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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  This Modern Love Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: November 9th, 2008, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This Modern Love by Bryan Mora (brymo) - Short - Bewitched by his presence, bothered for his body, and bewildered in his grasp; the perfect girl was made to love him. But was that enough? - pdf, format


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colkurtz8
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

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Hey Bryan

Interesting concept, a pity "Sex Doll" is doing the rounds on the site too & people are going to understandable draw comparisons & since the aforementioned is a good script you are up against it.

That aside I found the dialogue a little laboured & contrived. I know she is synthetic but whoever developed her done a poor job in the social skills department.

If she is an object for Heath's affections why is he leaving in such hurried secrecy? Does he not have complete control over Rose, could he not tell her to get out or send her back, turn off her chip etc?

On the plus side the closing scene had a tragic sadness to it .The analogy of her being like a kid lying in bed on christmas eve was on the money.

I liked the surly, trailer park husband image of Heath you conjured up however I was scratching my head that he had a women telling him to come to the city to be with her.

Then again we have no idea what kind of a person she is but it just seemed contradictory to the grossly unattractive character you had protrayed Heath to be.

The story itself didn't go anywhere but i know at six pages is very restrictive. Have you thought about expanding it?

Maybe have Rose go after him, a confrontation between herself & Stacy.

Would be amusing to see two Women fight over someone like Heath, give equatorial waistlined, fast food munching, nappy arsed truck drivers everywhere some hope (apologies for a the stereotypical description)  

Check out Sex Doll for a similar approach, its an accomplished story.

Cheers

Col.


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jayrex
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bryan,

CONTAINS SPOILERS

You have a good idea going here.  But I do kinda feel let down.  There's potential here and it doesn't really have an ending.  

Heath leaves because his sex toy has an attitude problem.  If it's suppose to be friendly, it sounds like it has a malfunction.  I wonder what makes Stacy so special.  A friendly insult is still an insult.  What makes Heath like Stacy through this postcard?  

I think you may need to add a few scenes at the beginning.  One with Stacy and one with his mates.  The postcard idea could be replaced with a phone call or secret rendezvous from this overbearing sex toy.  Plus, it sounds like he's leaving his life behind.  So maybe work is an issue too.

You do have some odd lingo both in the descriptions and dialogue.  For example: Heath says ...Let them have a peek....

If you haven't taken heed of Col's advice.  Maybe you should have a look at 'me's' version.  I think yours is the male perspective, just without dogglebe's 27 lesbian locker & shower scenes.

Is your story a coincidence that 'me' has written a story based on a Sex Doll like yourself?

A good idea with potential.  If you do a rewrite I'd be happy to read it.

All the best,


Javier


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BryMo
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jayrex

I had written "This Modern Love" for a moviepoet challenge that was based on sci fi. About 4 months ago.

http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=798

The theme was to follow Heath in his life. Some people enjoyed having to fill in the back story; where one day Heath loved his new "toy", but the magic has long since gone. It's the story of a regular guy getting bored with the stereotypically perfect woman.

I'll never write something that immediately spells answers for people, but the point i was trying to make here was:

Without adversity, we wouldn’t enjoy the happy moments in life. That’s why this guy’s relationship with the “perfect woman” fails.

People seemed to enjoy it over at Moviepoet, so i thought i'd bring the fun on over.

Thanks for the reads!

Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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alffy
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bryan

First thought is that you open with a EXT slug but describe Heath. We wouldn't see him from an EXT shot, just a nit pick to start sorry mate. You should have a shot inside for the description for me, the next scene would be a better place, when exits the truck.

Strange tale this Bry, not sure what to make of it. Is Rose a robot or just a submisive woman always wanting to please Heath? There's not enough backstory to make it clear.

Who's Stacy, and what have to do with the story?

It was nicely written but I did notice the odd mistake, nothing major though.  I'm still torn about it really, it didn't stand out for me but I did like the ending. Now you've no page limit, perhaps you could expand it a bit to fill in the gaps.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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tonkatough
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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Oh wow! It's a short script about Barbara Eden.  "Oh yes master! No master! Three bags full master."

Looks like Heath got to much of a good thing, huh?

There is no way in the world a woman would behave so altruistic like Rose does, or even a human for that matter.  Heath's line that Rose came "packaged" is another clue she is synthetic.

Guessing if Rose is a clone, bio engineered, robotic or cybernetic is half the fun.  

The way I understood your script, Heath has had a gut full of an artificial, one track emotion fake human so he leaves Rose for a real human complex relationship.

Which raises a question for me, why not just toss Rose in the bin or sell her on ebay?

And I can't believe two sex doll shorts on SS right now and not one of them pays tribute to one of my many favourite movies from my childhood about a sex slave robot.  

Of coarse I'm talking about Cherry 2000 with  Melanie Griffith.  

    


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BryMo
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough

There is no way in the world a woman would behave so altruistic like Rose does, or even a human for that matter.  Heath's line that Rose came "packaged" is another clue she is synthetic.

Guessing if Rose is a clone, bio engineered, robotic or cybernetic is half the fun.


Exactly. That was my point with the peculiar dialogue.

Thanks for the read!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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BryMo
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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I never want to say something flat out to my audience. They're not stupid. Guess for yourselves. And if you can't...then you shouldn't be reading my stuff.

Thats how i've always felt.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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