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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rid of Guilt Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rid of Guilt  (currently 11530 views)
Colkurtz8
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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No problem, I appreciate your modesty. I'll check it out when I get the chance, its what this site is about after all.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  October 15th, 2009, 3:25pm
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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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I wondered if "Your Golden Years Await" would prove to be a one off - I have read scripts before that were good, and then nothing else the writer does matches it.

I needn't have worried - this is excellent.

For the most part, this finely written story kept me wondering where it was going - even at the end, I thought Daniel might save Patrick, or even, in a twist of fate, die trying to, leaving even more blood on his calloused hands!

I was once on a railway platform with a co-worker, waiting for a train, when she got cornered by someone not unlike Patrick, who insisted on talking to her as if she was someone he knew - though he didn't jump under a train (she came close to pushing him, I think!) - so the idea of Patrick walking up to Daniel (and the fact that Daniel had touched the lives of the woman and her child made this work) was totally believable for me.

Yes - this was another exceptionable piece.
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malcolm3
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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One of the best shorts I've seen on SS and anywhere else for that matter.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Howard, I enjoyed and liked this script very much (and I am usually very picky). It is very easy to follow and involving because you made us to anticipate something to happen. And you paid it off handsomely.

But I'll have to echo that one plot point about who Patrick's wife is cheating with. I was thinking she is cheating with that woman's husband all along until I read your explanation. To avoid the confusion, maybe you can use another incident to explain why Patrick was drunk driving?

One more thing: is there any connection between Daniel and Joe that they are both in actuary? Or is it just a coincident?

Overall, I think this is very well done. Good job!


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: September 29th, 2009, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Niles

Thank you for the kind remarks, funny how a friend of yours experienced something  similar, thankfully it didn't result in the same conclusion as here.

Malcolm

Wow, that is a compliment. Thanks for the read, although, and without meaning any disrespect), believe me when I say, there are far better scripts out there on this site alone. Thanks again for the taking the time t look at this and the encouraging words.

Coding

Many thanks or the read, always good to please a self proclaimed critic.

About the drink driving aspect, some have been confused by that too, unsure of who the victim was. I must admit, I never anticipated such a reaction. I said in a much earlier post that it would have been all too coincidental if Patrick had just happened to collide with the very man who was cheating with his wife. Plus, the impresssion Patrick gives is that he pressed the self destruct button straight away after finding out about his wife's affair so, meaning he walked in on them and then literally left the house, bought the booze and went for a joyride. So it wasn't premeditated a such, just a chain reaction, spur of the moment kind of thing that ended tragically. I'll look at it again an see about an atlernative motivation for Patrick's tortured state of mind.

The actuary thing was purely coincidental ( I knw I'm a hypocrite after my comment above) but I thought it would add an interesting parallel to both people. Plus it's a profession (as Daniel tries to explain before being cut short by Patrick) synonymous with risk assesments, probabilities, stats, etc.

Cheers for the reads, gents.

Col.


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purplefilms
Posted: October 2nd, 2009, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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I'm looking for short to produce. Please contact me at purplefilms@hotmail.com

thanks so much
Chi
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stiffler
Posted: October 15th, 2009, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey, good job, good descriptions, enjoyable read. I liked that Patrick killed the kids father. I didn's see it coming. However there is something off about Patrick and Daniels conversation. Patrick seemed to divulge his life story straight off. I think it may have helped if Daniel struck up the conversation, maybe Patrick would be staring at the tracks with a doom and gloom look on his face and daniel could ask if he was ok or something. Also maybe Patrick should be wearing some sort of peaked hat or something, as his face would be etched into the mothers mind forever and she would recognise him instantly unless he was conceiling his identity in some way. I loved the bit where he was asking about the odds of his survival. You could have milked that part a bit more, I would have enjoyed it. Good job tho sir, keep it up.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Stiffler

Thanks for the read and taking the time to comment. Good suggestion about Daniel starting up the conversation, it would really be a case of Daniel thinking "why did I bother" when Patrick begins to open up to him.

In my mind though when writing this though, is that Patrick has got this whole sequence pre-planned to a certain degree, in that his intention when reaching the platform is to find an innocent bystander, preferably someone on their own and get it all off his chest before going through with his final act, a sort of self justification.

Since he has been monitoring Linda's movements and knew she and Joseph catch the train at this time, maybe he has seen Daniel waiting too by himself and chose him as an ideal candidate for his final words. Sure, it all worked out so well, with the train coming right on time an all that but such is the nature of movies when attempting to generate something entertaining, exciting & cinematic. It’s not always going to be totally realistic or believable so a comprimise is always going to be made.

Glad you liked the odds of survival part, I was never too sure about it, I trusted it enough to leave it in but thought that some might find it too set up or contrived, thankfully others have made special mentions to it so I'm happy I left it in there.

Thanks again for the read.

Col.  


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electricsatori
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Rid of Guilt

Obviously the work of a well-crafted writer.

You’ve done what most screenwriters are unaware they need to do. You’ve given a reason for every detail in the story. Everything is a set up for something else, everything is tied together. I liked the subtle connection between the son’s tiny train and the larger train. The connection becomes ominous as the woman and son watch the larger train, unaware of Patrick, unaware of their past standing close to them.  

Even the smallest bit of dialogue has meaning as Patrick asks Daniel “I wanna hear some figures, Daniel...estimates, percentages. Tell me my odds here?” Daniel’s job ties into the story, giving significance to character.

FORMATTING:

Page 4: Patrick’s (O.S.) is unnecessary. If he is in the scene then (O.S.) is a directing cue, which doesn’t fit in a spec script.

Page 8: You do not need to capitalize ‘EDGE OF THE PLATFORM,’ unless you are using it as an action scene heading. And then it should be separated, almost like a scene heading. The same with GRASPS.
Sounds can be capitalized, but only if it is necessary. Other than that, first character appearances are the only other thing which should be capitalized.

For example:

Patrick makes a move towards the

EDGE OF THE PLATFORM

Daniel is quick to react. He takes a few steps before reaching out to grab him.

DANIEL GRASPS HIM

But only for a split second –-loses his grip.  




These also do not need to be capitalized.
PAGE 1: TOY TRAIN, SUIT, BRIEFCASE.
PAGE 4: HANDS.

You have a lot of wrylies in your script also, these should be used much more sparingly, mainly when the subtext of the dialogue is not clear. Action can be written as wryly if it is a few words and helps the flow.
Funny but true: The first thing actors do when they get a script is cross out all of the wrylies.

ALL IN ALL

I really enjoyed this piece. It was intelligently conceived with great execution.
I wonder if the writer could focus as much intention on a longer piece, say – a feature?
If so, I know I would want to read it.



DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Daniel

Thanks for the read, glad you liked it.

In relation to some of your points on formatting:

"Page 4: Patrick’s (O.S.) is unnecessary. If he is in the scene then (O.S.) is a directing cue, which doesn’t fit in a spec script."

-- Agreed, it is too specific for a spec. I envisaged a shot of Daniel's reaction/expression when Patrick is talking as being key moments in the unfolding of the two's encounter with one another and vice versa. But yeah, your right, that’s the director’s job. You know yourself though when you got it all mapped out in your head it can be difficult for it not to spill on the page.

"Page 8: You do not need to capitalize ‘EDGE OF THE PLATFORM,’ unless you are using it as an action scene heading. And then it should be separated, almost like a scene heading. The same with GRASPS.
Sounds can be capitalized, but only if it is necessary. Other than that, first character appearances are the only other thing which should be capitalized."

-- Yep, I find myself capitalising key actions, reactions or object at times for emphasis along with the standards like sound, character names, etc. It is something I've drastically cut down doing. This is an older draft you've read here, it has gone through numerous clean-ups since.

I do remember reading somewhere though where they were promoting the use of capitalisation saying it helps speed reading through long blocks of descriptive where the reader can pick out the key words which are in capitals but yeah like everything, in moderation.

I read P.T Anderson's original draft for Magnolia some years back and it had a sh?tload of capitals throughout, which got me into the habit in the first place. But as I said, I don't do it as much anymore.

Totally agree on the wrylies aspect too, again its something I've gradually weeded out of my writing. I've heard too that actors in general despise them and constantly hearing how completely and utterly frowned upon they are within the "industry". There are a time and a place for them within a script, just make sure that time and  place doesn't happen too often.

As regards a feature, I've never considered it but I do have an alternative draft written from some months back if you are interested in taking a look?

Thanks again for taking the time to read it, much appreciated.


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Craiger6
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col..

Little late to the party on this one as I see it's been reviewed pretty heavily.  Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it.  Pretty powerful stuff.  I was left wondering whether Daniel would say anything to the woman about Patrick or whether he would just decide to let sleeping dogs lie.  Good stuff.

Craig


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Craig

Thanks for the read. I'll leave the "what happened next" open to interpretation, although personally, I reckon he would probably say something...or maybe not.

"The Final Pawn" is on my reading list, I should get around to reading it in the coming days.

Cheers

Col.


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jimbob
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Howard

I liked this script alot. It had a someone that the audience could identify with in Daniel. Most of the dialogue tied together in the end.

I loved the way that the story unfolded. I remeber tarantino saying that he doesnt just throw twists around the place, he lets the story unfold, which I think youve done here quite well. You give the audience infomation and its up to them to put the pieces together.

Someone sharp enough may have guessed straight away that Patrick was gonna jump once he told daniel that he killed the sons father. I had an inkling at that stage which brought about tension throughout the rest of the dialogue.

The bit about Patrick seeing his wife f**cking some guy, and then patrick going out drunk and killing the sons father on the road didnt quite tie up the way the rest of the story did. Its quite possible that that could happen but it feels just a bit too random.

Maybe Patrick could have been just a drunk and a bum, who would constantly be drink driving until one day he ploughs into the sons father. I think that he'd feel alot more remorseful that way, and then want to kill himself to prove to the mother how sorry he was.

I kinda felt sorry for the guy finding his wife cheating on him and then killing someone on the road. How could things get any worse in one day!

Anyway I could go on about spelling mistakes and stuff but I couldnt care less. The story is more important to me and this was excellent.

John
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Takeshi
Posted: December 25th, 2009, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Gidday Col,

I thought this was a good tight script. I found the conversation between the characters very interesting and I liked the way the story played out. I was taken out of the story a bit at the start when you capitalized the word SUIT and a few other things that I didn't think required it. Also, when I read we can hear the train in the distance line I pretty much knew what was going to happen. However, I don't think the distant sound of the train would stand out as much in a film as it does on the page when you're reading the script.


As I didn't have a lot of to complain about with this I skimmed the comments of a few other readers and one the first criticisms that jumped out at me was the one about Patrick's story seeming too rehearsed and that he seemed too happy under the circumstances. I have to disagree with that because I'm sure Patrick would've gone through the story a million times in his head, so it's no wonder he had it down pat when he spoke to Daniel about it. I also agree with what someone said (maybe it was you) about the day someone commits suicide being the happiest day of their life. I've heard that a lot of people who've been depressed for long periods of time often seem a bit happier to others once they've committed themselves to the deed because it brings about a sense of relief.

However, I agree whole heartedly with the feedback you got from Michel when he said:


Quoted from michel

There, you first believe in his guiltiness and we feel really sorry for him. But his suicide erases all this and do not resolve anything of his guilt. At least, he gives the little boy years to spend on a shrink's couch.
Very often, suicide is a selfish act. Especially when you do it in front of people. So, we finally hate Patrick for this.


I thought a similar thing myself. First Patrick takes away the boy's father and then makes it up to him by letting the kid see him get creamed by a train? Not cool.
But in saying that Patrick is mentally and emotionally sick, so it's entirely plausible that his twisted logic could've led him to believe that he was doing the right thing. So I don’t have  a problem with it.

Anywho, I thought this was an interesting piece and I reckon it's good to go as is. So I hope you don’t pull it apart too much.    
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Jimbob

Thank you for the read and comments.

"The bit about Patrick seeing his wife f**cking some guy, and then patrick going out drunk and killing the sons father on the road didnt quite tie up the way the rest of the story did. Its quite possible that that could happen but it feels just a bit too random. "

-- Funny you should say this as some suggested that the person Patrick knocks should be the guy who he caught screwing his wife. My reply: Now that would be waaaaay to coincidental! I think it works as it is, in that, yeah your right, it is random for it to happen but definitely not beyond impossible. You think of the amount of people that are killed every week from drunk drivers all over the world, who’s to say that some of these aren't drinking to get over something or someone. I know for it to happen on the exact same night is very tragic but Patrick was in a fit of rage, purposely drank himself stupid, purposely drove the wrong way down a motorway, he was on a death wish but in the end it was he who survived and an innocent individual that perished. Forgive the hackneyed phrase but "stranger things have happened"

"Maybe Patrick could have been just a drunk and a bum, who would constantly be drink driving until one day he ploughs into the sons father. I think that he'd feel alot more remorseful that way, and then want to kill himself to prove to the mother how sorry he was."

-- I don't think that would make Patrick feel any way more remorseful or sympathetic. The fact that he was always doing it until finally fate caught up with him would make him more of a villain in his own eyes and everyone else’s or at least should anyway. Here we are led to believe that this may have been the only time Patrick drank and drove, he was driven (no pun intended) to it. Not that this absolves him or anything, Patrick has definitely committed a despicable act and there are no excuses but there is a certain tragedy to it which wouldn't be a factor if he had continuously broken the law until paying the ultimate price by taking someone’s life.

"I kinda felt sorry for the guy finding his wife cheating on him and then killing someone on the road. How could things get any worse in one day!"
-- Yeah, it sucks and in a way I'm happy you feel some pity for Patrick but in the end he was wrong in what he done and even more misguided in his perceived "solution" for his troubles.

Thank you again taking the time to read this and offer your opinions, duly noted.


Chris

Cheers for the read, man.

I thought this was a good tight script. I found the conversation between the characters very interesting and I liked the way the story played out. I was taken out of the story a bit at the start when you capitalized the word SUIT and a few other things that I didn't think required it. Also, when I read we can hear the train in the distance line I pretty much knew what was going to happen. However, I don't think the distant sound of the train would stand out as much in a film as it does on the page when you're reading the script.

-- I have revised this since this draft and taken out a lot of the capitalisation, it was a phase/habit I went through. Yeah, the sound of the impending train does set the alarm bells a ringin', I'm glad you are able to appreciate that this had to be included in the page thus essentially giving the game away but yeah, on screen it wouldn't preoccupy the audience as much.

"As I didn't have a lot of to complain about with this I skimmed the comments of a few other readers and one the first criticisms that jumped out at me was the one about Patrick's story seeming too rehearsed and that he seemed too happy under the circumstances. I have to disagree with that because I'm sure Patrick would've gone through the story a million times in his head, so it's no wonder he had it down pat when he spoke to Daniel about it. I also agree with what someone said (maybe it was you) about the day someone commits suicide being the happiest day of their life. I've heard that a lot of people who've been depressed for long periods of time often seem a bit happier to others once they've committed themselves to the deed because it brings about a sense of relief."

-- Naturally I'm chuffed to hear you say this. Yes, Patrick has this rehearsed, he has been planning it for some time (knowing that Linda and Joseph take this particular train being an indication of this) and of course in his warped mindset he believes he is doing the right thing, repenting his sins through self sacrifice while giving Linda what he thinks she wants.

"I thought a similar thing myself. First Patrick takes away the boy's father and then makes it up to him by letting the kid see him get creamed by a train? Not cool.
But in saying that Patrick is mentally and emotionally sick, so it's entirely plausible that his twisted logic could've led him to believe that he was doing the right thing. So I don’t have a problem with it."

-- While in the smallest degree I feel some sympathy for Patrick, overall it’s a truly horrible thing he has done both his reaction to catching his wife and jumping in front of the train. Anybody who has testified to hating Patrick after reading the script, I have no issues with, it is totally understandable and essentially I feel the same way about him. As I said, in his own wayward thinking he is doing the honourable thing. So while I completely agree with people despising Patrick, I don't think it’s a big mystery or confusing as to why he goes through the whole confession with Daniel before killing himself.

Thanks again for your comments, I'm glad you liked it. I won't be pulling this apart, the draft has really only changed superficially since the time I wrote it, mainly technical stuff within the actual writing. I do have an alternative draft that adopts a non-linear approach to the story with some significant changes but this draft will be staying pretty much as it is.

Let me know if you have anything of yours you want me to read, I would be more than happy to take a look.

Cheers.

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  December 31st, 2009, 12:26pm
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