SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 19th, 2018, 4:27am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Writers Choice and Who Wrote What
have been posted!


Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Aubrey Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Aubrey  (currently 5924 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12543
Posts Per Day
1.95
Aubrey by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A lonely little girl faces her birthday present. 7 pages - pdf, format





Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 18th, 2007, 8:08am
Logged
Site Private Message
alffy
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 8:03am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2339
Posts Per Day
0.52
Hey Michel i've read some of your shorts before so I gave this a look.

Nice little story, I really felt the loneliness of Aubrey it was quite moving.  I don't think I have any grumbles with this at all, very enjoyable read.  Good work and nice ending.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 52
michel
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 8:30am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28
Thank you Alffy for your reading. I've tried to translate every grief Aubrey could feel about her mother through the present. Her cruelty is forgivable and I hope the ending easy to get.

Thanks again

Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 52
-Ben-
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 2:42am Report to Moderator
Green


Stop reading this and look above!

Location
Nunya
Posts
529
Posts Per Day
0.11
Thanks for reading Enganches!
Grammar (I know English isn't your first language, so I won't post everything).
-Aubrey says "I don't like your eyes" twice. I don't know if this was an accident or you left it in for effect, but it's nothing major.

I wondered where this was gonig until the ending. You said something about the mother being "cruel" in your last post (I think that's what you meant,), but I disagree. Maybe prostitution is all her mum could do to make money, and the giraffe was quite a nice present (despite Aubrey's disllike).

In a way, this reminded me of "uptwon Girls", except I like this. I htink you could have hinted at where you were going before the end, but otherwise, there arn't too many gripes.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 52
michel
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 3:22am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28
Bigwhoop, thank you for reading.

When I was talking about cruelty, it was about Aubrey, not her mother.

****************SPOILERS*******************


Quoted from -Ben-
-Aubrey says "I don't like your eyes" twice. I don't know if this was an accident or you left it in for effect, but it's nothing major.


I meant Aubrey saying twice to accentuate the fact she's going to cut them off.

Michel



Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 52
dogglebe
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 5:52am Report to Moderator
Guest User



SPOILERS

I was expecting a lot more with this script.  The way you described the giraffe, I was expecting it to be come to life and attack Aubrey (a la Twilight Zone).  Even your synopsis above (IMHO) suggests a little danger.

While I understand that Aubrey doesn't like the gift, I think she went to extremes with it.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 52
Alex J. Cooper
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 6:18am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Australia
Posts
348
Posts Per Day
0.08
Yeah i was especting the giraffe to kill, but anyway still a good read.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
Logged Offline
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 6 - 52
michel
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 8:25am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28
Thanks for your read. In fact, to Aubrey, the giraffe is the way to take revenge over her mother. She associates the toy with her mother (well, I don't think she would enucleate her mother). In fact, the giraffe is a real animal to Aubrey. You know sometimes how cruel are the children. It's just a story about child loneliness.


Quoted from dogglebe
I was expecting a lot more with this script.  The way you described the giraffe, I was expecting it to be come to life and attack Aubrey (a la Twilight Zone).  Phil


I thought about it but found it a bit cliché.

Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 52
rpedro
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 9:31am Report to Moderator
Red



Location
Belgium
Posts
87
Posts Per Day
0.02
same has phil, I was really thinking that the giraffe was coming to life.

you should watch out with the giraffe part, because instead of people thinking about the loneliness off the kid, they will be expecting the giraf to come to life, which I honestly was expecting.

and excellent story, and a sad ending, "tres humaniste". I like it!


Scripts :
- Hot Road (short)
- The Mirror (short)
- Listen Up (short)
- Dawn (short)
- One Day (short)
- Steal (short)

Pedro Chaves
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 52
The boy who could fly
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 11:58am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1451
Posts Per Day
0.32
This was a strange little tale.

I liked the start, how this giraffe seemed like it was watching Aubrey, it had a creepy feel to it, but then it really goes nowhere, the imature person in my kinda wanted the stuffed animal to start going on a murder spree, that would have been kinda cool.

I did like how it ended, with the mother and all being a whore or a stipper, I'm not sure which, seems like this takes place in amsterdam or something.

in the end this had it's moments, a good opening and ending, I just felt it didn't do much in the middle.

keep up the good work


Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 9 - 52
michel
Posted: September 22nd, 2006, 5:09am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28

Quoted from dogglebe
Even your synopsis above (IMHO) suggests a little danger.


I'm sorry phil but I never meant to make feel any danger in the synopsis I tried to make as simple as possible.


in the end this had it's moments, a good opening and ending, I just felt it didn't do much in the middle.


The "middle" is just the everyday (night?) of a little girl left by her mother. You can't ask a story about loneliness to be tremendous.  

Michel



Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 52
bert
Posted: September 22nd, 2006, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4500
Posts Per Day
0.92
Michel, this is the best thing I've ever read from you.  I "get" it -- and really like it.

It is visual and moving and would cost about 30 bucks to make it.

You might start off describing the room a bit less.  You go into quite a bit of detail there for such a short script.

And I would not have Aubrey read the note to us.  I would have it read as a V.O. from an adult woman.

A microwave dinner takes about 3-5 minutes, or even longer.  You are going to have Aubrey humming for that long?  Just show her putting it in, then cut to her eating at the table later.

This thing with the eyes is great.  I like all of that segment, from start to finish.

I might have the boys kick the giraffe some, but I would have the giraffe itself washed away by the filthy waters of the gutter as opposed to just the note.  The story still ends the same way, of course, but it is a more realistic and poignant fashion for the giraffe to make its journey, I think.

Again, I like this one quite a bit.  Nice work for five pages.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 52
Helio
Posted: September 24th, 2006, 10:27am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

Posts
1344
Posts Per Day
0.28
Mon ami, Michel, I love this one. Realy I thought it will run to a scare movie, but you drove it very inteligent sendding us to a  very good endding. The giraffe to me represented Aubrey's loneliness and about the simbolism of the eyes taken was valious way to say "I wont to see that my mother is a prostitute". Your little script is filled of great metaphors.

congrats Michel!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 52
acorristine
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
really liked this. very simple. good descriptions. u could really see the child. nice twist at the end.

yay u
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 52
michel
Posted: October 10th, 2006, 8:29am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
France
Posts
1242
Posts Per Day
0.28
Thanks Bert, Helio and Acorristine. Sorry for the delay but I completely missed this thread.


Quoted from bert
Michel, this is the best thing I've ever read from you.  I "get" it -- and really like it. Nice work for five pages. It is visual and moving and would cost about 30 bucks to make it.


I must admit I loved writing this script. It's one of my favorite too. I always loved writing about children.


Quoted from bert
And I would not have Aubrey read the note to us.  I would have it read as a V.O. from an adult woman.


I thought of it, but did it this way for a question of budget saving. I rarely forget about the budget when I write a script, especially a short.


Quoted from bert
A microwave dinner takes about 3-5 minutes, or even longer.  You are going to have Aubrey humming for that long?  Just show her putting it in, then cut to her eating at the table later.


I'd rather see an ellipse (is it the right word? or CUT TO That humming is here to accentuate Aubrey's loneliness.

It is all about loneliness.

Thanks again for your reviews.

Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 52
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006