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Have A Nice Day by Michel J. Duthin - Short - After a tragic break, Louise meets Terry. But is it really the first day of the rest of her life? 8 pages - pdf, format
Thank you Pedro. Let's say that metallic voice is somewhere the fatality's voice or maybe the last thing that Eva could remind at the precise instant of her death. Life is a little dark, isn't it?
You know, I read this the other day but didn't comment on it. I didn't recognize the name at first -- but I've seen you reading some stuff around here, which is cool -- and always preferable to new members that beg for reads while contributing nothing.
Comments contain SPOILERS:
* You should remove every instance of the word "WE" from your script. It's like a rule. For example, "We can hear the noise of a water drop" could become, "The PLUNK-PLUNK of a dripping faucet is the only sound", or something like that. But a few seconds later you suggest that someone is filling the tub, and the sound of running water becomes "deafening". That's confusing. Which is it? * Lose all the "TIME CUTS:" -- another convention that is not seen in spec scripts. New sluglines are enough to signal a new scene. And you already tell us that it's "later" anyways. * When Terry says, "I'm sincere", he actually comes off as kind of a freak. His dialogue was working fine up to that point, however. * Don't ever tell us what "the camera" is doing. Another rule. Just describe what you imagine on the screen without using that particular word. * Heh -- saved by a machine -- and later, quite the opposite. Is that the point here?
You have a nice way with words, though sometimes the language barrier creeps in, as with other foriegn writers around here. Check out some stuff from Helio haha. But, as with Helio, the story itself is strong enough to carry us over those small bumps, and I suspect most readers won't mind.
This is a simple story, simply told. Nice job.
[Edit: Hey, and stop disrespecting Horror scripts. You're gonna hurt my tender little feelings.]
[quote=Bert] You have a nice way with words, though sometimes the language barrier creeps in, as with other foriegn writers around here.
Show some examples, please. Il really want to improve mys style. I have to admit I wrote in two hours. Maybe I should have re-read myself, but I was short in time
Hey Again! I just read your short story. It's really good, tragic and full of meaning. I particularly found it really meaningful, considering the fact that I'm a fate person! Still... you did a really nice job, this is the second script that i've read from you and I really think that you are going places, you just need to improve some aspects... but... don't we all? I'm gonna keep reading some of your other scripts!
Hey Michel, got a couple of comments about this one.
*SPOILERS*
I liked how it starts, you've got a hook right away. Couldn't help but wonder why was she going to kill herself, and who was 'him' and why he was so important. The anwser to those questions is left to the reader's imagination but it's fine for a short.
My only problem with the story is that Eva's mood change seemed too sudden. We meet her in a suicidal state and in the next scene she's 'ready to conquer the world'. You should work a bit more on this process.
Think of personality changes as a math equation: the final result is not enough to pass the test, you've got to show your math.
Bert already gave you good tips about format. Check out the articles listed below, follow their advice and your scripts will read much better.
Note: This post will probably be very boring to anyone but Michel.
Michel, you seem concerned about your lapses in English, so I thought I would go back through this and pluck them out for you. We'll correct Helio and Mr. Z from time to time as well, and as with them, when the story is good, no reader (around here, anyway) is going to hold any of this stuff against you.
As I said -- none of them is a big deal -- and in no instance is your true meaning lost, but since you asked:
"is leaned over the bathtub" should be "leans over the bathtub"
"puffed and redden" should be "puffed and reddened" or (better) "puffy and red"
"She finishes to draw" should be "she finishes drawing" or (better) "she draws"
"her rhythm paces" should be "her rhythmic pace"
"Are you always eating this way?" should be "Do you always eat this way?"
"laughing as a little girl" should be "laughing like a little girl", or (better) "laughs like a little girl."
For a script, try to avoid the "ing" ending with verbs. Keep them active instead of passive. They read stronger that way.
Hey michel, I read your little short this morning. Here's my thoughts...
Listen to bert, also describe what is seen, do not tell...
Your opening scene you say the rooms are tidy. Then you say drawers are half-empty, and there's a wardrobe with only feminine clothing... How do we know that if the room is tidy? So then I assume that the drawers are open, as well as the wardrobe and it's not tidy at all.
Metallic Voice COMPUTER GENERATED VOICE (V.O.) (on the phone) should be something like or MAN (V.O.)
I also agree that she went from wanting to kill herself, to completely fine way too quick. I'd build on her having a bad day at first. Maybe it's raining outside, the dresser drawers are open, the room is a mess... Maybe she touches something and it falls to the floor and breaks... Everything is doom and gloom in her world. Something has to change her mind about wanting to die. Maybe it was her man on the phone wanting to meet her somewhere??? Maybe he's coming over??? I don't know, but something. Have her go from gloom to hope, maybe pick up her apartment as she waits for him, then go to the part where she gets killed somehow, but try to make it original. Your story just needs some fleshing out.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
First thing, when you say that the water is hot on the very first page. You need to describe how it is hot. Is it bubbling or steaming? I didn't know, and that's not correct from what I've heard.
How does she violently hang up? Does she slam it against the reciever? Does she scream and throw it? We need to know what violent is!!!
I'm confused, she wakes up out of a dream on page 3? Or what? There wasn't any indication of a scene change here.
On page for, how does the child's mother look like she has been pushed over the limit? Is her hair in knots, does she glare???
That's the problem with your script. You don't explain what anyone or anything is like. You say she looks pushed over the edge, but what is pushed over the edge? I'm sorry if i'm coming across as harsh, but I had trouble.
That whole paragraph in caps shouldn't be in caps whatsoever.
The ending left me saying out loud... Dur dur dur... I didn't understand that part. In fact, I didn't understand the entire script.
English isn't your first language and Bert's already talked to you about that so... SPOILERS Who's Tom? Is he her ex or what? Explain why she was going to slit her wrists.
Your descriptions are very vague, like Cindy says, you need to describe what we see, not what the characters are feeling (unless they, for example, LOOK sad or upset). Don't just say "She is angry" or "She is furious" - describe that they LOOK furious like "Her face is red and she is frowing angrily" or something.
Your ending wasn't as effective as it could have been. You could have made us get to know Eva more before killing her, maybe it would have meant more. Still, I never saw her death coming and it was a surprise and slightly upsetting.
Overall, if you fixed the things in you descriptions Bert said too,(and listened to my review ) this would be a vey good short.
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Have a Nice Day
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