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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Good Cop, Bad Cop Moderators: bert
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  Author    Good Cop, Bad Cop  (currently 2119 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: October 7th, 2008, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Good Cop, Bad Cop by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Nobody wants Rick around and a dilemma ensues.  But how is the situation resolved?  7 pages - pdf, format


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Tommyp
Posted: October 8th, 2008, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Okay I'm annoyed. Annoyed that I didn't think of this idea before! Argh!

It is VERY funny Javier.

Love the idea. love what you've done with it. I cracked up with the last line.

Witty and smart. Well done.

BTW, you said 'fourth' instead of 'forth' on page 5.


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jayrex
Posted: October 8th, 2008, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tommy,

I'm happy you enjoyed it.

This idea is the reason why I started to write scripts.  I was chatting with my writer friend who said hold that thought.  He went off to get a pen and paper and as I joked about the scenario of God & The Devil in a room or something like that, he jotted down my idea.  I realised I had to keep my ideas to myself.

This script is a wee bit like I remembered.  I'm not 100% if it's what I had originally thought.  But I'm happy with the results.

I'm not sure if I've read any of your scripts yet, but I'll keep a look out for them.  Or if you point them out.

All the best.


Javier

P.S. THE REWRITE'S ON THE 27 POST



Revision History (1 edits)
jayrex  -  January 15th, 2009, 3:05pm
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bert
Posted: October 8th, 2008, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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This is a clever scenario, with an interesting reversal of the roles we might usually expect from these characters -- but as an early script, this also suffers from a common (but correctable) set of problems.

You have written this script for a reader -- not an audience of viewers -- and you need to begin thinking about how your imagination plays out on the screen, not the written page.  You have left out significant details that need to be filled in before this could ever be filmed.

A primary example of this problem occurs right up front, when you introduce Purgatory, God, and the Devil.

How is the viewer supposed to know this is purgatory?  Is there a sign or something?  We need visual cues.  You need to help your director and your cinematographer with a little descriptive work.  What does Purgatory look like, anyway?

Same thing with God and the Devil.  Just because you name them in the script does not mean we will know who they are.

In fact, most viewers will probably assume the roles are reversed -- seeing your tough-talking, rib-punching God as the Devil -- and missing the joke entirely.  You need to tell us what these characters look like in a way that makes it clear to a viewer who they are.

Then you have Jesus just appear, in response to a question, without ever introducing him into the scene.  Same thing with Adolf.  Is this supposed to be Hitler?  Who knows?  These are additional problems with the narrative -- but again, problems that are easily remedied.

This is a funny idea, and again, the reversal of the traditional roles for God and the Devil is a strength here that helps this feel unique.  The final payoff closes the piece well.

With some clever set design and costume work, this could play out very well, and you would help this script fly if you introduced some of those details into this story.


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jayrex
Posted: October 8th, 2008, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Bert,


Quoted from bert
you need to begin thinking about how your imagination plays out on the screen, not the written page.  You have left out significant details that need to be filled in before this could ever be filmed.

A primary example of this problem occurs right up front, when you introduce Purgatory, God, and the Devil.


First of all.  Great comments.  And thank you for reading my script.

You're right.  I did write this mainly for the reader rather than for the director.  If I'm going to get good feedback.  Then this script is worth editing for the benefit of the director.  

The problem with Purgatory is that it was invented by a Pope centuries ago as a place for unbaptised babies to go too.  This has been abolished with the last ten years I believe.  Anyway, I think the location would have to be moved to an empty warehouse or as the title suggests, a police station interrogation room.

God and The Devil.  Isn't this the job of the make-up artist?  Horns on the Devil etc...


Quoted from bert
What does Purgatory look like, anyway?


Not sure.  It's pretty vague from what I've learnt.


Quoted from bert
Then you have Jesus just appear, in response to a question, without ever introducing him into the scene.  Same thing with Adolf.  Is this supposed to be Hitler?  Who knows?  These are additional problems with the narrative -- but again, problems that are easily remedied.


I'll have to introduce Jesus & Adolf Hitler.  But the idea was that Jesus would all of a sudden appear from no-where.  So the audience would have no introduction.  So I'd rewrite the script for the benefit of the director.


Quoted from bert
With some clever set design and costume work, this could play out very well, and you would help this script fly if you introduced some of those details into this story.


I sense a rewrite around the corner.

Kind regards,


Javier


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Tommyp
Posted: October 8th, 2008, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Great help there Bert. For me as well as Javier!

Javier, you read The New Boy by me. I'm the "horny teenager" remember? haha.

I like reading your stuff. It's usually funny when it's supposed to be, and I learn stuff from you.

More scripts will come from me soon! Keep your eye/computer mouse out for them.


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Dreamlogic
Posted: October 9th, 2008, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

I really liked this script, It was very entertaining. The introduction of Jesus was hilarious! I also thought the end was a great punch line.

My only problem is that you didn't write any descriptions. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be picturing the devil and god as standard looking cops or as the classic demon/angel image. Everything was basically left up to the reader to decide.

On the other hand this could work in your favour. If this is ever created into a short film, (It would be a very easy shoot) The director has a lot of freedom on how to present it. If you had described purgatory as a big open wasteland and the devil as a giant winged beast then I'm sure it would deter a lot of low budget filmmakers.
You've written a script which gives any potential producers the chance to visualise it according to their budget and skills.

Overall I really enjoed it.

Good work.


THE LONG ROAD NORTH
A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1213640432/
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stebrown
Posted: October 9th, 2008, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier, this was pretty good.

I thought the idea was really good and the humour hit the right notes. Have to agree with Bert about the introductions of Jesus and Adolf though. You can still have them just appear, but describe them walking in the door or something. It just seems a bit weird as it is.

Funny read though.


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alffy
Posted: October 9th, 2008, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier

You've got plenty of good pointers from previous posts so I won't bore you with the same. I thought the concept was great and with the changes will be an even better script. I love the role reversals of God and the Devil. Also the dialogue was very good too.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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jayrex
Posted: October 9th, 2008, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamlogic
Hey Javier,

I really liked this script, It was very entertaining. The introduction of Jesus was hilarious! I also thought the end was a great punch line.


That's very nice compliment.


Quoted from Dreamlogic
My only problem is that you didn't write any descriptions.

On the other hand this could work in your favour.

You've written a script which gives any potential producers the chance to visualise it according to their budget and skills.


This sounds optimistic to me.  Hope this could work in my favour.  I hope so.  But just in case, I'll do a rewrite.


Quoted from Dreamlogic
Overall I really enjoed it.

Good work.


Thanks Dreamlogic.


Quoted from SteBrown
I thought the idea was really good and the humour hit the right notes.

Have to agree with Bert about the introductions of Jesus and Adolf though. You can still have them just appear, but describe them walking in the door or something.

Funny read though.


Hey Ste,

Thanks for the read, happy you enjoyed it.

I will take in Bert's tip.  We're all in the same boat here.  I wrote this very quickly, had a mate that viewed it to spot mistakes etc...  And as always there is always going to be an overhaul of some description.  And in this case, descriptions.


Quoted from alffy
I thought the concept was great and with the changes will be an even better script. I love the role reversals of God and the Devil. Also the dialogue was very good too.


Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the read.  Happy you enjoyed my script.  This concept was trapped in my memory for three years, and last month I finally released it.

King regards


Javier


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mcornetto
Posted: October 9th, 2008, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

I thought this was a clever concept and I got a couple of chuckles out of it.  The ending seemed a bit more like the punchline of a long joke.  I wasn't sure exactly how you saw this done - live action? Sometimes it seemed a little South Park - so maybe animation?

There are tons of ways this could have been done and the path you chose is as valid as the rest of them, so I really don't have any comments on how you can improve the story.  

Strangely enough, the one thing that bothered me the most was your description of the table in the beginning.  Did you really need to be that detailed?  I didn't see anything about the fact that the table had four legs later in the story.

The whole thing reminded me of this joke I heard.

The pope died and went to heaven.  When he got there God gave him a humble small one bedroom apartment on the first floor of a luxury high rise.  The pope was aghast at the accommodations.  

"I was the pope," he says, "Why can't I have a better room? Why can't I live in the penthouse".  

"Because the penthouse is occupied by a lawyer." says God.  

"A lawyer", yells the pope, "Surely I have led a holier life than him?"      

"There is a crowd of pope's in heaven" states God, "But there is only one lawyer."
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bobtheballa
Posted: October 10th, 2008, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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Very clever concept and the script was an entertaining read. Most of the things I noticed while reading have already been mentioned (lack of character introductions, though I enjoyed Jesus' on-cue appearance, ambiguity of how to picture God and the Devil).

Also, I'm not sure how you pictured Adolf in this one, but I pictured a flamboyant assistant-to-the-devil sitting at a desk in the corner or something. Delving into his relationship with Satan a bit more could add some more humor. Overall a very enjoyable read.
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NiK
Posted: October 10th, 2008, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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Haha. This is one your best scripts (i'm not including Family Guy scripts).

Now that i think, it looked a little like that south park film with Sadam and the Devil. I'm not sure it would work in live-action, but who knows.

All the best of luck with it.

Cheers





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jayrex
Posted: October 11th, 2008, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


I wasn't sure exactly how you saw this done - live action? Sometimes it seemed a little South Park - so maybe animation?


I hadn't pictured it as animation or like South Park.  But now I'm thinking about it, maybe if it was filmed like Sin City, then it might work.


Quoted from mcornetto
Strangely enough, the one thing that bothered me the most was your description of the table in the beginning.  Did you really need to be that detailed?


I'm not sure, maybe as there is a lack of furniture and features that I thought best to describe the one object that the short would be filmed around.


Quoted from mcornetto
The whole thing reminded me of this joke I heard.


Maybe I subconsciously heard this joke or something similar and what I thought up was a variant of it years latter.  Who knows?

Thanks for the read and happy you enjoyed it.

Kind regards


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: October 11th, 2008, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bobtheballa
Very clever concept and the script was an entertaining read. Most of the things I noticed while reading have already been mentioned (lack of character introductions, though I enjoyed Jesus' on-cue appearance, ambiguity of how to picture God and the Devil).


The Jesus cue is abit of a surprise introduction, but as Bert mentioned.  I'll have to write an introduction for the director which I agree on.


Quoted from bobtheballa
Also, I'm not sure how you pictured Adolf in this one, but I pictured a flamboyant assistant-to-the-devil sitting at a desk in the corner or something. Delving into his relationship with Satan a bit more could add some more humor. Overall a very enjoyable read.


I think anybody flamboyant would be a distraction away from the main story.  Nice idea though.

Happy you enjoyed it.

King regards


Javier


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