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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rid of Guilt Moderators: bert
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 19th, 2008, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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Dogglebe

Concerning your "On the nose/rehearsed" comment: This is impression I wanted to give with Patrick's character & the exchange between them. He has been planning this for awhile, this is sort of a confession or last rites for him.

I tried to hint at the pre-meditated nature of Patrick's actions when he refers to the Mother & Son always getting this particular train, he knows where they are going & the fact that she works there too.

So it could be very possible that he has this rehearsed, he just needs an ear that will listen

Again the cheerfulness of Patrick was a) To throw people off, his motives come as a greater shock later on. b) This is the day he finally, as the title suggests Absolves himself from the guilt that has been hanging over him since the accident.

So believe it or not in his eyes this is a great day for him, he is genuinely happy. This is what he has been building up to, waiting for (to reference my earlier point on knowing the Mother & Son's routine) for some time now. With death comes peace.

Thanks for your comments, man. I'm disappointed in my self more then anything now that I didn't get convey this point better as its the central theme of the piece (the title is nearly too self explanatory as it is) & the “reasoning” (for want of a better word) behind Patrick's extreme decision.


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AlexNak
Posted: December 23rd, 2008, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Howard ,
I liked this script alot. I was sitting in the edge of my chair waiting for the outcome ...which I came to expect  before the end. Any reason why Patrick picks on Daniel to tell his story to. Is it chance or by ( Patrick's) design?

It would be a reasonable simple and relatively (low) cost  production to make this one.
Well Done.

Alex
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Cam17
Posted: December 25th, 2008, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Col,

This was a tight, sobering tale that really drew me in.  You get that ominous feeling that something bad is going to happen, but you aren't quite sure what.  For a short, I did get a good feeling about who this Patrick guy was: a blue-collar, hard-working guy most of his life who, through a set of horrible circumstances, was left emotionally shattered.

Because Patrick was certainly not in a normal frame of mind, I think this could easily explain his quick flitting of subject to subject.  He has major issues on his mind.  So, I personally had no problem with the sudden way in which the woman and child were introduced.  It only illustrates the internal maelstrom churning through this guy's head.

My only problem with this story was why exactly Patrick chose to kill himself right in front of the woman and child.  I understand he wanted to let the woman know how terribly guilty he felt.  But in a certain way, he's hurting her and the child even more by commiting such a gruesome suicide right in front of them(not to mention the emotional toll such an event would have on Daniel and the other witnesses.)

It almost seemed like a selfish final act for the guy to off himself in such a manner.  I'm not sure the woman would understand his intent.  Maybe she would take it as one last "slap in the face."

But overall, this was my favorite of the stories you have posted thus far.  Good job.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 25th, 2008, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Cam

Thank you for your comments. That is a fair point about Patricks's overall goal in doing this horrible, selfish act.

When he says:

PATRICK
She and all her family waged war
outside the prison when I was
being released...They wanted me to
rot in there.

This was to give the idea that regardless whether what Patrick says is true or not about the Woman & her family wanting vengeance it is definitely how he sees it. So in his current disturbed frame of mind he thinks this is what they want.

Even though we would like to believe that in reality she would not want things to have come to this no matter what grievance he inflicted upon them. Its open for debate I suppose.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 27th, 2008, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Me

Thank you for your comments. I actually only have become a member of MP in the past month, its a great site but I've yet to post anything, just reviewing as much as I can.

I like building a story, though I tend to take my time doing it sometimes as you've pointed out. I know I can over it.

Concerning your point about making her husband his wife's lover, Its not a bad idea but I don't think it will work as Patrick went drinking (& driving) right after he catches his wife cheating on him so it couldn't have crashed into him & anyway do you not think this would be WAY too coincidental??


"Also wish you'd stuck to present tense."

I don't under stand what you mean by that, can you elaborate?


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sniper
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col,

I liked this one a lot, though I was afraid you were gonna go the whole hitman-route for a moment there. It was a simple setup with a complete story that worked really well. I especially liked how the conversation very very gradually turned akward and somewhat menacing, the subtlety of it worked perfectly cos' you didn't force it down the readers throat. At that point I wasn't quite sure whether Patrick was gonna do something to Daniel and that was off-putting in a good way.

Patrick's backstory also worked. It was believable without being too melancholy. I eventually picked up that he was going to jump (when he starting breathing heavily) and I can quite make up my mind about whether or not it disappointed me that he actually told Daniel that he was going to jump. Part of me would've liked the surprise if he hadn't told Daniel though the other part of me understands why he told him.

All in all, a very solid effort.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the positive comments, your opinion is always valued.


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mcornetto
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Howard,

I thought this was pretty good, I enjoyed the read and had some compassion for the characters by the end.  But there is always room for improvement, right?

It takes a while to get going in the beginning, you could probably tighten things up a bit there considerably.  

I think some of the things you are telling us about Patrick's past could be shown to us in flashbacks.  It would be nice if you could break up the chatty nature of this script.  

Some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose - in particular the line where Patrick says he's going to jump in front of the train.

Just as an aside, I think it could be interesting if David actually knows the woman with the child and about what happened to her husband.  It could add some drama.

Finally, I think the ending is a bit sudden.  I need a bit more resolution.  I know what you were trying to do with it but it could use a bit more.  Not sure what exactly.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.  Good job.    
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Tommyp
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hello hello. I liked this script. It was good how the dialogue at the start was natural. Also how Daniel didn't say much. Because I think usually if some random comes up to you and starts talking, you don't talk to them like they are your mate, obviously.

I think you should cut lots of the action at the start out. Not needed.

The end. I don't know what you are trying to get across. Does the woman realise that Daniel was the one that jumped off, and that it was his way of saying he is sorry?

I liked it how you brought Daniel's job into the end dailogue.

Overall this was a good script. Few small things you could fix up, but I liked it. Well done.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 12th, 2009, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking the time to read this, guys.

Cornetto & Tommyp

- I see your point about the slow beginning I have been checked up on it before but thats kinda what I go for. (I agree however, it does get way over done since QT made it fashionable & I can get a little carried away)

Cornetto

- Personally I wouldn't be too keen on the "flashback" idea. I wanted this to start as a quiet, casual if a little strange meeting of two people & gradually elevate into something more sinister thus dramatic.

The flashback would draw too much attention away from this, distracting from the impending tragedy. I feel its more focused this way, everything taking place in the one location, but I appreciate the suggestion, thats what I come on to this (fu?kin' great) site for.


"in particular the line where Patrick says he's going to jump in front of the train."

A few others have touched on this, I see your point, I might rethink it.

I think having Daniel knowing the Mother & kid prior would be too coincidental, something I've been accused of before(and within reason) so I'm watching myself.

There is a six minute build up...in Patricks mind anyway. Its only sudden for the audience, which is what I intended(for good old fashioned drama if anything else.) But, Patrick, we take it has been building up the courage for awhile now.

But you see the train approaching, Patrick "braces himself", I think its on the cards at this point. If you didn't see it coming before that, I'll take it as a compliment, he he.

Tommyp

- In his own drastic & twisted way, that was Patrick's way of saying sorry but more so an extreme attempt at obtaining absolution. A sort of "we're even now" mentality.

This of course is all going through the mind (& making perfect sense) of a very unstable individual.

Afflictions: include 1) Killed a soon to be father (& husband) while drink driving after he caught his wife cheating on him 2) Done time 3) Daughter won't associate with him 4) No friends 5) No job.

Its safe to say, Paddy he has seen better days.

You can interpret the "does the Women realise" question any way you like. I was of the belief he wouldn't have registered with her before he jumped but either way its only a matter of time before she does find out who it is.

The looking at Daniel & then down at his hands is because Daniel had Patrick in his grip momentarily but let him go, some people would have seen this hence the stares. It is also reference to Patrick's earlier comment about Daniel's cushy office job resulting in "those pretty things" for hands.

Thanks again for the comments & suggestions, all taken on board & much appreciated.

Cheers.

Col.




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directoboy12
Posted: January 24th, 2009, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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This was really good, I agree that the first three pages weren't as interesting as the last four even though I think the set-up was necessary it could've had more  pizazz.  I really got into it when he first mentions killing her husband, its the kind of moment where the audience's heart skips a beat along with the character. I also enjoyed the sort of open ending you gave it, thanks for the good read.


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Directboy12

Cheers for taking the time to read this, glad you liked it. I'll check out "Cliff and Wendy" when I get a chance.

Col.


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BryMo
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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I'm always in the same position as Daniel. Strangers approaching me when i'm never eager to talk. And now, after reading this i'm afraid to be approached by strangers lol.

But, anyway, i liked this. It was quick, and seemed carefully calculated to slowly reveal tid bit by tid bit about Patrick.

Towards the end, i got a sense of edgy-ness since i really wanted to know where this was going. And the ending surely didn't dissapoint.

I did get the feeling that it would be wierd for Patrick to just come out and reveal all this info about himself to some stranger. But it also came off as if he'd been planning it for some time. And poor Daniel was just that guy he'd talk to.

Great job!

Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 27th, 2009, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Brymo

Thanks for the comments, much appreciate you taking the time. You seem to have understood the story (or my angle anyway) more then some, so thats always a bonus.

I'll check out one of yours when I get a chance.

Cheers

Col.



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Colkurtz8  -  January 28th, 2009, 11:56am
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Posted: March 26th, 2009, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Excellent! i liked this lots.
I'll get my gripes out the way first:
Dont think a train needs to pull up at beginning, the isolation and boredom at waiting would be highlighted more if they are waiting and waiting not even  feeling progress is being made.
On first read i thought his wife was cheating with the womens husband and he killed him delibarately, didnt make sense so i reread and followed it as it was meant to be, prob put that down to reading at work tho!

I thought this was so well written, wanting to know the odds was fantastic and the pressure he was under, might be good if he was on a "hurry, hurry you gotta tell me"  jumping on a "too late"
The looking at his hands at the end was brilliant, i read it as if he had workers hands he couldve have stopped him!

One of the best scripts ive read so far! Well done
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