Just to let know this is a revised version. I think it now works better this way.

Michel

Hi michel,

I missed the first script somehow...

SPOILERS


I think you've described the bedroom too well (pink wallpaper). I'd just say the typical little girls room, neat and tidy, plenty of toys, a table set up for a tea party...

I was wondering why a 7 year old girl would be making a T.V. dinner, and began to wonder if someone else was in the other room.
Maybe you could do a woman's V.O. telling her to make herself a T.V. dinner.  

It surprised me when she turned mean so quickly and cut out the giraffes eyes. She was so loving toward her doll.
If she is thinking that it is staring at her, maybe she is thinking it is talking to her too. What would it say? Maybe that would let us know why she would do that to a birthday present that she just got.

The ending surprised me, too.

I thought it was a good script for being so short, but it still needs a little something to make it REAL good.

I hope I've helped some, and not just babbling on. Working two jobs makes you that way...

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

thank you for your review. I hope my answers would help you to understand what I meant when I wrote it.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I was wondering why a 7 year old girl would be making a T.V. dinner, and began to wonder if someone else was in the other room. Maybe you could do a woman's V.O. telling her to make herself a T.V. dinner.

In fact, this way of living is Aubrey's everyday life. She's used to do it.

Quoted from CindyLKeller It surprised me when she turned mean so quickly and cut out the giraffes eyes. She was so loving toward her doll. If she is thinking that it is staring at her, maybe she is thinking it is talking to her too. What would it say? Maybe that would let us know why she would do that to a birthday present that she just got.

The way she acts with her new toy is a kinda grudges she holds against her mother. Kids can be so mean when they want to. Even if their innocence blinds them. I think you can understand that, being a mother. She thinks the giraffe provokes her, even she if Aubrey didn't ask anything. She doesn't care about the present. She just wants her mother?

Thank you again.

Michel

Hey Michel,

I know you don't have access to the internet right now, but since this was Bert's recommended read for the week, I thought I'd give it my time.

This is the best script I've read of yours. I can see why Bert chose it.

Not only was it nicely written, but quite powerful too I thought.

To me this was a very sad story. You should feel proud of yourself, I'm usually pretty cold and don't feel that way very often about scripts.

Good job Michel!  

Hi Michel,

I think this is an excellent short.

I would personally change the V.O back to how you had it before.

I think now it brings her mother's spirit into it too much ie she is now present in the script. It was far better the other way IMHO.

Just goes to show, you can please all of the people all of the time.

Hey everyone, just to let you know that I am working with Michel to bring the short to life. I always liked it very much. I am still at storyboarding it to get a feel of how the story will flow on screen but I already have a small crew ready to shoot and some others are joining soon. Still looking for a young girl to play the main part tho.

I am also working on a silent horror short. We did a rough cut of it with low budget camera and lighting and we screened it to friends and teachers and got strong positive feedback.

I'll keep you all posted on any development.

Phil

It's weird to come back on a script 3 years later. Time has passed and looking back on the story, I realized a lot of things I did then not on purpose but rather by instinct.

Some people would find it VERY different from things I did lately, but it's only another facet of my personality, you'd rather find through my features.

The name Aubrey was inspired by the song "Aubrey" from the 70's band Bread. It's a very melancholic song and I kept listening to it when I wrote the script. (For those don't know that song, here's a link on YouTube: Aubrey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwdTcoUHfkw)

The reasons why Aubrey acts so weirdly with the giraffe: this is a gift from her missing mother and she reports on the toy all the grudges she holds to her mother. First she tries to ignore the stuffed animal. She plays with her doll and fantasizes how she would be treated by her own mother. Every word she tells her doll are the ones she'd wished her mother could tell her on that special night.

Then, the giraffe (the grudge) interferes.

The things about the eyes. When Aubrey says "I don't like your eyes" to the giraffe is her way to reject her own bad feelings about her mother. She know she has bad thoughts about her and it gives her a guilty conscience. The eyes of the giraffe "jugdge" her. She first cuts them and tries to get rid of the eyes in the bathroom, but the eyes are still there.

Remember Cain after his brother Adam's killing.
In French author Victor Hugo's poem , you can read:

"Cain (...) saw an eye, wide open in the night,
Staring at him in the darkness.
I am too near," he said, and trembling,
He woke up his sleeping sons, and his tired wife,
And, sinister, he fled again through space.
He walked thirty days, he walked thirty nights (...)
And as he sat down, he saw, in the sad sky,
The eye in the same place on the horizon's verge...
And the eye will pursue Cain even into the tomb.
The eye was in the tomb there and looked straight at Cain..."

Aubrey's only way to get rid of this guilt is to throw the giraffe by the window.

Hope all this will make you feel like reading or re-discovering this short.

Michel

Michel

This was ok, it had its moments.

I liked Aubery as a character, a lonely, seemingly innocent girl who quickly becomes the most paranoid and self conscious (although endearing) 7 year old your likely to meet. The "reveal" at the end about her mother hints at what one can presume (besides the idylic kodak moment photo) to be an innocent robbing, unordodox childhood, thus explaining the enigmatic protagonist.

A part that really grabbed me was the repetition of the line "I don't like your eyes" unlike someone above who thought it may have been a mistake I found it a very natural "real" thing for a confused, unnerved child to say. It's like she is confirming it out loud for her own assurance. There is something unfavourable about the Giraffe's eyes, she may not be able to put her finger on it or articulate exactly why she doesn't like them but feels strongly to recite it to herself. I also liked her playing the record too, nice touch.

It was a sad tale throughout, I never knew where you were taking it but figured it wasn't going to be a happy ending either way. For one I really wanted to know why a loving, present giving mother would leave her young daughter on her own in their house during the night.

Again, the ending goes some way to explain this or give reason to but I wasn't satisfied by it. It panned out too quickly for me, too improbable and rushed of a coincidence, it came off very contrived.

I know a lot of great films, books and stories in general work simply because of these cossing-of-paths but it happened here so seamless like a message in a bottle type thing, you know what I mean? I get you were going for a series of shot technique with the Giraffe finding its irresponsible target through a set of intervening, unrelated circumstances. I guess It just didn't answer enough questions for me.

I think you should seriously think of expanding to 10 or 15 pages. Incorporate some background, some answers as to why things have got to be the way they are. I for one need to know more about the Mother, its like I'm only getting one side of the story here. She has a big part to play in all this, not least the norturing of who a very interesting, off beat main character yet we only meet her at the end for a glimpse, through a unlikely sequence of events. I wan

Not bad overall, maybe think about some further development.

Best of luck

Col.

Col, thank you for your cleverish analyze. But I still have some reticences about a few of your points

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I know a lot of great films, books and stories in general work simply because of these cossing-of-paths but it happened here so seamless like a message in a bottle type thing, you know what I mean? I get you were going for a series of shot technique with the Giraffe finding its irresponsible target through a set of intervening, unrelated circumstances. I guess It just didn't answer enough questions for me.

You know Col, you're damn right about that and one of the greatest Masters of Movies mankind, Sir Alfred Hitchcock built his career, his reputation and savoir-faire with those coincidences.

"Aubrey" as I mentioned in the message just before yours is full with metaphors. What I'm gonna may sound stupid and obvious but, and that's my own conception of shorts, in a short, precisely, you have to use cut shorts. You have to point out the highlights of the story, get rid of the superfluous and do what you can to make the story flow. It's a hard thing to do. That should be the reason why among the numerous shorts I wrote so far this one is the best. I know it sounds pretentious, but I do think so.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I think you should seriously think of expanding to 10 or 15 pages. Incorporate some background, some answers as to why things have got to be the way they are. I for one need to know more about the Mother, its like I'm only getting one side of the story here. She has a big part to play in all this, not least the norturing of who a very interesting, off beat main character yet we only meet her at the end for a glimpse, through a unlikely sequence of events.

I would say I do not agree about developping Aubrey's mother's part and telling audience too much things. Along the story, we have an almost idyllic image of her mother, except she's not here for her daughter's birthday. But her note to Aubrey is nice, full of excuses and love. Finding out at the very end she's a hooker gives a big surprise (IMO) and all the answer of her absence. I don't really think that most of the protitutes are making this job by vocation. People don't need to know why she's a prostitute. She is, that's all.

I worked along the script to give a certain atmosphere. Remember the first reviewers. Some were upset it wouldn't turn out to a horror story. Giving too much explanation would destroy that atmosphere.

Oh, I almost forgot. You didn't mean it, but you rised something I did "by instinct" in your words and gave me a great idea for a minor detail.

Thank you again

Michel

I am new here so I will only offer an opinion as someone with little experience. I liked it alot. One question? It may have been answered already but does she know her mothers a stripper? Thanks again for the great story. I cant wait to post my screenplay.  

Hi Ledbetter and welcome among us.

Thank you for the reading and I'm glad you liked it.

In fact, I don't think that a 7 year-old little would figure what a prostitute (and not a stripper) could be. I can't imagine a worthy mother telling her little girl this kind of thing. I would rather think she told Aubrey she was working in some kind of night bar.

Thanks again and I will read yours when you post it.

Michel

Michel

I see what you mean about "You have to point out the highlights of the story, get rid of the superfluous and do what you can to make the story flow" the ending sequence does lend itself to that and it would work well within the time (and often financial constraints) of a short film.

I just realised this is being made, according to your sig anyway, congrats.

Col.

Thanks Col

the little girl chosen for the part is so cute and perfect

a friend of mine will compose the score

hope the result will reach my hopes

cross my fingers

Michel

I'm proud to announce you that the first Set Stills of AUBREY can be seen here:

http://www.freewebs.com/micheljduthin/

Michel

That is one pissed-off-looking giraffe (picture #5).


Phil