Thanks Jayden.

I enjoyed your ED script and promise to read more of your other shorts.

hey glen number 2 done! this was great! until the end...
i had to re-read the end because it threw me a bit.  i thought harry was going to turn out to be the skydiver who killed his dad? i dunno, but that's the instant thought i had.
the rest of it was fine. it was interesting to read comedy done by a fellow aussie. we seem to write fairly similiar. and references to the ute was a typical aussie thing!
i didn't realise this had been posted so long ago so anyway, good job and i'll head to number 3.

Tonka,

nice little ironic tale you got.

I believe this is the second script of yours I've read about some sort of phobia...

Anyway, I think it was cute and I liked how Jeffery gets cured even though it seemed sort of like an easy fix.

I didn't really get the Tina to Toby switch. Did I miss something?

I enjoyed your style of writing and I normally don't mention typos, but there were a few. Things like than instead of then and coarse instead of course. No biggie.

I find this to be original. I say this since you have commented on my scripts lately that they are bland, familiar and unoriginal. Maybe I have to agree with you on that. On the other hand, those are also the ones being produced. I probably have near 30 shorts here at SS (under a different name) and I can guarantee you they are not bland or unoriginal.   

Anyways, good job! Nice story, good writing and "original".  

Great script!

Quoted from creepy Great script!

Please add more to your feedback.  Your other two reviews provided a little bit more, and as a general rule of thumb these get deleted.

Great review Creepy.

This is a very curious script. While the premise is funny and you got a lot of good jokes in there, it didn't flow very well. In any story one event should lead up to the next so that things happen in a logical order and the jokes stem from the plot. In your script, however, it seems like the jokes often make the plot, which makes it not make sense.

Things just seem to happen out of nowhere and the set-ups could be better. Having the doctor say "we may be able to cure your phobia by making you become what you most fear" makes the next scene where he shows up in the costume less funny. Have the doctor say something that hints at a cure, then make him showing up in the costume the punch. You did this a few times, taking away from the flow and the humor.

Funny writing, Glenn.

James

Glenn,

I read your short.

Your scene at the mall, I thought was a little over the top.  "The people running for their lives."  I'm pretty sure you could achieve the same effect without it.  

I thought the flashback was good, until the "Skydiver,"  came into the picture.  It's a comedy, I get it... but

Scene at Dr. Morrison's office was pretty funny.

Jeffrey passing his phobia to his daughter... didn't see it coming.  "That's how I read it."  I thought it was interesting though.  

Remember the spacing (-) in your SLUGLINE'S.

EXT. SLUGLINE - DAY

Overall, I liked it.  It was funny.

Ghostwriter 22

I'll take it your name is glenn,,  I really enjoyed this script. Laughed out loud a couple of times. I'm not the hugest fan of comedy either. Very original.

I love the scene where Jeffrey joins the tea party to get over his phobia. Played out hilarious in my head. All-in-all, great short. The only problem I have is when Tina's father comes out he says "Oi, get away from my son". Didn't you mean daughter? Also there is a spot where Tina becomes a TOBY. Something you missed in revision?

Anyways, great work, really enjoyed reading this. I think it would be worth someone shooting it. I thinks ome of the problems other readers had with it would be null if it were seen on film.    James

TT,

I didn't know what a plush toy was so I thought it some type of euphemism until I looked it up.

I've never seen a taxi driver write down an address.
If he's scared of plush toys wouldn't the one on the car bonnet freak him out too? I got a bit lost as to why the taxi driver had the toy, the address and all that.

I like Jeffrey as an eight year old. The teatowel was a nice touch.

Quoted from Phobia 39 Oh the horror.

Liked that line too. Just right.

You get away with the skydiver's line but I think it'd be a bit more realistic if he'd have known he was in the wrong spot and apologized. Maybe blamed it on thermals or ducks or something. I realise the scene is meant to be madcap but still...

You have a habit of slipping into the past tense. For objects and the like most of the time it's understable but for people and emotions it's much better if they are written in the present. Example

Quoted from Phobia 39 He is frightened and agitated.

It'd be much better to me if Jeffrey was twitching then cowers back, or something along those lines.

Morrison was very amusing for me. There's a lot of silly of very imaginitive ideas here that would work well on screen. 'Silly' is a compliment by the way - I grew up on Python.

Tina's line "Wow! You're the biggest teddy bear I've ever seen." was a good one.

Why's Harry think his daughter is a girl? Or is his son named Tina? Me confoosed.  

I got the feeling the daugher now has the phobia but I'm guessing here as it wasn't spelt out. I'd have liked to have seen a little bit more to confirm, perhaps from Jeffrey.

Overall some great ideas. Some of it seemed out of the blue though. I was expecting either Charlie or the taxi driver or the sky-diver to reappear at some point. But, anyways I enjoyed it.

Thanks guys for checking this out.

I fixed up the son/Tina glitch in this script and resubmitted it for uploading so future readers will not get snagged on this one little mistake when reading.

Poor Don, if we writers got it right the first time his work load would be less.  

Nice visual, particularly in the store and the tea party. Very funny in places. I'm with the rest, the girl getting the phobia would be just ironic enough. Keep em coming.

Thanks for the read and kind words Mal. And shock gasp no mention of the Tina/toby screw up because I fixed it and posted a new draft.

Thanks Don for posting it.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading your script. I have to agree with some of the other posters and say that the scene with the doctor is both the best written and the funniest scene of your script. After that, the flashback was really amusing as well as unique. I was a little dumbfounded at first, but the scene definitely grew on me. Also the whole idea of phobia 39 was a well-thought out concept.

However, there were two small issuse I had with the script. The first was the scene where everyone in the mall started to panic because Jeffrey was going nuts. Personally, i thought this scene would be funnier and more realistic if everyone just stared at him like "what the hell is going on?" Secondly, why would Natalie unwrap her daughter's gift in front of her? I understand that she wanted to her husband to get over his fear, it just didnt seem likely that she would ruin her daughter's birthday over it.

At any rate, really entertaining and highly engrossing script. Can't wait to read more.

I didnt read all the comments, so not sure if i'm being redundant.
The first paragraph could be rewritten less awkwardly.
Is this batman of the teddybears?  Become your fear!  Very funny.
why does natalie start flashing the teddy bear around?  Seems very weird to have her take it out, though necessary for the next scene.
How do we see the glaring if he's still i the suit?
I think you need to have the scene with both daughter and dad sharing the same phobia as the end, since thats pretty much resolving the story.  A grown man fearing teddy bears isn't an issue for him, except as it effects his daughter.
Why not have the tea party scene before he goes inside, not curing him, then he stumbles in, scares his daughter, end on the funny note.  

In any case, very funny idea, well written.  maybe a few more jokes would be welcome. Seems like its been getting better for awhile, keep it up.