in, draws attention etc/and Inferno, who also draws attention, but comes in relaxed as opposed to the nervous Vance.

And then the ending in Degenerate has the odd Vance shooting Nicky in the head, thus putting an end to his gambling/and Inferno taking Cap to hell, thus ending his gambling as well.

Now, I actually did enjoy this more than High Stakes.  The 15 pages breezed by fast, but my problem is just what I explained above: It's been done.  Is that necessarily a bad thing?  Not really.  I'd say if you were to produce one of the two then I'd go with Degenerate, because it really does top Stakes.  

So it was a fun read, don't get me wrong.  I'm just not the kind of guy who enjoys reading rewrites, but that's just me.  Since you got new readers here it doesn't seem to be a problem.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 19th, 2006, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mike,
I read this and found myself agreeing with other people's responses. This is a little gem, though. A quick read, entertaining, and with a nice twist.

The things I'd go along with are more description. There's a lot of talking here. I'd agree with Kevan with showing some more of the game on the TV. Loose the Fade in and out in the middle. Stuff they've already suggested, but I came in late on this one.

Ann Arbor? Nice! It's a college town right around the corner from me, and I'm positive that there is a lot of betting on the games.

As always, I'll be looking forward to reading your next script.

Cindy  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Shelton
Posted: March 19th, 2006, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Greg and Cindy,

Thanks for the feedback.

I know what you mean about the parallel storylines Greg.  When I submitted High Stakes, which he liked, but he was looking for something different, more along the lines of this, so I decided to write it, and I also did a rewrite of High Stakes that's a mixture of this as well as the High Stakes that's currently available to read on the site. He ultimately decided to go with the High Stakes rewrite opposed to this, so I figured I'd submit it for feedback.  I'm waiting for the contract in the mail, and if all goes well it should be in the can by the end of the year.


The Fade In/Fade Out was the only way I could think of to show that some time has passed since this takes place entirely in one location, but I do agree it's a direction, and should be lost.  I wanted to show a little more of the game, but I was afraid that there would be a hevy reliance on finding stock footage to use, so i ended up using it sparingly.

Yep, Ann Arbor, nice Midwestern town, and the home of the University of Michigan.  I figured gamblers, football fans, and Michigan(ers?) would like that.

Thanks for the read.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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greg
Posted: March 19th, 2006, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Has the guy paid you for this yet?


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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 20th, 2006, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Of the two, High Stakes was my favorate, but I enjoyed this one as well.

Good job, and so cool it's getting produced!  

cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Shelton
Posted: March 20th, 2006, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Has the guy paid you for this yet?


No, I'm still waiting to finalize everything on this.



Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 23rd, 2006, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty good read, I liked a lot of the dialog, but I did know Vance was there to kill Nicky, it was kinda obvious to me, but that still didn't stop me from enjoying this, it was fun to see how it was gonna happen.

one thing I may haven't of got is why the whole thing with Leo, I didn't get that if Vance was just gonna kill Nicky anyways, was that because of Freddy being there. If I were a hitman I would just walk in there and blow both there heads off(I'm cold hearted I know).  This was a lot of fun though, keep up the good writing.


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Ayham
Posted: December 1st, 2006, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I stumbled over your script earlier and thought I'd give it a read.

It was enjoyable over all and the characters were believable and had very natural dialogue. Not sure about Leo though and the little *acting job* he performed with Vance, why go through the trouble if Vance was going to shoot Nicky anyway? I'm assuming maybe they wanted to scare Freddy off so they can get Nicky?

The bar being empty on both nights except from the guys was a bit overplayed, especially on game night

It was a fun read all in all especially when Vance pulled out the gun and shot Nicky point blank, I didn't see it coming.

Good job.

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