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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Closure Moderators: bert
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  Author    Closure  (currently 5013 views)
Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2008, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Closure by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama - Kate Lawler is a victim of sexual abuse. She has tried to overcome her ordeal but when her abuser is released early from prison she's back to square one. 16 pages - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: April 4th, 2008, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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as posted earlier....

My big complaint with this script is that it shouldn't be a short.  This story (and it is a good story, mind you) requires a feature length script to tell it.  The ending had a nice twist to it, one that I didn't expect.


Phil
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stebrown
Posted: April 7th, 2008, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Phil

I'm busy working my way through 'The Screenwriters Bible' and know exactly what ya mean now. What I haven't been doing is any sort of planning before I start writing. Best £10 ever spent I think.


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superdrew828
Posted: April 9th, 2008, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS*****

I enjoyed the exposition part of the script. Everything moves along very nicely. There are a few quirky dialogue moments, some lines just seem forced. And I think the story progresses to fast after Kate finds out that Micheal has been released from prison. I'm thinking that she should have some time of reflectance or maybe she goes back to her therapist, who never shows up again in the script.

I really hated the ending. It's very amateurish. It's the "and then he gets hit by a bus" ending. Where the killing seems to come out of nowhere and it does not add anything to the story or to the conflict. I think something more subtle would work even better. Or maybe the father hasn't changed and he goes back to his old ways. This way there is a motivation for Kate to kill. There could be a struggle and that is more drammatic and then maybe she accidentally kills him. Sorry, I went off on a tangent, but the ending just doesnt do it for me. I just dont care either way.

Also, sometimes it feels like Kate's character switches back and forth from being a strong female character to a weak female character. She should start out as one and end as the other. That way there is a character arc and she grows and learns something from this.

These are just some things I was thinking about. And thanks for reading my script. I appreciate that.

If you do a re-write I'd be glad to read it.


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stebrown
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Drew, cheers for checking this out.

Fair point about the ending, I've heard some positive feedback about it aswell so I'm not sure if it needs to be changed when I come to do this as a feature. Will take your comments on board for it though.

In my opinion no character is completely weak or completely strong though. I tried to give Kate some strength that gradually becomes clearer and stronger. The whole arc thing is something I really need to work on though and character development in general.

Looking back on this one there are a few characters who seem to just be there in order for reference. I really need to give preperation more time before actually writing.

Cheers again, and I'll let ya know if and when I get the feature done.

Ste


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rendevous
Posted: December 23rd, 2009, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Ah, SB, a man who has John Candy as an avatar has gotta have some good ideas.

I see you're a Geordie too. My favourite word in that accent is 'photocopier'.

Another script that should have got more attention, so it feels good to bring it back.

Now then...

Why do I know the name Kate Lawler? Google ain't helping me here. Maybe I went to school with her brother or something. Or maybe she's yet another ex-wife of mine. I really should stop getting married. But the wedding nights are such filthy fun. Er, I digress...

You don't need an apostrophe in figures for ages.

Seems to be a past tense going on here. They way you've used it isn't wrong, it could just read better in the present tense.


Quoted from Closure
He walks over to the two of them and stands by Kate.


See my recent post on Power Plays concerning 'and'. There's a few of them in here.

I think for a short, the scene in Dr. Martin's office could be trimmed a little.

I'd use alternate words for 'look' as I think you mean something else sometimes.


Quoted from Closure
Kate runs back through to the hall. Looks at Tom for
reassurance. He gives a worried face and hands her the
phone.
She stares at the phone for a moment then hands it back to
him.

For the last sentence you could change 'the phone' to it, or use an alternative like 'handset' to avoid the repetition of the noun, we've got the object in our head. Repeating it can grate a little unless it's unavoidable. In that case stick some action or reaction in between.

You're even lighter on commas than I am! And that's saying something. I've been told off, rightly too, about it. You could do with a few more here and there.

The story takes an interesting turn with the phone call and answer message.

[quote=Closure] Sam leans back in his chair. The repetition of these conversations having curbed his compassion a little.


I'm all for asides and unfilmables where suitable. But there's a bit too much tell and not enough show in that one for me.


Quoted from Closure
Oh, one more thing Tom. He wants to meet with Kate.


I think that could be phrased better.

You break your dialogue up well, which is good to see and not done enough in my opinion.

This is a talky script. And there's nothing wrong with that. Suits the subject matter. I kept getting the feeling though a lot of it could be trimmed. Especially considering the plot. Bit meatier if you know what I mean, less fat.

You're a good writer. But the whole thing could do with some trimming and revamping.

The exit prison scene has been done a few too many times in my humble. It would be nice to see a variation on it.

Capitalizing Bitch (the female dog word so fondly used by rappers, if you've the filthly word filter on) didn't work for me.


Quoted from Closure
MICHAEL Won’t you even look at me?


I don't want to spoil your plot so I quoted the line before your reveal. I think you could handle it with visual clues rather than just saying it. There's lots of ways to do, in dialogue etc.

Good repetition with the seagulls. Good scene, all of that one.

I've just read through the other comments. I disagree this should be a feature. It would need a lot more plot and I doubt it would benefit from a lot of expansion. 30 mins tops would work well for this. I think making it a feature would just kill the ending. No pun intended.

I think it's an excellent end, personally. It does need work. Surely they'd discuss it more? You should take the advice about a fight.

A coroner's hearing near the start might also help. One where we don't know where we don't know who the victim is.

There's a lot of potential here Ste. Best of luck with it.

Ren



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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 23rd, 2009, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
Why do I know the name Kate Lawler? Google ain't helping me here. Maybe I went to school with her brother or something.


She won Big Brother in 2002...



SB,

I'll check out your short later and leave my comments,


Craig


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stebrown
Posted: December 27th, 2009, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ren, thanks for checking this old one out. I've been planning on coming back to this at some point, so a fresh perspective is cool.



Quoted from rendevous

Why do I know the name Kate Lawler?


Craig's correct, she's off Big Brother. A school-boy error I've made with another one of my scripts 'Suburbia' where a certain Simon Fuller makes an appearance, haha.



Quoted from rendevous

I'm all for asides and unfilmables where suitable. But there's a bit too much tell and not enough show in that one for me.


Yeah, that one is maybe pushing it a little. I've changed that part of my writing a bit since I wrote this. I'd only been writing about 3-4 months when I did this.


Quoted from rendevous


I've just read through the other comments. I disagree this should be a feature. It would need a lot more plot and I doubt it would benefit from a lot of expansion. 30 mins tops would work well for this. I think making it a feature would just kill the ending. No pun intended.

I think it's an excellent end, personally. It does need work. Surely they'd discuss it more? You should take the advice about a fight.



Thanks man. The only real idea I had was the start/end scene and I just kind of worked a story around it. Got the idea while listening to Morcheeba's 'The Sea' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnCS25z18pI.

After trying a few different times to write treatments for features for this, I probably agree with you that this could be extended but probably just to 30 or 40 pages. I will eventually do that so any feedback is really helpful.




I'll check out your short later and leave my comments,



Cheers man, I look forward to your thoughts. Let me know if you want something read in return.

Happy holidays (although I'm back to work tomorrow )

Ste


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 27th, 2009, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi SB,


SPOILERS


I really liked this short- the gradual revelation of the identity of the abuser worked well, at first I thought it was a random individual, then maybe a family friend, then her brother etc. Well done for keeping all the details down to a minimum.

I agree that there is a bit of room for an expansion here, although not to feature length. As Re said, 20-30 pages would probably hit the mark perfectly.

No particular typos to worry about, aside from a few double-spaces.

All in all a very solid effort.

Craig

PS. I thought the ending was fine BTW.


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stebrown
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Craig

Pleased you liked it.

One idea I had was expanding it into a feature using different people's take on closure. Kind of like how the structure of 'Crash' works (not the porn one haha).

I think maybe if I just had a subplot like that, maybe one of her friends or a fellow patient deals with closure in a different way that might add a bit more substance to the story.

Thanks again


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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SB,

Yeah, thats a good idea, you should have a crack at that.

I reckon that would work well. You could maybe even have the Drs. take on the subject too?


Craig


PS You're more than welcome to check out any of the shorts or the sitcom in my thread. Any reads would be greatly appreciated!



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craig cooper-flintstone  -  December 28th, 2009, 7:59am
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NJDevil
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Ste,

I really enjoyed this one. Couldn't find anything wrong with it, which means either it's perfect or I'm not looking hard enough! I know the whole idea is to come up with suggestions/improvements, but I'd have to read it again to see if I could come up with any.

Great job!
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Brian M
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this and thought you did a really good job with it. I thought the ending was very well thought out and worked for me 100%. Kate Lawler huh, I remember her. She was the good-looking one in the house that year, right? I think I voted for her. Yeah, sad.  

The writing was great. Some things I thought were outstanding, just small things, like Michael not even looking at his driver when he is released until he mentions Kate. Small details like that really helped and helped me picture this perfectly in my head.

One thing I noticed, I think Michael is thrown from the cliff then shortly after it says "Michael appears behind Kate" in the action line, or something similar. Also, when your characters were in the middle of a conversation, they repeated each others names a lot. This happens on almost every line of dialogue on page 8 and started to stick out like a sore thumb afterwards. I would try and cut back on some of that.

Overall, you did great with this. Well done!

Brian
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stebrown
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Brian M


One thing I noticed, I think Michael is thrown from the cliff then shortly after it says "Michael appears behind Kate" in the action line, or something similar. Also, when your characters were in the middle of a conversation, they repeated each others names a lot. This happens on almost every line of dialogue on page 8 and started to stick out like a sore thumb afterwards. I would try and cut back on some of that.

Brian


Good spot with the wrong name there, cheers. Also a good point with the overuse of people's names.

I've been wanting to send something off to the bbc's writer's room for a bit now, and seens as there's a few british writers commented on this, do you think this could be a good script to send in?

Appreciate the comments and pleased you both enjoyed it.

Ste


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Brian M
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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I've had no experience with the BBC Writer's Room but I hear they do fancy drama scripts more so than other genres. I think you should go for it.

I think there new minimum page limit is 30 pages now so you would need to extend this, but I think everyone is in agreement that this would work better with more pages anyway.

Brian
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