Green Eggs and Ham by Pat Fitzgerald (brandnew) - Short, Dama - A woman figures it would be entertaining for her to cook green eggs and ham for her toddler… 6 pages - pdf, format

Got a look at this and I have a few comments I'd like to share with you:

Possible SPOILERS



- I'm not sure the wife telling her husband he doesn't have a sense of humor would get him THAT angry. Maybe they'd argue verbally, no physical fighting, unless the husband has a previous anger management we don't know about.

- The one line that made this drama turn into a very cliché thriller was: "We need to leave right now!" spoken by the wife. You sort of made it sound like the husband was a deranged murderer or whatever.

It's just a suggestion, but I'd like it if you gave the characters names instead of their titles. But you don't have to.

Also, another suggestion, you could make the book he picks up at the end "Green Eggs and Ham." I was expecting that, but it turns out it wasn't. You make the book seem important by telling us the son laughs at something on the cover of his book, and then he grabs it before they leave the house. Make some sort of connection with the book, I suggest.

Sean

Hey Sean, thanks for the comments.

This script is meant to be way over the top in the way that the husband reacts to the wife's cooking.  As a side note, I wrote this as a dark comedy for myself, but those tend to be overly offensive to most people.

You do make a good point about the line "We need to leave right now!" and it would be good to change it.

I'm not really sure why I didn't give the characters names.  I know in writing it's supposed to stand for the fact that this could be anyone, but it obviously isn't so I don't know.

I was implying that the book was Green Eggs and Ham, but you're right in the fact that it never actually says that it is.

Thanks for the suggestions.

-Pat

I agree with Sean about the names.  WIFE and HUSBAND are fine if they're walk-on characters with only one line but, when they're the main characters, you have to give them names.

I don't understand why the husband would be such a prick over breakfast.  If he's usually like this, then the wife would know not to tick him off in the morning.

This short read like it was a small part of something bigger.  Perhaps the opening scene of a story about an abused woman escaping from her husband.


Phil

I seriously didn't like this one, Pat. Not because it was badly written, it wasn't. But because I've had enough of wife beatings and crap and shit in my life. I'm only 16 and live in a normal place like any other place in the world, it's uiet and small here, no crime. And yet, I have friends, all girls, who come to me to talk and for advice because they know they can trust me. I've heard about multible rapes, dad beating their moms, incest, drug use, you name it. When I read about a household I really wanna read something happy and a marriage that works. It's not your writing, it's my own personal prefence.

On a few technical notes though, your format is better in this one, it read as a part of something bigger, my main advice would be to turn it into a short story and maybe do what Raymond Carver with his "Short Cuts" stories, this sorta reads like a Short Cut story.

Well done in short.

Sorry to hear that Daniel.

I've never actually heard of the "short cuts" stories, but I will definately check it out sooner or later (after some of my long list of books has been shortened, no pun intended).

Thanks.

-Pat

Not going to win to many people over abuse stories...not a subject that will ever lend itself to being funny. THe whole thing played out like an R rated LIFETIME movie. Really dramatic with the women and child in peril.
I agree with the other comments about giving them names. How is the reader supposed to identify with the character if they aren't given a name or a description of how they look and or dress?

I would have liked a description of the house and its condition...was it filthy, clean, etc. They obviously act lower class, but do they live in the suburbs, traler park, are they rednecks?

Your writing style was good though, the only little advice would be to use less parentheticals and lighten up on the excessive exclamation points. if you do use them try to streamline them a little.
Ex: Husband (he now yells), you could just put (yells)

I didn't really like this one. Sometimes, it seems like every other short here involves some guy going bonkers and lashing out of his family. This was no exception. I've definitely read this story here before. It gets tiresome after a while. You took a slightly different approach to the subject but I'm afraid you failed in your intentions. This didn't register as a dark comedy to me although the story is completely over the top as you said. Still, there's still some stuff here that just doesn't make sense in a way that doesn't come off as a farce. Mainly the fact that the wife could've prevented all this from the getgo. Unless this all happened out of the blue (which would be equally ludicrous), the wife should know about her husband's temper and even if she didn't think green eggs would send him into a rage, I doubt she'd accuse him of lacking a sense of humor. Obviously, there's just no going there with this guy. Then there's stuff that these characters just wouldn't think of in the heat of the moment. For example, the wife inserting a tissue in her nose or the son grabbing the book before leaving. I imagine they'd both be too panicked to think of these things.

So yeah. Sorry dude. This one just didn't work for me. Can't win them all.

Not what I thought it would be.

What a twist. Who would have thought that because of the wife making green eggs and ham that it would be a family break up full of violence.  Very well put. I like the way you did the dialoge. Most people who have anger issues do what you had the father do in the script. You made him violent then sweet and back to violent again. Maybe you could use something in your script that would suggest that the father hasn't taken his prozac yet. lol

Good overall story.

Dan

I have to agree with Sean here that I'm not fond of the line 'we need to leave right now', other than that I thought it was a nice little script.  Not nice in subject mind.

Again I'll jump on the wagon and agree with the majority that your charcters need names but I could totally picture the tension in the kitchen.

One thing that puzzled me though was the age of the child.  You stated his age as 4 but I pictured him slightly older.  I guess though he is in a high chair!

I thought the wife came across as being intimitated by her husband and him as a dickhead which is what you set out to achieve.

Anyway I enjoyed this, good stuff.

***Spoilers***

I just finished reading this and in all honesty, was there even a clear concept to this script? A wife cooks her husband green eggs, he goes crazy, hits her, she hits back, they leave. This seemed like one scene out of a longer script.

The four year olds dialogue wasn't great in places. "This is so cool!" isn't something I've ever heard my four year old brother say. Kids don't usually form sentences to express their thoughts, they just yell the one word that describes it. "Cool!" or "Eww!" Not "This is so yucky" or "This is so cool!"

There really isn't much else to say about this because there is really nothing here. It's just a scene with no real story or anything. I don't mean to be so harsh but this really just wasn't much...

-Rubix

Hey everyone, thanks for the reviews.

Only recently have I been learning about planning out a script in a precise way, compared to my usual write as I go along.  After rereading this now, I completely understand how it feels like a part of something bigger.

If I ever rewrite this, I'll be sure to fix up the dialogue; it's pretty terrible.  Also, I'll be sure to give the people names and develope their characters a little more.  Perhaps give the wife bruises to show past abuse and other such things.

RubixCube, don't worry about being harsh, I prefer someone to be dead honest than to try not to hurt my feelings.

-Pat