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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Toy Soldier Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 11th, 2008, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Toy Soldier by BryMo - Short - The world is one interlocked machine, throbbing and pulsing with the same beat. 7 pages - pdf, format


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BryMo
Posted: August 11th, 2008, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Really didn't expect it to be up so soon. I appreciate it Don.

Also note that i wrote this with an animation look in mind. Sort of like those vintage Disney cartoons i watched when i was a young lad.

Hope this is a good read for some! It's definetely something different for me!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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bobtheballa
Posted: August 12th, 2008, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Saw you read my OWC script and that this one didn't have any comments yet so thought I'd read it through. On to the script...

Interesting. I wasn't sure where you were going at first with all action and no dialogue. Then the scenes with the drums hit and I really liked it. This would work well as an animation, as you said, because it has that fun, mischievous tone. However, I like that it goes a little deeper and sort of hints at a profound view of music and references how it breathes life into us all (and a bunch of toys). Of course, maybe I'm reading too much into it...

The only problem I really had with it was in the very beginning when you describe Timber coming to life. You start out saying that there is only one doll on the trunk, then that it's one of many in rows, 2x2, then that the tick-tock of the clock causes the soldier (singular) to come to life, and then that he surveys the other soldiers. I wasn't quite sure whether there were other soldiers with Timber, because if there were then shouldn't they all come to life at once? I think that section could use a little clarity.

Overall, an enjoyable read. Best of luck with it!
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mcornetto
Posted: August 14th, 2008, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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Another attic script, oh my

I think this starts out a bit on the slow side.  The second and third paragraphs are a bit confusing is there one or many?   Then his exploration, the whole thing with the grandfather clock,  I found him climbing it to be a bit much.  Then this 'Descending mid air, he has no manage over his movements' hunh? Once he found the beat things began to get a bit more interesting.  I liked the stuff with the doll house  and I liked how the tempo picked up and everyone started to party.  I could see that part as a film.  And then you cliched - everyone stopping when the little boy enters.  I've seen that so many times.  Why couldn't they just keep going have the little boy join in?  You lost me on the ending after that.   All in all it was a fun read and with a few tweaks it could be something grand.

Cheers,

Michael
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BryMo
Posted: August 15th, 2008, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey bob and mcornetto,

I see the issue with the beginning with not knowing whether the soldier is alone or not. I'll fix that.

Bob you said,
"However, I like that it goes a little deeper and sort of hints at a profound view of music and references how it breathes life into us all (and a bunch of toys). Of course, maybe I'm reading too much into it..."

It's okay to read too much into thigns, because that was exactly what i was trying to do with it! I'm glad it came off that way! Thanks for your advice guys, i have some new ideas for a rewrite.

-Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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garygvalentine
Posted: August 15th, 2008, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Good for a short.  I could see Pixar doing something like this.  Some minor formatting issues (I don't think .. exists and ... should be . . .).  The toys all dropping when the kid comes in is very Toy Story cliche, maybe they shouldn't drop--except when the mom comes in.
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BryMo
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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Gary, i know what you mean when you saythe toys freezing is cliche. But, i'm not sure i want to change that. When i wrote it it felt like it belonged there.

Maybe if something comes to mind i'll be able to change it. Just need some suggestions. Thanks for the read!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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stebrown
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brian

This is good, although I agree with Michael that the amount of toys at the start is pretty confusing.

I could definately see this as an animation.

Good job, did you just run out of time or could you not trim it down enough?


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stebrown
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Just reading through the other critiques and for the part with the kid coming in, why not have him sneak in. That way they carry on without realising he's there.

Don't know where you could take it from there lol but just throwing it out there.


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BryMo
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stephen,

I couldn't submit this becuase i had been focusing on writing a feature and totaly forgot about the moviepoet assignment. Then, on the last day, i'd come up with an idea, but just didn't have enough time to finish what i had originally thought up. I think this is better though, becuase i dont know how i would've trimmed this further.

Thanks for the read, and the suggestions. It's hard thinking which road to take on this lol. Especially when i wouldn't know the first place to send this to if i wanted to get it made.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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colkurtz8
Posted: January 29th, 2009, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Brian

This was one of the first scripts I read when I joined this site. I didn't comment at the time but remembered really liking it so I gave it another look.

Yep I still like it, even better then I did before. I thought at the time & still do now that this would be a great short to film. There are some lovely poetic images throughout, which if in the right hands could be put up on screen to great effect.

I love the journey Timber takes on, this insurmountable summit in his eyes. I have never felt so much for a toy soldier! You really succeed in getting the reader behind Timber, we want him to achieve his goal (well, I did anyway).

The major problem of course is the filming. It would have to be animation, or have you considered puppetry. Which would be very interesting to see...again if in the right hands.

Fantastic ending too, it builds to a rousing climax. You describe the closing shots beautifully -- the two coming together under the "bright blue light of the skylight". The cresendo of the toys springing to life against the backdrop of Timber's rhythm & the clocks tick tock baseline is expertly done & as I said, would make for great feel good viewing.

Yeah, a really great job here, man. Deserving of a lot more reads & comments then it has, maybe getting it to the top of the discussion board might generate some interest again as its criminally under read.

Great piece, two thumbs up.

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
colkurtz8  -  February 2nd, 2009, 9:27am
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BryMo
Posted: January 31st, 2009, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Col,

Glad you decided to take another look. My work never really generates a lot of reviews but the ones i've recieved really cover each issue and help me a bunch. Also, your kind words in your post helps out a lot too. A lot of times pass when i think i haven't got what it takes. Your post helps.

As for filming, who knows what'll happen there. I think i'd need to look for a specific contest in animation or something that'll help get it filmed. Honestly, i haven't done much to try and get this one made. I don't even know where to start.

But Thanks for bringing it back to the discussion board! Maybe more people might take a look!

Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Lightfoot
Posted: February 1st, 2009, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey BryMo

First of all I'm not really sure what I can add on here. The problems seemed to have been spotted already.

I liked this read and the idea of this script. every since I seen Toy Story as a kid I loved stories where toys came to life.

"My work never really generates a lot of reviews but the ones i've recieved really cover each issue and help me a bunch. Also, your kind words in your post helps out a lot too. A lot of times pass when i think i haven't got what it takes. Your post helps."

This happens to me too, I feel like it's too far out of my grasp some days. But it's good comments that seem to revive my confidence.

Anyways great script here, sorry I can't add more onto this.
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colkurtz8
Posted: February 2nd, 2009, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Brymo

"My work never really generates a lot of reviews" -- Your writing definitely isn't the problem as the quality is there for all to see (it is with "Toy Soldier" anyway)

Maybe its because you haven't read other peoples work enough. Or more importantly reviewed the wrong people i.e the ones who won't return the favour to you.




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