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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  A Virgin State of Mind Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: November 16th, 2008, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Virgin State of Mind by Bryan Mora (brymo) - Short - Rory becomes a pawn to an older male's sexual crusade -yet becomes a catalyst of change in this man's life as she’s faced with an unplanned pregnancy.  19 pages - pdf, format


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BryMo
Posted: November 20th, 2008, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Somebody please have a heart and critique this. I'm looking to submit it but i can't without some advice.

Anything really is appreciated.

It'd be very much appreciated.

Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Toby_E
Posted: November 20th, 2008, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brymo-

First thing I noticed when reading your script was your excellent descriptions. Possibly the most effective descriptions I've read written by a writer on this site... so congrats on that.

Page 6 of your script- who is Alexis? You say she sits alone on the bus? But we've never met her before... Maybe its Rory, but you changed her name?

And page 14... Alexis again. Yeah, I'm guessing Rory used to be Alexis.

I think you should give Rory's mum a name, as opposed to just calling her 'Mom'. When she was introduced, I didn't know who's mother she was.

Page 17- Rory's voiceover- "I'mnot" needs seperating...


Okay, I just finished reading the script. Wow. That's all I can say. That was f*cking amazing. Wow. Congratulations, you just blew me away. In my opinion, this was the best script I have read on this site. I'm a sucker when it comes to a geniunce, real life romantic film... especially, if like real life they don't happy endings. It really reminded me of one of my favourite films, 'The Wackness' (as in 'The Wackness', you know that Luke is going to get his heart broken, the same Rory is going to get hers broken).

There is nothing I can see to improve, bar the minor typos mentioned above. I also noticed that sometimes, in dialogue, certain words have unnecassary capital letters, if they start a new line? They need to be sorted out. But apart from that, there was nothing I can see to improve.

This story was so beautiful. And the use of flashbacks worked perfectly, as did the voiceover at the end. The final scene, with Rory's voiceover was truely incredible.

I am glad I gave this a read. Congratulations. This was amazing.

Cheers, Toby.

P.S. - Once again- wow.


Here is some of my latest writing:

Dead Waters -- Thriller



Revision History (1 edits)
Toby_E  -  November 21st, 2008, 9:32am
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alffy
Posted: November 21st, 2008, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bry

First off, as mentioned above, Alexis appears a few times but actually I prefer the Alexis to Rory as the latter doesn't fit for me.

This is well written but your usr of parentheticals is strange at times.  This is also true for your descriptions on ocassion. Not to bad though, I'm just been picky but sometimes you write their emotions too much. It distracts a little.

The story is excellent though. An older guy using a girl for his pleasure and the girl blinded by infatuation, mistaking it for love. It's written well thoughout and the dialogue is strong. It really is a great story and I also don't see how you could improve on it. Format needs a little work but that's it.

Great work, really enjoyable read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Toby_E
Posted: November 21st, 2008, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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^^ I agree with Alffy, Alexis works better.

And I actually think you should change the title of this script... for some reason, when I hear this title I think of a teen comedy about a bunch of losers trying to lose their viginity, but failing due to their "virgin state of mind" (this could be because i watch teen comedies to death..). But yeah, that's just my opinion matey.


Here is some of my latest writing:

Dead Waters -- Thriller


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BryMo
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Toby_E
Hey Brymo-

First thing I noticed when reading your script was your excellent descriptions. Possibly the most effective descriptions I've read written by a writer on this site... so congrats on that..


Thanks for the compliment. That means a lot.


Quoted from Toby_E
Page 6 of your script- who is Alexis? You say she sits alone on the bus? But we've never met her before... Maybe its Rory, but you changed her name?

And page 14...Yeah, I'm guessing Rory used to be Alexis.


Yeah, Rory used to be Alexis. I guess i somehow missed that while skimming through for issues. But the problem has been fixed in the new draft i posted for Don to put up.


Quoted from Toby
Okay, I just finished reading the script. Wow. That's all I can say. That was f*cking amazing. Wow. Congratulations, you just blew me away. In my opinion, this was the best script I have read on this site.


Holy cr** that comment made my day. I'm glad you enjoyed it a lot. The effort proved to be worth it.

Thanks Toby for reading and leaving a comment. It Helped me out a lot.

Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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NiK
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Do you want my candy stick?!

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Hi Bryan,

This is a good script. I can't say much about it. My only suggestion is to add more to Jared. I think it comes just like the guy who did this, someone who only haves sex with girls and one day she leaves one pregnant.

There's a line in the bus sequence near the end, when Rory sees some kids. I think this is terribly overused.

As i said, not much too add. Good job.

Nik





Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

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BryMo
Posted: December 14th, 2008, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NiK


There's a line in the bus sequence near the end, when Rory sees some kids. I think this is terribly overused.

Nik


I KNOW!! But i just had to go there! You really do see this in films everywhere, but, hopefully this once i can be let off the hook.

Yeah? lol

Thanks for the read through!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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tonkatough
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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Mmmm, nope sorry but this one didn't work for me.

I found this story anti-cinematic and dull. Having someone wake up in bed, switch off alarm, get dressed is as about as exciting as it sounds.

The conversation between characters I found uniteresting.

The lack of drama is what I blame and as soon as girl reveal she pregnent and how Jared reacted was when the story got my attention but then it ended.  

The content of your story was flat, which is a shame really cause I agree with everyone else that your writing is very nice.


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BryMo
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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I can actually see where you're coming from Tonka. I really just believe certain things affect some people while others are left standing(or sitting) in confusion.

Thanks for taking time out to read! It's appreciated!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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