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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Aubrey Moderators: bert
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  Author    Aubrey  (currently 8482 views)
michel
Posted: June 28th, 2009, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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For those who might be interested, I uploaded the first theme from "Aubrey" on my site on the main page of the stills.

If you want to listen to it:

http://www.freewebs.com/micheljduthin/aubreynewsetstills.htm

Hope you'll like it

Michel


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michel
Posted: August 11th, 2009, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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For those who might be interested, the first roughy cut is about to be done.

You can't imagine how much I'm eager to see the final result...

Michel

PS: If you still missed the read, you'll find the link hereunder.



Revision History (1 edits)
michel  -  August 11th, 2009, 11:25am
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Muse32
Posted: August 11th, 2009, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed that, quite disturbing. Wouldn't mind watching it when it's finally finished, the screenshots look great.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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michel
Posted: August 11th, 2009, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Muse,

Thank you for the read.


Quoted from Muse32
quite disturbing


What do you mean by disturbing? I don't think there's anything "disturbing" in the story. You drew my attention on something no one has underlined before.

Michel


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Muse32
Posted: August 11th, 2009, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel
Hi Muse,

Thank you for the read.



What do you mean by disturbing? I don't think there's anything "disturbing" in the story. You drew my attention on something no one has underlined before.

Michel


Her attitude, the way she perceived herself as an adult and the way she cut the eyes off the giraffe. As I was reading I kept getting 'The Shinning' going through my mind. That's how she came across to me, as a brother to the little kid in that who goes crazy with REDRUM!

I guess the way it came across to me was like Stephen King'ish, if that's ok to say. Very disturbing, but kind of in a subtle way, without being too obvious. She seemed very pyschologically disturbed, by neglect and possibly lonelyness.

Just my thoughts, could be wrong.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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michel
Posted: August 12th, 2009, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Muse32
As I was reading I kept getting 'The Shinning' going through my mind. That's how she came across to me, as a brother to the little kid in that who goes crazy with REDRUM!

That never crossed my mind. If there could be violence, it's rather inner violence.


Quoted from Muse32
She seemed very pyschologically disturbed, by neglect and possibly loneliness.

That's almost right. Kids who grow by themselves are not especially "disturbed", but get maturity faster than the others.

Michel


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rendevous
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Michel,

I see this is in post production (congratulations) so some, hopefully not all, of this will be redundant. Not the first time for me, and certainly not the last.

I've neglected to read the previous comments so pardon me if you've heard all this before.

I think the main problem would be getting across the feelings and your intentions concerning the giraffe. Whilst this would be a doddle for an experienced diector with the aid of a good musician in charge of the soundtrack. I'd guess most low budget types would struggle to do this effectively. It is, after all a stuffed toy. I hope your guys did a good on this for you.

This problem is however, the production team's, rather than yours. I think you've done what you can with a spec script. If there's a shooting script I'd like to see it.

First thing that struck me is it's also most dialogue free. If it wasn't I'd be saying it's overwritten. Strangely though it almost has to be as there's almost no dialogue to show us what we need to see.

All the same it could do with a little timming here and there.

As I've said before I like your writing. For a native Frenchman you're surprisingly adept at describing fairly complex scenes. You also use unusual phrasing that would never be done by a native English writer.

The downside is there's occasionally bizarre phrasing. Somehow though you always seem to get your point across.

Technically the main point is you need to stay in the present tense when describing people, animals, actions and emotions. Examples -


Quoted from Aubrey
The cat seated on the table.

Footsteps are heard.

Intrigued, she steps closer

Aubrey is clearly disturbed


I still catch myself writing like this. Putting these phrases in the present rather than the past tense changes them from novel-like to screenplay style.

They'd read a lot better too.

You're good at atmosphere. This felt particularly creepy and sinister and I can't put my finger on quite why. Probably something to with the minimal dialogue and the fact that toys can be as sinister as clowns. There's something slightly sinister about children too. Probably their lack of knowledge and naviety.

Strange, I never thought a giraffe would make a good choice. I'm knocked off my perch again. Now, where's my high horse gone?

The agate bit puzzled me. Ah, you mean the toy's eyes. That bit read as slightly confusing. Still, I probably should have guessed.

People slag writers writers off for using adverbs. Frankly I think this is silly. An example -


Quoted from Aubrey
Out of spite, Aubrey shuts the lid down.


That's a 'tell' line to me, not a 'show'. I have preferred something like -

"Aubrey slams the lid down spitefully."

Or, if you're adverse to adverbs -
  
"Aubrey slams the lid down with spite."

You take my point.

Stand out bits -

The imagery and atmosphere. For a script set within a small world there's a feeling created here that I puzzle over. I can see why this got picked up for production.

The dialogue. Minimal but neverthessless it's spot on. I'm not giving you any quarter or points here for being French either-. It's as good as anyone's. You make very few errors and it all sounds / reads real to me. Children are tough to write for and you managed to avoid that 'ooh aren't they cute' rubbish.

There are way too many scripts that spend pages and pages and pages on utterly boring and meaningless dialogue. They're like being sat on a bus with windy morons who won't shut the fuck up! [end of rant].

Use of characters and objects - everything seemed to have a purpose and a meaning.

This is something I'd never manage to write. I feel like I've learned something too. I do hope the film version turns out well for you.

R


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Other scripts here
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michel
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rendevous (hey, that's almost a French word!)

thank you for taking your time for your long analysis.


Quoted from rendevous
Whilst this would be a doddle for an experienced diector with the aid of a good musician in charge of the soundtrack. I'd guess most low budget types would struggle to do this effectively. It is, after all a stuffed toy. I hope your guys did a good on this for you.

I can tell you that from what I know (I haven't seen the film yet – they just finished the editing) that the short should be a hit. A friend of mine wrote a magnificent music (his first experience for the occasion) and I trust the director to be faithful to the script. There was not rewriting.


Quoted from rendevous
First thing that struck me is it's also most dialogue free. If it wasn't I'd be saying it's overwritten. Strangely though it almost has to be as there's almost no dialogue to show us what we need to see.

It was my first try on the matter. I did it again with "Silent Blue Eyes". I'm found of silent movies. That's really  'show not tell'.


Quoted from rendevous
Strange, I never thought a giraffe would make a good choice. I'm knocked off my perch again. Now, where's my high horse gone?

I chose the giraffe because I wanted an animal which could dominate the little girl just like a grown-up.


Quoted from rendevous
People slag writers writers off for using adverbs. Frankly I think this is silly.

That was one of my main flaws then  (I wrote it in 2006)


Quoted from rendevous
Children are tough to write for and you managed to avoid that 'ooh aren't they cute' rubbish.
I hate that too. I love writing for kids just like in my last shorts (i.e. "Splash", or "The Rest is Silence")


Quoted from rendevous
Use of characters and objects - everything seemed to have a purpose and a meaning.

I tried to write a story the most symbolic that I could.

Cheers
Michel


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