Michel,
I see this is in post production (congratulations) so some, hopefully not all, of this will be redundant. Not the first time for me, and certainly not the last.
I've neglected to read the previous comments so pardon me if you've heard all this before.
I think the main problem would be getting across the feelings and your intentions concerning the giraffe. Whilst this would be a doddle for an experienced diector with the aid of a good musician in charge of the soundtrack. I'd guess most low budget types would struggle to do this effectively. It is, after all a stuffed toy. I hope your guys did a good on this for you.
This problem is however, the production team's, rather than yours. I think you've done what you can with a spec script. If there's a shooting script I'd like to see it.
First thing that struck me is it's also most dialogue free. If it wasn't I'd be saying it's overwritten. Strangely though it almost has to be as there's almost no dialogue to show us what we need to see.
All the same it could do with a little timming here and there.
As I've said before I like your writing. For a native Frenchman you're surprisingly adept at describing fairly complex scenes. You also use unusual phrasing that would never be done by a native English writer.
The downside is there's occasionally bizarre phrasing. Somehow though you always seem to get your point across.
Technically the main point is you need to stay in the present tense when describing people, animals, actions and emotions. Examples -
Quoted from Aubrey The cat seated on the table.
Footsteps are heard.
Intrigued, she steps closer
Aubrey is clearly disturbed |
I still catch myself writing like this. Putting these phrases in the present rather than the past tense changes them from novel-like to screenplay style.
They'd read a lot better too.
You're good at atmosphere. This felt particularly creepy and sinister and I can't put my finger on quite why. Probably something to with the minimal dialogue and the fact that toys can be as sinister as clowns. There's something slightly sinister about children too. Probably their lack of knowledge and naviety.
Strange, I never thought a giraffe would make a good choice. I'm knocked off my perch again. Now, where's my high horse gone?
The agate bit puzzled me. Ah, you mean the toy's eyes. That bit read as slightly confusing. Still, I probably should have guessed.
People slag writers writers off for using adverbs. Frankly I think this is silly. An example -
Quoted from Aubrey Out of spite, Aubrey shuts the lid down. |
That's a 'tell' line to me, not a 'show'. I have preferred something like -
"Aubrey slams the lid down spitefully."
Or, if you're adverse to adverbs -
"Aubrey slams the lid down with spite."
You take my point.
Stand out bits -
The imagery and atmosphere. For a script set within a small world there's a feeling created here that I puzzle over. I can see why this got picked up for production.
The dialogue. Minimal but neverthessless it's spot on. I'm not giving you any quarter or points here for being French either-. It's as good as anyone's. You make very few errors and it all sounds / reads real to me. Children are tough to write for and you managed to avoid that 'ooh aren't they cute' rubbish.
There are way too many scripts that spend pages and pages and pages on utterly boring and meaningless dialogue. They're like being sat on a bus with windy morons who won't shut the fuck up! [end of rant].
Use of characters and objects - everything seemed to have a purpose and a meaning.
This is something I'd never manage to write. I feel like I've learned something too. I do hope the film version turns out well for you.
R