Nice one Ayham, funny short.

Congrats.

Ayhan

Not a bad job here. I haven't read any comments so I might repeat whats being said.

Your formatting is interesting in parts although the format Nazis will say incorrect. But for me, the important thing is, it was easy to follow, your locations were set up well. As the reader we know exactly where we were & what the character is doing.

The only drawback would be space requirements, as some lines could be done without. For example "Restaurant scene" at the start is redundant as its highlighted in the scene heading below it.

Paragraphs should be limited to three or four lines max.

CASHIER
Well it depends on hungry are you! -- Might be better phrased like this -- "Well it depends on hungry you are"

You can see where this is going after the first couple of times he has to "Slip the cigarette back into his pocket" I wanted to kick the sh?t outta' "Man on Cellphone" with his coming in and out. You just know its gonna a frustrating eight pages for poor "Cashier" (Its no big deal but you should name at least the main character as it goes some way to being able to identify with him. "Cashier" just feels a little detaching, but as I said its not really a problem)

I think you handled it well, and built up the annoyance level gradually until eruption. The exchanges between Cashier & the "Hot Chick" were a highlight.

I liked the line:

CASHIER
Ma’am I did NOT ignore you! And how
the hell should I know how many
calories are in the fucking large
pizza! Why don’t you get a salad
and get it over with! -- Excellent put-down.

If she really believed he called her fat would she have hung around? I'm thinking she woulda' just gone elsewhere. But I see she had to stick around for the story to work.

What the fu?k was the "Man On Cellphone" doing come in and out, it was infuriating. I can totally understand Cashiers exasperation.

I thought the ending was ok, a little abrupt but I really couldn't see it going any other way. He was never gonna have that cigarette, was he?

It came out pretty good on screen too, solid work.

Good job

Col.

This was a good situation you have here. It's wonderful how you have an insane situation triggered by the most basic common scenario. ordering a pizza/ man want smoke break

The short film does good with your script too.

If it was filmed by an Australian I wonder if it was a short made for the Tropfest festival.  

Hey Ste. Thanks for your comment, it really feels great to see your own work up on screen

Col. Thank you for the comments, points well taken.

Tanka, you are abosultely right, Alex shot the film spesifically for the tropfest festival but unfortunately it didn't make it, and i bet my life that the winner, as usual, was some silly short with a silly name and a weird message to humanity lol