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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Good Cop, Bad Cop Moderators: bert
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  Author    Good Cop, Bad Cop  (currently 2189 views)
jayrex
Posted: October 11th, 2008, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NiK
Haha. This is one your best scripts (i'm not including Family Guy scripts).


Thanks Nik.  Still need to rewrite three of my Family Guy scripts to post to L.A.  So busy lately.  Working in a bank is a nightmare at the moment as you can imagine.


Quoted from NiK
Now that i think, it looked a little like that south park film with Sadam and the Devil. I'm not sure it would work in live-action, but who knows.


As I just thought up, maybe a comic book film look.  Sin City is a great template to use.  What do you think?

Happy you like this script.

Kind regards,


Javier



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sniper
Posted: October 13th, 2008, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

Nice premise but like Bert said, the packaging is not as nice. There are tons of ways to improve the script especially in the visuals department, you know, to make the story flow much better in the reader's imagination.

There was some truely funny moments there (Jesus Christ!) but the end didn't work for me that well. As a punchline it needs to be seriuosly OOOMPPH'ed.

Cheers
Rob


Want your script read? PM me your logline. On the off chance it doesn't suck, I'll read your script.
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jayrex
Posted: October 13th, 2008, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rob,

Thanks for the read,


Quoted from sniper
Nice premise but like Bert said, the packaging is not as nice. There are tons of ways to improve the script especially in the visuals department, you know, to make the story flow much better in the reader's imagination.


The rewrite is on it's way.  I have a competition to enter.  I'll try fix and add more descriptions.  In a few weeks time.  My pile of rewrites is climbing and climbing. lol.


Quoted from sniper
There was some truely funny moments there (Jesus Christ!) but the end didn't work for me that well. As a punchline it needs to be seriuosly OOOMPPH'ed.


I liked the ending, but if you're thinking for a shocking punchline.  I might add a line to refer to numerous other women that would like to have a word with Rick.  Maybe extend it for another scene or two.

Kind regards,


Javier


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slabstaa
Posted: October 13th, 2008, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well I read it and can't really add anything.  

Bert pretty much said a lot of what I was thinking.

However, costume wise-- I think the Devil should wear something like Ralph Lauren/Duke of Windsor and custom made Borelli shirts.  Maybe God could sport some Alan Stuart clothing or a suit with some loud Versace tie.

I don't know, just thinking up some creative stuff to set them apart.
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jayrex
Posted: October 13th, 2008, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Happy that you read it Slabstaa,

Now I need ScriptGirl to read it.  Could write her a very special part to play.  And then she could dress up as Santa's little helper.

All the best Slabstaa

Javier


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tonkatough
Posted: October 14th, 2008, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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God with a bad cop attitude. Oh man, that's gold. I haven't seen anything that funny and genius since Satan and Sadam are gay lovers in hell.

Didn't fully understand the point of the short or the story but I guess it has something to do with how sinners can sin and sin and sin some more and at the end of the day if they get in quick before they die and repent and confess their love to Lord  Jesus Christ they get to behold the glory of Heaven.

I always found that Christian ideal kind of dodgey, suspicious and worthy of scrutiny as I think you have done with your script.

Once again just like with your Abortion script you have attacked a touchy subject with those big soft green rubber Hulk hands that children play with.

But yeah I still stand by God's bad cop routine is still gold and worth the read alone.        


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jayrex
Posted: October 14th, 2008, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi tonkatough,

Thanks for the read,


Quoted from tonkatough
God with a bad cop attitude. Oh man, that's gold. I haven't seen anything that funny and genius since Satan and Sadam are gay lovers in hell.


We've all seen different reincarnations of God over the years.  I've never seen a bad A** attitude of God.  I think I managed it.


Quoted from tonkatough
Didn't fully understand the point of the short or the story but I guess it has something to do with how sinners can sin and sin and sin some more and at the end of the day if they get in quick before they die and repent and confess their love to Lord  Jesus Christ they get to behold the glory of Heaven.

I always found that Christian ideal kind of dodgey, suspicious and worthy of scrutiny as I think you have done with your script.


Hole in one.  I always thought how weird it was giving someone who has been bad all their life, a backdoor routé to heaven.  It doesn't make since, and it's not fair to the honest hard working individuals.


Quoted from tonkatough
Once again just like with your Abortion script you have attacked a touchy subject with those big soft green rubber Hulk hands that children play with.


What's next on the agenda for me I wonder?


Quoted from tonkatough
But yeah I still stand by God's bad cop routine is still gold and worth the read alone.


I think I should add a warning for the parents out there.

Happy you liked the script,

Kind regards,


Javier


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 14th, 2008, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

Thanks for reading my script! I think I've read some of your stuff at MP. Was this a MP entry?

Anyway, I really enjoyed "reading" it, but like Bert said you need to think of this more cinematically. Try to add/change some of the things in this script to be more visually interesting.

The concept/idea is good, it just has to be more than a lot of dialogue. Describe Purgatory, God and the devil. This is really good and I'm sure you can fix this one up to be great on film as well.

Good job and good luck with it.  


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jayrex
Posted: October 15th, 2008, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,

Thanks for reading my script.


Quoted from Angry Bear
Was this a MP entry?


I've only recently joined MP.  And if you've read all of this months reverse scripts, then you've read mine.


Quoted from Angry Bear
Anyway, I really enjoyed "reading" it, but like Bert said you need to think of this more cinematically. Try to add/change some of the things in this script to be more visually interesting.


After the OWC, I'll rewriting this one.


Quoted from Angry Bear
The concept/idea is good, it just has to be more than a lot of dialogue. Describe Purgatory, God and the devil. This is really good and I'm sure you can fix this one up to be great on film as well.

Good job and good luck with it.  


I think dialogue is the most important aspect of any script followed by the descriptions.  I'll be looking to add/improve descriptions.

Thanks for the read and comments.

King regards


Jaiver


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 16th, 2008, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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"I think dialogue is the most important aspect of any script followed by the descriptions.  I'll be looking to add/improve descriptions."

Film is a visual medium. One of the best scripts on this site uses no dialogue at all....


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walford
Posted: October 29th, 2008, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Jayrex
Should fourth be forth. (p5)
The lawyer theme was a bit too distracting, maybe one line about lawyers, so that the story focuses on the main characters, or have Ricks lawyer in the room with him and let the lawyer come out on top by playing all parties against each other for more money. Same as they do when they are alive.
Assuming God et al has powers etc the why don’t they flip Rick upside down spin him around, hold up him up on the ceiling etc. I would expect something like this, as the characters are not your average cops and its not a typical situation.
I liked the idea and it had some funny moments. It took me a little while to get into the story as the strong unexpected dialogue threw me in the absence of a detailed description. eg if God had a tattoo and the Devil was smoking a joint then the dialogue would have bounced of that description a bit quicker. Overall great idea and I enjoyed the read. walford
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jayrex
Posted: November 1st, 2008, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Walford


Quoted from walford
Jayrex
Should fourth be forth. (p5)


Noted, will fix it.


Quoted from walford
The lawyer theme was a bit too distracting, maybe one line about lawyers, so that the story focuses on the main characters, or have Ricks lawyer in the room with him and let the lawyer come out on top by playing all parties against each other for more money. Same as they do when they are alive.


I toyed with this idea but felt that it was too distracting.  I could have gone down many routés and I chose not to deter away from the main interrogation.


Quoted from walford
Assuming God et al has powers etc the why don’t they flip Rick upside down spin him around, hold up him up on the ceiling etc. I would expect something like this, as the characters are not your average cops and its not a typical situation.


I think this would be a little over the top.  If we're going to show powers etc...  Then anything can happen.  You could end this story in the first page.



Quoted from walford
I liked the idea and it had some funny moments. It took me a little while to get into the story as the strong unexpected dialogue threw me in the absence of a detailed description.


I will be adding descriptions.  I wanted to mainly focus on dialogue.


Quoted from walford
Overall great idea and I enjoyed the read. walford


Thanks for taking your time to read my script.  I'll look forward to reading your work.

Kind regards,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: January 7th, 2009, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Good Cop, Bad Cop Extended Version




I've received some very positive feedback on this script so I've decided to lengthen it.  

I'm not sure if it works better now.




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James McClung
Posted: January 9th, 2009, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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I went into this based on the title alone, expecting this to be a spoof on one of Hollywood's most tired cliches (which it was). I didn't even read the logline so naturally, all the religious nonsense kinda caught me by surprise...

That said, this was heavenly (pun most definitely intended). Blasphemous enough for the people who dig this sorta thing (which I do) but not so much that it feels forced, mean spirited, or exploitative. Also, I've always felt the whole death bed repentance thing was ripe with both comedic and dramatic potential, not to mention damn near unexplored. Needless to say, this brought more than a smile to my face.

In terms of what you can do to make this better, I would work on some of your deliveries. There's definitely some dynamite gags here but I still think they could be a little punchier. Perhaps trimming the fat on some of the dialogue. Not that there's all that much but the humor here lies in simplicity and I think most of these gags could come off even sharper. Perhaps some attention to your visuals as well. These guys are in a featureless room the whole time. Not that there's not action going on but maybe they need a few more things to do in between rants.

Anyway, definitely a pleasant surprise this one. Thanks for that.


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jayrex
Posted: January 12th, 2009, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi James,

Thanks for the read, happy you found this a pleasant surprise.  I'm glad this extended version works.

I'll definitely will look into the dialogue and see where I can make it even more punchier, and trim bits & pieces.  I totally agree with the action part.  It was the most difficult part to beef up.

As long as I know this rewrite works then I know I'm heading in the right direction.

I do have one extra scene that I haven't written yet regarding the first moment Rick appears in heaven.

Kind regards,


Javier


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