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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Last One In is a A Rotten Egg Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 30th, 2008, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Last One In Is A Rotten Egg by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Drama -  Max & Jill are trying to have a baby.  Max is having nightmares while Jill is sure the fault doesn't sit with her.  Where does the problem lie? 6 pages - pdf, format


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NiK
Posted: October 1st, 2008, 3:00am Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting read.

I liked the ending. A good story. I can't say much about the format because it was how it should be.

Good job Javier.

Cheers
Nik





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stebrown
Posted: October 1st, 2008, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier. I like the visuals you have here, pretty imaginative.

You should really watch the way you are writing your action lines though. There's a lot of 'is sitting' 'is standing' in this script. It reads a lot faster if you keep all the action active and avoid those words. 'sits' 'stands' reads alot quicker.

This part, I didn't get;

MAX LEXITON (29) is married to JILL (27) who live in a
quite suburb in a three bedroom house with a BMW parked
in the drive.

I don't see this as something that should be in a screenplay. You aren't saying what is on screen but telling the reader background on the characters. I'd change it.

I liked the two scenes where Max is imagining; the firing squad and the sperms. The rest was a little too mundane though.


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jayrex
Posted: October 1st, 2008, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Nik & Ste,

Thanks for the comments.

As for the is sitting/standing.  I'll watch out for this and try to refrain whenever possible.

The intro part was to show that Max lived in an affluent area.  But if people say that I'm wasting my time.  I'll have to come up with a better way to introduce my characters.

Let's hope you don't discover the mundane script in Moviepoet this month. lol.

Kind regards,


Javier



Revision History (1 edits)
jayrex  -  October 1st, 2008, 4:36pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 1st, 2008, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Javier,


I agree with Ste here, you have great visuals in this script. Ste's already pointed out format issues, and I'm not sure it's okay or not, but usually slugs are written as "EXT. COURTYARD - DAY" rather than "EXT COURTYARD"

The ending seemed too abrupt. Does the letter say that Max has cancer? If so, would Jill be more sympathetic saying "We''re adopting?" I dunno, the ending just seemed to abrupt.

Sean





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jayrex
Posted: October 2nd, 2008, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean,

My bad, I should have wrote the slug as you said.  I have done this correctly in the past, not sure why this eclipsed me this time.

I did a little research into this,

Max has one testicle, and as a result he has a low sperm count.  Now, one testicle isn't suppose to disrupt a man's sex life.  But it can happen.  One of the many reasons why low sperm count can come about is through stress.  Max stresses out, and doesn't want the blame to fall on him.

It does appear to end abruptly, but I didn't want to go into this too much.  As I feel the story would shift from Max to Jill.  And I wanted to focus on Max only.

So the letter was to say he had a low sperm count.  I suppose Jill could have suggested artificial insemination.  But then I felt the story would drag.

Thanks for the read.

Regards


Javier


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alffy
Posted: October 5th, 2008, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jayrex.

'Last one in is a rotten egg', god I haven't heard that saying for ages.

I thought this was very good. I wasn't sure about it at first but then it came together. I thought the firing squad scene was funny, firing blanks I guess is what was going through his mind. Paranoia obviously racing through his head, is it me, do have an illness, this made for a good story. As for the end being to abrupt as others have mentioned, I didn't think so. I liked the ending although it ran a bit close to my short I submitted a few weeks back, The race, I think you read it, with the swimmers and all lol.

Anyway I liked this short, good stuff.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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jayrex
Posted: October 5th, 2008, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Hi Alffy,

I can only apologise for this script being similar to yours.  I have always wanted to do my own version of Woody Allen's film.  I was actually thinking of waiting till christmas to submit it, for this very reason.

I'm happy you enjoyed it in the end.

The firing squad was the idea of firing blanks.  And the line Last One In...  Use to be a line I said alot as a child.  I think you're the only one who totally got my script.

And if anyone reads this post, READ Alffy's The Race.

Regards


Javier



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jayrex  -  October 5th, 2008, 11:31am
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alffy
Posted: October 5th, 2008, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jayrex
The firing squad was the idea of firing blanks.  And the line Last One In...  Use to be a line I said alot as a child.  I think you're the only one who totally got my script.


Maybe it's an English thing? We use to say 'last one in's a rotten egg' alot too as kids. I still can't find the right script to include the old choosing routine of 'ip dip dog s***, you are not it'. Dunno if you used to use that too lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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jayrex
Posted: October 5th, 2008, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy


I still can't find the right script to include the old choosing routine of 'ip dip dog s***, you are not it'. Dunno if you used to use that too lol.


Another classic.  Goodluck on that line, lol.


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BryMo
Posted: March 3rd, 2009, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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As soon as the document opened, i read

MAX LEXITON (29) is married to JILL (27) who live in a
quite suburb in a three bedroom house with a BMW parked
in the drive.

That doesn't read like something in a screenplay. It reads more like a childrens novel. Bryan "is sitting"...i'd write it as Bryan sits. At the top of my head i'd change your introduction to sound more like:

"MAX LEXITON (29) and his wife JILL (27) reside a two story home. It�s one joined by many residencies in a hushed suburban community.

A BMW sits in the driveway."

The above is just one solution.

Anyway, I thought that first line would signal a badly written script, but i kept reading and saw that you definetely
know how to write in proper format, just that section individually isn't worded right.

Anyway i liked the story, despite what some people think the ending i thought was good.

Good job.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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jayrex
Posted: March 3rd, 2009, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey BryMo,

Thanks for giving this one a read.

I agree that the intro and probably the script needs a good old rewrite.  

As for rewriting it, I don't write like that anymore so can easily change it to 'Brian sits'.  I got pointers a few times from others on here and MP and now I drop 'is' words completely.  I think you would agree after reading my 'Reborn' script.

This is one of my old quirky scripts.

Happy you enjoyed the ending.

I'm currently doing my rounds and will get around to reading your script.

All the best,


Javier


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albinopenguin
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Javier,

As previously mentioned, your visuals are really good. And in this script they have to be or else the entire screenplay would be ruined. In other words, if you weren't such a good writer, then the scene changes would have been confusing thus alienating and frustrating the reader.

Overall, I liked the story. The whole firing squad ordeal was very entertaining. And the "last one in is a rotten egg" kinda reminded me of gary larson's comic, the far side.

I'm a little torn over the ending however. On the one hand, it was appropriate and fitting. But on the other, I just felt bad for Max. I felt like Jill was very cold and a little bit of a b****. Then again she's a trophy wife, so what do you expect? haha

anyways i look forward to reading more of your work.


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jayrex
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Will,

Thanks for the read.


Quoted from albinopenguin
As previously mentioned, your visuals are really good. And in this script they have to be or else the entire screenplay would be ruined. In other words, if you weren't such a good writer, then the scene changes would have been confusing thus alienating and frustrating the reader.

Overall, I liked the story. The whole firing squad ordeal was very entertaining. And the "last one in is a rotten egg" kinda reminded me of gary larson's comic, the far side.


I'm happy that you enjoyed the visuals I've created and that it was very entertaining.


Quoted from albinopenguin
I'm a little torn over the ending however. On the one hand, it was appropriate and fitting. But on the other, I just felt bad for Max. I felt like Jill was very cold and a little bit of a b****. Then again she's a trophy wife, so what do you expect? haha


It's good that you were feeling for Max and torn over the ending.

I should probably give this a rewrite as I wrote this a long time ago and probably can be better but I've always kept myself busy.

Cheers for the read,


Javier



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Niles_Crane
Posted: August 28th, 2009, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Couldn't really get into this, I'm afraid. The idea is OK, but I felt the execution (excuse the pun) was lacking.

Some of this has been mentioned above, but points I think you need to consider are:

The opening. You need to state EXT. HOUSE - DAY. This intro business is out of place - you need to describe the characters when they appear, not here like a cast list.

I may be wrong here (probably am), but as I understand the term "Trophy Wife" - it usually applies to an older man (say 40s) and a very young wife. As Max is only 29, I am not sure this would be the right term to use. Also, she seems very bossy, and again this seems out of place with the term.

I found some of the dialogue a bit clunky. "Last night at short notice" - why not just "last night" - "make up your own conclusions" - why not "come to your own conclusions". It just didn't read as natural dialogue to me.

While I understand Max's reticence to open the letter - but it again didn't feel natural that he would hold it up to the light and act like that. Why not just open it, or try to ignore the fact it had come?

When you did the execution scene - which I liked - you needed to indicate that it was a daydream. You could simply put EXT. COURTYARD - DAY (DAYDREAM) or (FANTASY).

Same when you do the flashback. There are other ways of doing it (including the way you do it here), as long as they are clear, and in the case of the fantasy sequences, they aren't really.

(BEAT) is unusual in this context. It indicates a pause before continuing. But a pause on what? Better would probably have been FREEZE FRAME or maybe SLOW FADE INTO:.

I was a bit purturbed at the lack of DAY/NIGHT indicators. This is a very basic format issue, and I haven't seen many scripts without them unless for a good reason (such as being indoors where there are no windows!). In this case, you could have EXT. HOUSE - MORNING and then INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS or something along those lines.

You mention Woody Allen in your posts above - so I realise now that the scene reflecting his "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex" sperm gag was deliberate. Personally, I'd avoid this. Homages are all well and good (Brian DePalma has built his career on them, after all!), but can look like you don't have ideas of your own!

You mention that Max has only one testicle in a post above - I may have missed this, but is this in the script? If not, that is where it has to be. And if he has this problem, then surely neither he nor his wife would be that surprised that they can't conceive?

The ending was abrupt, and didn't make a lot of sense for me. There is mention of cancer in the fantasy sperm sequence, and yet this doesn't seem to have any bearing on what comes next. I had thought it was going to be a black comic twist where he'd be told he has testicular cancer, and her reaction is purely selfish, but this isn't what I got from the ending as written.

I am sorry that, after you took the time and trouble to read my script, and comment on it, that I could not be more positive regarding yours.
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