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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 14th, 2007, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Simple Discussion About Time Travel, A by Robert Skotte (sniper) - Short - Four friends enjoy a night of poker. That is until the conversation turns to Time Travel and who John Connor's original father was. 10 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  January 31st, 2008, 2:41pm
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Death Monkey
Posted: April 14th, 2007, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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I gave this one a look, because the Terminator time travel paradox is a favorite pass-time of mine (don't ask).

It's a pretty simple piece. I imagine you had fun writing this one in no time at all. Bearing in mind my bias to you subject matter, I found it an amusing little tale, albeit with no point at all.

Didn't really bother me, but It would've been nice with a serious punchline in the end, so it doesn't just read as a cut scene from a Tarantino movie. For lack of a better reference.

At one point, during the elaboration of time-travel, the dialogue sort of sounded like something out of those educational 'school' videos from the 70's (cf. Troy McClure and 'Billy' from the Simpsons: "So meat is good for you after all, Mr. McClure? - that's right, Billy, and here's why..."), but at that point you had already fleshed out the characters sufficiently for a short this length, so it wasn't really a nuissance as such.

There's not much to gripe at. I enjoyed it for what it was. I assume you don't plan any re-writes? Or am I wrong?


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

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sniper
Posted: April 14th, 2007, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Death Monkey,

Thanks for the read. You are absolutely right, this one took me no time, about 4-5 hours and no, I'm not planning any re-writes.

The reason why I wrote this is was becuase I was writing the fourth episode of my Aliens Series and got totally stuck. I couldn't the story to roll, took me 10 hours to write a couple of words. But I wanted to get something on paper so I just started writing this and it this is what came of it - it was almost like a jam session, just throwing ideas around.

Well, anyway, I thought it turned out pretty funny.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

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sniper  -  April 14th, 2007, 1:23pm
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Death Monkey
Posted: April 14th, 2007, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I thought you did a good job on the banter between the friends. A couple of nice jabs at each other and such.


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
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YaBoyTopher
Posted: April 14th, 2007, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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umm i dont know what to say, this is basically about nothing but it is well written, the banter between the friends in the beginning is very good and the story flowed nicely, i mean it is a little bizarre how they began talking about time travel but its all good when the script is completely random as is this one.

Overall a nice piece of writing.


My posted Scripts:
"The First Date" - Short Comedy
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1405598063/s-0/#num1
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sniper
Posted: April 14th, 2007, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey YaBoyTopher,

Thank you for the read. Yeah, this script pretty much just shows about 10 minuttes of four guys sitting around talking. It's like we step into the house - stay 10 minutes and then leave.

Also, like Death Monkey, I'm pretty facinated with the 'Terminator Time Travel Paradox'.

Hey, maybe I should change the title...

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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n7
Posted: April 17th, 2007, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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this was a cool, simple short. It was well written and the dialogue was lean and to the point,
It avoided reading like a lot of scripts that sound like people talking at each other, but instead each line of a characters dialogue progressed the story forward. The characters reacted well of each others comments.
The only joke that didn't work for me was Montells "fall in love with your grandfather" line, besides that everything was good.
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sniper
Posted: April 17th, 2007, 1:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey n7,

Thanks for the read - glad you liked it.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Shelton
Posted: April 17th, 2007, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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I guess, I'm just piggybacking on everyone else's review tonight, looking at whatever's at the top of the portal.

Anyway, I enjoyed this.  The random non-sensical dialogue just reminded me of something I would pop into one of my scripts.  How could I not like that?

Now on to grammar police mode.  The only thing that threw me off were two lines where you had.

"The ones that doesn't suck".

If you break it down and remove the contraction, it would be "The ones that does not suck", which doesn't make too much sense.  it would read better as don't.

It's meager stuff, but I figured I'd toss it out there.  

Anyway, nice work.  I really enjoyed how the terminator theory got progressively more complicated as it went on.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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sniper
Posted: April 17th, 2007, 1:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mike,

Thanks for the read.


Quoted from Shelton
"The ones that doesn't suck".


I could take the easy way out here and say, well that's just how Riddick talks...but you're right. 'Don't' would have worked better.

Cheers
Rob



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Gerald
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Really cool dialogue. I read somewhere that 90% of screenplays fail due to poor dialogue, so if you could bring this level of authenticity to a feature you would have a real competitive edge.
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Zack
Posted: June 27th, 2007, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rob, i liked this one! I probably would have enjoyed it more if I knew how to play poker, but i still enjoyed it none the less. I love how you take a random topic(time travel) and just toss it into your story. It works surprisingly well, and story seemed realistic because of the randomness of it. The dialogue was good for the most part, although I did find some of Riddick's a little over the top. Descriptions were nice and the format was tight. Overall, a pretty solid script that leaves little room to improve.

~Zack~
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sniper
Posted: June 27th, 2007, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

Thanks for the read.

Yeah, Riddick can be a bit much but that's intentional. I wanted him to come across like a big-mouth and self-centered and yet still a little dumb.

Glad you liked it

Cheers
Rob


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 28th, 2007, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Rob,

Finished the read earlier than as planned.

The dialgoue was great but there wasn't a story unless the poker game was the obstacle but for which one. I think it should be Shannon since I got the vibe that Shannon had done this time travel before prob for the poker game or some thing grander. That could be something interesting to explore.    

Shannon?  I never heard that name used for a guy before. Not critizing just didn't know about it.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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medstudent
Posted: June 28th, 2007, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Sniper,
Was interested in seeing where you went with this. Anyways, was a good experiment in dialogue. I laughed out loud a few times. I also loved the fact that they are all white dudes talking like tough gangsters. Funny.

No story but a fun read.

Joseph


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