Male Implants by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - A 3 minute short featuring a doctor advertising his new, controversial procedure. The "male implants" which he inserts may be beneficial for breaking up with a stubborn girlfriend, but have unwanted consequences in the long run. Is there ever such a thing as too much testosterone? Yes, yes there is. 3 pages - pdf, format

What up, fucker. Good to have you aboard.

Anyway, I already talked to you about the formatting. I think now you might think about adding some more stuff to the script, since you're done with the assignment. It's a decent idea and doesn't need to be this short.

Also, a word about loglines (synopsis). It's best if you can sum up your script in one short sentence. Sometimes, it takes a little more but the general idea is you want to give people a sense of the story without giving everything away. For future reference, if you plan on posting anymore of your work here.

Anyway, good work, dude. See you around.

Thanks James! I will definitely make use of your advice.

This was a cute read, but ended rather abruptly.  I was actually at a loss, wondering why I couldn't scroll any further.

I think this sketch needs one last zinger, just to tell the reader/viewer that it's over.


Phil

A friend of James, huh?  Well that can't be good.

Is "Will Ball" your real name?  Sounds like a tag-line for the script haha.

Anyways, this was funny enough.  I kind of get what Phil is saying about the abrupt ending, but since I was looking for it, it really did not seem so abrupt at all.  Does that make sense?

I would also question the single profanity in the script.  Since it is the only one, it is not really necessary, and it is kind of a rude one at that.  Not that it bothers me, but it might turn off someone who was otherwise considering the script.  Some people are fussy that way.  Anyways, since you are not cursing all over the place, you might consider losing the one you've got.

And if you post stuff in the future, consider converting it to PDF.  Stuff looks much cleaner and pro that way.

And don't listen to anything James says.  He is the biggest hack on these boards.

haha actually Will Ball is my real name. And I agree, James is bad news.

That's actually a really good suggestion. I think I'm going to omit that one profane part. And I'm going to work on the PDF conversion. I'm working on a mac, and the one program I have that converts word docs to pdf files screws up the margins for some odd reason. But it definitely looks a lot better.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am really open to suggestions. I plan on visiting this site often, reading people's scripts, and totally immersing myself into screenwriting. I absolutely love it and I can see everyone here does too.

A fellow board member from Philly.  Good stuff.  How's it going Will?

Welcome to the board and hope to have you around more.

I'm going to have to disagree with Bert on the profanity.  

I thought it worked well...and actually, I couldn't take the smile off my face.

Perhaps at the end, instead of having the boyfriend pound his chest like he's king kong, maybe have him rip into that steak he ordered while he's growling like a mad dog?  LOL, anyway hope to see more from you.

thanks so much slabby.

it's funny because i actually have conflicting interests on the whole profanity dilemma. personally, i like it in there. however i want to obtain the highest chances of the script getting produced. so on the one hand i want to keep it, but on the other, i want to appeal to as many people as possible. i'm pretty sure this happens a lot in screenwriting- you vs. the general masses.

and i'm definitely going to work on the ending. one more joke at the end would be nice.

however i'm going to leave the entire script untouched for a week or so. while writing short stories, i find it very helpful to leave them alone and then come back to them for rewrites.

but i'm still very open to advice. you all have been quite helpful! thanks!

Not bad. I got a bit of a chuckle out of it.  It will make a cute skit.  I have to agree with bert about the one piece of profanity - I think you can do it without that and it would increase your audience.  It's not that big of a deal though.  

One thing I would suggest to you is watching your parentheticals.  Those are the little parenthesis things in dialogue (in case you didn't know).  You don't need three-quarters of the ones you had, if you remove them it won't make a lick of difference to your script.  I think the only one that seemed necessary was sighing.  

This felt more like a skit then a short. Funny as all hell. The testostrone over dose macho "suck my cock bitch" behaviour is laugh out loud funny. Just as funny  as one of those gym junkie himbos I work with having a roid rage episode.

You hit the nail on the head with this one.

Totally disagree, with the above about cut back on the profanities. When your got three testicles and testostrone soaked brain, being polite and considerate is the last thing on your mind.    

Hey Will.

This was pretty funny and I have to agree that swearing and foul mouthed outburst was a bit out of place but no big issues I guess. Anyway I love the idea, perhaps you could keep this going with a few more crazy medical ideas. It would be like watching some weird adverts lol.

One other thing, when you say the boyfriend rips open his shirt and pounds his chest, you put like a 'guerilla', I think this should be 'gorilla'. Unless he's trying to over throw the restuarent staff and seize power of the kitchen lol.

Hello Will,

A quirky little story you have here.  Not bad and with a few edits here and there can be quite a pleasing read.

You need to introduce your characters in capitals, the doctor, boyfriend and girlfriend, who we later learn is Marie.  You should name both your characters and introduce them as Marie and Bob.

Anyway, the ending could be better.  It's not bad but feel the pay off could be upped.  When the doc goes "How did he get that?"  My question isn't how as I know how and where to buy.  It's more like who what and why?  See what I'm saying?  There is no reason for this dude to be there, what is he doing there and why?

Now redo this and save in PDF.  I use Celtx for my shorts at the moment but I'm thinking of going to use Sophocles for my feature.

Come to think of it Balt, I could upload the demo of Sophocles to my site and the key and then everyone could have it.  Good idea?

All the best,


Javier

That's funny. Could be on SNL.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the read. And thats really good advice Javier. I'm actually thinking up another ending as we speak.

I forgot to mention that this script was a rewrite when I submitted it. Originally, it ended with the doctor saying "Call now for your free consulation. You'll be glad you did" - and that was it. Everyone who read it felt it needed one last joke. So I came up with this ending. However your comment made me realize that the ending could be better. And I have something much better in mind.

So ill be putting up the rewrite in pdf format soon.

The bf's dialogue is a bit awkward, but perhaps fitting to the medium as long as its on purpose.
you have 'the' regular and 300 in italics.  You should either drop the 'the' or make it italics.
I'm guessing the bfs Freedom cry is a Braveheart reference, I might right it out Freeeedoooom! or something if that was your intended affect.
I guess your already working on the ending, so I wont add to that.
Pretty funny idea, love the idea of a third nut.  Perhaps for extreme cases the can recieve a full extra sac.
Good stuff.

Hey AP. I liked this, very similiar brand of humour to Psychic. But, yeah, i would change the ending. You set it up with the chainsaw to be really funny, but it sort of fizzles out.
The rest is gold comedy. The second restaurant scene where he gets aggro is great.

If you can nail the endings of both these shorts, you will have 2 very good bookends on your resume.

hi Will,

This was a fun read. I really liked the side-effects
However, I think you could do more in the opening scene in the restaurant to show their characters and that he's hen-pecked.  
I was confused with the ending and wondered why the guy from the restaurant was coming to attack the doctor as the implants seemed to have been working in his favour. Overall, lots of good stuff in there.

Best,

H

Will

I said I'd check this out since I enjoyed your "Psychic Meltdown" script. This too is rather...well...short, so its hard to really give any sort of in-depth critique but I'll  still judge it on it is, a scene or snippet from possibly something bigger.

I see you break the fourth wall again by having the main character talk directly to the camera, no problems with this of course its just not something I see too often, just your style I guess.

Again I will say you have a witty handle on the dialogue, I loved the list of stuff I guy does after he has avalied of this product in particular the snow plow and 300 parts. Its obvious the whole set up is ridiculous so there is no point in reading too much into it, you ran with it to generate some laughs and I think you done pretty weel its entertaining for a 3 pager which is all it set out to be in the firt place.

I wasn't so sure about the ending, felt like you were going too much for the big shock closing shot which I suppose something like this needs for it too stand out. Even so the comic pitch and build up amused me enough to like this, good job.

Col.

thanks so much everyone for all of your help.

btw i have revised the ending. if you guys wouldnt mind taking a look and letting me know what you think of the revision, it would be greatly appreciated. thanks so much!

and thanks for posting the revision!

Hey, reread the new version.  I think the endings an improvement, the doctors disclaimer is pretty good.  IMO the issue is its a tad too short to show the effects of the transplant.  It's entirely the two extremes, without any transition.  I would add a brief scene in between him being a loser and him being over the top, or at least build up throughout that scene to him screaming.  that way theres a development that continues up to the fire and chainsaw climax.

I actually found this quite funny. I liked the idea of literally getting more balls! (Though not from a personal point of view, of course). And the idea that the side effects would lead to a burning building and running amok with a chainsaw was a good visual joke, rather than just verbal.

I think it probably works at this length just fine and expanding it would probably lessen it's impact.

I agree completely.

I thought it was hilarious and great for the limited amount of script time that you made available.

9/10.

Hey everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed my work. I'm really quite honored that you guys would think so highly of it. That ending was a bitch- i couldnt think of anything for the longest time so I was hoping the new one worked. and from the responses i got, i think it does.

and a bit of good news concerning the script- some guy recently emailed me and was interested in turning this script into a stop animation short. so i may take him up on the offer...