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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rid of Guilt Moderators: bert
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razi
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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superb full stop! .

I liked it. This is what  one has to realize if u want your story to be filmed while writing a short it has to be a low budget script.

I could see the 3 Act structure ... least amount of exposition ... a wacky protagonist .. i loved the way u ended it ... as a reader i wanted to stop him from jumping lol.

A job well done


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Razi

Thank you for the read and kind words.

If you have anything up on the boards, let me know.

Col.


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bert
Posted: January 1st, 2010, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Happy New Year, colonel.  I do not think I have ever read one of your works.  Have I?

I forget, but then, I have been quite lax in my reading of late. One of my resolutions is to read more, and I will likely knock out a few today between bowl games -- as my head is pounding too hard to accomplish much else.

This script keeps popping up enough that I figure there must be something there.  I have only glanced at previous comments -- I at least glance at pretty much everything -- enough to glean that reviews have been generally positive.

Upon opening, if 7:54 a.m. is important, that should be a SUPER.  But I do not think it is that important.  In fact, I am not even sure that whole opening, exterior shot is necessary.  I would start inside the train station -- or perhaps on a steaming train.  Something loud and visual.  

Then you catch one of my peeves when you introduce Daniel.  You say his suit is "expensive-looking."  Well, is it expensive or isn�t it?  You are the writer, you decide.  Just say that his suit is expensive and conserve the additional words.

Along these same lines, I am not sure why it is important to note that the toy train strikes Daniel's right foot.  Just say his foot.  Again, conserving words; again, simply nitpicking -- but plucking out all of the unnecessary words really does smooth thing up.  It is just something to look for while composing future works.

And then I just decided to read the remainder and stop nitpicking.  You have a nice kernel of a story, colonel, with an odd reveal that comes at the right time.  I like it when Patrick begins asking about his odds of survival.  That is a nice, ironic twist.

If I would change anything, I would try to make Daniel's discomfort early in the story a little more palpable.  Many scripts incorporate the "guy comes out of nowhere and strikes up a conversation" scenario, and they always strike me as artificial -- as this only occurs in movie world.  It would be nice for once to have one of these characters say something like, "What is your deal?  Why are you even talking to me?" You do make Daniel a little put out with Patrick's intrusiveness, but maybe you do not take it quite far enough.

Also, if this were mine, I would change the very, very end.  Instead of having the little boy shielded by his mother, I would have him sitting on the platform playing with his train, oblivious in the way only children can be.  Rolling his train back and forth or something -- I am not sure -- but bringing that toy train back into the story somehow, for sure.

Hope I have given you a little to think on.  I enjoyed your story, and though I do tend to ramble when I am in the right mood, I really only do that on scripts that seem to show promise, as does this one. Keep on the good work, col.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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Bert

And many happy returns to you too, sir.

I don't think I've had the honour before I'm grateful that you took the time to check it out.

I wouldn't worry about the nitpicking, mainly because I can't really argue about the points you brought up You're correct on all counts.

"In fact, I am not even sure that whole opening, exterior shot is necessary.  I would start inside the train station -- or perhaps on a steaming train.  Something loud and visual."

-- While I think this is an interesting idea, and a great energetic even startling visual to start the piece, I wanted things to be as calm and idyllic as possible in the beginning. This extends to Daniel's meeting with Linda and Joseph to Patrick's initial small talk (although he does openly admit to drink driving quite early, he says it in an almost jocular tone and doesn't reveal the true implications of it until later on) which is chirpy, seemingly in good spirits before his ramblings take a dark turn and build gradually to the climax.

I feel having a loud, noisy, moving train as a n opening image (although more dramatic) may be a bit too ominous of what’s to come, particularly in hindsight after having read the script. I did toy with such an intro as you've mentioned but opted to go for a peaceful establishing shot first to start things nice and innocent. Great suggestion all the same though.

"If I would change anything, I would try to make Daniel's discomfort early in the story a little more palpable.  Many scripts incorporate the "guy comes out of nowhere and strikes up a conversation" scenario, and they always strike me as artificial -- as this only occurs in movie world.  It would be nice for once to have one of these characters say something like, "What is your deal?  Why are you even talking to me?" You do make Daniel a little put out with Patrick's intrusiveness, but maybe you do not take it quite far enough."

-- Your right or course, these scenarios are ten-a-penny and nine times out of ten Daniel would tell him where to go or just walk away himself. I tried to give the impression that Daniel was a friendly guy, just being nice and playing along. He does make a few gesture to indicate that he thinks Patrick is for the birds but stays quiet out of common courtesy. Plus, since he exchanged some pleasantries with Linda previously it may have got him in the humour to put up with someone like Patrick he wouldn't normally tolerate. But yeah, in reality, this conversation wouldn't have gotten past Patrick's unprovoked DUI confession.

"Also, if this were mine, I would change the very, very end.  Instead of having the little boy shielded by his mother, I would have him sitting on the platform playing with his train, oblivious in the way only children can be.  Rolling his train back and forth or something -- I am not sure -- but bringing that toy train back into the story somehow, for sure."

-- Another good suggestion that would work well. One of the last images I showed before Patrick dashes for the edge was Joseph holding his replica up to the real thing. I thought that would be enough to get the point across as when Patrick does makes contact I would imagine the shock followed by realisation followed by hysteria would ripple through the crowd within a matter of seconds. A mother's instincts in such an environment whether she knew the cause of it or not would be to hold her child close. It would seem rather negligent of her to stare bugged eyed along with everyone else in Daniels direction while her son sat wheeling his toy, unattended.

Having said that, it could strengthen the ending to maybe mention the toy train in Joseph's hands as Linda holds him close. Or perhaps it falls out onto the platform again when she reaches out to him.

Thanks again for the helpful tips, Bert. Let me know if you have anything you'd like me to read. I would love to take a look.

Cheers

Col.


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ajr
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Col,

Wow, you certainly got plenty of advice on this one!  I stopped reading through the suggestions so I don't know if anything I say was covered already.

Good little story. I think you hid Patrick's intention well enough so his actions do come as a bit of a surprise.

It seems most people here have concentrated on Daniel's interaction with the wife and child. I would like to see more from Daniel once he realizes what Patrick intends to do. Is he the type of person who would be calm, or hysterical? Is he confident he can save Patrick, or does he flail around helplessly looking for someone else to intervene?

In other words I wouldn't rush the jump.  Also I felt sort of flat at the ending. Patrick got what he wanted, the wife has a different brand of justice, and Daniel, though likely horrified at what he saw, gets to go to work, no harm done, so to speak. It's almost like the confidence Patrick showed in him did not manifest itself in any way - almost like Daniel could have witnessed this and been just as affected, or unaffected, if Patrick did not approach him.

I think someone (Mike Shelton) inquired about Daniel pushing Patrick? For me, one way to tie all the interaction together would be to have someone accuse Daniel of doing it. Or maybe as Patrick jumps, and as Daniel loses his grip on him, he slides off with Daniel's prized watch, or ring - something of sentimental value that Daniel loses as well.

Just some thoughts - well done as always!

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony

Thank you for taking the trouble to read this. You had some interesting reactions to it.

"It seems most people here have concentrated on Daniel's interaction with the wife and child. I would like to see more from Daniel once he realizes what Patrick intends to do. Is he the type of person who would be calm, or hysterical? Is he confident he can save Patrick, or does he flail around helplessly looking for someone else to intervene?"

-- That is a valid query and the way the piece stands it not really answered. Exploring Daniel's character however would take this off in a whole different direction where I never planned on going. Although Daniel is the first person we see and he features in the opening dialogue I think it’s pretty clear by the conclusion that the focus of the story has shifted considerably. I liked that idea of starting off with one person who is presumably the protagonist before he/she ultimately becomes a periphery part of the plot.

I think given the nature of the situation, with everything happening so quick, we never really get to see the possible effects this might have on him. I always wanted to end it at the moment when Patrick jumps, so I guess we'll never know. From his general persona in the preceding conversation, his growing unease around Patrick I would imagine it would have a big effect on him. Whether he will tell Linda of what he has heard is another thing.

"In other words I wouldn't rush the jump.  Also I felt sort of flat at the ending. Patrick got what he wanted, the wife has a different brand of justice, and Daniel, though likely horrified at what he saw, gets to go to work, no harm done, so to speak. It's almost like the confidence Patrick showed in him did not manifest itself in any way - almost like Daniel could have witnessed this and been just as affected, or unaffected, if Patrick did not approach him."

-- I see what you mean, in that everything sort of plays out as intended but that’s the helplessness of it all. That Patrick has this twisted goal, who Daniel was merely an innocent bystander for him to divulge his closing words to. I tried to contain the drama in Patrick's gradual reveal as this screwed up, down and out guy who has never fully recovered from that faithful day in his life…and now never will. By the end, its Patrick’s story, in a way, Patrick’s swansong. Of course this is what’s going on in his disturbed mind frame and outlook on the whole situation, to us it is a despicable act of selfishness.

Although I don't think Linda, even if she did want him dead would derive any kind of justice from this. In her heart of hearts maybe but I reckon the trauma and implication of such a thing would be far stronger than any form of satisfaction that Patrick thinks she will gain. Also I don't envisage Patrick would just "gets to go to work, no harm done" after something like this, he will be or should be in some way deeply affected by what’s happened and the part he had in it. Again it all happens so quick that we never get a chance to fully comprehend it, nor does Daniel. As I said, this is Patrick's story, his decision, the final shots were to (try to) highlight what he has left in his wake.

"I think someone (Mike Shelton) inquired about Daniel pushing Patrick? For me, one way to tie all the interaction together would be to have someone accuse Daniel of doing it. Or maybe as Patrick jumps, and as Daniel loses his grip on him, he slides off with Daniel's prized watch, or ring - something of sentimental value that Daniel loses as well."

-- This is what I attempted and probably failed to imply in the closing shots. The script pretty much ends in the immediate aftermath of Patrick's jumps, I realize there is a hell of a LOT of looking around between Patrick and his own feeble hands loosing grip, the exchanges between him and Linda and between him and the rest of the crowd. I wanted to give the impression that they could well possibly think what Mike suggested, including Linda. It's only after, should Daniel decide to share his experience will the truth come out and the connection it has with Linda. Like anything of this short length, a certain amount is going to be unexplored, open ending and left to interpretation.


Thanks again for your questions and suggestions. They could be very easily incorporated to provide a more fully explained, well rounded piece but like I said, I never planned to develop this past what you see here.

I have written an alternative draft which features scenes from the night before but it essentially covers the same plot except its told via three non linear time lines.

Cheers one again for the comments, Anthony, and please forgive my inane waffling if you were bothered enough to read it. Peace.

Col.


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smug
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Very impressed,

good twist and would be easy to film.

I will be definatly reading more of your work.


Brendan
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Colkurtz8
Posted: February 17th, 2010, 4:22am Report to Moderator
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Brendan

Thank you for taking the time to read this, glad you got something from it. Yeah, it would be an easy one to produce and I have had queries relating to it but you know yourself, don't hold your breath for something to actually happen.

Let me know if you have anything else on the boards besides "The Lads". I'll check it out.

P.s. - I love your no nonsense username  

Regards

Col.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 18th, 2010, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Alex, if you're reading this I foolishly deleted your email by mistake before taking note of your address. Can you please resend it.


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Mr.Z
Posted: July 11th, 2010, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Very good stuff, Col.

I liked the characters' disctinct voices, I liked the dark ending, and how much tension you packed into this little moment.

My only "grip" is that the story takes a little long to take off. I guess you need to establish the woman and her son, but I don't know if it's neccesary to have Daniel interact with them. I'd say the same about the establishing shot of the city.

Or maybe it's just me. I do have a very short attention span.

Anyhow, I'm just nitpicking. This was a solid piece indeed. Good job.  


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cloroxmartini
Posted: July 11th, 2010, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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I guess trying to get rid of guilt that way is the point here. Seems that maybe the woman would have seen him. Maybe she's seen him a lot and just doesn't care any more to look his way. The suspense was okay...I kind of figured out he was going to off himself, but visually I still think it would have been shocking. Maybe that's it, it's just shocking. And sad. People choose to deal with things in different ways.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 12th, 2010, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Matias

I appreciate you taking the time, glad you got something from it.

I know what you're saying about taking too long to get going, I get that a lot, being a self indulgent prick has that effect on your writing.

I wanted a bystander like Daniel though, someone who Patrick could relay his last rites (if you will) to. A device whereby he can inform the reader of his story and what has led to this situation. Yep, expository as hell but it makes a change from the standard V.O while emotionally incorporating a third party like Daniel, upping the dramatic stakes a notch. Also, I hoped to leave the reader wondering will Daniel tell Linda what Patrick said or just let her find out for herself the significance of the man who has just jumped.

I'm thinking at that moment in time she wouldn't know it was Patrick, it would all happen too fast for her to register it. I guess she would find out later when it made the news or, of course if Daniel decided to divulge his experience immediately prior to the incident.

Cheers for your comments.



Clorox

Thanks for the read.

The woman wouldn't have spotted him, I imagined it to be a big platform where he could easily blend in with the crowd. Its rush hour also so a lot of people would be commuting to work, school, etc. I did say that Linda and her son take their places at the end of the platform after talking to Daniel but I shoulda detailed the magnitude of the platform itself a bit more.

Your dead right about how people deal with their troubles in different ways. Some people who've read this have had big problems with Patrick doing what he done but that's just it, in his messed up mind-frame he is absolving himself while thinking he's doing Linda a big favour, really proving his remorse to her. Of course, he's way off the mark, this will only be a source of trauma for them rather then relief or happiness, but Patrick, in his state, isn't looking at it that way.

Thanks again to both of you for checking it out.

Col.


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chelsea
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Howard.

Just gave this a read and found it to be slick, intelligent and real. Maybe it's just me, but I seem to attract the 'Patrick's' of this world and have had many conversations along the lines of your script.

You are a very good writer and kept the pace going nicely. I know comment has been made that Patrick is a little verbose but it's really HIS story so I thought it worked.

Anyhow, good job. Enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of yours.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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khamanna
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Howard,

Just read this and really liked it. I felt the characters and Patrick came alive for me. Wondering if Patrick could start with "I killed an actuary once" at the start of his story... But it's your story, don't listen to me

Maybe you could cut some stuff at the beginning to get to the heart of the story faster. maybe not. Just to make it even better - I really enjoyed what you have here. Couldn't pull away from it.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna

Thank you for taking the time. Yeah, this could be probably be cut a little, I haven't looked at it in many a moonshine though. I wrote an alternative draft also which I might post on here sometime.

Cheers again for the read, really appreciate it.

Col.


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