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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Male Implants Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Male Implants by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - A 3 minute short featuring a doctor advertising his new, controversial procedure. The "male implants" which he inserts may be beneficial for breaking up with a stubborn girlfriend, but have unwanted consequences in the long run. Is there ever such a thing as too much testosterone? Yes, yes there is. 3 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
SimplyScripts  -  September 9th, 2009, 5:41pm
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James McClung
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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What up, f****r. Good to have you aboard.

Anyway, I already talked to you about the formatting. I think now you might think about adding some more stuff to the script, since you're done with the assignment. It's a decent idea and doesn't need to be this short.

Also, a word about loglines (synopsis). It's best if you can sum up your script in one short sentence. Sometimes, it takes a little more but the general idea is you want to give people a sense of the story without giving everything away. For future reference, if you plan on posting anymore of your work here.

Anyway, good work, dude. See you around.


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albinopenguin
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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Thanks James! I will definitely make use of your advice.


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dogglebe
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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This was a cute read, but ended rather abruptly.  I was actually at a loss, wondering why I couldn't scroll any further.

I think this sketch needs one last zinger, just to tell the reader/viewer that it's over.


Phil


The Devil's Jokebook  
An ancient relic disappears.  And Heaven and Hell will fight to get it back.


Finalist, Shriekfest Horror Film Festival screenplay competition.
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bert
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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A friend of James, huh?  Well that can't be good.

Is "Will Ball" your real name?  Sounds like a tag-line for the script haha.

Anyways, this was funny enough.  I kind of get what Phil is saying about the abrupt ending, but since I was looking for it, it really did not seem so abrupt at all.  Does that make sense?

I would also question the single profanity in the script.  Since it is the only one, it is not really necessary, and it is kind of a rude one at that.  Not that it bothers me, but it might turn off someone who was otherwise considering the script.  Some people are fussy that way.  Anyways, since you are not cursing all over the place, you might consider losing the one you've got.

And if you post stuff in the future, consider converting it to PDF.  Stuff looks much cleaner and pro that way.

And don't listen to anything James says.  He is the biggest hack on these boards.


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albinopenguin
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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haha actually Will Ball is my real name. And I agree, James is bad news.

That's actually a really good suggestion. I think I'm going to omit that one profane part. And I'm going to work on the PDF conversion. I'm working on a mac, and the one program I have that converts word docs to pdf files screws up the margins for some odd reason. But it definitely looks a lot better.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am really open to suggestions. I plan on visiting this site often, reading people's scripts, and totally immersing myself into screenwriting. I absolutely love it and I can see everyone here does too.


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slabstaa
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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A fellow board member from Philly.  Good stuff.  How's it going Will?

Welcome to the board and hope to have you around more.

I'm going to have to disagree with Bert on the profanity.  

I thought it worked well...and actually, I couldn't take the smile off my face.

Perhaps at the end, instead of having the boyfriend pound his chest like he's king kong, maybe have him rip into that steak he ordered while he's growling like a mad dog?  LOL, anyway hope to see more from you.
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 4th, 2008, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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thanks so much slabby.

it's funny because i actually have conflicting interests on the whole profanity dilemma. personally, i like it in there. however i want to obtain the highest chances of the script getting produced. so on the one hand i want to keep it, but on the other, i want to appeal to as many people as possible. i'm pretty sure this happens a lot in screenwriting- you vs. the general masses.

and i'm definitely going to work on the ending. one more joke at the end would be nice.

however i'm going to leave the entire script untouched for a week or so. while writing short stories, i find it very helpful to leave them alone and then come back to them for rewrites.

but i'm still very open to advice. you all have been quite helpful! thanks!


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mcornetto
Posted: November 4th, 2008, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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Not bad. I got a bit of a chuckle out of it.  It will make a cute skit.  I have to agree with bert about the one piece of profanity - I think you can do it without that and it would increase your audience.  It's not that big of a deal though.  

One thing I would suggest to you is watching your parentheticals.  Those are the little parenthesis things in dialogue (in case you didn't know).  You don't need three-quarters of the ones you had, if you remove them it won't make a lick of difference to your script.  I think the only one that seemed necessary was sighing.  
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tonkatough
Posted: November 4th, 2008, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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This felt more like a skit then a short. Funny as all hell. The testostrone over dose macho "suck my cock b****" behaviour is laugh out loud funny. Just as funny  as one of those gym junkie himbos I work with having a roid rage episode.

You hit the nail on the head with this one.

Totally disagree, with the above about cut back on the profanities. When your got three testicles and testostrone soaked brain, being polite and considerate is the last thing on your mind.    


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alffy
Posted: November 4th, 2008, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will.

This was pretty funny and I have to agree that swearing and foul mouthed outburst was a bit out of place but no big issues I guess. Anyway I love the idea, perhaps you could keep this going with a few more crazy medical ideas. It would be like watching some weird adverts lol.

One other thing, when you say the boyfriend rips open his shirt and pounds his chest, you put like a 'guerilla', I think this should be 'gorilla'. Unless he's trying to over throw the restuarent staff and seize power of the kitchen lol.


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jayrex
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Will,

A quirky little story you have here.  Not bad and with a few edits here and there can be quite a pleasing read.

You need to introduce your characters in capitals, the doctor, boyfriend and girlfriend, who we later learn is Marie.  You should name both your characters and introduce them as Marie and Bob.

Anyway, the ending could be better.  It's not bad but feel the pay off could be upped.  When the doc goes "How did he get that?"  My question isn't how as I know how and where to buy.  It's more like who what and why?  See what I'm saying?  There is no reason for this dude to be there, what is he doing there and why?

Now redo this and save in PDF.  I use Celtx for my shorts at the moment but I'm thinking of going to use Sophocles for my feature.

Come to think of it Balt, I could upload the demo of Sophocles to my site and the key and then everyone could have it.  Good idea?

All the best,


Javier


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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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That's funny. Could be on SNL.
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albinopenguin
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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Thanks guys, I really appreciate the read. And thats really good advice Javier. I'm actually thinking up another ending as we speak.

I forgot to mention that this script was a rewrite when I submitted it. Originally, it ended with the doctor saying "Call now for your free consulation. You'll be glad you did" - and that was it. Everyone who read it felt it needed one last joke. So I came up with this ending. However your comment made me realize that the ending could be better. And I have something much better in mind.

So ill be putting up the rewrite in pdf format soon.


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jackx
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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The bf's dialogue is a bit awkward, but perhaps fitting to the medium as long as its on purpose.
you have 'the' regular and 300 in italics.  You should either drop the 'the' or make it italics.
I'm guessing the bfs Freedom cry is a Braveheart reference, I might right it out Freeeedoooom! or something if that was your intended affect.
I guess your already working on the ending, so I wont add to that.
Pretty funny idea, love the idea of a third nut.  Perhaps for extreme cases the can recieve a full extra sac.
Good stuff.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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