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Very solid read, engaging, well paced and efficient. I was about a page ahead of you on Patrick's death, but you caught up fast. I was pleasantly surprised you didn't hold onto your twist until the very end. I feel that's a trap most of the time, being too precious with your twists. Laying it out for interesting characters to confront, much more fun for me.
You could do a dialogue trim and perhaps punctuate with more awkward silences. I can see those silences filled with trains whooshing by, I dig that. Perhaps Patrick could happily announce his recent parole, that's awkward for sure. Speaking of it like graduating school or something, just a thought. Keep up the great work!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Thanks for the read, delighted you liked the placement of the reveal and it worked for you. Yeah, as I've acknowledged in previous posts this could do with a trim here and an edit there. Although the alternative draft I've written is 12 pages there’s is a lot more going on with it in that the same event is seen through three different perspectives over three separate timelines.
Thanks for the suggestions too, duly noted, I'll take them into consideration when I go to rewrite this.
Let me know if you have anything you want me to read and comment on.
Howard, this is a nice little hidden gem in the SS archives. I knew pretty much from the moment he appeared that the older guy was going to jump in front of the train. Let's just say I've been there with one of my own scripts. But the rest came as a surprise.
You definitely have opened up a can of possibility here with the surprise conclusion. I'm tempted to think that this was not your original intent when you began writing. It's just where the story happened to take you, which is perhaps the coolest thing about shorts. There are a lot of things you could do with that if you wanted to open up this story again. But as it is, still a more than solid effort.
I read it, as promised. I've noticed a 9 1/2 year gap between comments, so you may not even read this, which is understandable.
I thought it was a great read and flowed well. "..if someone come up to me on a train platform and started random chatting like in your story, I would be shuffling and side stepping as far away as possible...." - previous comment. IT IS SO TRUE!!!
"..if someone come up to me on a train platform and started random chatting like in your story, I would be shuffling and side stepping as far away as possible...." - previous comment. IT IS SO TRUE!!!
- I know, big time. Although, a few of us have probably been in situations similar to this (random strangers making random conversation) yet hung around longer than we should've out of politeness. I tried to show Daniel being weirded out but stopping short of actually walking away. Patrick lures him in with a cheerful demeanour and small talk before getting serious. I reckon it's a combination of curiosity and fear of causing offense that keeps Daniel there...Oh, and to facilitate the story of course
I loved this one! A little confusing timeline, especially towards the end. The characters are very interesting, so are the dialogues. You hooked me by revealing the story gradually. I'm sure you will find a producer for this one (unless it already happened), Marcela
Recently I was listening to a radio program about how different people react to a stressful situation. There were different guests on the show.
One girl, she sounded rather young, had an experience on (don't remember if it was a sky train or a subway) but she and her fellow travellers were watching as a guy was seriously considering jumping. But, no one did anything.
The girl said that that left a lasting impression on her and she always felt so guilty. Even though the guy never jumped. He went into the next car or something.
She said she now has something set on her phone to a suicide hotline and also has done volunteer work in that regard.
I thought it was strange how this was resurrected very soon after hearing that true story...
That, and recently watching again, (a show I thought was done very well) The Taking of Pelham 123...
So yes, I think this is well done.
In filming this, (I don't know much about that aspect but I'm learning)...
I would pay attention to a lot of little details. So... Maybe you can build them into your script.
And go from those little details to wider and larger shots. And then...
When you're back down to where (sorry forgot the name) the Listener Guy tries to save him, you're in that teeny tiny shot mode. Maybe the Listener Guy winds up saving something small that the guy was holding. He was that close to saving him.
So yes... I think: try and work with more cinematics in your writing descriptions. Show the onlookers faces. Even maybe "almost" someone tries to help but backs down.
This lack of helping is apparently a real phenomena. It might be that your script could really help someone some day-- make us all more aware.
Recently I was listening to a radio program about how different people react to a stressful situation. There were different guests on the show.
One girl, she sounded rather young, had an experience on (don't remember if it was a sky train or a subway) but she and her fellow travellers were watching as a guy was seriously considering jumping. But, no one did anything.
The girl said that that left a lasting impression on her and she always felt so guilty. Even though the guy never jumped. He went into the next car or something.
She said she now has something set on her phone to a suicide hotline and also has done volunteer work in that regard.
I thought it was strange how this was resurrected very soon after hearing that true story...
- That's interesting. Thankfully, I've never been in such a situation as you describe or the one depicted in the script but yeah, it seems from empirical evidence that humans tend to freeze in moments of high stress. Very counter intuitive. C'mon, evolution, sort it out!
In filming this, (I don't know much about that aspect but I'm learning)...
I would pay attention to a lot of little details. So... Maybe you can build them into your script.
- Yeah, I'm the same. I've had one short filmed but I wasn't present on set for production. Although this is ostensibly a producible film with minimal locations and characters, the key moment you speak of would require some skill to shoot effectively I think.
When you're back down to where (sorry forgot the name) the Listener Guy tries to save him, you're in that teeny tiny shot mode. Maybe the Listener Guy winds up saving something small that the guy was holding. He was that close to saving him.
- That's a good suggestion, thanks. I do focus on the minutiae of Daniel gripping Patrick's hand momentarily before losing it (which ties into Patrick dismissive comments earlier about his soft white collar hands) but I never thought of him actually grasping an object of significance. Something to consider.
So yes... I think: try and work with more cinematics in your writing descriptions. Show the onlookers faces. Even maybe "almost" someone tries to help but backs down.
- Yeah, I mention briefly the shocked faces of onlookers so I don't know if I need to do more in that regard. One person making an attempt to intervene could work but I imagine something like this would happen so quick that you wouldn't have time to react unless you were anticipating it.
This lack of helping is apparently a real phenomena. It might be that your script could really help someone some day-- make us all more aware.
- That's a nice idea, I guess I'm more cynical than you as I was looking at it more from Patrick's perspective and pain.This is really his story. That a person so far gone would believe what he is doing will make anyone feel better.
Thanks again for taking the time and yes this is an old chestnut on here
I'm checking back in to SS for the first time in a few years, and who do I see on top of the thread!? Just like old times.
I just gave this a read. I really like where you went with this. I wasn't sure what Patrick's deal was off the bat, but as he kept talking, I felt an impending sense of dread. As he wove his story, I began to realize what was going on. And the ending was a nice little shocker. I wasn't sure if you were actually gonna go there.
Nice, tense moments. Great pacing. Clean, professional feel. (I'm sure you already know all this, seeing as this script isn't a spring chicken.)
I really like where you went with this. I wasn't sure what Patrick's deal was off the bat, but as he kept talking, I felt an impending sense of dread. As he wove his story, I began to realize what was going on. And the ending was a nice little shocker. I wasn't sure if you were actually gonna go there.
Yeah, there is a straightforwardness to this that I tinkered around with in the alternative draft that’s also on here. Guy turns up. Starts talking to stranger. Tells his story. Commits suicide. The End. It’s pretty dark and blunt. I tried to incorporate some little details here and there to enrich it and hoped that it would unfold gradually so the reader won’t know Patrick's intentions until Daniel realises and it’s too late.