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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  T'was Christmas Eve Moderators: bert
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  Author    T'was Christmas Eve  (currently 1557 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2008, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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T'was Christmas Eve by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Short, Period, Drama - A life of ill repute condemned her from keeping her true love. 5 pages - pdf, format


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elis
Posted: January 16th, 2008, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for posting the script Don.
Much Appreciated, Elisabeth


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James Carlette
Posted: January 16th, 2008, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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I liked this - but I felt it was too short.

Maybe if you show some more of Marion's life it might lend more weight to her giving up the child. As it is, I was sympathetic to her plight but didn't feel overly involved with it all.




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Gwydion
Posted: January 16th, 2008, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Elis,

Nice story.  I can tell you've worked a lot on your puncuation.  Good consistancy with your vernacular.  There are a few disagreements with plural/singular, but not horrible considering.

I felt like the ending was a bit harsh and took away from my sympathy for Marion.  We don't spend much time with her and just when we get a good feeling for what she's going through...  It does seem plausible that the elements could get to her, if you want to go that route.  Then we would hate the villagers more for not taking her in.

I think the story is really clear and nothing needs to be explained in great detail.  You've got some action lines that are distracting as they are written.  I think that's a by-product of trying to condense too many visuals into one line.  It could also be a touch of a language/speech-pattern barrier.  Just slowed down in parts.  Maybe a good thing for the pace, but a bad thing for trying to visualize everything.

I like Elsbeth's seeming unconscious understanding of Marion's importance/relation.  It's the glimmer of hope that makes the ending a touch more tragic.  You've got very good easy/quick to understand characters.  A good read, but I just didn't want Marion to do the villagers any favors, you know?


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elis
Posted: January 16th, 2008, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James Carlette
I liked this - but I felt it was too short.

Maybe if you show some more of Marion's life it might lend more weight to her giving up the child. As it is, I was sympathetic to her plight but didn't feel overly involved with it all.


Thanks James,
It was a 5 page limit story and I agree, more needs to be shown towards Marion.
Thanks for the read and comment, much appreciated.


Quoted from Gwydion
Hey, Elis,

Nice story.  

I felt like the ending was a bit harsh and took away from my sympathy for Marion.  We don't spend much time with her and just when we get a good feeling for what she's going through...  It does seem plausible that the elements could get to her, if you want to go that route.  Then we would hate the villagers more for not taking her in.


funny you should say that, my original idea was to let her die from the elements but, it reminded me too much of 'the little match girl'.



Quoted from Gwydion
Hey, Elis,
I think the story is really clear and nothing needs to be explained in great detail.  You've got some action lines that are distracting as they are written.  I think that's a by-product of trying to condense too many visuals into one line.  It could also be a touch of a language/speech-pattern barrier.  Just slowed down in parts.  Maybe a good thing for the pace, but a bad thing for trying to visualize everything.


English is my second language but I hope this is not a reflection of "language/speech-pattern barrier"; although it might.
I mentioned in the other post, that this was a script limited to five pages, I will look at the actions a little further as I intend to do a rewrite.


Quoted from Gwydion

I like Elsbeth's seeming unconscious understanding of Marion's importance/relation.  It's the glimmer of hope that makes the ending a touch more tragic.  You've got very good easy/quick to understand characters.  A good read, but I just didn't want Marion to do the villagers any favors, you know?


I think you have a point with Marion, shall give it a further twist in the next rewrite.

Thanks again the read and valuable feed back,
Elisabeth




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
elis  -  January 16th, 2008, 5:38pm
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Soap Hands
Posted: January 16th, 2008, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Just to let you know, the description, "A lady’s voice sings out in disgust ”you Jezebel”" really cracked me up. I know it wasn't what you intended but when I read it I immediately imagined someone melodramatically stepping out of the crowd and singing like in a musical. Kinda like a simpsons gag.

Well anyway, from that point forward it kind of steam rolled and I kept imagining everything super super melodramatically and I found it all very humorous.

I'm just letting you know because it had a large impact of my first impression.

After I calmed my self down I went through it again and now I'll try to contribute something useful.

I thought it was well written. Your format was good, I liked your descriptions, some of the dialog was a little expositional but I'll let it go because of the short length.

Story wise I thought it was pretty good. I thought you got all the points across well and did it in an engaging way. My only complaint is that I felt a lot of it was kind of over the top(this contributed to my laughing fit after I saw it in a comedic light, I hope you understand). Perhaps there are one too many tears rolling down the cheek.  That's a matter of taste so ultimately it's your call. Personally, it's not my cup of tea. Also be aware that I'm not really into tear jerkers though, so take that with a grain of salt and use your best judgment.

good job,

sheepwalker  
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elis
Posted: January 18th, 2008, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi Sheepwalker,

Somehow strange that you got a laugh from this script but, hey...each to their own humor.
I appreciate the read and feedback and it is good to get a completely unexpected review.

Thanks again.


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alffy
Posted: January 20th, 2008, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey elis,  I liked this although it made me depressed lol.

I read that this was written with a 5 page limit.  It seems a bit short but I now understand why.  I rewrite would expand the story for the best, I think.  I wanted to know nore about the affair between Marion and Henry, also more about Elsbeth.

You have good descriptions that really help set the mood, I felt a chill at one point.  Also your dialogue was natural too.

If you do expand this i'll check it out.  Good stuff.


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elis
Posted: January 21st, 2008, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Alffy,
Thanks for the read
I will extend on it. It does need more meat
I'll post it up when done.

Thanks again


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dkw208
Posted: January 24th, 2008, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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hey, here are my notes:  you did a good job of your setting, i definitely felt cold.  and by page 3 it started to get really good (i'm not saying the first 2 pages were bad, the exposition was necessary, i just didn't know where it was going).  it was actually pretty sad and i felt bad for her.  my only thing is with the end, i didn't like how she gave a little monologue.  it didn't feel genuine.  the whole rest of the script to that point seemed realistic but then that part seemed out of something out of a play (in particular the line where she says "she was my christmas gift to you").  i know you said you had a 5 page limit, but i think it could be more powerful by expanding it.  i also am not sure how i feel about such a downer ending.  this is just my opinion, but i think it would work better if early on elsbeth says "that lady looks so cold and sad, ma'am" and then we see Marion staring off at Elsbeth, but we don't see them wave at each other.  then we see the flashback.  then we see elsbeth wave back at marion.  as a viewer, it might be more powerful because we now know the relationship between elsbeth and marion, and so it would be moving.  and then maybe it could end with elsbeth and her family, and marion walking off in opposite ways.  i'm just throwing things out there, you can do what you want with it, but suicide is such a heavy matter to cover in such a short script.  but you do have very engaging material  


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: January 24th, 2008, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Very dark. Liked the setting of the Old TImey Christmas that gets stripped away to reveal the dismal relationship between Marion and Henry, and the ultimate injustice that happens between them...Excellent, thoughtful little drama...


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Abe from LA
Posted: January 25th, 2008, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Elis.

For a 5-page short, written with restrictions, I thought your script was fairly effective.
Outside of page 1 and a few instances here and there, I thought that the pacing was good.

A couple of areas that knock your story down are too much description and unclear character motives.

Addressing the first, be careful of slamming too much description on us in one, huge chunk.  Here are your first 2 paragraphs.

Quoted Text
The sun sets, as light snow falls, over the small stone
footbridge that spans the narrow Belside river; crossing
it, is a dozen or so joyous families, dressed in early 1900
European winter fashions, heading south towards a small
candle lit church.

A wooden road sign located near the footbridge, next to a
dozen singing Carollers with lantern in hands, points
towards the North; it reads ‘Rue Belside’

Ouch. Go easy, Elis.  
And weave the description with the action.  So as we follow these families on their way to church, we see the landscape.  We see the steam from their breaths. Maybe a little girl looks down from the bridge at the narrow Belside River.  Maybe we hear the crunch of snow as a hundred feet trudge over the bridge. You get my point.

Watch out when you use words like "joyous," because we need to see what makes them joyous.
If they are carolers, we should hear them.

Seek out opportunities to bring elements together.
When we see the sign of the town, how about having a central character like Marion stand near the sign.  On a different note, is it Marion or Marian?  One spelling is male and the other is female.

You know I'm no fan of characters crying.  Now how many times does poor ol' Marion shed tear drops?  But hey, that's me.  Others might love it.

Some transitions to watch. You see that line in the quoted text, ...  lanterns in hands, pointing towards the North...  on a quick read, that will leave an inaccurate image.  Going back to too much, that much verbage is bound to get you in trouble.

Quoted Text
In the moving crowd, a 30 year old woman, LOUISE,
accompanied by her 40 year old husband HENRY and her five
year old daughter ELSBETH, looks to Marion.

Above is another ponderous passage.  Break up your paragraphs.  Shorter and more concise.
Also, there should be hyphens between 30-year-old woman.  A woman is 30 years old -- described that way, there are no hyphens.  I forget what they call this...

Quoted from Soap Hands
"A lady’s voice sings out in disgust ”you Jezebel”" really cracked me up. I know it wasn't what you intended but when I read it I immediately imagined someone melodramatically stepping out of the crowd and singing like in a musical. Kinda like a simpsons gag.

The families are "carolers."  If you use a verb like "sings out in disgust, 'you Jezebel'" well it's easy to conjure up some comical images.

When Marion first appears, you might give us a facial reaction from Henry.  He's got to be surprised to see her.  Just a hint or foreshadowing of their past and what's to come.  I also think Henry might react a big stronger upon seeing Marion.  Maybe he tries to shield Elsbeth from Marion.
After all,  Marion harbors a dark secret that Henry hopes is never revealed.

I can go along with Marion giving Elsbeth a wave.
But Elsbeth "gently smiling" back, I didn't care for.  It seems like a gesture that is designed to tug at our heart strings.  Maybe if Elsbeth just stares back and then follows that by tellling her mum, "that lady looks so cold and sad..."
I'm assuming that Marion has made up her mind to end her life and wants to see her daughter before the end.

Quoted Text
The crowd enters the church; its interior warmly lit by candle light as the organ plays.

This description makes sense on Page 2 and isn't needed in detail on Page 1.

As with the number of times Marion sheds a tear, she also looks at the church a lot.  Maybe reel in one of those "looks at the church" moments on pp 2-3.

A nice transition from candle-lit church to a flashback of a candle-lit room.
The flashback scene, however spare, is my favorite because it reveals a bit of backstory.
I think that Henry has to ease the baby out of Marion's arms.  Marion would want that moment to linger.

Quoted Text
  That’s our little daughter Henry.

Uh, I don't think so.  Watch your wording and punctuations on P. 3.  Comma before Henry.  Or move the Henry part to the beginning of the dialog.  Or just drop "Henry" altogether.

So Marion is Henry's mistress?
She is only 20.  Probably poor.  Henry uses her.  He seems to care for her, some.  
Did he just want a child?
He and his wife, Louise, who is 25, never had a child.
I'm trying to fill in the Gaps.
Instead of giving Marion his mother's locket, maybe Henry should just give this poor woman $$.
Or, if you want to go with the locket, maybe you can put it to better use.  Have Marion do something with that locket, since we spend an inordinate amount of reading time with it.

It's possible that Henry could remove himself from the crowd. Walk over toMarion near the bridge.  Have words with her, if he really cares for her.
He could tell Louise that he's appeasing Elsbeth.  And he could tell the little girl that  he will say a kind word to a poor, beggar woman.
If Louise gets nasty about it, Henry can snap back - "It's Christmas Eve."
And if Henry and Marion meet...she can return the locket.  Ask that Henry give it to their daughter.

Or what if Elsbeth wants to say something to this poor woman on the streets?  Maybe a Merry Christmas or something.  You can establish a quick connection between the two.  Maybe that's all it will take to save Marion's life.  Who knows?

Elis, have you ever seen the John Forsythe/Lana Turner film "Madame X"?  It deals with a mother who willingly gives up her baby to protect the child from her reckless life.  And to ensure that her scandals don't hinder her husband's professional aspirations.
Decades later, the mother commits a heinous crime to protect her Identity from reaching the newspapers. And when she is put on trial, her son (now a grown man and an attorney) defends her.  He doesn't know that she is his mother.  And the mother never reveals herself. The final scene is a real tear jerker.
Your story sort of reminds me of X.  Not so much in story, but in situation.
Another lesser story with a similar premise is "Because of You," with Loretta Young.
Of course, both movies follow the mothers' stories.

Obviously you couldn't flesh out much in 5 pages.  But think about a few wrinkles that tell us more about Marion and Henry, and their situation.  You have some nice moments and with the page restrictions now removed, I'd like to see you can take this story to the next level.  Good luck.

Abe
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elis
Posted: January 26th, 2008, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi, dkw208,
Thank you for the read.

You're the second one that mentions that this line should be added - Elsbeth says "that lady looks so cold and sad, ma'am"
I believe it would be much better than just having Elsbeth look back and will use it in my expansion of the script.
Suicide is a heavy matter and I do agree for a short script, probably overdramatic. Depending on how the story unfolds, after the rewrite, I'll dtermine which way I'll end it.

Thanks again for the valuable feedback.

Hi, Blakkwolfe,
Thanks for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Hi, Abe,
Thanks a hundred times  
You've done it again, lol.
A review fit for a king.
I have found your reviews to be very informative. I am in awe of the way you analize a script.



So Marion is Henry's mistress?
She is only 20.  Probably poor.  Henry uses her.  He seems to care for her, some.  
Did he just want a child?
He and his wife, Louise, who is 25, never had a child.
I'm trying to fill in the Gaps.


Marion, or as you so wisely picked up -- Marian, is a street girl. Henry secretly uses her services, Marian falls in love with Henry and accidentally falls pregnant.
Louise on the other hand cannot have children.
Marian gives up her own child knowing that she would be incapable of raising it considering her lifestyle.
Henry therefor takes the infant home, pretending it belongs to a complete stranger and since Louise is so desperate for a child she accepts the infant as her own.

I think that Henry has to ease the baby out of Marion's arms.  Marion would want that moment to linger.

Great suggestion!


Obviously you couldn't flesh out much in 5 pages.  But think about a few wrinkles that tell us more about Marion and Henry, and their situation.  You have some nice moments and with the page restrictions now removed, I'd like to see you can take this story to the next level.  Good luck.

Thanks again Abe  


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