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First off, apologies if that caused any offence. It was a genuine mistake to use the word muslim, it was meant to be Arabian. This is based on the London bombings of 7th July 2005 and therefore the terrorist in this is based on the terrorists who were involved in that.
I agree that changing MUSLIM to ARABIC or PAKISTANI etc. would probably work better, although most terrorism around the world lately has been done by people who call themselves MUSLIMS. Is it stereotypical to use the term MUSLIM in this context? Sure. But guess what, so is real life.
What I think could have worked better in this script is that instead of Sophie sending Joe a text message, she should be leaving a message on his answering service (you could still do it mute though, you can wait to reveal what she says until we hear it when Joe listens to it). And Joe should hear a glimpse of the explosion when he listens to the message, that way it better connect the dots when he sees the images on the TV (that would work better imo. than him watching the names of the ones who have died - which they knew pretty damn fast if you ask me).
If you want to twist it a bit further, you could have the MUSLIM leave a message for someone he loves as well. That way you could build some extra emotions into the story.
Anyway, good work.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
First off, apologies if that caused any offence. It was a genuine mistake to use the word muslim, it was meant to be Arabian. This is based on the London bombings of 7th July 2005 and therefore the terrorist in this is based on the terrorists who were involved in that.
The muslim mistake was because it's a religion. It doesn't say anything about how the character looks.
If I do come to change it I'll keep the text messages, just I wanted to show her changing her mind. Plus I want to keep the song on her I-POD playing. What I'm thinking of is actually showing how/why they broke up in the first place. If I make this 10 pages long and introduce the terrorist on page 4/5 a little less obviously maybe that'll give it a bigger impact?
This is just one of those music videos you make up in your head while listenign to a song driving along....or am I the only one who does that? haha
You make valid points, and I'm not going to get into a debate about terrorism or how certain races are viewed due to terrorist activity. My script is not about that.
This is a made up story based during an actual event, it isn't a comment on anything apart from what someone might have lost during the London bombings. As it is an actual event I had to base the character who commited the act on who actually did it. My choice of wording may have been wrong, but that's not down to any prejudice against muslims or arabian people.
Your point about the Nazis and Christians is a good one, but how many films have been made based around that? Quite a few, and who were the villains in them? People playing Nazis or Christians.
I don't take it as a personal attack, and as you didn't read the story I obviously don't take it as an attack on that. Just felt I had to reply to the points you raised.
Zack
Thanks for the read. The fact of the obvious outcome was meant to build the suspense, so pleased you felt that worked.
I thought the script was fairly well written and played some to some nice visual imagery, though I also felt that there was no character development or story and, frankly, I didn't see what the point of the script was? I also thought it was rather stereotypical and awkward to have a MOSLEM man commit suicide.
I think im in the minority here but i really liked this script and i get exactly what you were trying to do here.
I like the music playing blocking out all noise and the bulk of the story be told through text message, I also think it is good that everyone knows what is going to happen from the beginning for me it adds to the drama.
What everyone needs to remember is this is based on a real event so if this were made into a film (which i think it could be made into a very good short) then most people would know what is going to happen going in, Just like in World Trade Center or Titanic people knew what was going to happen but it didn't detract from the drama it enhanced it.
My suggestion would be to try and expand this a little bit i like the idea of showing maybe three different people on the bus and what they are going through in the minutes leading up to the explosion.
But really i think this is a solid piece that i can see being made into a very good short, if you have the inspiration to try and stretch this to 10-20 minutes and add a little more meat with some more characters it would be even better imo.
The only minor gripe i had was the ending... I wasnt crazy about it... I think it might be better with him just calling and getting her answering machine and it just ends their, The audience knows what happened to her we dont really need to see his reaction so much.
With all that said, Even if you leave it be i think its a fine piece of work.
Hi Ste, Solid story, just too much too fit in to such a short piece. I read over some of the other reviews and agree it could easliy be expanded. Good characters, good descriptions, but there's only so much you can fit in that few pages. It may not be enough for a 100 pg. script, but it definitely could use a thourougly fleshed out 10 pg plotline. Overall it was written really well, but don't be afraid to add some backstory to the characters so the reader can care about the characters.
hey, not too much to add that hasn't already been said. definately was too short to develop any emotion about the characters love situation. I agree that seeing the explosion on tv doesn't work, its too quick to be on tv, and too much of a leap for him to know its connected. but an explosion of that size could be felt several blocks away, so he could just be walking, hear and feel the explosion, then have people a few blocks away running and screaming, and that would pretty much imply what had happened. also there's no reason for it to be a terrorist right? it could just as easily have been a car crash or a bolt of lightning or anything else. if your going to make it a terrorist there should be a reason within the story, rather than just using terrorist attack as the fill in the blank disaster.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
When I read of a Muslim on a bus I didn't think he'd blow himself up. It just seemed to obvious, too easy. I thought it would end on kind of a light hearted note with him, after finally having found his own phone, texting his GF who he is having teh same kind of problems with as Sophie is...connecting the two and reminding us of our shared experiences. And then of course we would all feel bad for assuming he was a terroist. Cheesy, I know!
As it is it's ok, but too obvious. Still if I was watching it and not "reviewing" it it would be touching. I thought it was well paced. Enought information was given to make me feel something.
Any short that drags NIK out of hiding is cool in books. Hi NIK.
Short and sweet. I like this one. The ending was haunting and beautiful and very poetic, the answering message when Joe ring the perfect metaphor for Sophie being wiped out of existince (including her phone)
I liked this just as it was written, Muslim references and all. That is for the crew behind the scenes, not the people watching. The director will get the idea.
The only thing is, if her phone was destroyed, would he reach a voice mail at all, or would he get one of those, "The user you are trying to reach can not be located." messages?
07/07/05 is a day I remember so clearly - the day before we'd won the right to host the Olympics, London was celebrating, and then suddenly...
I'm afraid I wasn't quite sure what to make of this. I completely got what you were going for, and I enjoyed it, but I completely disagree with those who say that you should explore more of the terrorist's motivation. This isn't a fictional character, his name was Hasib Hussain, he was 18, and what he did killed 13 people. I think it would work better if you didn't show him at all, actually. I just don't think that you, or I, or any of us could even begin to get inside the mind of someone who'd do that, and I think any attempt to do so would come across as insensitive and exploitative, even though I know that your intentions would have been good.
One change I would suggest - at the end, I doubt Sophie's phone would still be intact. I remember watching a documentary about an air disaster once and there was a dad talking about how he kept trying to phone his son's mobile and all he got was that woman's voice saying, "The number you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please call again later." I'm sure you know the voice - we've all heard it! I think just that voice, repeating over and over again as he watches the news reports, would be a better ending.
So yeah, a sad script. But one I definitely connected with. Good job.