Jessica by A. B. Steel (absteel)( - Short, Drama - It's Jerry's wedding day, but can he talk himself into going? 7 pages - pdf, format


Shelton edit:  This has been produced and can be viewed below.

Thanks for posting, Don.

Some of you MoviePoet folks will recognize this as A Date with Jessica. A director out of Toronto found the script and asked if I could make some changes. This reflects those changes. That's why I didn't mention the ages, since he had two actors in mind.

Both characters are in their early 20s.

I know the formatting doesn't adhere to the usual guidelines. I've done that on purpose. I think I've really found my voice with this script.

Thank you, in advance, for reviewing.

Austin,

Since someone apparently is going to film this then it doesn't matter what I think, but I thought I'd give it to you anyway. Just in case...

You have six minutes of film here. Sit down and watch something for six minutes and you'll realize just how much can happen in a movie in six minutes. I guess what I'm saying is, that this goes on way too long IMHO. The idea is good and I like the ending a lot, but the stuff that goes on until then could be trimmed down to just a couple of pages.

Still good job though.

Thanks for reading, Pia.

Being impatient, I went ahead and submitted a draft before actually writing a final draft.

The script that's being shot is slightly different than this.

I knew I should've waited.

To answer your questions.

No I didn't see the ending coming. That's why I liked it. A sad surprise.

The dialogue was fine, but I felt there was a little too much of it. Some of it was not necessary in order to drive the story, so it becomes "dull'ish". It read naturally, but like I said, there was just a tad too much of it

I saw her as a memory. He can't get over that she's gone so he hangs onto the memory to the point of it being real too him.

It wasn't bad at all, but I think it would work better as a 3 minute short rather than a 6 minute one.

Cute dog btw!  

I enjoyed this script very much. I thought it was a bit predictable, but it was still a good read.

Thanks, Pia! I keep on meaning to upload a new photo, but eh... it can wait. One of the scenes is shortened a tad bit. I can't remember which off the top of my head. I can email you the second draft, if you're interested.

Thanks for reading, Pants. What made you think it was predictable?

Hey Absteel,

Congrats on the turning this into film. I liked the idea especially the ending. And the dialgoue seemed fine. However, this could be shortened as Pia suggests. Also, I didn't see much conflict on Jerry to not go (only a small portion when Jessica asks and that's it). He seemed more enthusiastic to go. I think by cutting down most of the dialgoue, you can add more description to add towards Jerry's refusal to go. In the end, I liked the story. It just needs a bit of tweaking.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from ABSteel Thanks, Pia! I keep on meaning to upload a new photo, but eh... it can wait. One of the scenes is shortened a tad bit. I can't remember which off the top of my head. I can email you the second draft, if you're interested. Thanks for reading, Pants. What made you think it was predictable?

Well as soon as Jessica was in the bed in her wedding dress, I knew she was a figment of his imagination. You did a very good job describing the room and I think that is where I got the idea of her being dead. His living arrangements just sounded depressing.

Though I know what its like posting first and second drafts, as I did with "The Bench," which I just sent in the third and final draft for reading, should be up next week. I will just say I did rather enjoy reading this. I thought some of the dialgoue wasn't needed but was well written. I would love to see the final film version of this. If you don't mind, is there anyway I could read other drafts of this?

You may have to sign into read scripts, but the first draft is here:
http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=240

Thanks for reading, ShawnMan.

Good news! My script was filmed as part of the DVX TimeFest Competition by Robbie Comeau. The winners aren't announced, but I don't care about that. My script was filmed! Can you freakin' believe it?



You can view the video here: http://www.dvxfest.com/timefest/direct_dl.php?id=1000131

(Don: Be a doll and do that thing you do!)

Austin,

Congrats Austin!

Nice quality! Looked really good.  

Thanks Pia!

Hey ABSteel, congrats with the filming of this.  I guess I missed this when it was posted.  Anywho thought I'd give it a read.  I have to confess that I saw the ending coming, then lost it when they talked about the wedding, nice distraction lol.  I thought this was a nice little story but liked mention by Pia, it's a little long but I notice the film is a bit different.  Just wondering whether you changed this or was it a joint decision?  I thought the fil was great by the way and good luck with it.