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SimplyScripts
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Found by James Redd - Short, Drama - A young girl emerges from a cellar into the silent eeriness of a post-apocalyptic world. She journeys to find the door to which she holds the key as something follows her trail. (4 pages) - pdf, format


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theMADhatter
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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James,

This was nice. I'm alway interested in post-apocalyptic stories, so this caught my eye. The visuals were great and painted a great picture. I definitely assumed the worst with the end and was surprised with how it came out. I liked it overall, and it was a good piece of writing. This would be a good part of a bigger script, but after reading I kind of asked myself "what was the point?" Not to sound mean or degrading, it was good writing. I think you get what I mean.

Keep up the good work.

-kjb.



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James R
Posted: March 16th, 2009, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for reading. I don't take any criticism personally, I take it as criticism (I think most of us here at SS are that way). So you're saying there wasn't enough of a story. I have to admit that after writing it and reading it over it sort of felt like a music video or something, which makes sense because the idea came to me while listening to "Born to Be Mild" by Sinner DC.

Anyway thanks for reading and the comments.

James


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colkurtz8
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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James

Very 28 Days Later-ish, I think animation would be the best path to take with this as its not the most filmeable 4 pager out there.

I like how you point out that she doesn't see the decimated bird "too high for her to see", or the human skeleton just inside the shop window, as if to try and maintain her precious innocence amid something so catastrophic.

What age is the girl supposed to be?

I did like this for what it was. Good little story, nicely structured, well put together. It reminded me of Resident Evil 1, for the PS2 where a similar 1st person perspective camera takes over following your trail...unfortunately its not some glorious saviour but a new breed of monster with a penchant for swiping your characters head in one shot.

Anyway, this was quite good, kept me gripped for the few pages. I preferred it a lot more to "So many words" good prose if over explained at times but given that there's no dialogue I guess you add to beef it up somewhat and give the reader an inkling of what the girl feeling, thinking, expressing, etc.

Good job.

Col.




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Majorgeneral316
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Cool man,

Thought I'd take a look.

I have to say for a no dialogue script it was pretty good. I'm not gonna lie it had me guessing, I thought the thing chasing the girl was some horrible creature and she was about to be FOUND, but I was happily surprised when it was her father.

Some of the descriptions at the start could be reworded for a smoother read, but it's not really a big deal. It was easy to visualis and IT was a well worth the read.

Cool.

MG



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James R
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Col. Thanks for keeping up with me, I'll make sure I've read all of your stuff. Your comments are always insightful and welcome.


Quoted from colkurtz8
Very 28 Days Later-ish, I think animation would be the best path to take with this as its not the most filmeable 4 pager out there.

Yeah, I think an animation would be cool too, though it wasn't written with that in mind.


Quoted from colkurtz8
I like how you point out that she doesn't see the decimated bird "too high for her to see", or the human skeleton just inside the shop window, as if to try and maintain her precious innocence amid something so catastrophic.

What age is the girl supposed to be?

Yes, that was the intention. I didn't put in an age, I guess I wanted it to be interpretable to different minds. The girl in my mind was about 8, though the age doesn't really matter as long as she isn't very tall and can believably be carrying a teddy bear.

Thanks again for the comments, and I don't think many people were too keen on "So Many Words" at all anyway. The process continues...


Quoted from Majorgeneral316
I have to say for a no dialogue script it was pretty good. I'm not gonna lie it had me guessing, I thought the thing chasing the girl was some horrible creature and she was about to be FOUND, but I was happily surprised when it was her father.

Hey, MG, thanks for the read. I'm glad you felt it was well worth five minutes of your time. And I'm glad I got you with the twist.

James


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alffy
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James

I enjoyed this little story.  You painted an atmospheric and lonely picture of the city.  I did wonder how old the girl was though, you did mention she was too small to see the top of the car so I guess she was pretty young.

There was good suspense here and I thought the ending was a nice twist.

Nice story mate.


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dogglebe
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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My only problem with this script was that it was overly detailed in the description, particularly the first page. It was more prose than script.

You kept the suspense at a good level, slowly increasing it, something that is dificult to do with such a short script.


Phil


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rendevous
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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James, I read this quite a while ago, but I was new round here then so, I didn't comment. Cue Smiths guitar "Shyness can stop you from stop you..."

However, that was then.

I have to agree with dogglebe about the overly detailed descriptions. That said, the descriptions were good, but a bit less, better worded, but would be a whole lot more. I'd try and avoid the word 'look'.  And hey, I wish I could practice what I preach. Ho hum.

You did a hell of a lot in what, four and half pages or so.  Sans dialogue too. I didn't see the end coming, I very much doubt anyone would. The big plus was it worked very well.

I also didn't see one typo. Now that is something.


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James R
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
I enjoyed this little story.  You painted an atmospheric and lonely picture of the city.  I did wonder how old the girl was though, you did mention she was too small to see the top of the car so I guess she was pretty young.

There was good suspense here and I thought the ending was a nice twist.


Hey, thanks for the read and the comments, alffy. This was my first attempt at a script w/o dialogue so I'm glad you liked the world I created. She was supposed to be young, or at least small.


Quoted from dogglebe
My only problem with this script was that it was overly detailed in the description, particularly the first page. It was more prose than script.

You kept the suspense at a good level, slowly increasing it, something that is dificult to do with such a short script.


Hey Phil, thanks for the compliment on the suspense. I tried to accurately describe the world I saw, and going over it I don't really see what part was overly descriptive. Any part in particular that you didn't think worked? Does that make it unfilmable? Maybe just annoying?


Quoted from rendevous
James, I read this quite a while ago, but I was new round here then so, I didn't comment.


No worries, I was on here reading for some time before I decided to make any comments too.


Quoted from rendevous
I have to agree with dogglebe about the overly detailed descriptions. That said, the descriptions were good, but a bit less, better worded, but would be a whole lot more. I'd try and avoid the word 'look'.

Like I asked dogglebe, any part(s) in particular? While I admit it was a little more poetic than most of my other scripts, I like how it sounds while I'm reading it.


Quoted from rendevous
You did a hell of a lot in what, four and half pages or so.  Sans dialogue too. I didn't see the end coming, I very much doubt anyone would. The big plus was it worked very well.

Glad you liked it, I hope I got you with the twist.


Quoted from rendevous
I also didn't see one typo. Now that is something.

Big compliment for me, I'm a stickler. I think there are too many scripts posted here that needed a little more editing before they were posted. Thanks for the read.

James


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rendevous
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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It is a good script James. And the end did get me. As for the wording I just had a go at editing your first page. It's far easier to criticise than it is to edit.

It's certainly not unfilmable. To me it just read as if it could be condensed. I'm not sure all those details you have are all necessary. Then again I'm not sure which should go. I didn't think it was prose, but it was on the way.

"The trees are weighed down and sad." That's a good line, but it does sound more like a line from a poem than from a screenplay. If I knew exactly what it meant and a clear image sprang to mind, then it'd be great. But, I just get a feeling I know what it means. Maybe I'm wrong, god knows that's happened before.

I've just read through your script again. I think it's more the fact you're fond of a long sentence. Perhaps shorter sentences and a few more commas would help.
Something I missed on the first read was 'walks'. Kids don't tend to walk. They skip, jump, slouch and crawl. Those might not be so appropriate here but you follow what I mean.
As for the typos I just reread a script I sent in a while ago and found two. Fukc ti.


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jayrex
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hello James,

I'm in the same boat as theMADhatter.  I enjoyed the story, great descriptions but the ending was like, not like a proper ending.  Just imagining this story shot makes me think this is the first four pages to a feature.

The scene is set, the father has found his daughter, the area is abandoned, what's next?  I would be interested to read more.

All the best,


Javier


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JamminGirl
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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I quite like the script, it had mystery, and kept my interest. But why did it end so abruptly? I still haven't figured out why things are the way they are and why this seem such a shock to the girl when the entire place is covered with dust...


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James McClung
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Not a bad script. Maybe a little too simplistic for its scale but whatever. You did a good job building suspense as others have said. I think the repeated slugs is what did it. You knew how far these two were apart the whole time. I liked the ending. Too many scripts here ending with people being ripped to pieces. I think if you'd taken that root, your script wouldn't have much of an identity. I didn't think the writing was too descriptive. It flowed quite nicely, actually. Then again, I'm a little overly descriptive myself. Whatever. This was good for what it was and I think that's enough.


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James R
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Quoted from rendevous
I've just read through your script again. I think it's more the fact you're fond of a long sentence.

Yes, if you compare this script with any of my others you will find that I got a bit long-winded in this one. Maybe I was trying to make up for the lack of dialogue. And point taken on actions, walk is pretty boring. I like to use pad for kids, that's the best way to describe their movement to me. Somewhere between a walk and jog. Not when they are feeling alone, though. Thanks again for the comments.


Quoted from jayrex
The scene is set, the father has found his daughter, the area is abandoned, what's next?  I would be interested to read more.

Hey, Javier. Thanks for reading. I think this would have to change a bit to be a longer script as I'm not sure how long I could go on without dialogue and keep it interesting. Or what the rest of the story might be.


Quoted from JamminGirl
I quite like the script, it had mystery, and kept my interest. But why did it end so abruptly? I still haven't figured out why things are the way they are and why this seem such a shock to the girl when the entire place is covered with dust...

I'm not sure exactly what you mean about the ending, like you were hoping for more after the climax? I couldn't really think of more to add that would benefit the story any. Any suggestions?


Quoted from James McClung
Maybe a little too simplistic for its scale but whatever.

Also not sure what you mean by simplistic, James. Not enough of a story?


Quoted from James McClung
Too many scripts here ending with people being ripped to pieces. I think if you'd taken that root, your script wouldn't have much of an identity.

That was my hope for the twist, that you would expect a monster to rip her to shreds. Glad it worked. Thanks for reading, James.

James


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