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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  phobia 39 Moderators: bert
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  Author    phobia 39  (currently 12320 views)
Don
Posted: July 23rd, 2008, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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phobia 39 by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short, Comedy - A man must overcome his fear of teddy bears so he can give his daughter a teddy bear for her birthday. 10 pages - pdf, format  - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  August 19th, 2009, 5:15pm
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mcornetto
Posted: July 23rd, 2008, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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***** SPOILERS *****

Hey Glenn,

Good to see something new from you.  Cute story.  I loved the tea party scene and I thought the initial meeting of the doctor was cool too.  Though somehow I found this a bit more restrained than your usual work.

How I think you can improve this is...

First off, get rid of the phone conversation in the begining.  You could probably remove it entirely but if you feel there is information that needs conveying show us in another way.  Perhaps show us some of his earlier home life.  Perhaps show his daughter ask him for the toy the night before.

I thought the tea party was great but I think that it could be expanded more to include maybe a flashback to show how he got the phobia before he was cured.  Or possibly he could tell the stuffed animals as he tears off their head.

A thought I had while reading the scene with his daughter.  Wouldn't it be interesting if maybe this was exactly how he got his fear and wouldn't it be amusing if his daughter developed it as well.  I don't know if you want to go there but I thought I would throw it in.

Michael  
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27moose
Posted: July 23rd, 2008, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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I decided to give this a read through, because I've also recently finished a script about a grown man with a strange phobia.  I thought falling on his daughter would have caused her to get the same phobia as her father, which would have made his distress for nothing.  I do like how it turned out though, especially the conversation with the plush toys.  
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NiK
Posted: July 24th, 2008, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn

Overall is a good story, but not an interesting one in my idea. You already know that he is gonna overcome his fear for the plush toys, i'd go for something different for the end, like 27moose said, i thought the daughter would have the same phobia after what happened.

The best scene for me was that with the doctor, that was so funny!

And something you might have missed, a person with phobia needs a therapy and if i'm not wrong he needs a psycholog not a doctor.

Cheers
Nik



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

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stebrown
Posted: July 24th, 2008, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn

Good to see something new from you man. Just had a read of it and it was really funny.

The scenes in the mall would look great on screen. Kinda apocolyptic as everyone runs in terror due to Jeffery. I think all that part is really well done.

To be honest I didn't really like the end all that much. I liked how he was kinda stalking his neighbours kids' toys, but I would have just had him go mental. Put it in slow motion as he's walking upto Toby and the bears -- then he just kicks those plushy b*&tards to hell. The dad comes out and they get into a fight just as you've got. Just all slow motion. Nothing's resolved but I don't think you need a clear resolution -- at least it'll end with him fighting back still.

Funny read fella

Ste


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bobtheballa
Posted: July 25th, 2008, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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I read this one as well and liked it, though I agree with the earlier comment that I'd like to see more of the main character's backstory.

Also, I was expecting a quirkier ending. Something like the girl developing the same phobia or the main character being taken away in the end by a mental institution, animal wrangler, etc.

Like I said, overall very enjoyable.
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tonkatough
Posted: July 27th, 2008, 4:21am Report to Moderator
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Thank you everyone for the read of my script.  After reading all your comments I slapped myself in the head and had "OMG! Why didn't I think of that?" moment.

What was supposed to be just a throw away gag with big teddy bear fall on daughter and you all saw it as an oppurtunity to turn the situation into an event that have the daughter end up with same phobia as he father. Cool idea.


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mgj
Posted: August 1st, 2008, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tonka.  You've written another short, I see.   I'm not sure where you come up with your ideas but the premise you came up with this time - a man being afraid of plush toys - is just absurd enough to work and you exploited it well.

'like a crucifix thrust at a vampire' - that's a great line and fit the situation perfectly.  It seems that your writing has gotten alot tighter recently.  I think I'd be hard pressed to find one word or phrase that needs trimming.

Storywise I think this could use just a little more fleshing out.  I was expecting the doctor to delve into Jeffery's past to try and figure out what might have caused this phobia of his.  It might be interesting to see what sort of episode might have triggered his fear, although I see other reviews have already mentioned this.

Just one other nitpick - I wasn't sure if Ashley bought the Flumper for Jeffery or if she just had it wrapped.  Was she volunteering to deliver it to his house?   It was a little unclear.

Good job overall.  Another solid entry to add to your growing library.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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sniper
Posted: August 1st, 2008, 5:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn,

Cool title! Phobia 39, how d'you come up with this stuff?

This was mainly physical comedy, which is very very difficult to get across right in writing whereas dialogue comedy is much easier to read. I suggest you add a few "jokes" (through dialogue) in order for this thing to be really funny. I get what you were going for, slapstick humor, but I think it will help the general tone of the script if you add a little more funny dialogue.

The storry in itself was pretty good and, in my book, original. Don't think I've ever heard of such a phobia. The opening scene could be a little tighter though, I think you gave away to much information through the telephone conversation. Other than that it was good.

The scene with Morrison is probably my fav. How ever unbelievable Morrison's actions are, I still got a kick out of them. By the way, I think Morrison should be a psychologist and not a psychiatrist (there's a difference). Call me nitpicker.

The end was bit of a letdown to me, it didn't really WOW me, so to speak. He pretty much just gets cured without a whole lot of drama. I think you need to tweak it up a bit further. Also, I think you missed a huge opportunity by not showing why this guy is so affraid of plush toys, I mean, that has got to worth a look - a lot of latent comedy in such a scene I think.

All in all, solid piece that needs a little work.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tonkatough
Posted: August 2nd, 2008, 7:23am Report to Moderator
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Thank you mgj amd Sniper for the read.

I'm not sure if I should take it as a sort of compliment that everyone is suggesting a back story for Toby's phobia. Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?

Cause when I was writing this, the "why" and "how"  to the plush phobia  did not even cross my mind.

Come to think about it, how would a child be traumatised by a plush toy? that is a head scratcher.    




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mgj
Posted: August 2nd, 2008, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough

Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?


Yeah, that's pretty much it.  I don't really think it needs an explanation.  It's just that, for whatever reason,  the idea of what might have caused this lingered in my mind as I was reading this.  It's more of a nitpick.  Kind of tying up any loose ends.




"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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mcornetto
Posted: August 2nd, 2008, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?


Because overcoming his phobia is essential to this story, how he got the phobia becomes more important.   There are cases where I wouldn't see this backstory as necessary information but this story seems to warrant it.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 3rd, 2008, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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Cool script.

It's always a pleasure to read your stuff.

I think you already have everything you need in the script, maybe you just need to change the emphasis a bit.

Perhaps his phobia originated when he was left alone with three cuddly toys at a tea party when he was young. That way he can come across the similar tea party and have a serious breakdown. You wouldn't need a flashback, his intense reaction would show the audience that this is where his phobia originated from. You could even have a kind of voice over like memory over the scene ie his voice from childhood.

Then the daughter could see him tearing apart the toys from out of her window and be terrified. When he comes back cured to present the toy to his daughter, we then see that the phobia has been passed along.
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sniper
Posted: August 3rd, 2008, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?

Oh, absolutely. Since the phobia is so, like,  out there, there has got be a really funny reason why he's so afraid of those toys.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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spencerforhire
Posted: August 5th, 2008, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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A good story. Some loose writing. I believe this could be much tighter. It would read faster. For example, turn the walking into walk. And we know we are in a shopping mall because you put us there in the slugline. Just a couple of examples. Story gets an A.


I got nothing.  
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