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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Shards of Entropy Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 18th, 2008, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shards of Entropy by Tom Pascal - Short - We follow a day in the life of a perfect man. 3 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Tommyp
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Fantastic. Thanks Don.

Guys... this is another draft. This script was in the "work in progress" section.

Thanks for the read.


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jayrex
Posted: November 27th, 2008, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hi Tom,

I think this was some sort of treatment you had going before putting this together.  Which I didn't read.

Anyway, I don't get it.  With all the Voice-Overs, it sounds like an advert playing out.  I think you're trying to portray a man in his life as a snapshot.  But can't tell.  You'll have to explain this to me.

For the following paragraph:

Andrew moves through other rooms. Shower. Breakfast. Suit.
All in fast forward. The woman gets out of bed. Clothes.
Breakfast.

This sounds like a montagť, but in the style of Shaun of the Dead.  For example, when Shaun was getting ready for work.

Also, the line: Andrew drops a five dollar note into it...

Should be more like, Andrew hands five dollars to the homeless man.

I usually like to end with a summary.  But as I haven't a clue why this was done or its aim.  

I'll wish you all the best with any potential rewrites.


Javier


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Tommyp
Posted: November 28th, 2008, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier. Thanks for the read. I'll try and answer a few questions.

I wasn't sure whether this should be a short or an advert. I went with short, but I could change it into an ad... what do you think would work better?

What I wanted to show with this is material posessions aren't everything. And also, awesome guys can still be depressed/want to commit suicide. I've tried to show that Andrew has an awesome life, through the voiceover and what we can see, yet he kills himself in the end, which hopefully is a suprise for most people.

"We are all human" sort of... is the message.

I had a few ideas bubbling around in my head for the getting ready in the morning part, one of which was to have the camera in the one spot in the room, while Andrew and the woman move around in fast forward.

I really like the way they did that in Shaun of the Dead, so that could work too...

Homeless man line noted.

Is that a bit clearer? As it wasn't very clear through the actual script, there is a bit of a problem on my part. Rewrites will be in order.


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: November 28th, 2008, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy, I just gave this one a look. It's hard to comment a lot on a three-page script, but I'll try, haha.

The information on your title page should not be in parentheticals. Just change that up. It has nothing to do with the actual quality of the script, but it is a little bit of a turn-off to see a title page done wrong. It might make people think twice about reading, you know? Also, you need not display your e-mail adress on the title page. People can e-mail you from here just by clicking on your name. There's no problem having it, but you don't *need* it either.

Now, on to the script itself--


-In your opening V.O, you use (beat) to pause and split up the dialogue. This okay. You could've just written "A pause" in the action lines, but it's all good. However, once the voice says the number, it should end in elipses "... (beat) ...is the life expectancy of blah blah blah" because you had not finished the sentence when you broke it up. Actually, the elipses themselves can also work as a (beat) signal, so you do not really need the (beat) anyway. This stuff is not completely set in stone though.  

-Typo on pg.1--ANDREWS POV should be ANDREW'S POV.

-In scripts, try not to write in a Passive stance, or at least do it only to the minimum. Write in Active instead (example: "A room begins to come to focus" could be better as "A room slowly comes into focus") Passive stances in screenplays slow the reading down.

-That aside, I like your writing style. It is vague, but you can understand everything clearly. You don't take up any unecessary space in most of your descriptions.

I liked this. It was like a TV-ad disguised as a Short. I liked how you didn't actually show Andrew jumping to his death. Because of the short legth though, I didn't care enough about him in the end.

Honestly, even though I enjoyed the script I thought it was a little bit melodramatic and even a little bit pretentious. It was not a bad read at all, I 'm just saying that if you wanted to tell a story with this kind of message, you could've gone with something a little longer and more subtle instead of something like this.

Still--good read regardless.

--Julio  
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Tommyp
Posted: November 29th, 2008, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Julio.

Good tips about title page.

Thanks for tips on POV and beats.

With the whole passive/active thing, I haven't really noticed how I write. So from now on I will try and be active all the time. Thanks.

I might try and make it longer... or make it shorter and into a tv ad kinda thing... maybe do both!!

Glad you like it.


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tonkatough
Posted: November 30th, 2008, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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this was very mumble jumble story talk about a man who have everything, what will you lose if you die. But then have a person throw himself off a balcony.

But depsite all that it was an enjoyable read. It's like abstract art, you can look at it and look at it and look at it but never quite understand what it is because it says many diffrent things at once and you can just get lost in all the ideas with out really fully grasping them and understanding.

Another script similar to this in style is the short titled Code Red.  A good read.

I like scripts like that and they are very few and far between here on SS.


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colkurtz8
Posted: December 6th, 2008, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tom

Great read here for a three pager. Bordered on being a bit too grandiose at times but I think overall you kept it in line & didn't get too carried away.

You have some nice descriptions, the majority of voiceover fitted nicely, this one packs a punch.

Good work

Col.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
colkurtz8  -  December 10th, 2008, 5:48pm
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Tommyp
Posted: December 7th, 2008, 5:46am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tonka. Glad you liked it. I have read Code Red and it was very cool.

Col, thanks for reading.

Do you think it should be longer?


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rc1107
Posted: December 10th, 2008, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tom.

I'm kind of curious.  I understand the scenes with him putting his clothes on and eating breakfast are in fast forward, but is everything here on out in fast forward?  Him giving the five dollar note and all?  (I like the five dollar note.  If that's how they say it where you're from, I wouldn't worry too much about changing it.)

If the whole thing is in fast forward, with the normal-speed voiceover and everything, I think that would be a really neat and innovative idea.  It would definately add an appeal to the story.

I really did like it for how short it was, but it also bothered me why he would want to kill himself.  You came so close to having everything go wrong and showing us everything's not peachy no matter how good your life is, but beating up a homeless man isn't enough to agree with what Andrew is doing.  Maybe have him burn his lips on the coffee in pain, then back the camera out into the streets where the homeless man is getting beaten up, then rewind to maybe the wife doing something not so pure.

Just an idea.

Overall, it did work and I did enjoy it, though.

- Mark


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colkurtz8
Posted: December 10th, 2008, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah there is loads of potential if you included some background & aftermath.

rc1107 made some good suggestions.



Revision History (1 edits)
colkurtz8  -  December 15th, 2008, 3:33am
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Tommyp
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Col.

Mark... I was thinking the only bits that would be in fast forward are him getting ready in the house. When he leaves the house, it's normal speed again.

You idea of having it all in fast foward is very interesting. I will think about it.

Your other idea is good too. Hmm, I might have to redo this one!

Thanks for reading it and giving advice! Glad you liked it.


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James R
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Tom. I liked this short, it was interesting. Well-paced, great dialog/VO's. I loved:


Quoted Text
You canít swim in your pool in heaven. You canít drive your car in hell.


I don't see how this could be an ad though, what would it be an ad for?

I liked the whole "He who dies with the most toys still dies" feel throughout. I thought it might be cool if most of it was filmed with quick cuts/fast forward and the cup falling off the ledge was in slow motion. I think it would capture the emotion really well.

I question the suicide, though. It might be better if the seemingly happy man actually is a happy man and his life is taken from him. I think it might fit the premise better than suicide. What do you think?

Overall, a good script.

James


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BryMo
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James R

I question the suicide, though. It might be better if the seemingly happy man actually is a happy man and his life is taken from him. I think it might fit the premise better than suicide. What do you think?

James


I actually agree with James. I think Suicide takes some effect away from it. Letting the idea of chance take over somehow puts another element in it for me. I think it would bring your story full circle. As is now its still nice though.

I like the art of this piece. Good writing that was a breeze to read. I enjoyed it


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Tommyp
Posted: December 20th, 2008, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hello James and BryMo. I don't know what it could be an ad for... so some sort of awareness thing? I'ts very vague I know. Just an idea!

Fast cuts is a good idea. I've thought lots about how this would actually look as a finished product, but I can't film it. And i'm not gonna include camera stuff in the script.

Ah, interesting. I will write another version without suicide. I think I would still include the homeless fella being bashed though.

Thanks for the read guys. Glad you liked it. The feedback is helpful.


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