Mi Casa Es Su Casa: An Eastern Western by James McClung - Short, Comedy - After a rude awakening, Larry finds some out of place guests in his New Jersey home. 8 pages - doc, format

This was a script I turned in as one of my semester finals. I've done a few edits and embelishments for Simply Scripts but not many. We had some very specific directions at to what was to occur in the script but given full freedom in regards to the approach, tone, etc. we wanted to take toward it. Anyway, now that class is over, I figured I could develop this into a full fledged short without the boundaries of the assignment. Hope you guys like it and as usually, any comments and/or criticisms are much appreciated.

Oh and no offense from anyone from New Jersey, haha. I've got roots there myself. I think I'm entitled to poke a little fun.

James --

The subtitle "An Eastern Western" caughty my attention, so I decided to give your script a little read.

Overall, this was a good little short. Good descriptions, excellent formatting and no spelling errors that I could see (although you probably shouldn't trust my judgment on that last one). The whole thing was quick, succinct and funny (especially liked those couple of digs at New Jersey). This was good stuff, well done.


Matt.

I liked this one, James. It put a smile on my face and didn’t let it go till the end. Lots of things that I liked in here. Gonna start with those:

The premise is strong. These cowboys invading the protagonist’s home and acting as if this was absolutely natural is pretty funny and builds some real conflict. And there’s also a good explanation for this -the roommate’s betrayal- which is funny as well.

Barry’s answering machine = awesome.

It was very good complication to have the only who could help your protagonist -the police- being invited as well. This surely escalated the conflict and turned up the heat, forcing the protagonist to solve this mess on his own.

If you choose to rewrite/expand this, my only suggestion would be: the main conflict has to be resolved one way or another. You established the main conflict pretty quick and then escalated it, which is good. But I’m afraid that the FADE OUT comes just when things were starting to get really juicy.

Once that Larry finds out what is going on, it would be fun to watch what he is going to do about it. Especially considering that you shut down the easy way out (calling the police).

Caught a missing word on page 4 - The room is filled (with?) portable plastic tables.

Very good job here. But I think it has potential to be better.

Nicely done, James.  Your writing was clean and precise. I thought the premise was quickly established.  The only issue I had with it was that it felt like the beginning of a larger work, rather than a complete work itself.  

The situation had almost a twilight zone sort of quality for me.  I liked the cowboys but I wasn't sure I understood the ones in the backyard, were they cooking for everyone else?

I think this could be easily and should be expanded with Larry trying everything he can to close the place down.  I can think of at least twenty other things he could try and at least 10 of them would be quite funny.  As the story stands he has just established the problem, he needs to resolve it.

So good job but I think this story should be expanded.  

This was an amusing piece and the escalation was excellent.  Brining the police in on page 4 was a great idea.

I agree with everyone else in one sense that this should be expanded and gain a resolution, but if you wanted to keep it short, one way would be to make things that Larry would people to stay.  As it is, this is a great opening, with potential to bring in how and why Barry did what he did, ways for Larry to put paid to it, etc.

Hey James

Firstly I should point out that being from England I'm not sure I would know what the digs at New Jersey are?

I have to agree with mcornetto, in that this feels a bit like the opening to a teen movie (not a cheesy one though).  I enjoyed this and could feel the growing frustration of Larry's situation.

As for Barry's answering machine, comedy gold.  I say this cos I had a friend who used his answering machine in a similar way and it was amazing how many people thought he'd answered, so much so that we use to let the machine pick up just have a laugh.

A good read, enjoyed it.

Hey James,

Nothing quite like smell of Newark going down to the Turnpike...

Seemed like it was a set up for a specific punchline, which didn't happen...

Funny visuals of all these cowboys ( I gathered from the football that they were Dallas Cowboy fans)

Nice work around of the alarm clock cliche...

Liked the roomate inviting anyone he wants to come in...Been there and have that T-Shirt.

Suggest Larry have more of a Jersey, New Yawk accent and play that up in contrast with the Cowboy's western drawl...

Liked it, good conflict stemming from Larry's character trying to deal with this funny situation...

Joe

Quoted from alffy Firstly I should point out that being from England I'm not sure I would know what the digs at New Jersey are?

In the States, New Jersey is often stereotyped as a filthy state full of loud, obnoxious people. New York is occasionally stereotyped the same way but considering New York has endless tourist attractions and generally a lot of things to do, New Jersey gets all the attention and people often take the stereotypes very far. In fact, I've heard New Jersey been referred to as "where New York dumps its garbage" on more than one occasion. The fact that New Jersey is also called the Garden State is all too ironic. Anyway, just thought I'd throw in some cracks about New Jersey since the script's about East meets West. The two have a lot to set them apart.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Suggest Larry have more of a Jersey, New Yawk accent and play that up in contrast with the Cowboy's western drawl...

I agree. I'd really like to take the East/West tension to the next level. I think there's a lot of potential there. I've been to New Jersey more times than I can count on my fingers and I've got a roommate from New Jersey who constantly spouts off the state's "isms." I can probably boost the Western angle as well.

Finally, I think everyone else is right on target about the end really being the begining. The assignment's guidelines seemed to suggest the script end when the protagonist calls the police. I'm not on leash anymore so I think I can stretch this out a lot more.

Thanks, everyone.

Hey, James, I'm new around here and was looking for some scripts to read when I stumbled upon this. It was well-written. Clever dialog, good descriptions, and the whole concept itself was very entertaining. Well done, I was very impressed at how good this short was.

-Phife

Great title.

I liked the way you manage to gradually escalate the absurdity of the situation as we follow Larry around - at every turn he finds things getting worse and worse.

I thought your description (while good) was a bit over-written at times. Maybe strip it down slightly and break up some of the larger paragraphs?

It might just be a matter of taste, but I find shorter chunks read a lot smoother.  

(The formatting is off in a few places as well, but you probably already know that.)

Wasn't too sure about the Larry / Barry name thing either. It just seemed a bit forced.

An entertaining read though.

Hey,

I saw the "eastern western" subtitle and I was all over this. Now, I feel a bit manipulated, but thats ok. I should have read the logline.

Well, overall I can't say I liked this, my expectations going into it probably have a little to do with that, but besides that:

I thought your descriptions were at times a little long winded. I think if you made them more concise they, and therefore the entire thing, would flow a little better.

I also thought some of the dialog, especially Larry's, felt a little clunky. I think, unless that's what you're going for with the character(which it didn't seem like you were), it's important that this stuff comes out of the mouth with ease. Timing is important in comedy, or so I've heard.

Besides that, I don't think this kind of humor really fit my tastes, but I shouldn't hold you accountable for that.(I did think the thing with the cops was clever though)

Good effort, not bad at all, but you didn't sink my battleship.

sheepwalker

Eastwood was the Good btw, not the Ugly, or did you mean this wasn't a western because there was no Eastwood?

He's right, this wasn't a western.  >  

I think both of you guys are right about the descriptions. I seem to get the same comments on every script I write. I'm still working on being less wordy. I guess old habits die hard.

Quoted from Soap Hands Eastwood was the Good btw, not the Ugly, or did you mean this wasn't a western because there was no Eastwood?

The implication was cowboys had no place in New Jersey and would be better suited for a Western. The "Ugly" line at the end was basically Larry trying to call the cowboys ugly. The lack of Eastwood was an attempt to make it a little clearer he wasn't talking about the movie.

Quoted from Soap Hands He's right, this wasn't a western.  >

You're right. Sorry, buddy. I had a bad feeling someone would be mislead by the subtitle. Ironically, it was the Western that seems to have thrown you off. I was worried someone would read Eastern and think this was a Clint Eastwood knockoff in Asia or something. Still, I suppose the subtitle is a little misleading. It's a joke really since the premise is East meets West and the cowboys sort of make this a Western or at least justify the use of the word but it does sort of give the wrong idea. I don't like subtitles to be honest and I might submit a rewrite without this one. I just felt I had to use this one. I do like the sound of it. It is a bit obnoxious though, isn't it. Somehow, I think I knew that.

Hey,

Quoted from James McClung You're right. Sorry, buddy. I had a bad feeling someone would be mislead by the subtitle. Ironically, it was the Western that seems to have thrown you off. I was worried someone would read Eastern and think this was a Clint Eastwood knockoff in Asia or something. Still, I suppose the subtitle is a little misleading. It's a joke really since the premise is East meets West and the cowboys sort of make this a Western or at least justify the use of the word but it does sort of give the wrong idea. I don't like subtitles to be honest and I might submit a rewrite without this one. I just felt I had to use this one. I do like the sound of it. It is a bit obnoxious though, isn't it. Somehow, I think I knew that.

No hard feelings. I wasn't that upset, or really upset at all, I was just giving you a hard time. I don't think you have to worry about misleading people, even if you do mislead some I don't think its that big of an issue.

I also kind of like the subtitle, I think it has a nice ring to it.

sheepwalker

Hey James,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with Sheepwalker on this one if the fact that I didn't really care for it that much.  I am just coming off reading a story about time-traveling, though, so that's what I thought you were going for in the first scene.  (I never even got the football-through-the-window/Dallas Cowboy thing until Blakkwolfe pointed it out.)

I might have to take a re-read at this one.

I did find a few other mistakes in spelling and grammar that the others didn't point out, (at one point, I thought Larry had two 'heads'), but it's nothing that can't be fixed with a quick spellcheck or reread.

It was one of the funnier scripts i've read lately, though.  It's hard to find actual funny stories on here.  I'm still waiting to see one that makes me laugh out loud.  I've never tried writing a comedy before, maybe I can make that my next writing goal.

I was just wondering, though.  You said it was for school.  What grade or score did you happen to get on it?

-Mark