SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 4:06am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  070705 Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 11 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    070705  (currently 14247 views)
stebrown
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 4:42am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks Nik

First off, apologies if that caused any offence. It was a genuine mistake to use the word muslim, it was meant to be Arabian. This is based on the London bombings of 7th July 2005 and therefore the terrorist in this is based on the terrorists who were involved in that.

Cheers for checking it out.

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 15 - 34
sniper
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 5:05am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


My UZI Weighs A Ton

Location
Northern Hemisphere
Posts
2249
Posts Per Day
0.48
Hey Ste,

I liked this one.

I agree that changing MUSLIM to ARABIC or PAKISTANI etc. would probably work better, although most terrorism around the world lately has been done by people who call themselves MUSLIMS. Is it stereotypical to use the term MUSLIM in this context? Sure. But guess what, so is real life.

What I think could have worked better in this script is that instead of Sophie sending Joe a text message, she should be leaving a message on his answering service (you could still do it mute though, you can wait to reveal what she says until we hear it when Joe listens to it). And Joe should hear a glimpse of the explosion when he listens to the message, that way it better connect the dots when he sees the images on the TV (that would work better imo. than him watching the names of the ones who have died - which they knew pretty damn fast if you ask me).

If you want to twist it a bit further, you could have the MUSLIM leave a message for someone he loves as well. That way you could build some extra emotions into the story.

Anyway, good work.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 34
NiK
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 5:14am Report to Moderator
New


Do you want my candy stick?!

Location
Turn your head right...
Posts
256
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted from stebrown
Thanks Nik

First off, apologies if that caused any offence. It was a genuine mistake to use the word muslim, it was meant to be Arabian. This is based on the London bombings of 7th July 2005 and therefore the terrorist in this is based on the terrorists who were involved in that.

Cheers for checking it out.

Ste



No offense Ste. I hope you nail it good.

Cheers



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 34
stebrown
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 6:08am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Cheers Rob

Pleased you liked it.

The muslim mistake was because it's a religion. It doesn't say anything about how the character looks.

If I do come to change it I'll keep the text messages, just I wanted to show her changing her mind. Plus I want to keep the song on her I-POD playing. What I'm thinking of is actually showing how/why they broke up in the first place. If I make this 10 pages long and introduce the terrorist on page 4/5 a little less obviously maybe that'll give it a bigger impact?

This is just one of those music videos you make up in your head while listenign to a song driving along....or am I the only one who does that? haha

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 34
Zack
Posted: June 27th, 2008, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
I liked this Ste, and I don't mind that the Muslim man is obviously gonna do something. Actually, for me it helped build tension.

Not much more too say. It was a well written, entertaining piece. Good work.

~Zack~
Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 34
stebrown
Posted: June 28th, 2008, 5:46am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Ayham

You make valid points, and I'm not going to get into a debate about terrorism or how certain races are viewed due to terrorist activity. My script is not about that.

This is a made up story based during an actual event, it isn't a comment on anything apart from what someone might have lost during the London bombings. As it is an actual event I had to base the character who commited the act on who actually did it. My choice of wording may have been wrong, but that's not down to any prejudice against muslims or arabian people.

Your point about the Nazis and Christians is a good one, but how many films have been made based around that? Quite a few, and who were the villains in them? People playing Nazis or Christians.

I don't take it as a personal attack, and as you didn't read the story I obviously don't take it as an attack on that. Just felt I had to reply to the points you raised.

Zack

Thanks for the read. The fact of the obvious outcome was meant to build the suspense, so pleased you felt that worked.

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 34
filmmanvick16
Posted: July 3rd, 2008, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I thought the script was fairly well written and played some to some nice visual imagery, though I also felt that there was no character development or story and, frankly, I didn't see what the point of the script was? I also thought it was rather stereotypical and awkward to have a MOSLEM man commit suicide.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 21 - 34
YaBoyTopher
Posted: July 4th, 2008, 12:23am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Arizona
Posts
79
Posts Per Day
0.01
I think im in the minority here but i really liked this script and i get exactly what you were trying to do here.

I like the music playing blocking out all noise and the bulk of the story be told through text message, I also think it is good that everyone knows what is going to happen from the beginning for me it adds to the drama.

What everyone needs to remember is this is based on a real event so if this were made into a film (which i think it could be made into a very good short) then most people would know what is going to happen going in, Just like in World Trade Center or Titanic people knew what was going to happen but it didn't detract from the drama it enhanced it.

My suggestion would be to try and expand this a little bit i like the idea of showing maybe three different people on the bus and what they are going through in the minutes leading up to the explosion.

But really i think this is a solid piece that i can see being made into a very good short,  if you have the inspiration to try and stretch this to 10-20 minutes and add a little more meat with some more characters it would be even better imo.

The only minor gripe i had was the ending... I wasnt crazy about it... I think it might be better with him just calling and getting her answering machine and it just ends their, The audience knows what happened to her we dont really need to see his reaction so much.

With all that said, Even if you leave it be i think its a fine piece of work.

Nice Job.


My posted Scripts:
"The First Date" - Short Comedy
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1405598063/s-0/#num1
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 34
n7
Posted: July 4th, 2008, 12:37am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi Ste,
Solid story, just too much too fit in to such a short piece. I read over some of the other reviews and agree it could easliy be expanded. Good characters, good descriptions, but there's only so much you can fit in that few pages. It may not be enough for a 100 pg. script, but it definitely could use a thourougly fleshed out 10 pg plotline. Overall it was written really well, but don't be afraid to add some backstory to the characters so the reader can care about the characters.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 23 - 34
jackx
Posted: July 1st, 2009, 2:15am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
245
Posts Per Day
0.05
hey,  not too much to add that hasn't already been said.  definately was too short to develop any emotion about the characters love situation.  I agree that seeing the explosion on tv doesn't work, its too quick to be on tv, and too much of a leap for him to know its connected.  but an explosion of that size could be felt several blocks away, so he could just be walking, hear and feel the explosion, then have people a few blocks away running and screaming, and that would pretty much imply what had happened.  also there's no reason for it to be a terrorist right?  it could just as easily have been a car crash or a bolt of lightning or anything else.  if your going to make it a terrorist there should be a reason within the story, rather than just using terrorist attack as the fill in the blank disaster.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 34
Astrid
Posted: July 1st, 2009, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



When I read of a Muslim on a bus I didn't think he'd blow himself up. It just seemed to obvious, too easy. I thought it would end on kind of a light hearted note with him, after finally having found his own phone, texting his GF who he is having teh same kind of problems with as Sophie is...connecting the two and reminding us of our shared experiences. And then of course we would all feel bad for assuming he was a terroist. Cheesy, I know!

As it is it's ok, but too obvious. Still if I was watching it and not "reviewing" it it would be touching. I thought it was well paced. Enought information was given to make me feel something.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 25 - 34
jayrex
Posted: July 2nd, 2009, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hey Ste,

Checked out this script.  Not bad.  Everything that could be said has been mentioned.

Any plans on lengthening the script?

All the best,


Javier


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 34
tonkatough
Posted: July 3rd, 2009, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Any short that drags NIK out of hiding is cool in books. Hi NIK.

Short and sweet. I like this one. The ending was haunting and beautiful and very poetic, the answering message when Joe ring the perfect metaphor for Sophie being wiped out of existince (including her phone)



.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 34
steven8
Posted: July 3rd, 2009, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.22
I liked this just as it was written, Muslim references and all.  That is for the crew behind the scenes, not the people watching.  The director will get the idea.

The only thing is, if her phone was destroyed, would he reach a voice mail at all, or would he get one of those, "The user you are trying to reach can not be located." messages?


...in no particular order
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 34
JonnyBoy
Posted: July 3rd, 2009, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
London, England
Posts
994
Posts Per Day
0.18
07/07/05 is a day I remember so clearly - the day before we'd won the right to host the Olympics, London was celebrating, and then suddenly...

I'm afraid I wasn't quite sure what to make of this. I completely got what you were going for, and I enjoyed it, but I completely disagree with those who say that you should explore more of the terrorist's motivation. This isn't a fictional character, his name was Hasib Hussain, he was 18, and what he did killed 13 people. I think it would work better if you didn't show him at all, actually. I just don't think that you, or I, or any of us could even begin to get inside the mind of someone who'd do that, and I think any attempt to do so would come across as insensitive and exploitative, even though I know that your intentions would have been good.

One change I would suggest - at the end, I doubt Sophie's phone would still be intact. I remember watching a documentary about an air disaster once and there was a dad talking about how he kept trying to phone his son's mobile and all he got was that woman's voice saying, "The number you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please call again later." I'm sure you know the voice - we've all heard it! I think just that voice, repeating over and over again as he watches the news reports, would be a better ending.

So yeah, a sad script. But one I definitely connected with. Good job.


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 29 - 34
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006