SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 1:52pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Mother's Love Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 14 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Mother's Love  (currently 2067 views)
Don
Posted: July 19th, 2008, 7:15am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
A Mother's Love by Stephen Brown - Short, Horror, Comedy - It's been a year since Steve's wife, Gemma, died. He's trying to move on with his life, but his 6 year old daughter has other ideas...so does Gemma. (Inspired by Chris Morris) 18 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
stebrown
Posted: July 19th, 2008, 7:54am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks for putting this up Don.

All opinions and thoughts appreciated. It's a very dark comedy, hope at least one person likes it haha.

I will eventually be turning this into a feature, probably taking away the humour.

(It's very loosely based on a 'Jam' episode called 'The Fix-It girl'. For those who know Chris Morris and that perticular show.)

Anyone offended easily and children may want to avoid...actually no, go on give it a shot haha

Ste



Revision History (1 edits)
stebrown  -  July 19th, 2008, 8:33am
warning
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
tonkatough
Posted: July 19th, 2008, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
I was going to read your alcohoic script but when I saw this I jumped at it.

First up I must be becoming very desensitised as this script was not offensive at all. It's been done a dozen times before with the tortureporn craze the last couple of years and some of the scripts here. (James scripts spring to mind. Good stuff.)

As for the script itself why do you doubt it? It is an amazing script and I enjoyed every pages of it.

The little girl is the hight light of the script and how she calmly gives her father grusome instructions on how to despose of his dead girlfriend is priceless.  


"My seven year old daughter killed my girlfriend" is one of the most funniest lines I have ever read in a script and with in the context of the story makes it all the more funny. Good luck trying to explain that one to the cops.

Okay fair enough the basic idea for your story requires a lot of suspension of disbeliefe and has a lot of holes in it. (Wouldn't Tanya's family and workmates and friends notice her missing and her boyrfriend would be the first suspect?)

But the concept is so well written and so enjoyable I am willing to overlook details like that and I hope everyone else who reads it will do the same.

  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
stebrown
Posted: July 20th, 2008, 1:47am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks for the read Tonka

What I was most worried about was people not seeing it as a comedy. If people don't find it funny then I guess it would come across pretty sick haha. For instance, I was worried about this line -
    
     Steve’s shoulders sink, Louise breaks his grasp. She spits
     on Tanya’s face.

haha I imagine some people finding that pretty offensive.

I was playing around with the title for a while with this - originally was called 'BBQ of Love' haha, before my mates ridiculed me for that. One of the alternatives was going to be 'Suspension of Disbelief'. So yeah, you're spot on that you need plenty of that.

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
alffy
Posted: July 20th, 2008, 6:51am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Ste, how you find time for work is beyond me with all the scripts you write lol.

Anyway firstly I'd like to say that I love Steve's confidence that he isn't lost, just like every man does...then it's straight to tradegy.

Louise's reaction to Steve's comments about Tanya seemed a bit off.  She smashed the photo she was lovingly kissing moments earlier?

Louise 'We've got to chop her up'.  She's an evil child...I like her.

It's all very disturbing but I'm not sure how much of a body you'd get in a bucket?  Trust me you need a good sized wheelie bin...oh I've said too much lol.

Steve 'I've never fed a woman to my friends before'.  Another great line.

Steve's submissive behaviour to his 6 year old daughter is disturbing in itself, not to mention Louise's orders to her dad on how to dispose of Gemma's body.

This was a great story and my only small niggle is with Louise.  She just comes across as been a little older than a 6 year old.  I know this gives it a more disturbing feel but I think even a 10 year old would work and the telephone calls a nd such would be more realistic.  This doesn't really distract from the chills you've created in this tale.  I loved it and it gave me the creeps.  Really good story Ste.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
stebrown
Posted: July 20th, 2008, 7:35am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
The job I do means I have a lot of time to sit around, listen to music and think up crazy ideas like this Alffy lol.

The bit with Louise smashing the photo is supposed to show how she can just snap and even something she loves, she'll destroy. She also doesn't believe that that is her fault, just like her main crime.

I hear what you're saying about the age, but it isn't really supposed to be realistic. I think if she was older, Steve would be more likely to go through with calling the police. 6 (even though, due to revisions I had her saying she was 7 twice) means that no policeman in the world would believe Steve's story.

A twist I was thinking of was making Louise die in the car crash and Steve has actually acted alone. Kind of like Psycho, only with his daughter rather than his Mom. Maybe go down that line for the feature version.

Thanks for checking it out.

Ste





Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
alffy
Posted: July 20th, 2008, 8:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34

Quoted from stebrown
A twist I was thinking of was making Louise die in the car crash and Steve has actually acted alone. Kind of like Psycho, only with his daughter rather than his Mom. Maybe go down that line for the feature version.


That's what I thought was gonna happen, I think it would be a good alternative.  The way it plays out now though is fine.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 20th, 2008, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
I remember this. It looked familiar. I can't recall the earlier draft I read, but you'll need to still explain how a 6 year old child can and plan all this out. You give a answer in the form of the mother's voice as a v.o and when Lousie says its the mother, but don't continue it throughout. You say that it was the mom, but don't actually show it when it's requried to support that conclusion. Add a few bits during the murder and coverup since that's where the mother is needed. This tale reminds me of King's story Blaze or even Psycho, it just lacks the other character's presence.      

Hope this helps,
Gabe  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
stebrown
Posted: July 21st, 2008, 6:09am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Cheers Gabe

Yeah, as I've said above this will be getting extended into a feature, so I'm looking to see what direction I should take it in. I think the 'Psycho' theme may be the way I go -- just trying to work out whether losing the humour and making her a little older will work better.

As it is, part of the joke is the whole 'wtf?' when things start happening, because there is little to no foreshadowing of how she acts.

The only thing I added from the draft I sent you was the car crash at the start.

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
NiK
Posted: July 21st, 2008, 6:28am Report to Moderator
New


Do you want my candy stick?!

Location
Turn your head right...
Posts
256
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Ste

just started reading it...

To me it looks good till now... i will put my thoughts when i'm finished with it.

Cheers



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
NiK
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 2:15am Report to Moderator
New


Do you want my candy stick?!

Location
Turn your head right...
Posts
256
Posts Per Day
0.04
OK sorry for making you wait for the review, but now I'm finished.

This was a pretty gruesome script. So much meat and blood. I have to admit the beginning of the script was good till the thing happened...

SPOILERS!!!

Here's my review:

Lousie is so evil, it reminded me of young Michael Myers, and of the Frailty. But something is not right in my opinion.
The way Lousie acts, speaks, thinks, is too devilish for a 7 year old girl, it doesn't convince me. If she would have been possessed by some devil spirit i could believe it, but like this it's too made-up...

Steve, there are times i don't understand him. Why the hell does he have to do what Lousie tells him to do, i mean he's in his 30's he can have control himself better than his daughter. It looked like Lousie had brainwashed his mind to do what she said.

I've read your other scripts and their better then this. Sorry Stephen but this what i think, don't take it personally.

Also on page 9 you have:

He dials 999. Shouldn't this be, "He dials 911"?

On page 10:

LOUSIE: Come on daddy, it’s just like being
a butcher. Just think of her as a
cow.

Steve looks up at Louise, saliva hangs from his lips. He
LAUGHS.

STEVE
I’m not a butcher though.
LOUISE
(whining)
Pretend.

This doesn't ring me true. As i said Steve does what his daughter orders to him. Plus why does he have to laugh while
he's cutting Tanya??? He should be in shock, he should be hysterical, you should go more deeply into the characters,
i mean would a man laugh while sawing a woman, i don't think so!

Hope i wasn't too harsh on this, but as i said before i've read some really great scripts from you, this isn't one
of them.

Cheers
Erenik



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
stebrown
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 6:42am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Nik, thanks for taking a look.

First off I'm from England (we call 999, not 911).

This is supposed to be a very subversive script, where Steve has kind of gone inside himself through the shock. As Louise seems to know what she's doing, she takes control and Steve lets her.

I expected the majority of people not to like this, so I'm surprised it's kind of 50/50 so far.

Thanks for your thoughts, I'll bare them in mind when it comes to writing the feature.

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
NiK
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 6:51am Report to Moderator
New


Do you want my candy stick?!

Location
Turn your head right...
Posts
256
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted from stebrown


First off I'm from England (we call 999, not 911).

My bad, i didn't know that. Sorry!


Quoted from stebrown

As Louise seems to know what she's doing, she takes control and Steve lets her.


I don't know about the other who read the script, but what you said, that's what doesn't work for me. I can't imagine a 7-year old girl to that wise and devilish because she acts like she's possessed or like is 17 (even for this age is a bit difficult). And through the script after the first scene, i don't see the death of the mother as a motive for Lousie to act like that, she makes it more of an excuse.

Looking forward to more scripts from you.

Cheers



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
Dreamlogic
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 7:37am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
37
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Steve,

I'm not sure what I though of this.

The descriptions in the first section were great. Everything was very easy to visualise.

SPOILERS

I thought the whole first part up until the murder was very good. It was quite a sad and realistic situation. I liked the actual murder scene aswell, it was very shocking! After that I felt it started to go downhill.

I thought the way Steve let the daughter push him around was what let it down. It felt a bit to ridiclous. I doubt anyone would follow their seven year old child in such a situation. She also seemed way beyond her years. I got the idea that she was possessed by her mother or something. I would've liked to see you expand on this a bit more.

I didn't really see the humour in the script up until the bbq scene. I felt that this was were it became so sick it was funny. The head in the fish tank was a nice ending.

I'm not sure this worked as a comedy. I think you need to add some more ridiculous gory details to make it funny. It's always the dumb small things that crack me up with gory humour e.g. someone slipping over on blood. Blood spurting into someones eye. Someone coming across a chewy bit in their burger.

Good work.


THE LONG ROAD NORTH
A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1213640432/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
stebrown
Posted: July 22nd, 2008, 8:16am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
881
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks man.

Yeah, the Mother angle I'm going to look more into when writing the feature.

As far as the comedy stuff goes, it's difficult to explain what I was going for. 'Jam' by Chris Morris is a very original type of comedy. It pushes the boundaries and makes you ask yourself what comedy actually is. I wasn't really going for slapstick. Anyone interested, the series is available on the usual online stores (some on youtube, but not the part this is based on).

Nobody has commented on the Apocolypse Now parody at the end?

Thanks again mate

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006