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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Withdrawl Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 29th, 2007, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Withdrawl by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - In need of money, a desperate families last hope lies with the bank. 4 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  July 25th, 2007, 2:47pm
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Seth
Posted: June 30th, 2007, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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Allfy,

All the elements are there, but not exploited in a way that, as a reader, I find satisfying. It was well written -- but lacked suspence. In fact, it was apparent, right from the get-go, that daddy was going to rob the bank. That Debbi was ill, though, did come as a surprise. I wonder if three pages are just too few to pull off this type of story?  

-- On page three, you refer to Catherine as Christine.

Seth


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And Sweetie XD


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 30th, 2007, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi Alffy,

Not bad.

I agree with Seth that it was obvious he was going to rob the bank. The opening dialogue leaves no room for any other interpretation.

This being the case, I thought that it was going to be a comedy. There was something comical about the transition between the bedroom scene and the bank when I first read it, although looking at it again I can't see it. Maybe it's because I've read your other stuff so it prejudiced my view.

The ending is quite powerful, which is an achievement in such a short space of time.

It's been done before in Dog Day Afternoon, although for a slightly different reason, but there we go.
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alffy
Posted: June 30th, 2007, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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Cheers guys I didn't even know this was up yet.

Don't know how I missed the Catherine/Christine thing oops!

Just wanted to try something different, meaning other than comedy.  Maybe it needs more work?  I was trying to keep it short and as restricted the surprise element I think.

Anyway thanks again for reading this so quickly.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Zack
Posted: June 30th, 2007, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure what you were trying to do with this. It was well written and well paced. The "twist", if you call it a twist, was unexpected.

I get the feeling you really wanted to emphasize on character with this script, but the problem is that the script is to short! If you were to add 2-3 pages I think you could really flesh out the characters alot better. Maybe have Micheal and John talk a little while waiting in line. That would give the climax a bit more impact.

I don't know. This isn't my favorite from you. It's just not as clever as some of you're other work. You're writing is spot on, but this script lacks a soul.

On a sidenote, this kinda reminded me of the Sandman's subplot in Spiderman 3.

~Zack~
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alffy
Posted: June 30th, 2007, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Zack, not seen spidey 3 so can't comment.

I just wanted to write a 'short', no more than 3 pages.  I think it came out ok but maybe could be better, but only by adding to it.

I see you've got another short up 'dirty business 2', i'll give it once over.  I have submitted a third draft of 'the big stiff' if your interested, it's quite different now (I think so anyway).


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zack
Posted: June 30th, 2007, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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in spiderman 3 the sandman defies the law to save his sick little girl. About the Big Stiff, I'll check it out.

~Zack~
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James McClung
Posted: July 3rd, 2007, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty solid read as is but I still think it could have been better. When you first introduced the V.O. before Michael attempts to rob the bank, I assumed that the sound had been omitted. Obviously, that was not the case. I do think the script would have read better without sound and simply the mother and daughter speaking over the robbery. It'd feel more subtle and, at the same time, more reliant on visuals for storytelling, which is how something this probably should be. The alarm and the police syrens, you could probably keep though. It'd be difficult to communicate them without sound and, even though I think it could be done, it wouldn't work as well. Anyway, just my thoughts. You got a lot done with this script within a very short duration and did it well IMO. Good job.


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alffy
Posted: July 4th, 2007, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read James.

I like your suggestion about a voice over throughout, I might look into that.  Weirdly I pictured this in blank and white in my head anyway so a voice over might cap it off. lol.  I'll make some improvements and post it again this week.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here

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alffy  -  July 4th, 2007, 8:28am
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krisg
Posted: July 10th, 2007, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi

I like the pace and narrative structure, I felt it worked well. A little obvious perhaps but that's not a criticism.

2 basic points (that could be ignored):

- "A sadden look..." - not sure about the word sadden - just sad would work.

- Woollen not woolen (only because you are UK based).


The elements of the bank are a little confusing. In your introduction you say that the Dad is waiting to see the Bank Manager but he appears to be waiting in a teller queue (cash desk).
"Michael throws a bag over the counter" - counters nowadays are sealed units with a sliding drawer to exchange. When the alarms sound, shutters come down over the sealed unit windows ensuring the safety of the staff.
Either the script requires a suspension of reality or you need to find a way around this.

I hope this helps, because I love what you have done in 4 pages.

best wishes

kris
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alffy
Posted: July 10th, 2007, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Kris, you've pick up some good points here.

I'm currently rewriting this and trying to keep it under 5 pages.  Your right about the cash desk thing I'll have to look into that lol.  As for the bank security, I live in a small town where I doubt our banks have such devices so I guess I just forgot about them.

Anyway thanks for the read Kris.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 15th, 2007, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony, for a four pager this was really good, you told a complete story here, and in four pages which can be difficult to do, but you pulled it off quite nicely.

One thing is the way Michael was dressed, you see a guy like that walk into a bank you know what he is about to do.  Maybe if he was in a suit and tie, I think that would throw the audience off, you wouldn't see it coming.

The confrontation with John at the door did seem strange.  Why didn't he just get out of the way?  I don't get why he thinks he would be able to get the gun from Michael, unless he was like a cop or something.

Besides that I thought this was pretty good.  Well done.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 15th, 2007, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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hey alffy,

What a sad story this is. Was John involved in Micheal's problem? I ask since I got the vibe from reading it. Especially when he stares at Micheal. Something I think people would normally not due in those situations.

I think also the saw off shotgun should change into a pistol. the saw off shotgun if I am correct holds two bullets; the pistol holds more so I think he would have a better advantage over the people. the size of the barrel doesn't matter in this case but how much bullets one can shoot since there are alot of people.

Hope these help,

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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alffy
Posted: July 15th, 2007, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read Jordan.

I wanted people to think John was Christine's husband and so making Michael the obvious robber didn't matter too much.  Fair point about John not getting out of Michael's way but I guess I just wanted him to freeze with fear and then do something courageous.

Gabe, thanks too for the read.

The sawn off shotgun comes from living in England.  Most bank are held up by shotguns as pistols are harder to come by, especially by a family man as in Michael's case.  I never really thought of tying John into Michael's story but it's something I'll look into.

The rewrite is taking shape and I think I've tightened it pretty well.  It now consists of V.O. from Christine and Debbie but I think it works quite well.  Hopefully I'll have it up this week.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: July 15th, 2007, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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You could lose the gun altogether and have him use a water pistol in his pocket. That would make him even more pathetic and desperate.

He would have to purchase a shotgun illegally unless he had a gun licence, and I doubt he would have one, (and he wouldn't know how to saw it off)so they would be expensive.

A water pistol would show that he was practically on the edge of sanity, but didn't want to hurt anyone.

He could then be shot byan armed police officer arriving on the scene. Banks have silent alarms BTW so it could be pressed without him knowing giving an officer time to arrive.

Rick.
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