Think of me and I'll be there... by Robert Glenn Newcomer - Short, Horror - The mind of one young girl holds more power than anyone had imagined.  25 pages - pdf, format

Hey Bert.  I remember this from the work in progress thread you posted a little while back.  Still toiling in the macbre, I see.

*Minor Spoiler*

I think you set up a pretty intriguing premise here, that of a little girl who can - I think I got this right - forge a psychic link with an object or person?  From your opening scene at the lab I was led to believe this was going to be more along the lines of telekenesis but the ending sort of dispelled that.  One suggestion might be to establish her abilities a little more suscinctly up front.  I think you'd still maintain the mystery if that's what you were concerned about.

*End Spoiler*

Page 22 - you misspelled 'Evie' 'Edie'.  The only typo I found.  Kinda funny though, huh?

I like the scene transition with the spinning tire.  I always like it when a writer can compose a shot like that without breaking any format rules.

I might hint at trouble in the marrage.  It sort of feels like the husband was oblivious to this all.  Maybe show that he's aware of the friction between his wife and daughter or something to suggest that all is not right.  He can ultimately dismiss this but I think it would draw his character, and the story, out more fully.

As for the characters, all were appropriately sympathetic or evil; they were well drawn up.  I think I may have pointed out with 'Salvage' that none of the characters were too likable.  Not a problem here.  In fact I'd say that was the strength of this story, at least to me.

Storywise you packed alot into 25 pages.  I could sort of see where this was heading in spots but it was more of a slow realization that came to light as I was reading.  The only time I really felt I was ahead of the story was when Charlie dropped the body into the lake - I just knew what was to come.  That can play both ways though; knowledge of what's to come builds suspense.  I don't think you meant to set us up for some big twist so it doesn't unduely mar the story.

That final scene at the end, when it does come, was sort of unnerving and amusing at the same time but I think it works.  The humor part plays as sort of an affectionate little jab at the genre.

All in all I enjoyed this.  

-Mike

Hey Bert,

Long time no writing. What's it been? A year and a half? Good to see something new from you. I read it within minutes after it went up. I decided to let it sit in my head for a bit before rereading and commenting. I'm hoping you want honesty and not just me praising you... I can do that anytime.

SPOILERS:

I think you started out well in the beginning with the blind girl and her powers, but as the story went along you sort of abandoned that theme. I know it comes back into play, but not escalating and escalating as one would expect. It's hardly there at all. Unless I missed something which is entirely possible.

The relationship between Kate and Trevor works and is believable. I think however that Evie and Kate's relationship is something you can work on some. Their relationship is where you can definitely up the creepiness or horror aspects. Think about it, an evil stepmother alone with a blind little rich girl in a mansion. That has huge potential for the audience to fear for the girl.

Evie and Charlie going at it like animals? That doesn't quite work for me. I didn't see any real affection between them anywhere else, or is Evie just playing him? Either way I think that needs some tweaking.

The boathouse stuff was okay, but seemed like something I've seen before. Several times even...  It is creepy how he comes back and the visuals are good, but I didn't feel fear or worried for Kate which I think is what is missing. If I were to suggest something, it would be to have hear involved more in that part.

The horror of this script to me is the blind girl and the danger from her stepmother and her almost losing her dad. I'd like to see more build up of that and less about it all being about money.

I might come back and add something more tomorrow, but these were my first thoughts.

Hope it helps,

Pia

Hey Bert,

Taking a little time of from The Farm I decided to read this. I remember you asked about "how to kill someone without leaving a trace" while working on the story. Obviously you found a way, though it wasn't quite what I had hoped for.

This story is basically a fairytale. It has the familiar elements. Magic among others, and the wicked step-mom. Alas, it felt incomplete. To me, the interesting part about this story was Kate's powers, ESP or whatever it is. It certainly had some X-Men elements and I found that very interesting. It kinda reminded me of an old movie  with Martin Sheen whose son has these psychic power (can't remember its title though). The whole plot with Evie and Charlie seemed like something out of an episode of Columbo - and while I absolutely love Columbo, we've just seen it a million times before. Nothing new under the sun here.

I would much rather have read about Kate's powers than a plan gone awry.

About the scene with the canoe. I'm sorry for getting all logical here, but when's the last time you rode a canoe. From what I remember, those things are unsteady as hell. I mean, if you shift your weight from one foot to the other, those damn things almost capsizses. So to thrown a grown man off its side seems not doable. A row boat would probably work better.

But the script is really well written though, the characters are scetched out nicely and that makes Evie's and Charlie's motive seems believable after the way you set it up.

I just hope that you will one day refrain from using the word IS (or ARE) in your descriptions. Those words generally disrupt the flow of a script and this is no exeption. First of all, when used to describe a character's feelings, it comes across forced and on the nose. Second, it's a way of telling and not showing.

Don't CAP your dialogue when a simple ! does the job better. And there's certainly no need to underline it as well.

All in all I thought it was well written but too thin to be outstanding. A good effort though.


Cheers
Rob  

Cool, I’ll read this later.

Just kidding

Already read it, and got some comments, with spoilers of course.

Nice, creepy opening scene. And very tight first act. You really cover a lot of ground within few scenes, establishing exactly what we need to know. No more, no less. No complaints here.

Trevor’s “death” scene in the limousine was nice. I really like your the execution method you finally went for.

I’m wondering if finding a guy who looks so alike to Trevor isn’t a bit too lucky for the bad guys here. I’m guessing you did some research on this and look alike people exist in reality, but I dunno, still feels like a pill a little too hard to swallow. Have you considered the plastic surgery route?

Once her plan goes south, Evie’s monologue about her plan B felt a bit off, almost like a cartoon villain. It’s only a brief moment, but it doesn’t match dark mood you successfully created.

Taped Trevor coming out from that lake would look really creepy on screen. Loved the detail of having one eye peeking from behind the tape. Excellent.

Overall I think this is a nice “Tales From the Crypt” kind of story.

From a story telling point of view is pretty solid but it felt a bit short in the horror department. It has its creepy moments but it didn’t feel as scary as some of your previous work - I’m thinking of  Wall Mart to be precise. I’m not sure if I can pin point the exact reason, but I’ll try.

Most of the scary scenes are told from the bad guys POV here; they are the victims of the scary factor in this tale. When a good guy is in danger, the audience is afraid for him. Since the audience usually identifies with the good guys, the usual subconcious feeling might be something like “Hey, that could happen to me”.

But when a bad guy is in danger, the audience’s first reaction might be something like “Screw him, he deserves it”. Maybe that’s why watching Evie in danger didn’t make me feel that cold thing in my stomach like I felt with that poor little boy in Wall Mart.

This doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy the creativity of those scenes; they were enjoyable to read. The whole script was.

I hope we don’t have to wait another year to see something from you again. If my math is correct Bert Jr. should be old enough to do some moderating; that should give you some extra time.  

Hey Bert. How you doin'?

I decided to give this one a whirl.

Your writing is pretty damn good, and your format is a-okay. Though that is to be expected from a SS "veteran".

That being said, I think this script was sort of bland at times. There was a lot of potential here that I never really saw accomplished and the climax in particular seemed really rushed.

Among these wasted subplots were Trevor's creepy double, Evie's plan, and of course, Kate's powers. There was so much more you could've done with this than you actually did, and I ended up being very dissapointed. This script would be better off as a feature and nothing else. There are too many good story arcs here to spend them on a 25-pg script.

You spent a lot of space on Charlie and Evie, who's arc I found boring and clichéd. I would've much preferred to read about Kate's powers and her mom's death (which is another cliché in itself) than a petty wife plotting against her rich husband (and complete with a nice-but-misguided limo driver!).  

Which brings me to another complaint--I never wished anything upon Evie. She was just way too stereotypical and cartoony for me to hate her. Think Famke(sp?) Jensen in the House on Haunted Hill remake.

All in all, a wasted opportunity. There is just too much potential here to be used on a short.

Sorry. At first glance, this seems like an awesome script. But once you ponder on what it could've been, it far outshines what was actually written. I think a feature is the only way to fix this script, IMHO.

Although I must give you props for that last scene with Teddy, Kate, dead daddy and dead doggie. That was pure awesomeness. The first act with the recording was really good too. Other than that, I didn't really enjoy this when I considered how much better it could've turned out.

--Julio  

Hey Bert,

Nice to see something from you again.  It's been awhile.

I think I'm in agreement with Z as far as the "Tales from the Crypt" thing goes, at least in regards to this version of the script.  Although I'll admit that when Trevor reappears I immediately thought of the Ted Danson/Leslie Nielsen vignette from Creepshow.  "Hold Your Breath".

Anyway, others have mentioned wasted opportunities and the like, but I can't say I agree with them 100%.  Sure, you could delve into all of the additional aspects of this a bit more and expand this into a feature, but as it is I think everything still has its place.

I noticed more contractions in your dialogue than usual, which is a good thing.  Definitely gives it a more natural feel.

Overall, an effective short that I wouldn't mind seeing as a feature.

Spoilers below deck....

Bert, really nicely written script from you again. I enjoy reading one of your scripts because the writing is always top notch. The opening couple of scenes I thought were superb, the dialogue in the scene between Trevor and Meghan was excellent, even though it was a short scene and not much happened it really came across as being realistic and very well done and helped set the tone for the rest of the story.

I got the end and could not believe it was 25 pages, If I had took a guess I would have said it was only 10 or so, not sure what that means really but I am taking it to mean it was so engaging and well paced that time just slipped by.

I wonder if you have a fetish for animated teddy bears?

I take it that it was Kate who brought Trevor back from the dead? I feel you never really made much of that, I know you set the story up with Kate as some kind of telekinetic but felt you never really expanded on that very much so I am left unsure whether it was Kate who brought back Trevor back or not - though I am guessing it was due to the title!

One thing that I did pick up on which may be a bit petty after reading such a well written script was this line...

Quoted Text Kate exits and turns her face to the sun.  She wears thick, dark sunglasses. Kate is blind.  So she does not see the huge, white German Shepherd bounding directly towards her.

Would we know she was blind just by seeing her in dark sunglasses? Instead of saying she is blind is there not a way to show us she is blind? (not sure about the US but in the UK blind dogs are usually labradors - though maybe Jacks is not a blind/guide dog as such, maybe one way to show she is blind?) Maybe if she had a cane or something.

Also, Why does Meghan say "roll film" and we see a grainy black and white video? surely it is much more likely that they would be using a color DV camera?

Anyway great script, Look forward to seeing this on YouTube one day soon.

Thanks Murphy

Hey Bert,

I enjoyed it. This seemed to work as a televsion show like beyond belief or twilight zone. Not bad. The characters were very believeable (it felt as if I was present with them). Descriptions were as always top par. Format spot on.

SPOILERS!

Wasn't scared much, sad to say. But felt kind of sad though. Not that it didn't scared me but that Kate probably doesn't know her dad is dead yet. And oddly enough, I like that. Those are the ones that you remember most, in my opinion.

But I found the script length to best fit the story. I do not think it needs to be made into a feature unless if a sequel is coming or something else.

1. My eight year old girl can't say damn, yet your girl can say the word bitch. lol. Humour aside, that scene didn't work with me well. I'll have to look at it again to gather my thoughts about it.

2. When evie pratices her tale, i suggest removing her  fake tears. I know you try to portray her even worse by having that scene  but I think that is already done with the glass shard scene where she threatens Kate.

hope some of this helps,
Gabe

Hey Bert,

What a fun read that was?  I had no trouble picturing it as I read and most of the characters seemed complete and I could picture them as well.   The dialogue was well done and had a natural feel.  

I did have some trouble communing with Dirk but he is a minor character so it didn’t really matter overall.  The only other issue I had was the blood and tooth on the lake shore. I thought that was a bit overboard and you could have been a bit more Hitchcock with it.

The story seemed complete to me, I didn’t feel like there was any loose end or any need to expand it.  As others have said it had a ‘Tales of the Crypt’ feel to it – and that’s a good thing. I loved ‘Tales of the Crypt’.  

There are plenty of places you can market this.  Webisodes are an emerging market and you might search the net for a webisodic horror series. They are probably looking for good, inexpensive to produce, shorts – and this is one of them.  

Oh, almost forgot, I did find one silly nit.

page 7 -- bathing the room in darkness that is meaningless to her.
It would be difficult to film that it is meaningless to her.

Thank you, guys.  I found alot more here this morning than I had expected!  It will take me a while to mull over all of this, and I have kind of busy morning on tap over here.

I intentionally avoided the boards yesterday, in part to avoid obsessively checking every 15 minutes or so, but also because what I am reading here confirms some of my suspicions about this one -- that as a whole, it is somehow less than the sum of its parts.

Often a story will come together fairly quick.  This one did not.  After I popped it into my signature, I found myself struggling with it for a while, trying to pull everything together, and it kept getting longer.  Much longer than I had initially envisioned.

I will pop back on later for some specific things, but wanted to drop a blanket "Thanks!" to you guys while I had the chance.

Also, to drop a quick SPOILER QUESTION that arises from reading some of these comments.  I am concerned that something is not coming across as I intended:


Trevor and Jacks are still dead.  They are no more alive than that teddy bear.  It is not meant to be a heartwarming ending by any means.  Kate is all alone, really, and it is supposed to be horrific.  Please drop me a post or PM if you misinterpreted that point, cause it is kind of important, and I want to know.

End spoiler.

Thanks again, guys.  After I have dug myself out from the Monday morning slop I will consider some of this stuff in a little more depth.

All of it is appreciated.

Hi Bert,

I'm always up for reading your stuff, so I gave this one a look almost immediately. Although I have to say it wasn't what I had hoped.

I think you are a very gifted writer and your prose and action sequences are impeccable, however the characters and plot suffers in this one, IMO. I loved the opening scene with the re-animating teddy, and was hoping you would explore her powers some more, perhaps in a novel way, because that was really interesting. But as is, these scenes with Kate using her powers only bookend the story and aren't so much what the story is about.

I remember we were musing on whether or not you could write a good story without "themes" the other day in another discussion, and I think part of my problem with this one is that it doesn't have any. Or at least it doesn't explore them. There is a latent theme of loss, that is also mirrored by Kate's nascent powers, but instead the story focuses on a kinda clichéd plot to get rid of Kate's dad by Cruella De Vil (sorry, couldn't resist ) and her ambivalent nr. two. Like others are saying, I think it's been done before and didn't really hold my attention.

I liked the wine bleeding through Evie's patch though. Reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth. And the ending, in terms ofatmosphere, I liked. I sorta found the Loss theme there again. I think it could be worth exploring further.

Btw. VERY anal nitpick here: I doubt a blind girl would make the mistake of pronouncing Belgium BEL-GUM, as this is something that could be deduced based on the way it's spelled. But phonetically It's BEL-JUM.

Yes Bert. I did not get that they were still dead. I thought her powers made them come back to life.

I do also agree with Gabe about the bitch part.

Thanks to those that have checked this out.  I have read through all of these several times now, and appreciate the input.  This is the first time I have posted something where I myself felt it was less than perfect, but I could not seem to move it forward, and needed fresh thoughts.  So thanks for coming through with that.

While considering everything you guys put out there, I will just cherry-pick my way through some of these comments.

Quoted from mgj One suggestion might be to establish her abilities a little more succinctly up front.

Quoted from Gomez I would've much preferred to read about Kate's powers and her mom's death

Two of many comments along these lines -- wanting more about Kate and what she really can and cannot do.  I like that kind of stuff too, but this just kept getting longer and longer, and I found myself shoehorning "power scenes" into the mix that did not really move the story forward.  Enough of you mentioned this that it probably has merit.

Gomez is the only one (I think) who mentioned mom’s death.  I am glad that one just slipped by and was accepted by most readers.  That was another subplot sacrificed to length.

Quoted from Pia That has huge potential for the audience to fear for the girl.

Quoted from Z When a good guy is in danger, the audience is afraid for him

This goes along with previous thoughts about involving Kate more in the story.  That chase through the woods near the end was supposed to satisfy that.  She is in danger then.  But she really isn't threatened aside from that, is she?  Another good aspect that I really was not thinking about.

Quoted from Sniper A row boat would probably work better.

Indeed it would.  Good, practical comment.  And simple enough to fix.

Quoted from Sniper Don't CAP your dialogue when a simple ! does the job better. And there's certainly no need to underline it as well.

I know not to do this.  I tell people not to do it.  But then, of course, MY stuff needs it haha.  Is their anything more conceited than a writer?

Quoted from Z I’m wondering if finding a guy who looks so alike to Trevor isn’t a bit too lucky

I thought about that, but I did a lot of traveling this summer, too, and this plan occurred to me in the airport.  They really just glance at the ID.  I think “close” is close enough.  Plastic surgery?  I don't know.  Again, we are making things longer.

Quoted from Gomez She was just way too stereotypical and cartoony for me to hate her. Think Famke(sp?) Jensen...

Fair enough.  If we are playing the casting game, I was thinking Parker Posey.

Quoted from Mike Although I'll admit that when Trevor reappears I immediately thought of …Creepshow.

Guilty as charged.

Quoted from Mike I noticed more contractions in your dialogue than usual.

Yeah, that comes from you.  Thanks, it does help.

Quoted from Murphy I wonder if you have a fetish for animated teddy bears?

Um, yeah.  That one actually occurred to me, too.  Not sure what to say about that, actually.  Weird.

Quoted from Murphy Also, Why does Meghan say "roll film" and we see a grainy black and white video? surely it is much more likely that they would be using a color DV camera?

I went back and forth on that.  It was simply for the visual aspects.  I just thought it would look better.  You are right, though.  I wonder if anybody else had a problem with that aspect.

Quoted from Gabe My eight year old girl can't say d*rn, yet your girl can say the word b****.

Pia did not like it either.  I will probably take that comment on board.

Quoted from Mcornetto I did find one silly nit…bathing the room in darkness that is meaningless to her.  It would be difficult to film that it is meaningless to her.

I know.  I know.  I just can’t help myself.  See my earlier comment to Sniper.

Quoted from DM I remember we were musing on whether or not you could write a good story without "themes" the other day in another discussion, and I think part of my problem with this one is that it doesn't have any.

Yeah...this is the story I was writing when I made that comment.  And I am still considering my thoughts on that.  Loss is there, yes, but it is not really as pervasive as it might be.  Perhaps there are other characters that need to lose something.

Quoted from DM VERY anal nitpick here: I doubt a blind girl would make the mistake of pronouncing Belgium BEL-GUM, as this is something that could be deduced based on the way it's spelled. But phonetically It's BEL-JUM.

As a fellow anal-retentive, I have to say that this just might be my favorite comment.  You are so absolutely right.

Thanks again to those who took the time to check this out.  I just don’t think there is anywhere else where you can really get this kind of help, from so many different points of view.  It’s just great.

Bert,

About the boat - Trevor is a rich dude, so he probably has a yacht, a speed boat or something along those lines.