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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Reborn Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: March 1st, 2009, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Reborn by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Joel's used in a plan that falls flat in his face. - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



No matter where you go, there you are.
--Buckaroo Bonzai
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BryMo
Posted: March 1st, 2009, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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As soon as this uploaded onto my screen and i read the first few lines i was in "oh jesus..." mode. Where is he going to go with this one LOL.

So i read on,

I think i could say this was a modern day twist on an old story.

I think i'm speechless LOL.

So here's how i'm going to play it. I won't lie this isn't Charlie Kaufman literary stylings but it sure was amusing. I think a person needs to be in the mood for it though. I came expecting something else entirely but i think that's becuase of your logline. The logline (to me) has little to do with the story and could probably be used better.

To someone who has no idea what this piece of work is about could read what is on right now and  see: Joel's used in a plan that falls flat in his face.

That's an injustice to yor writing. Sorry, i just think this one deserves more reads and your logline isn't going to get it for you.

Anyway, i liked it. Thought it was very quircky.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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vorodot007
Posted: March 2nd, 2009, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one as well.  Who doesn't enjoy a good Jesus story!  I thought the way you portrayed apostles was hillariuos,  I don't know if you tried to make them seem stupid, but thats the way I took it.  You always seem to have a good punchline at the end of your shorts and this one is no different.  The only thing can really comment on is pacing of the story.  It didn't seem to flow al that well.  I think with the flashback it got kind of messed up.  Great read though.
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jayrex
Posted: March 3rd, 2009, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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Hey Bryan & Mitch,

My last comment before I rest my tired eyes.

This is my Easter script and with well established characters like Jesus and Judas I felt I had to have a stab at this.

Yeah the logline sucks.  I don't think it's easy writing one for this script without being a spoiler in itself, and I've had a bit of practice too with the logline game.  I also think the title's not quite right.

Happy you like it Bryan.

Mitch,

Happy you thought this was a great read.

I think the flashback is alright the way I've done it, as when it ends it ties in well with the current storyline, but others may feel differently.

I'm really not sure about the ending.  Sounds too silly.  I think the ending could be dropped or possible rewritten.  But I wanted to squeeze in that Easter theme.

Cheers,


Javier



Revision History (1 edits)
jayrex  -  March 5th, 2009, 8:36pm
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bobtheballa
Posted: March 3rd, 2009, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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This was amusing and twisted... almost as much as that script I read recently with horny zoo animals. Who wrote that?

Anyway, I enjoyed the new take on the story of Easter. The only problem was this section of dialogue which I didn't really understand:

JUDAS
What have you done? He was suppose
to be in hiding.

MARTHA
I didnít stop until I found a
better lookalike.

Judas waves his arms in the air.

JUDAS
(Shouts)
You found thee lookalike!

So after Martha brought them the lookalike she was supposed to hide Jesus but instead... looked for another lookalike? with the help of Jesus?

Other than that this was very entertaining. Another great read Javier!
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Majorgeneral316
Posted: March 4th, 2009, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I have to say interesting read. A lot of blasphemy but that's why I read it.

Like what bobtheballa said, that part of the dialogue got me confused but the ending was funny especially when a man runs to joel, who is dressed us as a rabbit, and begins wotshipping him.

Anyway, I'd like to read any future of your work.

Later.



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mcornetto
Posted: March 4th, 2009, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Jesus! Javier.

That was zany. You could clean it up a bit but well done!
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jayrex
Posted: March 4th, 2009, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Ian, much appreciated.


Quoted from bobtheballa
This was amusing and twisted... almost as much as that script I read recently with horny zoo animals. Who wrote that?

Anyway, I enjoyed the new take on the story of Easter.


Thanks, happy that this Easter script was enjoyed.


Quoted from bobtheballa
The only problem was this section of dialogue which I didn't really understand:

JUDAS
What have you done? ...lookalike!

So after Martha brought them the lookalike she was supposed to hide Jesus but instead... looked for another lookalike? with the help of Jesus?


Jesus was suppose to be nowhere near the garden.  Martha's stupid and continued to find lookalikes throughout the night.  The Romans caught her and found Jesus at the same time.  They were going to arrest Jesus in the garden like the Bible's version, except was found out, and the innocent victim Joel wasn't taken away after all.


Quoted from bobtheballa
Other than that this was very entertaining. Another great read Javier!


Thanks for the positive comments Ian.  All this reading and listening to advice from the others here on Simplyscripts is starting to pay off.

Cheers,

JT


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jayrex
Posted: March 4th, 2009, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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Thanks for the read majorgeneral, much appreciated.


Quoted from Majorgeneral316
Yeah, I have to say interesting read. A lot of blasphemy but that's why I read it.


If you liked all the blasphemy here, then maybe you might like the one I did with his dad?  Click here to read.


Quoted from Majorgeneral316
Like what bobtheballa said, that part of the dialogue got me confused...


Have a read of my explanation above to bobthebella.


Quoted from Majorgeneral316
... but the ending was funny especially when a man runs to joel, who is dressed us as a rabbit, and begins wotshipping him.

Anyway, I'd like to read any future of your work.


I'm happy and pleased you found this funny.

Cheers,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: March 4th, 2009, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Michael, love the comment zany.  That's what I'm aiming for when I do these type of scripts.

You'll have to look out and read the next script once I post it here.  You'll understand once you see the title.


Quoted from mcornetto
Jesus! Javier.

That was zany. You could clean it up a bit but well done!


Cheers,


Javier


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tonkatough
Posted: March 4th, 2009, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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The old Jesus switch-a-roo! Get's 'em every time.

I enjoyed this top stuff. Thou I must admit I am a bit confused with how the plan failed. To many Jesus in the one garden?

I think what through me off is Jesus is dressed as a bunny in the garden, he die on cross then Joel stumble out of tomb or hole dressed in bunny suit. Me no understand.  

But other then that, yeah any story that can weave a big furry rabbit costume into the New Testement gets a big thumbs up from me.  


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jayrex
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,

Happy you enjoyed this quirky script of mine.


Quoted from tonkatough

I think what through me off is Jesus is dressed as a bunny in the garden, he die on cross then Joel stumble out of tomb or hole dressed in bunny suit. Me no understand.


Martha's a prostitute who so happens to wear a bunny type costume to pull in the punters standing on the corners.  I introduced her wearing the outfit.

Later in the garden the Roman soldier drags in Jesus wearing Martha's outfit.  And instead of Jesus getting resurrected, it was just Joel stumbling out of the cave wearing Martha's clothes again.  What Martha and her clients get up to is their own private business.


Quoted from tonkatough
But other then that, yeah any story that can weave a big furry rabbit costume into the New Testement gets a big thumbs up from me.




Javier



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colkurtz8
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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You check out mine, I'll check out yours.

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Jay

I liked this. I'm always up for a bit of irreverence and this served it up by the barrelful. It got pretty busy in the last two pages with the jumping back and forth and then fast forwarding but it was all good, very entertaining.

JUDAS
Speak of the Devil, here he is. -- Classic line.

Judas as a pimp! -- Love it

The whole episode in the Garden of Gethsemane was comical. The "Off the clock" line was a highlight.

Nothing to add, amusing slant on the old story. I see Judas in a whole new light now, he's not such a bad guy after all.

Good job

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
colkurtz8  -  January 7th, 2010, 11:18pm
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jayrex
Posted: March 12th, 2009, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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Thanks for the read Col, happy you liked it.

This was my second religious themed script and for some reason I always have these nutty ideas on that topic.  Currently writing another one.

I don't think I'll be able to enter this into any Christian competitions with that Judas line.

Now I'm off to finish that script of mine.

Cheers for the read,


Javier


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DirectorG13
Posted: March 12th, 2009, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Like the straight-forward style of writing. That was nice to read. I'm so use to reading paragraphs upon paragraphs of description. It was a fun, harmless read but could easily be cut down. I think it runs on too long but I did enjoy it, however.

Best,

G
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