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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Good Cop, Bad Cop Moderators: bert
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  Author    Good Cop, Bad Cop  (currently 6314 views)
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 13th, 2009, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Jay

I read this a while back, din't know why I didn't comment.

Ya I liked this, you put out some solid work. (I really dug the "The Wife's Not Speaking")

Its comedy in itself seeing the character name "GOD" followed by the line -- "I know you did it you little bastard."

DEVIL
Was there any need for that?
Com'on. -- I loved the way you spelt out "com'on", clever.

So we got a great opening few lines here.

In fact the whole first scene till Rick asks "Hey guys. Can you turn the main
light on instead?" is pretty much flawless in my opinion, great stuff, man.

Ha ha the name "LUKE" really got me, I know he's an apostle but the it just struck me as funny in this context.

The introduction of Jesus is a nice touch but I think you over done it a bit with the "go to your room" line. Again its a great idea & could be used to great effect.

Funny introduction again with Hitler but this line "He'll be spitting obscenities at you." fell rather limp for me. I'm sure Adolf could come up with something a bit better then that.

You redeemed yourself by having him holding the phone & pressing the speed dial key for the Devil's lawyer, I loved that.

My one major drawback is the character of Rick. From what he says, his attitude etc, its hard to know what kind of a person he is. One minute he is quoting from the bible(although that don't mean shit I suppose) the next we here he has slaughtered a number of people.

He just doesn't come across or "feel" like a serial killer, his words & actions are not consistent with such a profile. I found him too bland & rather forgettable.

Maybe have him try to stoke the fire between the two, manipulate them into getting into heaven which I presume he wants...and he ultimately gets, though its thru no doing of his own. He takes a back seat for most of the proceeding. (Of course this may have been your intention)

Not sure on the ending, very sudden (maybe cos I was enjoying it so much I didn't want it to end)

Yep once again you have provided me with a great read, cheers man . I Would love to see it produced, its more then worthy of a place on screen,  great work.

Col.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Colkurtz8  -  January 15th, 2009, 3:13am
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jayrex
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col,

Thanks for the read.  Happy you enjoyed this one.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ya I liked this, you put out some solid work. (I really dug the "The Wife's Not Speaking")



Quoted from Colkurtz8
The introduction of Jesus is a nice touch but I think you over done it a bit with the "go to your room" line. Again its a great idea & could be used to great effect.


Sometimes it's a little hard to tell when I've gone too far.  It's just unrealistic and that's why I wrote it.  I do think I have to cut back in some areas with the dialogue and add more description.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Funny introduction again with Hitler but this line "He'll be spitting obscenities at you." fell rather limp for me. I'm sure Adolf could come up with something a bit better then that.


I thought that line was alright.  I could have made it worst but with Hitler being Hitler, might make this script go a little over the top if I made it an evil line.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
My one major drawback is the character of Rick. From what he says, his attitude etc, its hard to know what kind of a person he is. One minute he is quoting from the bible(although that don't mean shit I suppose) the next we hear he has slaughtered a number of people.


Rick was a bad guy turned good.  His attitude during this script I believe doesn't represent a good or bad but more nonchalant.  A person thrown into an unusual situation.  It's like his judgement day but really in the end of the day.  The Devil and God argue against each other and Rick's in the way.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
He just doesn't come across or "feel" like a serial killer, his words & actions are not consistent with such a profile. I found him too bland & rather forgettable.


This is true.  If I think of another idea, I'll try to improve on Rick's overall character.  Most of the dialogue has Rick out of the picture.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Maybe have him try to stoke the fire between the two, manipulate them into getting into heaven which I presume he wants...and he ultimately gets, though its thru no doing of his own. He takes a back seat for most of the proceeding. (Of course this may have been your intention)


Rick certainly takes a back seat.  The stoking up part.  I could draw on the histories of both characters more.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Not sure on the ending, very sudden (maybe cos I was enjoying it so much I didn't want it to end)


And here's me thinking I've wrote too much.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Yep once again you have provided me with a great read, cheers man . I Would love to see it produced, its more then worthy of a place on screen,  great work.


I've had people interested in this script.  So hopefully soon it'll get produced.  Fingers crossed.

Kind regards,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Good Cop, Bad Cop


I'm bumping this short script of mine to see if I can get any additional reads for this new and revised draft.  The director Andrew David has added his touches.

As well as your general thoughts, could you answer the following questions?

1) Do you understand why Toby has ended up in an interrogation room with God and the Devil?
2) Is here anything that didn't make sense to you?
3) Is there anything you really liked?
4) What did the cup of oil mean in the penultimate shot?

p.s.
Those large paragraphs at the beginning are by the director.


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Trojan
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

Just read the new version that you have posted. I think there are good and bad points in comparison to your original draft. The good thing is it feels like more of a complete story and has a more cinematic feel to it. The beginning is better in that we see how the guy died and why he ends up where he is.

The bad is that there is way too much description and everything is over described. It feels like a fairly heavy read and could do with some shortening. The biggest problem I had was the overuse of wrylies. I don't think I have ever read a script that had so many redundant directives on how dialogue was supposed to be delivered. It is very clunky and somewhat annoying. Also too much detail on where someone has their hands or what position they are standing in or whatever. Cut out all this and the wrylies and you can probably trim five pages off the script right there.

It needs some editing, there are some typos and grammar mistakes throughout. A couple of times you refer to him as Rick instead of Toby. Also a lot of passive verbiage, lots of 'is sitting' instead of 'sits' etc. You could just give it a polish and crispen it up, make it sharper. To be honest I think you could get this in at 12 pages with a decent edit. A lot of the dialogue is unnecessary, in that it feels like the same points are being discussed over and over. The scene with God and the devil in the nightclub I would just cut out completely, doesn't help the story. The same with the whole part about the cannibal guy, it is not really advancing the main story. It just drags it out for a bit longer.

Not sure about the ending. If there are a bunch of women chasing him is it clear that he has done something to them all? What has he done actually, has he killed these women or was he just some sort of peeping tom as implied in the opening scenes?

Don't want to sound harsh, I just think there are a lot of ways you can edit this to be a smoother piece. And I'm not sure how much of this script you have written and how much the director has written, it can be tough sometimes if you both have different ideas on what to include. Hope some of this helps.

Cheers,
Tim.
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jayrex
Posted: July 19th, 2009, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tim,

Thanks for the read, very much appreciated.


Quoted from Trojan
Just read the new version that you have posted. I think there are good and bad points in comparison to your original draft. The good thing is it feels like more of a complete story and has a more cinematic feel to it. The beginning is better in that we see how the guy died and why he ends up where he is.


For your points in the first paragraph.  The director will probably like to hear that it's a more complete story.  I added the the scenes at the beginning to explain a bit more.


Quoted from Trojan
The bad is that there is way too much description and everything is over described. It feels like a fairly heavy read and could do with some shortening. The biggest problem I had was the overuse of wrylies. I don't think I have ever read a script that had so many redundant directives on how dialogue was supposed to be delivered. It is very clunky and somewhat annoying. Also too much detail on where someone has their hands or what position they are standing in or whatever. Cut out all this and the wrylies and you can probably trim five pages off the script right there.


If you read my 2nd draft on post 27, you will see the difference between my script and this one where the director has added all this description.  He's added the wrylies, positions etc...  That is all of the directors touches.  I would never write such large paragraphs and so many wrylies.  He actually extended the script by six pages, but when it's filmed it will be quick.

Did you notice all the 'little' words used?  Apart from one, the director added them.  Don't think they work personally.  But we'll see come the day.


Quoted from Trojan
It needs some editing, there are some typos and grammar mistakes throughout. A couple of times you refer to him as Rick instead of Toby. Also a lot of passive verbiage, lots of 'is sitting' instead of 'sits' etc. You could just give it a polish and crispen it up, make it sharper. To be honest I think you could get this in at 12 pages with a decent edit. A lot of the dialogue is unnecessary, in that it feels like the same points are being discussed over and over. The scene with God and the devil in the nightclub I would just cut out completely, doesn't help the story. The same with the whole part about the cannibal guy, it is not really advancing the main story. It just drags it out for a bit longer.


Again, the mistakes are by the director.  He's renamed my lead character to Toby from Rick.  I don't use 'is' words nor 'sitting' words.  The director has never really written a script, just reads them.

The nightclub scene was an earlier thought from when I wrote a lot of Family Guy scripts.  It won't last more than ten seconds so isn't long.  As the dialogue is usually quick and snappy going by what I've wrote, then I'm hoping the cannibal scenes won't drag along when it comes to the filming.


Quoted from Trojan
Not sure about the ending. If there are a bunch of women chasing him is it clear that he has done something to them all? What has he done actually, has he killed these women or was he just some sort of peeping tom as implied in the opening scenes?


That ending isn't the real ending as it will be shown after the credits or during.  But may get cut.  Again it won't last more than five/ten seconds.


Quoted from Trojan
Don't want to sound harsh, I just think there are a lot of ways you can edit this to be a smoother piece. And I'm not sure how much of this script you have written and how much the director has written, it can be tough sometimes if you both have different ideas on what to include. Hope some of this helps.


Everything you've pointed out has been down to the director, to help him understand.  I hope I've explained everything.

All the best,


Javier



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Ledbetter
Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, this was a very good read to me. I really didn't like GOD using the word FUCK. Kinda rubed me the wrong way. Made him sound like he was on the verge of not being in control or something. I can't quite put my finger on it.

The JESUS scene has been discusse several times so I won't go into it, but I feel the same as gthe other posters regarding the GO TO YOUR ROOM comment.

It was engaging and has a cute punchline, btu it did kinda feel like just that, a punchline instead of an ending. Sandra came along a bit late in the story.

I think you have a real cool style of writing that is very unique. Keep up the clever writing. That is what sets you apart.

Shawn....><
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rendevous
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Javier,

Review as promised. I see you've a director attached, nice. English outfit too. Very nice. So all my thoughts on typos and grammar are irrelevant. I think we can both breathe easy on that one.

My reviews have become fairly verbose of late. I figured you're looking for opinions at the mo so I told you as much as I could.

Just one gripe it would pain me not to mention. In England we spell those things at the edge of the road as 'kerb', not 'curb'. As Bowie once sang 'This Is Not America', not yet at least.

Not too sure if your credit on the title page is entirely fair to you. Maybe you're fine with it so ignore if you're happy. I'm intrigued by it as he's just tacked on an intro hasn't he?

On to the story. I did read the original, long while ago. I didn't comment as I didn't really have anything to say that hadn't already been said. Anyways. I get where the director's going with the start. It's all fair enough, functional writing, not that exciting to read but we're going for images, seems fair enough. Frankly I'd have been more intrigued if I hadn't known how Toby had met his fate. That question would have been in the back of my head whilst reading until I found out...

It's bloody hard to read those initial bits. I kept having to reread them as I was getting lost. Been a long day, might just be me. The main point here is if SS folks are looking on the latest comments  then the gripes on the script's quality of writing will put them off. As you're seeking opinions this is a bit of a problem. It didn't put me off but then I ain't like most folks, so folks say anyway. It'd be a bloody shame too as I remember this script as being quite a good one. I'm not alone either.

Not sure I buy the crack on the head business. Might work, but on film I imagine it wouldn't seem quite enough. I know it's cheaper and easier to film but couldn't someone do something to poor old Tobe? He'd gain a lot more sympathy from the audience that way.

As this seems more like a shooting script than the previous draft I was bit surprised there wasn't more description (apart from attire) of God and Devil. Beards / No beards / make up. In other words I don't how I know these guys are the big fellas, apart from the script told me they were. I read two blokes in suits. In your first script that didn't matter so much. I figured then that if it came to be filmed then that would everybody's else's problem when/if it got filmed. As it's that enviable stage now of getting done this seems a bit slack to me. A  missed opportunity.

Not sure the devil in a black suit would work. Since Reservoir Dogs and all those films that have followed, I for one am getting bloody well sick of bad guys in black suits. Jesus Christ Almighty, you'd think someone would try something new, just for the hell of it, for the love of God and all that is holey. All puns intended. Re humbly apologies to all those reading with a sensitive and acute humour. You should read my scripts...

Just to summarise. I was expecting the director to put some more details in there.

By the way, I comment as I read. I'll summarise my thoughts as a whole at the end.

I like the collection box. Good little prop. I'd like to see a bit of detail on the front of Toby's file. Date of birth, IQ or the like. Something to separate him from all the other ones still walking around. Of course using this idea will mean I need a co-credit. Or a wanker's draft, sorry, a banker's wank. Oh deedums,  you know what I mean.

God's opening is priceless in my book. Sets the scene and the tone very well. We've an idea where we're going. It's the high point so far. That'll get a few laughs.


Quoted from Good Cop, Bad Cop
DEVIL - C’mon, got to get this over and done with, I’m scheduled to play Devils Advocate between Iran and the West.


I might have a fuzzy memory but I think your opening lines for the previous draft for the devil were better. Either way that didn't work too well for me.

I see from previous comments that people are rather offended by God swearing and using 'foul' language. Scriptwise this was a big plus for me. You don't state which God it is, everyone's got a different one in my book. For your info I'm a lapsed Catholic. In my head this means I was brought up a Catholic before I knew better and before I copped on. I'm entitled to my opinion, I think everyone is. I ain't saying I'm right, I'm just saying what I think.

A look at http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com on a regular basis. It gives some interesting ideas on what's getting bought these days. They just mentioned paretheticals are getting popular, for a change. I ain;t a fan but maybe I've read too many writing guides. If you're happy and the director's happy with them my opinion on them is somewhat obselete. Their plus is I get the idea exactly of how you meant the line to be delivered. They're a bit rough on the actors though, doesn't give them a lot of room to play with. In my humble they could do with shortening.

E.G. (with a smile on his face) could just be 'smiling'

If I'd wrote this I'd be feeling hard done by with the Supers on page 4.

I notice there's no real credit sequence. Not a complaint but it just leaves me wondering.

I promised no typo comments. However there's one driving me up the wall. Let me off once okay? The devils is wrong. Should be "devil's" as he is the only devil around. [Tyops cmomnets are now swticehd to off]

There's huge details in this script. I'm beginning to wonder why? Do we really need to know -

Quoted from Good Cop, Bad Cop
TOBY is sitting on an
unvarnished, four legged, old looking wooden chair in front
of a similar looking table.


Seems a bit bizarre and novelish. Okay I know this is well on the way to celluloid but still. I've no problem reading about all the objects on the table, that's fine to me, but intricate details about, what is after all, just a chair is waaayy into overwriting, even to me. I'm fond of detail but scripts should lack it unless there is a big point [my thanks to LC for making that crystal clear].


Quoted from Good Cop, Bad Cop
TOBY is dressed as we first met him but there
is no blood on him now


Not the best phrasing so far. Unless he's changed clothes I see little point in mentioning it. You could have said "Toby appears exactly the same, except he's unmarked." I'll refrain from grammar and phrasing comments too now, let's stick to story.

To be continued...


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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...continued as promised.

Jesus it's late. But I'll finish this, God help me. Oh, he's not answering. Again. Typ-ic-al. Bugger. Omnipresent beings seem to lack the ability to appear when summoned. Or they're/Him are/is just plain old rude. Funny, certain Governers/Republicans seem able to summon them at will. Stop it.

Anyways -
Quoted from GC, BC script
GOD
(almost frustrated,
through his teeth)
I know you did it you little
bastard... (beat) ...so why not
save us all some time and
confess?
TOBY looks petrified.


...made me laugh out loud, not something I'm too prone to. Can't go far wrong with those lines. I see and am pleased by the fact that God's language doesn't lighten.  Swearing can be an awesome device.


Quoted from GC, BC script
The DEVIL smiles in past triumph.


I've got no idea what that means. I know he smiles, I just don't know why.


Quoted from GC, BC script
He’s not allowed to read your
mind anymore, or watch your every
move.
TOBY
(astonished)
Really?


Excellent. Now you've got my full attention.
As an aside here, Ive been imagining this playing out on the screen. If I didn't know their names I'd be still unclear as to who was who and what the bloody hell was happening. Maybe that's part of the plan. I've not yet read the previous comments in detail so I might have missed something. Did I?


Quoted from GC, BC script
TOBY has an
epiphany of a loophole now he is grasping onto the
situation which is unfolding around him.


This reminded of a line in one of the Matrix sequel scripts. It went something like 'Neo tries to comprehend how one machine can love another machine'. Both lines are completely unfilmable but both tell the reader what should be going through the actor's mind and what's going on. I'm not completely against the occasional one of those but you know yourself they're pushing that 'what the fuck' button with readers.
Your problem is Neo's instruction requires an expression which doesn't matter a whole bunch to the audience if he manages to convey it or not (opinions on the result differ). However Toby's instruction is pretty much impossible to convey. If it's important then you're knackered IMH as Laurence Olivier or Alec Guiness couldn't manage that. And those guys were really good.

I don't know yet if this is important but, if it is, then those instructions are completely reduntant to everybody, except maybe the actor as actior coaching.


Quoted from GC BC script
You do not want to cross paths with me.


This God fella, he's got some strange lines. I can buy the swearing and all the earlier lines but that line stuck out. Would He say that? Hmmm.....


Quoted from GC BC script
The Devil has already moved to the door by this point and
now opens it awaiting God, who runs his fingers through his
hair to resume his composure and focusing only on the exit,
collects Toby’s file from the table and walks towards the
Devil who is holding the door open from outside.


Quoted from GC BC script
  


I was waiting for a full stop then I ran of breath. I'm a smoker but I doubt that affects it. Sentences of that length are moving rapidly into Swift/ Joyce territory, a very dangerous place that all but the brave and foolish, possibly incompetent will venture. Even Joyce and Swift had trouble maintaining interest of readers. They still do. However, they were writing novels.

The big problem here is that I find myself drifting away as I read. That shouldn't happen. Ever. We've got a good situation, God, Devil and a mystified and confused dead bloke.
The writing is boring the arse off me. What happened? I'll continue, but it's like being in the dentist's chair at the moment. I certainly didn't feel this way with the previous draft of this script. I'll save the rest 'til later, Let me know what you think so far. Your comments will probably affect how I view the rest. I will read the rest of it and comment. I just can't right now, sorry.

Re


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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stevie
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier. I just finished reading the second and third drafts - i read the original earlier today.  I really like your writing style - formating is good, well paced, etc.

But I had trouble with the whole story. The concept is great and worth while doing but I don't quite think you have nailed it yet. There aren't enough funny lines in it, for me. And let's face it, it is a black comedy.

I think maybe the problem was the three versions: the first was good, the second probably the best, but the third sort of made it all too complex. I know this latter one was a possible shooting script, but I liked it better not knowing how Rick/Toby got to Purgatory. Also his character was very markedly changed by the third draft, almost as an afterthought.
The other reviews have covered it all so I'll just reiterate: make it funnier and it will be a lot stronger.
Hope this helps        stevie.



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jayrex
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Ledbetter, much appreciated.


Quoted from Ledbetter
Overall, this was a very good read to me. I really didn't like GOD using the word FUCK. Kinda rubed me the wrong way. Made him sound like he was on the verge of not being in control or something. I can't quite put my finger on it.


Fair enough.


Quoted from Ledbetter
The JESUS scene has been discusse several times so I won't go into it, but I feel the same as gthe other posters regarding the GO TO YOUR ROOM comment.

It was engaging and has a cute punchline, btu it did kinda feel like just that, a punchline instead of an ending. Sandra came along a bit late in the story.


The way I write, I like to bring characters in from no-where.  Short and tidy introductions and keep it snappy.  Not sure if I'll do this when I get around to writing my feature idea.



Quoted from Ledbetter
I think you have a real cool style of writing that is very unique. Keep up the clever writing. That is what sets you apart.


Cheers.  I have to thank the other writers on this site for my style I have been trying to cultivate.

All the best,



Javier


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jayrex
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your review Stevie.


Quoted from stevie
Hey Javier. I just finished reading the second and third drafts - i read the original earlier today.  I really like your writing style - formating is good, well paced, etc.


I'm happy and surprised you've read all three drafts.  The 1st draft was more for dialogue, the 2nd was to add more description and lengthen it and the 3rd is what the director wanted.  He added his stuff on top of the intro I wrote and the club and outro scenes.


Quoted from stevie
But I had trouble with the whole story. The concept is great and worth while doing but I don't quite think you have nailed it yet. There aren't enough funny lines in it, for me. And let's face it, it is a black comedy.


It is a black comedy.  But I feel the director is coming at my script with a drama angle.  It's his way of thinking.  Everything has to be explained or people won't understand this & that.  I'm not sure if he realises that people don't need to know or care how a person gets from A to B.  As long as it's funny then go with it.

When it comes to shooting there maybe a few alterations before shooting or during.

I've just found out today I can't film in a Police station in London.  They use to allow camera crews to come in but not anymore.  But I believe the director has a few other places to shoot it.


Quoted from stevie
I think maybe the problem was the three versions: the first was good, the second probably the best, but the third sort of made it all too complex. I know this latter one was a possible shooting script, but I liked it better not knowing how Rick/Toby got to Purgatory. Also his character was very markedly changed by the third draft, almost as an afterthought.
The other reviews have covered it all so I'll just reiterate: make it funnier and it will be a lot stronger.


I did wonder why the director asked me to write that intro scene.  I don't care how he got there and like yourself I suspect others don't.  But from what I gather, there are people that just need to know or they may get confused.

The director also changed the scope of Rick to Toby.  Although it's not too much of a change.

Do you think the 3rd draft has a drama touch to it?  I think this is what makes it less funny.  But maybe when it gets shot on the day and how the actors play it out it may be fine?  

He's getting five people to read the 3rd draft and if they have a drama way of thinking then I'm sure he'll be happy.  
But I'll be sure to get him to read everyone's thoughts above.

Cheers for the read,



Javier


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rendevous
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Javier,

Last part.


Quoted from GC, BC
P7. As he exists


Think you meant 'exits' there. I read that twice trying to work out what when.

I'm getting to used to the writing now. As I;ve said though, there's an awful lot of detail.

The Luke scene is good.

Once we got to Jesus I felt I was right back reading your previous draft, which was nice.


Quoted from GC, BC
P.11 DEVIL - From the day Toby...
The Devil holds up is finger to highlight- DEVIL (CONT'D)
REPENTED. Rick has been a stand up


I'm getting confused, This guy's called Toby. He was Rick then you changed the name. You probably just missed that one there. There's another one on P. 16.

The last half reads twice as fast as the first half and is a hell of a lot more enjoyable. Looking back through the previous comments I can see I'm with Stevie on most of his points.

Re


Out Of Character - updated


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jayrex
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your review Rendevous, very much appreciated.


Quoted from rendevous
Not too sure if your credit on the title page is entirely fair to you. Maybe you're fine with it so ignore if you're happy. I'm intrigued by it as he's just tacked on an intro hasn't he?


I've added the intro.  He's added a much of the description at the start, and sprinkled some more lines throughout, and changed some things.


Quoted from rendevous
...Frankly I'd have been more intrigued if I hadn't known how Toby had met his fate. That question would have been in the back of my head whilst reading until I found out...


You're another who doesn't need the intro.  That's a minute or two chopped off.  I agree, it's not needed although for some it is.  Who are these people that need to know everything?


Quoted from rendevous
It's bloody hard to read those initial bits. I kept having to reread them as I was getting lost. Been a long day, might just be me. The main point here is if SS folks are looking on the latest comments  then the gripes on the script's quality of writing will put them off. As you're seeking opinions this is a bit of a problem. It didn't put me off but then I ain't like most folks, so folks say anyway. It'd be a bloody shame too as I remember this script as being quite a good one. I'm not alone either.


It's true, many people will be put off by the 3rd draft.  It's not of my doing.  It is hard work to read the intro but that's for the director to understand.   So it doesn't bother me too much.


Quoted from rendevous
Not sure I buy the crack on the head business. Might work, but on film I imagine it wouldn't seem quite enough. I know it's cheaper and easier to film but couldn't someone do something to poor old Tobe? He'd gain a lot more sympathy from the audience that way.


I must off thought of fifty ways to kill him.  Some very expensive, some impossible.  This is the cheapest.  It's more expensive to have a funnier death.  This is the dramatic way.


Quoted from rendevous
As this seems more like a shooting script than the previous draft I was bit surprised there wasn't more description (apart from attire) of God and Devil. Beards / No beards / make up. In other words I don't how I know these guys are the big fellas, apart from the script told me they were. I read two blokes in suits. In your first script that didn't matter so much. I figured then that if it came to be filmed then that would everybody's else's problem when/if it got filmed. As it's that enviable stage now of getting done this seems a bit slack to me. A  missed opportunity.


When 90% of this is in the same situation, there wasn't much more description I could add.  The director added some stuff to visualize people's positions.


Quoted from rendevous
Not sure the devil in a black suit would work. Since Reservoir Dogs and all those films that have followed, I for one am getting bloody well sick of bad guys in black suits. Jesus Christ Almighty, you'd think someone would try something new, just for the hell of it, for the love of God and all that is holey. All puns intended. Re humbly apologies to all those reading with a sensitive and acute humour. You should read my scripts...


Maybe I'll see if the director would be happy for God and the Devil to swap suits?  Maybe that'll work?


Quoted from rendevous
I like the collection box. Good little prop. I'd like to see a bit of detail on the front of Toby's file. Date of birth, IQ or the like. Something to separate him from all the other ones still walking around. Of course using this idea will mean I need a co-credit. Or a wanker's draft, sorry, a banker's wank. Oh deedums,  you know what I mean.


I think we'll be filling in this minor detail at a later stage.


Quoted from rendevous
God's opening is priceless in my book. Sets the scene and the tone very well. We've an idea where we're going. It's the high point so far. That'll get a few laughs.


Scene 4 with God's opening line "I know you did it you little bastard."  That was the original opening.

The line you refer too is really the director's own doing with a touch from me.  I agree, not exactly a funny intro.  It's got a drama touch to it.


Quoted from rendevous
I might have a fuzzy memory but I think your opening lines for the previous draft for the devil were better. Either way that didn't work too well for me.


Noted.


Quoted from rendevous
I see from previous comments that people are rather offended by God swearing and using 'foul' language. Scriptwise this was a big plus for me...


It is for everyone, but on this occasion I don't mind.  Most of my scripts don't have swear words.  Just the religious ones.


Quoted from rendevous
...If you're happy and the director's happy with them my opinion on them is somewhat obselete. Their plus is I get the idea exactly of how you meant the line to be delivered. They're a bit rough on the actors though, doesn't give them a lot of room to play with. In my humble they could do with shortening.


The wrylies are by the director.  Not my idea.  From what I believe, were not here to tell an actor or director how to do their job, so leave them out.


Quoted from rendevous
If I'd wrote this I'd be feeling hard done by with the Supers on page 4.


It should say 'written by'  The story & idea is all me.  Add-ons are just add-ons.


Quoted from rendevous
There's huge details in this script. I'm beginning to wonder why? Do we really need to know -

Seems a bit bizarre and novelish. Okay I know this is well on the way to celluloid but still. I've no problem reading about all the objects on the table, that's fine to me, but intricate details about, what is after all, just a chair is waaayy into overwriting, even to me. I'm fond of detail but scripts should lack it unless there is a big point [my thanks to LC for making that crystal clear].


The bit you're talking about was rewritten by the director.  Albeit very badly.  Way too long and unnecessary text like 'four legged', as opposed to a swivel chair found in an office, how many legs does a chair normally have?  And who cares?


Quoted from rendevous
Not the best phrasing so far. Unless he's changed clothes I see little point in mentioning it. You could have said "Toby appears exactly the same, except he's unmarked."...


Again, this is the director.  I think you've realise that I don't write like this.


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jayrex
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
...made me laugh out loud, not something I'm too prone to. Can't go far wrong with those lines. I see and am pleased by the fact that God's language doesn't lighten.  Swearing can be an awesome device.


I'm happy you laughed at my original opening line.


Quoted from rendevous


[quote=Quoted from GC, BC script]
The DEVIL smiles in past triumph.



Quoted from rendevous
I've got no idea what that means. I know he smiles, I just don't know why.


The director explained it to me.  It doesn't really make sense to me and even when seen on film, not sure why it would be needed.


Quoted from rendevous


[quote=Quoted from GC, BC script]
He’s not allowed to read your
mind anymore, or watch your every
move.
TOBY
(astonished)
Really?




Quoted from rendevous
Excellent. Now you've got my full attention.
As an aside here, I've been imagining this playing out on the screen. If I didn't know their names I'd be still unclear as to who was who and what the bloody hell was happening. Maybe that's part of the plan. I've not yet read the previous comments in detail so I might have missed something. Did I?


No you didn't.


Quoted from rendevous


[quote=Quoted from GC, BC script]
TOBY has an
epiphany of a loophole now he is grasping onto the
situation which is unfolding around him.




Quoted from rendevous
This reminded of a line in one of the Matrix sequel scripts. It went something like 'Neo tries to comprehend how one machine can love another machine'. Both lines are completely unfilmable but both tell the reader what should be going through the actor's mind and what's going on. I'm not completely against the occasional one of those but you know yourself they're pushing that 'what the fuck' button with readers.
Your problem is Neo's instruction requires an expression which doesn't matter a whole bunch to the audience if he manages to convey it or not (opinions on the result differ). However Toby's instruction is pretty much impossible to convey. If it's important then you're knackered IMH as Laurence Olivier or Alec Guiness couldn't manage that. And those guys were really good.

I don't know yet if this is important but, if it is, then those instructions are completely reduntant to everybody, except maybe the actor as actior coaching.


Again, not me.  I'll leave that for the director to implement.


Quoted from rendevous


[quote=Quoted from GC BC script]
You do not want to cross paths with me.




Quoted from rendevous
This God fella, he's got some strange lines. I can buy the swearing and all the earlier lines but that line stuck out. Would He say that? Hmmm.....


Stuck out you say?  Well, this again wasn't me.  I felt this was over-the-top.  It kinda pushed God over to an evil side rather than being a bad-ass.  This was categorically a threat to Toby's life.  Maybe his friends will persuade him to have it removed.



Quoted from rendevous


[quote=Quoted from GC BC script]
The Devil has already moved to the door by this point and
now opens it awaiting God, who runs his fingers through his
hair to resume his composure and focusing only on the exit,
collects Toby’s file from the table and walks towards the
Devil who is holding the door open from outside.




Quoted from rendevous
Quoted from GC BC script
  


I was waiting for a full stop then I ran of breath. I'm a smoker but I doubt that affects it. Sentences of that length are moving rapidly into Swift/ Joyce territory, a very dangerous place that all but the brave and foolish, possibly incompetent will venture. Even Joyce and Swift had trouble maintaining interest of readers. They still do. However, they were writing novels.


Again, not me.


Quoted from rendevous
The big problem here is that I find myself drifting away as I read. That shouldn't happen. Ever. We've got a good situation, God, Devil and a mystified and confused dead bloke.
The writing is boring the arse off me. What happened? I'll continue, but it's like being in the dentist's chair at the moment. I certainly didn't feel this way with the previous draft of this script. I'll save the rest 'til later, Let me know what you think so far. Your comments will probably affect how I view the rest. I will read the rest of it and comment. I just can't right now, sorry.


Re

Interesting comments.  Boring you say?  I'll be sure to get the director to read this.  

Please, feel free to write more.  If it doesn't work, it simply doesn't work.  But remember, it's the dialogue on screen.  Will that bore you?

Cheers for the insightful comments, really much appreciate it.


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jayrex
Posted: July 23rd, 2009, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
...I'm getting to used to the writing now. As I;ve said though, there's an awful lot of detail.


Yep.


Quoted from rendevous
The Luke scene is good.


Cool.


Quoted from rendevous
Once we got to Jesus I felt I was right back reading your previous draft, which was nice.


Cool.


Quoted from rendevous
The last half reads twice as fast as the first half and is a hell of a lot more enjoyable. Looking back through the previous comments I can see I'm with Stevie on most of his points.


As long as it reads fast and is understandable then great.

I'm with Stevie as well.

Wow, this has got to be my longest review and response ever.

Thanks for the review again,

JT.


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