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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Reborn Moderators: bert
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jayrex
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Hello G,

Thanks for giving this straight-forward script a read, much appreciated.

Even though it ran on too long happy you enjoyed it.

I do wondered where I could possibly cut back?

Cheers,


Javier


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Andrew
Posted: March 19th, 2009, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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Hi Javier,

Just had a read through this.

Enjoyed it as it did make me smile, but do think it would probably be a difficult little short to film.

Not really my type of read, but having said that, I did enjoy, so that's a testament to your writing. Nice job, mate.

Just a quick Q - was there a nod to Ricky Gervais with the 'digging the toe in the ground' from Martha? Made me think of him anyway.

All the best,
Andrew


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JonnyBoy
Posted: March 19th, 2009, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

Read through this a couple of times but can't really find much to say. As an Easter script I think it works well.

The line of dialogue that I found confusing, and I think the one other people are referring to, is "You found thee lookalike!" Is that just a simple typo, with 'thee' instead of 'the'? Because that's much simpler than some of the biblical references I was trying to link it to.

I notice you said the title didn't really fit - I agree. Who exactly has been reborn here? Can't think of a better one off the top of my head, though!

So all in all, I enjoyed it.

Jon


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jayrex
Posted: March 19th, 2009, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Andrew,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.


Quoted from Andrew
Enjoyed it as it did make me smile, but do think it would probably be a difficult little short to film.


Agreed, this was written just for fun.


Quoted from Andrew
Not really my type of read, but having said that, I did enjoy, so that's a testament to your writing. Nice job, mate.


Ta.


Quoted from Andrew
Just a quick Q - was there a nod to Ricky Gervais with the 'digging the toe in the ground' from Martha? Made me think of him anyway.


Ricky's great, especially on the 11 o'clock show.  But this isn't a nod to Ricky.

Cheers,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: March 19th, 2009, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Jonny,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
Read through this a couple of times but can't really find much to say. As an Easter script I think it works well.


That's what I'd like to read.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
The line of dialogue that I found confusing, and I think the one other people are referring to, is "You found thee lookalike!" Is that just a simple typo, with 'thee' instead of 'the'? Because that's much simpler than some of the biblical references I was trying to link it to.


I intentionally used 'thee' as it's used in the bible.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
I notice you said the title didn't really fit - I agree. Who exactly has been reborn here? Can't think of a better one off the top of my head, though!


Jesus came back from the dead and left a cave.  Reborn, Double Trouble, Double Vision.  The titles crap.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
So all in all, I enjoyed it.


Great,


Javier


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 30th, 2009, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Jayrex. I just read this. Sorry for the delay.

Right of the bat, I noticed your descriptions were EXTREMELY vague, even for screenwriting standards. 'Straight-forward' is one thing, 'empty' is something else entirely.

You never describe the scenery nor any of the characters (but then again, your characters are popular biblical figures, so I don't think they're particularly necessary).

That was probably intentional, but I do think it detracted from the overall reading experience. Right at the beginning -- "JUDAS speaks to JESUS" -- cool. But we know they're talking because, well, we're reading their dialogue. Just give a two sentence description of the tavern instead.

Remember, even though descriptions are supposed to be vague in screenwriting, setting up a scenery helps create a mood for the reader  -- it highlights the scene better.

I'm probably being too critical -- I know this was written for fun and I know you're aware of these things. But I still think you could've done a better job on a technical level, regardless of its light-hearted nature.

On the bright side, I did enjoy it. There were no big laughs for me but I had a warm feeling about it throughout regardless. Judas being a pimp made me chuckle. It made my day better, actually. So thanks for that.

--Julio

  

  

  
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