SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Home - Movie Scripts - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 20th, 2014, 6:10pm
Please login or register.
Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the rules that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. The October One Week Challenge theme and genre have been announced. Scripts will be due October 24th at 11:59 pm edt.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  William's Wishes Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    William's Wishes  (currently 1024 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 24th, 2009, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
9755
Posts Per Day
1.94
William's Wishes by James Redd - Short - William is an angst-ridden teen who is granted three wishes by an atypical genie. What would you wish for if you hated everyone? (7 pages) - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



No matter where you go, there you are.
--Buckaroo Bonzai
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
dogglebe
Posted: January 25th, 2009, 1:56am Report to Moderator
Blue


I'm seeing red right now!

Location
on the couch
Posts
8357
Posts Per Day
2.82
The premise of this script was really good; it really made me interested in reading it.

The story didn't really deliver though.  Instead of a story about a person really weighing in the possibilities of his options.  Intead, you give us a story about--



SPOILER SPACE



zombies.

END SPOILER SPACE

I have to wonder if you were making this up as you went along.

Again, great premise.  It's actually one that I imagine people talking about.  What would I do if I was William.



Phil


The Devil's Jokebook††
An ancient relic disappears.††And Heaven and Hell will fight to get it back.


Finalist, Shriekfest Horror Film Festival screenplay competition.
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 24
James R
Posted: January 27th, 2009, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
231
Posts Per Day
0.09
Thanks, Phil. Thanks for hatin' on me.

Quoted from dogglebe
The premise of this script was really good; it really made me interested in reading it.

Glad you liked it, sorry I twisted you up into--



SPOILER SPACE ALSO

zombies.

END SPOILER SPACE ALSO



Quoted from dogglebe
Again, great premise.  It's actually one that I imagine people talking about.  What would I do if I was William.

Well I'm glad you liked the premise at least.

James

PS - not an excuse, but in my defense I wrote this during the 2WC.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 24
Angry Bear
Posted: January 28th, 2009, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Bark For Me!!!

Location
The Swamp...
Posts
4961
Posts Per Day
2.04
I thought it was pretty good.

The writing was solid and I liked the story too.

The only weakness IMO was the ending. Not that the zombies were bad or anything, it just felt the story petered out. You did so well with the rest of the story that I was expecting a more clever ending. Other than that I thought it was good. Don't really have anything else to complain about.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 24
James R
Posted: January 29th, 2009, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
231
Posts Per Day
0.09
Thanks for reading Pia. Sorry the ending didn't get you either.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 24
Angry Bear
Posted: January 29th, 2009, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Bark For Me!!!

Location
The Swamp...
Posts
4961
Posts Per Day
2.04
I just thought it needed a bit more of a surprise or punch. Like I said, you did so well up until the end that you had me expecting something more.

You did good though.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 24
jayrex
Posted: February 1st, 2009, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


I can't see the positives through the negativity

Location
London, UK
Posts
1083
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hello James,

I thought you have a good script here and like the others have said the ending needs to be altered.

Maybe you could have some sort of conflict in the very beginning to add spice at the end.

From the genie's perspective, I'm not sure if she would wish everyone to be dead.  It kinda defeats the purpose of her being around and after three wishes she would go back into her lamp and never come back.  This would set up a conflict of wishes between William and the genie.  Although your genie stays out.

I've always wanted to do a genie story.

Overall, it was a good story that needs conflict to make this story go full circle.

All the best,


Javier


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 24
James R
Posted: February 2nd, 2009, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
231
Posts Per Day
0.09
Javier, thanks for the comments. The first ending was actually William going home and taking out his mother first (I changed it to an unnamed zombie, though some may have still gotten the impression that it was his mother). I just couldn't leave it in, not sure why. I had the genie come back and destroy the lamp to show that she was finally done being a genie since zombies are not smart enough to make wishes. I gues nobody liked that ending, though.

Can't wait to read your genie story!

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 24
tonkatough
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 3:12am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Australia
Posts
744
Posts Per Day
0.24
Hey I thought this script was top stuff.

As an old time Dungeons & Dragons role player, I totally clicked with the gag of your premise.

Yes, word wish at your own risk is always a classic.

Just when you had me laughing, you throw in willam's third wish that made me almost fall out of my chair with more laughter.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 24
steven8
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 4:41am Report to Moderator
Green


You're never alone...

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
848
Posts Per Day
0.47
I loved it.  The genie is out of a job.  No one to make wishes anymore, seeing as William used up his alotment.  Very cool.

Question, though. . .how did the zombies gain the ability to fly?  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 24
JonnyBoy
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 8:14am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
London, England
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.46
Hey James, I enjoyed this. As others have said, while the initial premise is a good one, and I actually liked the ending with the genie freeing herself, I think the story sort of just...happened. Maybe just a little more thought from William. That part - his actual wishing - was a little rushed.

I also have to agree with Steven - since when could zombies fly?

Thanks,

Jon


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 24
James R
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
231
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey, Tonka. Thanks for reading, glad you liked it.

Quoted from tonkatough
Just when you had me laughing, you throw in willam's third wish that made me almost fall out of my chair with more laughter.  

Whoa, maybe you should install a seatbelt in that chair. I'm glad you liked it but I don't want any injuries sustained as a result of reading my script. I have never heard the term "word wish" but it sounds interesting. Elaborate?


Quoted from steven8
Question, though. . .how did the zombies gain the ability to fly?

The genie gave them the ability to fly so that William would not survive, freeing her from her position since zombies are too dumb to make wishes. Kind of like Aladdin but instead of a schizophrenic blue genie we get a sarcastic black-leather-clad hottie. I just thought of this, but she'll probably die now too because she doesn't have her genie powers any more. cr**.

Hey, Jon, glad you enjoyed it. The idea came to me on my hour-long commute with no radio to work one morning. The wishes came first, then William developed from there. I guess I could make more conversation between the genie and William but wouldn't that start to drag? We want to get to the wishes, baby! And as soon as the first wish is made the rest kind of has to be rushed, right? Who knows...

Thanks, all.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 24
Breanne Mattson
Posted: February 8th, 2009, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1470
Posts Per Day
0.44
I think this had a good premise. I agree with some of the others that it didnít fully deliver. It seemed a bit lost as to what direction to go.

It starts off strong, with a cynical edge to it right from the very first line of description. The banter between William and the genie was good. Then it seemed to begin to get lost a little right around the second wish.

It seemed odd to me that William would use the word undead, particularly knowing how important word choice was at that time. As soon as I heard the word, I knew what was coming. If thereís some way to finagle the language so it wonít be so obvious...I donít know though, it may work on film. It may fly by before anyone has a chance to rationalize it.

William wishing to fly was an interesting choice, given the situation. It works insofar as provoking interest from the reader to see where this is heading. But the flying zombies came off to me as sort of a reverse deus ex machina. Instead of coming out of nowhere to save our hero, it popped up expressly to destroy him. And it brings the whole story into question; if the genie can just add whatever she wants to someoneís wish, she should be able to easily destroy her master. I mean, why not just make the zombies faster from the second wish so they could destroy William before he could make a third wish?

So for me the ending basically undermined the entire story. That aside, I still think the premise of the genie manipulating someoneís own flaws to achieve her own personal goal is a damn good idea and it was an entertaining story.

The writing is good. About the only piece of advice I could give you there is that I think you could use sentence fragments to conserve space a little more. Other than that, you have your own voice and it reads well.


Breanne



Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 24
tonkatough
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 1:40am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Australia
Posts
744
Posts Per Day
0.24
"word wish at your own risk" As in wording a wish, selecting the right words for your wish so you get exactly what you want.

That's what I meant

"I wish everyone was dead" is not a smart thing to say to a genie who will grant you a wish. Niether is saying "I wish for a hot chick or a sexy bit of pussy" for obvious reason.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 24
dogglebe
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 1:48am Report to Moderator
Blue


I'm seeing red right now!

Location
on the couch
Posts
8357
Posts Per Day
2.82

Quoted from JonnyBoy
Hey James, I enjoyed this. As others have said, while the initial premise is a good one, and I actually liked the ending with the genie freeing herself, I think the story sort of just...happened. Maybe just a little more thought from William. That part - his actual wishing - was a little rushed.


In an episode of the X-Files, Mulder found a genie in a lamp (a rolled up area rug, actually) who granted him three wishes.  The first two ended up being reversed because of the whole monkey-paw thing.  For Mulder's third wish, he wrote it down.  IIRC, it was about twenty pages long, making sure it wouldn't him in on the A**.


Phil


The Devil's Jokebook††
An ancient relic disappears.††And Heaven and Hell will fight to get it back.


Finalist, Shriekfest Horror Film Festival screenplay competition.
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 24
tonkatough
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 2:00am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Australia
Posts
744
Posts Per Day
0.24
monkey-paw thing? can you please explain that Phil? I have never heard of the expression and I am intrigiued.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 24
BryMo
Posted: February 9th, 2009, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Orlando
Posts
234
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey James,

I liked where you were going and i loved the idea. But the zombiess really threw me for one giant loop. They came out of nowhere and while i thought the last wish would take care of them, the kid wishes to FLY?!? In my opinion, whatever that kid gets he deserves lol.

Also, since when has a zombie learned to fly? Was that an extra thing the genie added at the last minute to get rid of the kid? Becuase if it was, why didn't she do it sooner?

I do also like the idea of a genie destroy its commander. (Something to think about)

Basically i do think it started off strong, but along maybe the second wish things started going off course a tad. Then came the last wish, where the story became completely different. You realy know how to write well, so i think some time away from the story would do some good. Come back later and explore the ideas you've developed even further.

Good luck.

Bryan


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 24
directoboy12
Posted: February 10th, 2009, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
Red


We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?

Location
Michigan
Posts
91
Posts Per Day
0.02
This ended completely different than I thought it was going too, which sometimes can be a good thing, but here it's a bad thing, it is to haphazard, like zombies for the sake of zombies not for the sake of elevating the story to a new level. I think if the zombies where their just briefly it would have been a lot better. That being said everything before page four is solid, very well written. I think the ending needs to be tightened up. All the best.
-Tanner


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 17 - 24
James R
Posted: February 12th, 2009, 11:36am Report to Moderator
Purple


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
231
Posts Per Day
0.09
Sorry I haven't gotten back to everyone about comments. I just moved and have had a very stressful week. Advice: never move. Stay where you are forever. Unless you live in a craphole. If that's the case - move close by, but not to another craphole.

Thanks for reading, Breanne. And for the in-depth review, you had a lot of good comments.


Quoted from Breanne
It starts off strong, with a cynical edge to it right from the very first line of description. The banter between William and the genie was good. Then it seemed to begin to get lost a little right around the second wish.

The strange thing is that the wishes were the original idea for this one. The characters sort of invented themselves when I began writing and I just sat back and let them talk to me.


Quoted from Breanne
If thereís some way to finagle the language so it wonít be so obvious...I donít know though, it may work on film. It may fly by before anyone has a chance to rationalize it.

I know, I struggled with this. At first I just had WIlliam ask her to bring them back to life, but it didn't seem to fit. Maybe I should just have the language very plain and make the genie really cruel in her interpretation of his wish. But maybe it would work on screen.


Quoted from Breanne
William wishing to fly was an interesting choice, given the situation. It works insofar as provoking interest from the reader to see where this is heading. But the flying zombies came off to me as sort of a reverse deus ex machina. Instead of coming out of nowhere to save our hero, it popped up expressly to destroy him. And it brings the whole story into question; if the genie can just add whatever she wants to someoneís wish, she should be able to easily destroy her master. I mean, why not just make the zombies faster from the second wish so they could destroy William before he could make a third wish?

Wow, that was a lot for a newbie to swallow. I struggled with the third wish as well, I needed a mechanism for William to use to live out his dreams- destroying everyone. Flying seemed like one that would work for a teen. Any suggestions for a different one? I'll look up deus ex machina as soon as I can, not familiar with that one.


Quoted from Breanne
So for me the ending basically undermined the entire story. That aside, I still think the premise of the genie manipulating someoneís own flaws to achieve her own personal goal is a damn good idea and it was an entertaining story.

I'll be reworking this one, so I'll try to let everyone know when it comes out. Thanks for reading.

I'll get to everyone as soon as I can. Thanks for all comments.

James



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 24
steven8
Posted: February 12th, 2009, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
Green


You're never alone...

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
848
Posts Per Day
0.47
I had to look it up too.  From Wikipedia:

A deus ex machina , literally ("god from the machine") is a plot device in which a surprising or unexpected event occurs in a story's plot, often to resolve flaws or tie up loose ends in the narrative.[1] Neoclassical literary criticism, from Corneille and John Dennis on, took it as a given that one mark of a bad play was the sudden invocation of extraordinary circumstance. Thus, the term "deus ex machina" has come to mean any inferior plot device that expeditiously solves the conflict of a narrative.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 24
James R
Posted: February 12th, 2009, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
231
Posts Per Day
0.09

Quoted from tonkatough
"word wish at your own risk" As in wording a wish, selecting the right words for your wish so you get exactly what you want.

Is that an official term used somewhere? I could gather from the context what it meant, I was just curious. Thanks for reading tonka.


Quoted from dogglebe
In an episode of the X-Files, Mulder found a genie in a lamp (a rolled up area rug, actually) who granted him three wishes.  The first two ended up being reversed because of the whole monkey-paw thing.  For Mulder's third wish, he wrote it down.  IIRC, it was about twenty pages long, making sure it wouldn't him in on the A**.

So are you going to elaborate on this, Phil, or make all of us look it up?


Quoted from BryMo
I liked where you were going and i loved the idea. But the zombiess really threw me for one giant loop.

At least you're not alone. Like I have said before, the wishes were the originators of this story, the characters came later. I'm sure my logline threw people off, which I intended. I tried to hint through body language and demeanor that the genie was sick and tired of her gig and found a simple way out. Too subtle? Does she need to say that is sick and tired of it? Thanks for the comments, Bryan.


Quoted from directoboy12
That being said everything before page four is solid, very well written.

This was my favorite part of your review, Tanner . Sorry you didn't like the zombified ending either. Have you ever written a script to intentionally throw people a curve? It's kind of fun, if you haven't. Thanks for the comments.

And thanks to Steven for being so thorough. May we continue to learn together.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 24
Sham
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 5:35am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Georgia
Posts
355
Posts Per Day
0.11

Quoted from tonkatough
monkey-paw thing? can you please explain that Phil? I have never heard of the expression and I am intrigiued.

I'll elaborate for him. If I make a mistake, Phil, let me know.

'The Monkey's Paw' is a short story by W.W. Jacobs. I read it as a freshman in high school and did a paper on it, so I'll do my best to describe what happens.

The story basically concerns an elderly couple who receive a monkey's severed paw as a gift from a friend. The friend tells them the paw has the power to grant three wishes. When the friend leaves and the couple is left alone, one of them immediately wishes for a large sum of money, and not long after, their only son is accidentally killed at work, an incident that grants the couple the exact sum of money they wished for.

They're not happy with their wish, and the wife is so remorseful from her loss that she makes the mistake of wishing for her son back. But the father knows his son was mutilated when he died, so when there's a knock at the door, he immediately uses his final wish to get rid of the thing trying to get inside their house.

The basic idea is that every wish comes with a consequence. That's what Phil alluded to when he used the phrase "monkey-paw thing."


The Doll - New!
Hiccups - 2013 Shriekfest Finalist! Filmed!
The Thing That Wasn't - Filmed!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 24
colkurtz8
Posted: February 20th, 2009, 6:36am Report to Moderator
Yellow


You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

Location
--> Over There
Posts
1310
Posts Per Day
0.59
James

I haven't read any comments on the board so forgive me if i repeat what has already been said.

Obviously the premise isn't anything new, but you approached it with a fresh angle through William's less then desirable character and for the most part it worked. William's renegade type attitude was the highlight for me.

The opening sequence of him leaving the house in a huff, throwing the cigarettes away & his auto-response to passing cars made me laugh. Straight away we knew what William's was about.


"A car drives by and honks. Williamís auto-response is the
finger. The driver waves to his neighbor who is visible in
her window. She looks at him, shocked, and he gives her the
finger too. She shuts her curtains."

-- Maybe I'm stupid but I can't make much sense of this paragraph. You seem to change from the person passing in the car to a neighbour looking out her window, it is a little unclear.

Maybe, but I hate my family and my
friends are imaginary so they can
have whatever they want

-- Great line

"Immediate silence. No children playing, no cars driving, a plane falls out of the sky and crashes somewhere in the distance."

-- There shoots the budget up a couple of zeros.

"I donít think youíd
understand the wishing process as a
zombie. Theyíre pretty dumb."

-- Good line

I didn't like the Zombie direction it took, however. It is definitely the most bastardized/over done of all genres. Just take a look at the horror section on the discussion boards here, but I guess that what the audience craves for.

GENIE
So, what, youíre going to see if
you can annoy them all to death?
Youíre a psycho. I should.

-- Again maybe I'm slow but what was she gonna say here??

Even though yours was a light hearted tongue in cheek approach, the arms-outstretched-walking-at-one-speed image has been seared into any movie goer's subconscious. It doesn't stir up any reaction in me at all anymore, its just the "norm" with so many horror movies. Of course this is just my own humble opinion, nothing more.

In the end, did the genie just make the zombies fly because she didn't approve of William's attitude & wish choice??

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 24
James McClung
Posted: February 21st, 2009, 1:49am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Washington, DC
Posts
3131
Posts Per Day
0.94
I love the idea of making the wrong wishes through poor word choice. It all felt very natural and funny. I'd say everything up to the second wish is solid, albiet a tad exaggerated. I think it's hard to ruin a good story with zombies but really. Everyone knows what "undead" means, especially annoying angst-ridden teenagers. I just don't see zombies happening here, that is if you're trying to make things realistic (within the confines of the "world where genies exist" you've created, of course). Even so, it seems silly. The last wish is even worse. Completely random. It'd make a good first wish, not a third, especially considering the last wish isn't exactly a throwaway for Willie boy, here.

I know I'm basically repeating what everyone else has said but your premise seriously needs to be rethought.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 24
James R
Posted: February 23rd, 2009, 11:42am Report to Moderator
Purple


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
231
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey, Col. Thanks for reading, glad you at least had a few laughs while reading.

The quick scene outside William's house was just to slather on the fact that he was a jerk. The car drives by and honks. Without even looking to see who it is WIlliam flips the bird. Then he sees that the honk was intended for the neighbor who is standing in her window. She sees him and his finger and gets a disgusted look. Then, just to be an a$$, he turns the finger on her. Then she shuts her curtains. It all takes place from the front yard so I thought it made sense, but I guess the scene in my mind made more sense than the scene on the page.

I know, I have gotten a lot of responses that it started out strong and spiraled down into zombie-movie-hell.

The genie was about to say that she should do something she wanted so that William got what he deserved but stopped herself. Genie rules.* I don't make them up. Thanks again.


Quoted from James McClung
I love the idea of making the wrong wishes through poor word choice. It all felt very natural and funny. I'd say everything up to the second wish is solid, albiet a tad exaggerated.

Hey James, great name. I should ignore your post after you spelled such a great word as "albeit" wrong, but since you share my name I will look past it. I'm glad you liked the ideas, many have said as much. And I know it's been done before and nobody is a fan of the third wish. I thought it typical for a teen like William to not be able to resist the wish fulfillment of flying. Then the first thing he does is grab a sword. It's dumb, but I thought it was funny. Like every zombie movie I've ever seen. Thanks for reading.

James R

* At the present time, I'm not really sure.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 24
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short  [ previous | next ] Switch to:

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006