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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Woman Scorned Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Woman Scorned by George Willson - Short, Drama - Jack struggles to understand his sister's methods of exposing her husband's abuse.     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don  -  August 23rd, 2006, 9:54am
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tomson
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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I kinda enjoyed this one. I liked the twisted bit of sickness.

Format wise I have a feeling it wasn’t perfect, but close enough that it seemed just fine to me.

This wasn’t a comedy, so good job on that, even though I did enjoy some of the other entries and thought they were funny and enjoyable, the challenge was to write drama.

You are very much the opposite of me in your writing. You told most of your story through dialogue, I tend to not use enough. The dialogue was very good though. Your descriptions in the beginning were really nice as well.

By page 5 or 6 (can’t remember) I was starting to get an inkling of what happened. Just an inkling, so it kept me wondering and wanted to know more.

Like I said, I enjoyed the sick and twisted part of this story and if I was a guest at this BBQ I think I’d be in the bathroom throwing up too.

Good job

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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Ooh this one, in my opinion, I found oddly chilling. I mean, at first, it all seemed like a drama, but once I reached the end, it almost gave me the chills. That's a pretty twisted story you have right here.

There were some parts, though, that I was getting lost at. But don't worry, I was able to pick myself back up and continue reading and figure out all the details.

Good job.

Sean
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The boy who could fly
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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This one is pretty twisted.  Whoever wrote this has one hell of an imagination

I didn't really know where this one was going, I knew something was rotten in Denmark, but I just didn't know what.

****************SPOILERS*********************

Then came the ending EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!  That was some twist I'll give you that.  When Dan pointed to the freezer it finaly came to me what happened.

Helen is whacked!  I don't know why she would do that to her family unless she was mentaly insane, which years of abuse could happen.

Anyways good job


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Parker
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Eww... I can't say I didn't know what was going on through most of the story because I knew what was going to be explained in the end very early on. Very, very disturbing but oddly entertaining. The whole plot I'm sure I've seen or read before but it was written well and it really does tie in nicely with the OWC theme.

Very nice, though I've just had my dinner and I'm just pretty glad I didn't have a barbeque today. Good job!

GBM


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Good job.  

Nice descriptions, dialogue, and story that was right on with the challange. If I had to guess, I think I would say Breanne wrote this one.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Helio
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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WOW! Gosh! What can a woman do pissed off with? Jeez! So, there is drama until we know what happened with that piece of meat in the freezer then it turns to horror or something like that. Anyway, good dialogue here...Cindy? Pia? Brea? Andy? No Andy is out...Humm...Is Andy realy out? Pia? Ha-ha!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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****SPOILERS****

I knew as soon as I read the theme was barbeque that there would be at least one with this twist -- haha!

This one is very well written. I kind of expected the ending a little. But it was well put together so good job at that.

Nothing negative to say except that maybe Kim seemed a little too relaxed about things when talking to her mother. Also, Dan is a real jerk for talking about wishing they hadn’t come. It would have made little difference for Kim who would still have to deal with the situation.

Also, it doesn’t say whether or not Helen’s husband is Kim’s father. It’s kind of inconceivable that he could be so abusive to Helen without Kim having any idea if this had gone on in the home while she was growing up. It does make sense that Helen would want to punish family members who had ignored her cries for help but Kim certainly wouldn’t have fallen into that category, especially when Helen herself admits that she tried to shield Kim from even knowing.

Anyway, just some thoughts. It’s still a well written, well put together short so good job.



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Mr.Z
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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As it has already been noted, you get the "extra points" for sticking to the challenge rules.

The sick twist at the end is the strongest aspect of this script. The weakest is, IMO, that it's the dialogue that drives the story forward, not the visuals. Yet I must admit that writing visually is something specially hard to do in only one week, and with a theme (drama at the end of a family barbeque) that atracts "talking heads" scenes like blondes atract horny teenagers.

Good job, Mr/Mrs.

Looking forward to know who you are (I got no idea).


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Kotton
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still SCREAMING!

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I really enjoyed this story.

The dramatic dialogue made it very interesting. No one ever wanted to mention exactley what was going on. I guess they were all just sickened by it.

I too pretty much knew what the ending was going to be but that is only because of my own twisted nature.

The whole piece was sparse on description and action, you let the dialogue lead us. That enhanced the dramatic experience for me.So great job on that and thanks for a good read.


A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
                                                                    
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tomson
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Helio
WOW! Gosh! What can a woman do pissed off with? Jeez! ...Cindy? Pia? Brea? Andy? No Andy is out...Humm...Is Andy realy out? Pia? Ha-ha!


Helio,

I can guarantee you that I did not write this.

If I had there would have been detailed descriptions of the killing and carving.



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bert
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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From the opening descriptions I knew where this one was going, but it was fun getting there.  It was inevitable that somebody would broach this territory.

However, this was the second one of these I’ve read where I quickly lost track of the characters and had to scroll back.  It occurs to me now that a family barbeque -- necessitating many characters -- is probably not a good idea for a short script, where it is best to concentrate on a minimal number of characters.

That isn’t the author’s fault, though, and in fact, we are soon concentrating on the people most important to this story.  But it is never made clear why Helen chose to “punish” the entire family.  One character asks her this directly, and it might be nice if she could supply a reason.

And it also begs the question of whether or not Helen actually had any herself.  A few flashbacks to the barbeque itself, and perhaps to the announcement, might have been fun to see.

At any rate, this is also a solid entry with a satisfying conclusion.  Good work with a tough theme.  I have my suspicions as to the author, and it's not a woman.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Helio
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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What a pit!

The type of woman reactions I betted on you! Haha!

Who did that (moving my cursor)?!  There is a ghost on SS!
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dn061903
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the ending, although I could see it coming from the first page.  Didn't care for some of the dialogue, felt some of it went on a little too long, especially the part with Kim and Dan arguing ('you're gloating').  The back and forth didn't work for me.  

Also, most everyone seemed a little too cool with the situ.    

However, it was a good effort.
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Nixon
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Just finished this one and I really enjoyed it. It was unique and set itself apart from the others. I have a few guesses about this ones author but I’ll keep them to myself, for now.

Anyway, dialogue was fine, descriptions were fine. I guess the “whoa” factor for this was the twist at the ending (which I didn’t see coming). It was entertaining to watch the characters almost give away what happen then for one reason or another didn’t quite let it out.

Great job.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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