Not Even Death by Phil Clarke Jr.  - Short, Horror - A man keeps his zombiefied wife chained in the basement, constantly looking for any spark of humanity in her. 6 pages - pdf, format

That was a quick read. It was good, too.

*******SPOILERS (I guess)********

You could ad a few pages outside of their house, explaining why she is a zombie. You know, go to that gas station and show the other zombies. It is needed, but it would be a cool little ad on.

There was one place on page 4 that David has a-how do I say it?-double dialogue?

Like this:

Quoted Text DAVID Blah Blah Blah DAVID Blah Blah Blah

There wasn't any reason for you to write his name again.


Anyway, it was a good read. I wish I could pop scripts out this good and fast.

-Chris

Decent for 6 pages. I didn't like the way he'd stop and start talking all the time. Just, stop and start... Over and over and over.

Also, I'd just put "DRY & CRACKED" instead of the very in there. It's a little thing, but it'd make it read a bit faster.

I liked the part when he was like... "They found 12 more zomb -- people like you" but I'd put simply  "They found 12 more like you"

I don't see a zombie having the strength to do any of the stuff they seem to do in these "NEW" zombies movies... oh, wait, they're not zombies no more... they're "DEMONS" that's right. Same goes for the end here.

I also don't see how he got bit. He had the gun. I don't get that... Why not shoot?

All in all, great, fast, conclusive read... I'm in the midst of ERAGON right now and it's also amazing "for fan fic" it's the best I've ever read.

I recommend it to anyone who wants to learn a good deal from it.

Back to subject here, though... This is a decent script. I liked it a bit more than I thought I would.

You know, I can appreciate the "look at me see how fast I can bust out a script" mentality during the one-week exercises -- but I don't really get the point of doing that otherwise.

I mean, when you do that, you are obviously posting "first draft" work.

Sure, it's competent and all.  But I've read your work, and this one reads like you wrote it very quickly.

There isn't much new there.  There is some sentimentality, which is always the most interesting "zombie" aspect to me.  But I've seen that before.  And the nail pulling out of the wall is kind of a tired device.  And I don't know why you gave him a gun he had no intention of using.

You're better than the "look at me" guys, Phil.  I find it confusing that you would try to point out the absurdity of that "club" by joining its ranks.  It "feeds the beast" -- and only encourages other, less-competent writers to follow suit.

Thank you, everyone, for reading this script.

While I do agree with you, Bert about rushing the script, it was something I wanted to do as I don't normally participate on the one week challenge.  The thought hit me and I ran with it.  The nail is cliche, but if she didn't get out, there would be no ending to the story.  In regards to the gun, David thought he would've used it if he had to.  Another cliche, but a necessary one.


Phil

Phil

I have read a few of your scripts... and they seemed better than this one. Maybe Zombies errr Demons isnt my thang. Anyway, a writer could learn quite a bit from you and your style. It is better than good it is great. Having said that...

I read the comment from Bert. Oh my God! Does he think he is god? I am a very cynical and sarcastic writer probably because thats me in a nut shell. Cynicism seems to be running high at the CEO of the boards level. There are quite a few really aspiring writers here. Some truly want to get better. While some are absolutely "look at me" writers. However, it is never a good thing to bust the dream bubble of some people. This is one tough business and cynicism and negative aura is not needed. You and Bert being two of the best should rise to the occassion and mentor some people more than you do.

Hey, here is an idea... maybe the site could offer coaching or something like that. We all need a coach. I would love to have either you or Bert step up and put this into effect.

Back to your script. I did notice one glaring thing that made me go Hmmm. The Zomie is pregnant and she has been nail to the wall for a year and half. How does that happen. Is she give birth to an elephant?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and I look forward to reading more of your great stuff.

Spencer

One more thought. Maybe the "look at me" writer might have to serve a probation period like maybe 50 reads and reviews.

Spencer

Phil,
Doesn't rank up with your best work, but I do have to agree with you on one point. Sometimes there is a story in you that you want to tell and it may not necessarily be along the lines of your normal style. I'm hoping that you wrote this sincerely because it's a story you wanted to tell and not because you are proving a point that people throw together a story and submit it (which I don't think you did).

I actually liked it, just not as strong and witty as your normal work. Basically, if I was at a video store, it would be a rental, not a purchase.

Take Care,
Stew

The point I was trying to make with this story is that you can write an original zombie story.  That and you can write a good five page script.  I am going to rewrite this and flesh it out a little bit.

Spencer, I don't know where you got the idea that she was pregnant.  She had a kid, who's about eight, IIRC.

In regards to mentoring the new people, my plate is pretty full right now.  I'm trying to sell my work and have people interested in my two features, A Druid's Guide to the Northeast and The Burnout.  I read and comment on scripts when I can, but a mentoring program might be a little too much for me right now.

Quoted from spencerforhire I read the comment from Bert. Oh my God! Does he think he is god?

No, Spencer.  That's Phil's job.

I wrote that to Phil because it's Phil -- and in as much as anybody can "know" anyone on these boards, we kinda' do.

Phil knows I have respect for his craft, and if you'll read his response, he even goes so far as to concede my point -- to a point.  Phil is a confident writer, and I simply pointed something out to him that very few would.

Don't march around here calling people out, big guy.  Stick to the script.

I read plenty -- and treat a new author quite different than I would treat Phil.

I'm not one to gloat on other people's work or anything, believe me...

But let's say he did throw this together in 5 to 6 pages time and hurry it out. It's still better than 97% of the stuff I've seen coming out of all the other 5 to 6 page "EPIC" screenwriters vaults lately.

It's a neat little story, all in all.  

Chained up Zombie --> DEAD NEXT DOOR, DAY OF THE DEAD, SHAUN OF THE DEAD, ROTLD & 3, BRAIN DEAD and a few other thousand movies out there.

Even with that aside, it still... you could still see a story, maybe, outside the walls of that basement or I did anyways.

I hope you do something with this, Phil. Flesh it out and make it feature or even a 25 to 30 page short would be good. I'm up for it when you do.

I really don't want to expand it much, Balt.  For me, the story is David talking to Jackie, trying to find that one spark of humanity that's in her.

A big cliche in the zombie movies I've seen is "That's not your wife/father/sister/child anymore...."  David refuses to accept this and is hoping for a miracle.  He doesn't care about the outside world.  His world is chained to the wall.

Also, by keeping it in the basement, I'm keeping the expenses down on producing it (a theme for most of my shorts).  After another rewrite, I'll show it around.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I really don't want to expand it much, Balt.  For me, the story is David talking to Jackie, trying to find that one spark of humanity that's in her. A big cliche in the zombie movies I've seen is "That's not your wife/father/sister/child anymore...."  David refuses to accept this and is hoping for a miracle.  He doesn't care about the outside world.  His world is chained to the wall. Also, by keeping it in the basement, I'm keeping the expenses down on producing it (a theme for most of my shorts).  After another rewrite, I'll show it around. Phil

There ya go... Good hook. You're right on the money with that. In 99% of all Zombie movies "more of my percent talk" They always say "It's not so and so no more"

I see where you're coming from now.

Phil

I am so sorry about the one and a half year pregnancy thing. I have read so many scritps lately I think that just seemed to mesh into yours. After reading your comment I went back and reread your script and yep you're right. Well, why wouldn't you be right your wrote it.

A question... How long have you been writing?

Thanks,

Spencer

I started writing when I was about twelve or thirteen.  I sold my first piece when I was about twenty.  I started concentrating on script maybe five years ago.


Phil