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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Zigwart Moderators: bert
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  Author    Zigwart  (currently 2779 views)
Don
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Zigwart by Elisabeth Dubois - Short, Fantasy - A leprechaun's tale. 2 pages - pdf, format


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

SPOILERS!

This is the second time reading a tooth fairy type of a story. But sadly it wasn't much of a story but a scene more like it, in IMO. This was probably for a contest with certain parameters but I would like to know more about this tale such as how did the lepercuan get the tooth. I would admit though for a two page script that it was funny especially with the lepercuan cursing the giant.

Hope this helps,
Gabe  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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elis
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback, Mr Ripley.

No it wasn't for any type of contest, just a crazy thought.
I intend to make this a longer script.
Placed it here for a quick read and feedback; this will allow me to judge whether it deserves a longer script.

Thanks for the read.


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mcornetto
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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Elisabeth,

It never ceases to amaze me that you always have a fairy tale to tell.  This one was nicely original and cute.  Expand it, lose the dream, and give Zigwart a rip-roaring adventure.
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elis
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback Michael,
I thinks that's a good idea.
I can create a whole little series on Zigwart and his adventures.
What do you think?


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alffy
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey elis, I was drawn to the strange name of this script.

I enjoyed it but it felt incomplete.  The beginning was great with Zigwart and the giant, and although his dog waking him up was lead to the ending of 'it was a dream', I was left wondering what it was really about?  The dream of getting a big gold tooth?  I good effort but I wanted a bit more.  Look forward to the series then.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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This was a variation on the marshmallow joke...

I dreamed last night I ate a giant marshmallow, and in the morning, my pillow was gone!

Very cute, and would like to see more of this fiesty little guy...


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Hoody
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Just read this.  Very good and funny short.  Like allfy, the name of the script really drew me.

The first letters of "gold" and "keepers" don't need to be capitalized...unless I missed something that means they should.

But other than that small detail, a very good short.

I would like to see some of Zigwarts other adventures.  Preferably longer next time.

Good job.


Please, read Elvis The Goat or Cold Turkey.  Thanks in advance and I'll make sure to review your script in exchange.
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tomson
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Elis,

I liked this until I found out it was just a dream. I think you do fairy tale stories real well. I for one would like to see this longer than one page and a few lines. Why not have Zigwart and Kito go on some big adventure and run into the giant. I think you could make that into a fun enjoyable ride.

Pia
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KyMalairn97
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Elisabeth,

Interesting premise.  The old screenwriting rule is that you start a scene late and leave it early.  I think you took that advice too firmly to heart here.  How did he get the tooth?  What unpleasantness did he have to endure, being in a giant's mouth long enough to pull a tooth and all?  I think there is a mine of interesting possibilities open to you prior to this scene.

Definitely build upon it... and build backwards.  It'd be interesting to see what got us here.  I do agree with a previous poster, lose the dream.

Hope I was helpful.

Pete  
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elis
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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KyMalairn97, Blakkwolfe, alffy, pia and hoody,

Thank you all for the feedback.

a dream - in such a small script - justifies not placing the extra information that led to the tooth extraction.
Dropping the dream in a longer version is a good idea.

I'll rewrite and and resubmit at a later date.

Thanks again all, your input is always precious.  


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dogglebe
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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The only problem with this script is that it was rushed, and rushed i an almost obscene way.  I wonder how many people actually gave any thought where leprechauns got their gold and you came up with a very original answer to it.

You should rewrite this, if possible, into a feature length script.  You can do a lot with it.


Phil
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elis
Posted: November 7th, 2007, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Phil,
It was a zany idea and it has grown on me.
A rewrite is a must and if it calls for a feature, then so be it.
Will sit and give it some serious thought.


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mgj
Posted: November 10th, 2007, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Tough to comment on a story so short but I'll try.  I like these fantasy tales anyway.

The line 'You're breath reeks' somehow doesn't ring true to me.  If a giant was trying to eat me I think I'd have other concerns than the state of his breath.  I only mention this because it weakens the dramatic component of your story - makes it seem like he wasn't in any real danger.  

I'd say for a story like this just about anything is fair game to be exploited for a laugh, just makes sure to treat the actual adventure itself seriously.  

Hope I'm not sounding too preachy.  I enjoyed it.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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elis
Posted: November 11th, 2007, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mgj


Hope I'm not sounding too preachy.  I enjoyed it.


Not at all mgj.
All feedback is appreciated and take all comments onboard.
Thank you for the read mgj


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