Thanks Niles for giving this old script a read.

But dude, have you not checked out my newer stuff?  This script is so lacking the essentials that anyone can tell I've improved on this old thing.

Quoted from Niles_Crane The opening. You need to state EXT. HOUSE - DAY. This intro business is out of place - you need to describe the characters when they appear, not here like a cast list.

I don't write like this anymore and jeeezzz it's like a year old.

Quoted from Niles_Crane I may be wrong here (probably am), but as I understand the term "Trophy Wife" - it usually applies to an older man (say 40s) and a very young wife. As Max is only 29, I am not sure this would be the right term to use. Also, she seems very bossy, and again this seems out of place with the term.

I know what you're saying about personality but I was going more on looks more than anything.  Given the opportune moment at a diner party she'd be perfect.

Quoted from Niles_Crane I found some of the dialogue a bit clunky. "Last night at short notice" - why not just "last night" - "make up your own conclusions" - why not "come to your own conclusions". It just didn't read as natural dialogue to me.

It's not for everyone.

Quoted from Niles_Crane While I understand Max's reticence to open the letter - but it again didn't feel natural that he would hold it up to the light and act like that. Why not just open it, or try to ignore the fact it had come?

Quoted from Niles_Crane ...blah blah blah format...

I'm changed man since then.

Quoted from Niles_Crane You mention Woody Allen in your posts above - so I realise now that the scene reflecting his "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex" sperm gag was deliberate. Personally, I'd avoid this. Homages are all well and good (Brian DePalma has built his career on them, after all!), but can look like you don't have ideas of your own!

Again, my wide and varied range of scripts won't pigeon-hole me.

Quoted from Niles_Crane You mention that Max has only one testicle in a post above - I may have missed this, but is this in the script? If not, that is where it has to be. And if he has this problem, then surely neither he nor his wife would be that surprised that they can't conceive?

I said above:

Quoted from jayrex Max has one testicle, and as a result he has a low sperm count.  Now, one testicle isn't suppose to disrupt a man's sex life.  But it can happen.  One of the many reasons why low sperm count can come about is through stress.  Max stresses out, and doesn't want the blame to fall on him.

I disagree with you.  Do you need everything spoon fed to you?  After some research looking at symptoms and other medical jargon I came up with this.  I wrote "small crowd" regarding the sperm to highlight that he ain't brim to capacity with swimmers.

Quoted from Niles_Crane The ending was abrupt, and didn't make a lot of sense for me. There is mention of cancer in the fantasy sperm sequence, and yet this doesn't seem to have any bearing on what comes next. I had thought it was going to be a black comic twist where he'd be told he has testicular cancer, and her reaction is purely selfish, but this isn't what I got from the ending as written.

It's a quirky comedy with drama.  Not to be taken seriously.

Cheers for the read,


Javier