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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Santa's List Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 29th, 2007, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Santa's List by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - Not everyone gets what they want for Christmas. 16 pages - pdf, format


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mcornetto
Posted: December 29th, 2007, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

Clever idea, treating Santas like postmen.  And the gift cubes were creative.  The characterization of Clive seemed pretty complete - you even took the time to make him likeable (such as the snow angel or the little boy's hug).  I'm not too sure about the ending though, it was a bit abrupt, I didn't get a feeling of completion from the script. It needs more of a wrap-up.
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alffy
Posted: December 30th, 2007, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review mcornetto

I was hoping to get this up before Christmas but never mind.  I got the idea cos I'm a postman.  

Glad you liked it and I understand your point about the end, I struggled with an ending for so long.

I might update this but I want to keep it quite short, I might think of a better ending by next Christmas lol.


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alffy
Posted: December 31st, 2007, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Thanks courhaw, glad you liked it.  Not sure about 'jobee'?  This is something we refer to as poo! lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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rc1107
Posted: January 1st, 2008, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

I just want to start out by saying 'Thank you for teaching me something new.'  Actually, I learned two new things after reading your script.  I never knew 'snigger' was a word.  But I looked it up before I mentioned anything and, sure enough, there it was, the same thing as snicker.

'Fob' was another word I had never come across or heard of before, but I looked that one up and there it was.  Woohoo, I have a new Boggle word now!  I guess snigger can be another Boggle word, too, though it's a little harder to get.  Just think, if I do find 'snigger', I can also get another six letter word.  :-)

I found a couple grammar problems though, nothing that hard to fix, and I also found a few 'a's that were supposed to be 'and's.  If you want me to go through the script with a fine tooth comb and flush out some other mistakes you have missed, just let me know.  I like having other people going through and finding spelling and grammar mistakes, there's always a few that get by the writer's all-too-familiar eye.

As for the story, it was entertaining, although I do agree with mcornetto in that it ended a little too abruptly, which might be due to the fact you were hurrying to get it up before Christmas.  In my opinion, it does need a cleaner and smoother wrap up.  A little bit of closure.  Not too sure if Dennis was killed or just hospitalized.  And the whole story was about Clive, but you ended it on Dennis.  Maybe Clive could feel sorry for him, but then Nick sends him back to finish Dennis' route.

It reminded me a little bit of 'Bad Santa', but that could have just been the imagery of Santa smoking and swearing and p*ssing on himself.  That and I do remember Billy Bob Thornton yelling out 'Jesus Christ, kid!'.

But, save for the ending, it wasn't too bad of a story and was, the 'fuck's aside, a cute story.  Maybe 'cute's not the right word to describe this, but it was interesting and creative.

- Mark


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Yosef91
Posted: January 2nd, 2008, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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I know what a fob is, but snigger is a new one.  I love Boggle, by the way.


Quoted Text
Jesus, the kids today don’t know their born.

This line confused me.  Is it supposed to be "they're" born?  If so, I still don't know what it means.


Quoted Text
A creek (O.S.)

Do you mean "A creak"?  Might be a good place for a sound cue (CREAK)


Quoted Text
Holy shit, might have over down
it with the sparkle.

Did you mean overdone?


I loved the story until the ending.  Your ideas about cubes, sleighs dust, etc. were great.  I just don't think it ended well.  If you had expanded the bit about Clive and the kid and made it either more touching or funny, I might have liked it more.  I didn't like the fact that the funny ending happened to a secondary character.

All in all, a good read.
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dkw208
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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hey anthony,
i have a few notes.  i think you need to set up your conflict early.  i'm not sure how you could do that, but since this is a short, i think within the first 2-3 pages we should see some conflict.  i'm still not sure of which story you want to tell, based on the ending.  i know you said you had been struggling with an end, but i think for this script you should keep the focuse on clive.  here's a suggestion, although you may not like it:  early on it could be established that dennis also got a crappy assignment, and then later, like at clive's second house, clive could be greatly struggling, and be very furious, and he could say something like "it could be worse-i could be dennis"-then you would cut to an insert of dennis at his current assignment, having the time of his life at some house with a whole spread of food.  this could be kind of funny (kind of like the 'seinfeld' episode where jerry lives it up in first class, while elaine slums it in coach).  then at the end, clive could be at adam's house (and make adam's house even more depresssing), and adam could be some sad little kid, and then clive saves the day for him like you have him do, and it can end with clive getting back on the sleigh feeling good about himself


please read:
canyon lake-21 pages - american gem quarterfinalist (contest ongoing):
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1200534890/



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mcornetto
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Excuse me for piping in but I think the point was that Dennis had a posh assignment and Clive had a crappy one.  Yet, Clive returned without problems and Dennis is likely in hospital.
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alffy
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107
Hey Anthony,

I just want to start out by saying 'Thank you for teaching me something new.'  Actually, I learned two new things after reading your script.  I never knew 'snigger' was a word.  But I looked it up before I mentioned anything and, sure enough, there it was, the same thing as snicker.

'Fob' was another word I had never come across or heard of before, but I looked that one up and there it was.  Woohoo, I have a new Boggle word now!  I guess snigger can be another Boggle word, too, though it's a little harder to get.  Just think, if I do find 'snigger', I can also get another six letter word.  :-)

I found a couple grammar problems though, nothing that hard to fix.

It reminded me a little bit of 'Bad Santa', but that could have just been the imagery of Santa smoking and swearing and p*ssing on himself.  That and I do remember Billy Bob Thornton yelling out 'Jesus Christ, kid!'.

- Mark


Thanks for the read and glad to help you with a few new words lol.

I always miss spelling in my own scripts but I have no problems when reading others.

As for the Bad Santa similarities, that's strange as genuinely I haven't seen that film.

Anywho thanks again for the read Mark.

Yosef91, thanks for reading and thanks for pointing out the errors.  Yes it's meant to be creak and as for the don't know they're born, I guess it's an English thing.

dkw208, cheers for the review but mcornetto is right in his observations.

If anyone wants me to repay the favour and read a short just pm me and I'll be happy to leave my thoughts.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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dkw208
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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i got the point that clive had the crappy assignment and dennis had the good one, but it ended up reversing, but my point is that clive is your central character.  so even though dennis ended up getting screwed, the audience doesn't care as much because dennis wasn't the antagonist (so we weren't happy he got hurt), and dennis wasn't really part of the story (so it felt extraneous), so it wasn't as effective as it could have been.  i think if clive is expecting an easy outing, and dennis expects a crappy outing, but that reverses, then it would be more interesting, because we want to see our protagonist struggle mightily before ultimately persevering (which did happen).  i just think if we saw dennis living it up, it could be funny to serve as a contrast to clive's struggles ("the simpsons" does this all the time.  Homer/Bart struggles and they see their friends/peers living it up)  


please read:
canyon lake-21 pages - american gem quarterfinalist (contest ongoing):
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1200534890/



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alffy
Posted: January 4th, 2008, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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dkw208 thanks for the advice.  

I will probably work on this again...at some point, as most have correctly pointed out that the end isn't the greatest.  I'll take on board everyones comments to try and improve it.  

Thanks again for the comments.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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tomson
Posted: January 7th, 2008, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy,

I really liked your script. I thought it was pretty darn good. I was however a bit disappointed in the ending. Did you run out of time? I thoroughly enjoyed your script until the very end.

You have something really good here, love Clive despite his shortcomings. I think I know what Denis is supposed to represent, but the way your script reads, he’s just lucky to get the route he gets. It’s not a flaw on his person/personality so his punishment/bad luck doesn’t seem fair. IMHO, he didn’t really do anything wrong.

I loved the way you had this set up. Sort of a FedEx type operation.

Your details are great and provides comedic elements.

I like the description “facial foliage”!

What about the field with all the reindeer? Aren’t they going to be used?

Try to keep a present tense throughout avoiding words that end with ‘ing. I know it seems silly to worry about, but apparently that is important.

I really like this. Loved the idea of the cubes being delivered and by remote being turned into the real items. Wrapped and all.

Page 5, cover – covered

Anyway, I honestly think this was really good. Good writing and good story. Just fix the ending and it will be really good.

Hope this helps,

PIa
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alffy
Posted: January 9th, 2008, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Cheers for checking this out Pia.

Yeah I ran out of time, trying to get it posted before Christmas so the ending was a bit rushed.  I'm definately going to redo it soon.

I'll try and change the 'ing's' I always miss a few.

The reindeers were there to show how times have changed and they aren't needed now.

Glad you liked the cube idea too.

Anywho I'll defo improve this as everyone so far has pointed out the dissapointing ending.  Thanks again and if you want me to read anything of yours just pm me.

alffy


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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alffy
Posted: January 29th, 2008, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys the new draft for this is up.  Thanks everyone that's read this so far, your comments were welcomed and i've incorporated some of your suggestions in the rewrite.  Hopefully the ending is better now...hopefully.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 29th, 2008, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey alffy,

For boo boos ... You forgot FADE IN, and have reindeers on page3  


I didn't read the original where the others said that it ended abruptly, but I think this one did, too.
Sorry.

Now if the Clive santa knew that the other santa always got special treatment and he always got the shaft, maybe he would do something to either his sleigh, his route or his list to get even with the guy and to have a good laugh.

I don't think you need the scene with the little boy. You can show Clive having an easy time just going though the motions of being santa (if he took the time to get rid of all of the things he knew would be bad by putting them on the other santa's route).

I would have liked to seen Clive giving the other santa ex-lax or unhooking his reindeer from the sled.

I liked the cubes, and the dust  .

I was kind of surprised when santa left his sleigh on the ground in a bad neighborhood.

I just would have liked to seen him do sort of a sabotage to the other santa.

Just my two cents,

Hope it made some sense,
Cindy


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Available screenplays
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