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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Do You Have A Clubcard? Moderators: bert
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  Author    Do You Have A Clubcard?  (currently 5871 views)
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie

Sorry my bad. For some reason I thought you said it was on page 35, good catch mate.

I'll check out "Blueprint for life" when I get a chance its only one of yours I haven't read according to your site anyway. Nice job on that too, well put together.

Cheers

Col.


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steven8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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That'd be swell, col.  Thanks.  Read it from my thread as well, as it is in total rewrite right now, and in the second draft, not much will make sense after page 21.  The first twenty one pages of the second draft are the rewrite of the first 17 pages of the first draft.


...in no particular order
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cloroxmartini
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Story about Thomas, a grocery store clerk, who catches the eye of Nicole, a nympho for men in uniform, specifically grocery clerk uniforms. Nicole seduces Thomas every chance she gets as long as Thomas wears his uniform and spouts out the line “do you have a club card.” Nicole eventually jumps Thomas while he’s working and Thomas gets suspended. Since Thomas is longer a working man in uniform, Nicole takes back her old boyfriend, also a store clerk in uniform, leaving Thomas only memories of wild sexual rendezvous’ with Nicole.

The plot was very well developed and very strong from the setup to end. Reminded me of a harder version of what I might see on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I felt like the first 10 pages should have been 5. You do a great deal of action writing in order to get your image across and I think you could pare the action writing down, being more selective about your words, and you wouldn‘t miss a beat. The same thing happened when describing the Raging Bull picture above the bed. When you described that altercation between Gary and Thomas, you became less wordy. Also when Gary finally took Nicole away from Thomas, you were less wordy. Those parts read best.

Dialogue was good and contemporary with current dialogue in R movies and cable shows.

The characters spoke and reacted as they would in real life, or at least this slice of it, and did not come off as fabricated in order to fill the plot. The characters lived and the plot developed from there. Nicole needed a man in uniform and by god she was going to get one. Thomas was properly shocked and dismayed, but, like any good red blooded young man, never let that get in the way of getting laid. Bill is the proper envious sidekick with a thing for older women (good setup and payoff). Gary plays out the jealous ex who figures out how to get his girl back. The requisite bit parts help move the rest of the story along.

Writing was good considering observations mentioned above. Several type-o’s and grammatical errors. It appeared to me that Thomas had Gary’s lines on page 36, 37.

Overall it was interesting and engaging for what it is; a guy’s wet dream with a few bumps and bruises along the way. I didn’t laugh much, chuckled some. For me it was more along the lines of holy shit, really. Chalk that up to age.
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escapist
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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I thought you had a really good story here.  I thought you were taking it somewhere else, and I was pleasantly surprised with how things ended up.

The biggest problem for me was that the script feels a bit bloated.  I think you can probably cut this down to about 30 pages and have a much better piece.  The opening conversation between Thomas and Bill was largely unnecessary, as is the opening montage.  Nicole and Thomas' conversation in the bread aisle also runs a big long.  You don't have to show us everything they say...the time and place are more or less irrelevant, for example.

There are several other areas like this that can use a trim.  Probably the most important one is when Gary comes in and punches Thomas.  Rather than having him reveal everything right there, save it for when he stops by Nicole's later.  As it is, it really steals the thunder from the later scene.  We already know he's going to get her back.  I would cut everything from"a fad that's all" to "Thomas takes his hand away".

While I give you major points for referencing Crash (the good one), it's definitely not a movie I think anyone should assume other people have seen.  Maybe tweak her line a little there.

The ending felt a little lackluster to me, too.  I see what you're going for, but I think you need to give some indication that the woman is interested in Bill.


I have nothing that you can read.
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sniper
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col,

Just want to reiterate what I wrote you earlier when I first read your script.

I feel this is a very solid piece with an interesting and often funny premise. The characters are all very lively and engaging. Nicole is obviously a scene-stealer as she should be but I think Thomas manages to hold up on his own, and I attribute that to your use of Bill and their conversations together - though sometimes pure exposition, it works in getting Thomas' view of things across.

The only thing that bothers me about the story is the fact the Thomas gets suspended without pay from his workplace. I don't know how it works everywhere in the world but I've never heard of that before (other than in pretty much every cop movie) but not in the private sector.

GARY
You may have swooned her with this
place...your fancy uniform.

Hehe - I loved that line.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tonkatough
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col.

You know, I think this may the be the first script of yours that I actually got through to the end.

I really really enjoyed this one. It was a tight focused story centered around a uniqe and clever idea of Nicole who gets off on- of all things -a grocery clerk.

Obviously you have been paying attention to the reviews of your scripts or have burrowed your nose into "how to do plot structure" books as the plot of this script was perfect and is focused like a lazer while your previous scripts I read where lose sprawling, episodic wastlands of everything and nothing.

The whole pot smoking slacker Thomas was a bit of a Kevin Smith clique. But Nymphoid Nicole was an awesome character and the perfect central problem that drove the whole plot forward.  Gary was like a big gorilla version of Frank Booth.

Totally agree with the person above about how you write action. I didn't notice the problem myself but if what he suggests can shave off five pages from your scripts it is worth looking into.

This was a great script and I look forward to your next one.  


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 4:00am Report to Moderator
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cloroxmartini

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Yeah, they opening scene feel a little extended at 10 pages but it was down to the complex descriptive I needed to get across.

I wanted to let the reader know of Nicole leanings without being too obvious and then get Gary out of the picture so Nicole and Thomas could have a proper meet & greet.

The reason why the final exchanges between Gary & Thomas are less wordy is because the everything has being set up, its a case of letting the characters do the talking.

I don't want to insult the audiences by being over explicit, finding that right balance is key and something I've yet to master.

"Thomas was properly shocked and dismayed, but, like any good red blooded young man, never let that get in the way of getting laid."

-- I'm glad you said this, because a major talking point I had with someone was that Thomas doesn't really have much of a goal throughout the piece "A victim of circumstance" was how he summed up Tomas's situation...and he was correct.

My point being "so what", he's a guy who has just crossed paths with a hot, sexy girl who wants him bad. Why shouldn't he just hang in their for the "ride" and get all the sex he can...until he realises he's in way over his head with the warring couple.

I'm kicking myself over the Thomas getting Gary's lines on pgs 26-27, very sloppy.

You say there are several grammatical errors, where?

"I didn’t laugh much, chuckled some." -- Again I'm glad you said this, I never intended it too be a laugh out loud or gross comedy. There always too much of those dumbass pictures around at one time for my liking, without me trying my hand at them, not my cup of tea generally.

I'll try and cut out some of the prose in the rewrite and see about dropping scenes...something I'm very slow in doing most of the time.

Once again thanks for taking the time, if you have anything done let me know. I'll take a look.



Escapist

Cheers for the comments, man.

The biggest problem for me was that the script feels a bit bloated. -- Yep I've heard this before and I'll hear it in the future. Subsequent rewrites down the line will strive to remedy this.

Interesting point you made about about cutting the Gary punching Thomas scene and leaving everything to the end. When I was writing it I considered that to be the primary confrintation because of the public location and heightened drama of the scene...All done with tongue firmly placed in cheek of course.

Whisch is why I gave Gary some grandiose, hard man lines. The guy thinks he's the sh?t.

"While I give you major points for referencing Crash (the good one), it's definitely not a movie I think anyone should assume other people have seen.  Maybe tweak her line a little there"

-- Sorry, brother I have to disagree with you on this one. If people don't know the film...well, thats fine by me. Makes it all the more rewarding when someone does.

I'm disappointed you didn't like the ending. Originally, It was just Thomas saying the line and serving the wannabes. More or less saying "I'm not going thru that again" the Bill part was added in a later rewrite. It worked for me, but I'll have a look at it again.

Thanks for the review, if have anything up here I'd love read em.



Robert

The only thing that bothers me about the story is the fact the Thomas gets suspended without pay from his workplace. I don't know how it works everywhere in the world but I've never heard of that before (other than in pretty much every cop movie) but not in the private sector.

-- I'm not sure about this either. I guess I was just being mean, rubbing salt in Thomas's wound. Plus I'd say Mr Reeve would pull a stunt like that if it were within the bounds of the law.

Also the circumstances in which Thomas was called up about (Reeve probably assumes Thomas threw a few punches himself) could warrant such a harsh dismissal. Employee rights or not I'm sure there are some stuff you can do in the workplace that will get you sacked without a leg to stand on.

Whether fighting is one or not, I can't say.

Many thanks for the positive remarks too.

Good, constructive advice all around fellas, is what I come here for, cheers.

Col.


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steven8
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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Fighting in the workplace can be dismissal on the spot.  In this case, Thomas wasn't fighting, but attacked.  However, Mr. Reeve has had a personal peeve against Thomas for some time, and seems to be using this opportunity to let it out.  He is stepping out of bounds a little as a manager, but I don't think he's that great of a manager to begin with.  A good manager should always keep things from being a personal vendetta, but it doesn't always work that way.


...in no particular order
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sniper
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 4:13am Report to Moderator
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I didn't mean the reason why he gets suspended, I was referring to the fact that he gets suspended without pay when the logical thing to do was to fire him.

I mean, you either work for somebody or you don't.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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steven8
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 4:22am Report to Moderator
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I don't feel he should have been fired for what happened.  Not the girl, nor the attack.  I definitely would have reprimanded him, and given him a verbal warning about what does or doesn't happen in the store, then maybe taken stronger steps later on, if things didn't clear up.  However, Reeve had to do what he did to drive the story forward!  


...in no particular order
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Posted: March 25th, 2009, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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This is really wierd man! ha ha it felt uncomfortable reading, an almost guilty pleasure at enjoying such a perverse story!
I dont know how long this would transfer to on screen but it would fit in an half hour show really well. Theres a few comedy strange ones on here, the haircut, numbers numb spring to mind, this could fit in nicely to a series of wierd and wonderful!
I was intrigued how this would end, the closing is very sharp and well done, makes the read well worth it.
No probs with any of the writing, though i dont know what a "bomb shelter menu" is, is that an American thing!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Tonka

Thank you for the kind remarks.

You have commented on all my shorts so far that I've posted here, and the feature I had up for a bit. I think it was that and "Engaged" you didn't finish and understandably so I may add.

I've actually been working on that 284 page, 2 part feature (yikes!!) the past few weeks.

Its currently down to 148 pages, so I've a lot done with still a bit to go yet.

"Gary was like a big gorilla version of Frank Booth." -- Thats the greatest compliment I could get, man. I actually watched it the other week for only my second time. What a character, what a film.

"The whole pot smoking slacker Thomas was a bit of a Kevin Smith clique."

-- Fair point, but thats simply because thats what the majority of those store clerks are like, the epitomize your average, everyday, pissed off working class stiff. They're everywhere, I know a few myself, walking cliche's in uniform.

Thanks again for checking out "Clubcard".

Steven8 & Sniper

Sorry I picked you up wrong, Robert.

Yeah, between catching Thomas talking to Nicole on the job -- to his less than shabby appearance on the morning shifts -- to the punch he gets off Gary -- plus Reeve's subsequent knowledge of Nicole's surprise visit the night before, I wanted it to be an accumulated, combo of things to result in his temporary dismissal, with Nicole being directly or indirectly responsible for each of the Thomas's "breaches"

I had always intended for Thomas to get suspended as so to set up the final scene. I dont think its completely unrealistic that he didn't get fired, part of Reeve probably get satisfaction out of barking at him, we've all had those kind of sadistic bosses.

"A good manager should always keep things from being a personal vendetta, but it doesn't always work that way." -- I think its fair to say Mr Reeve doesn't fall into the "Good Manager" column.

Barkman

Glad you enjoyed it, even more happy you felt uncomfortable reading it. An emotion I didn't forsee but its all good.

Yeah I'd like to believe it would fit into a 30min-35min slot, even with the way it is now.

"Bomb shelter menu" -- What I meant by that, was all the canned food the Freshers had was similar to that of a shopping list one would get for a "Bomb Shelter/bunker or whatever if there was ever a nuclear war to break out or a threat of an air raid like during war times.

Yeah I know, too much American TV.

P.s For the record, I'm not American.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts.

Col.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

thought I'd give this a read today.

My comments might seem somewhat useless to you because I don't really have much to add, suggest or complain about.

I thought it worked pretty well and was a quick and enjoyable read. I agree with some of the other comments that the beginning especially could be shortened or tightened some. I wouldn't say that it dragged, but it did go on longer than necessary.

Trying to think of something else to say... okay... if possible I would have liked some little comment or detail that would let me know why Nic has this obsession with the clerks, their uniforms and that line. I felt occasionally that it was too odd of a thing to not explain. Seemed a little unbelievable.

Also thought at the end that Thomas should've been too scared to want to try to get the attention of the woman. Especially after what he'd just been through with Nicole. Bill should IMO do everything he can to try to get her though. I know he might, but he should try REALLY hard. In a comedic way maybe even. Over the top so to speak.

That's all I have to say. I think you did a good job.  


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 27th, 2009, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Pia

I appreciate you taking the time to read this, I know its a long one. Its always great to get some feedback from you.

I was curious to see what the opposite sex would think of it,in particlur Nicole's character.

"Trying to think of something else to say... okay... if possible I would have liked some little comment or detail that would let me know why Nic has this obsession with the clerks, their uniforms and that line."

-- Never occured to me actually, length was already an issue without having a back story plus I don't think it was required. This was meant to be a bizarre, shortlived, whirlwind romance of sorts, both sides effectively out for the same thing.

I tried to convey this in the scene where Thomas tries to engage in meaningful conversation but is met with ridicule from Nicole, who counteracts by "impugning his cocksmanship" (to quote Max Schumacher from "Network")

I mean, how could one justify an odd fetish like that without concocting some equally ridiculous childhood experience o memory. I thought the story had enough randomness already.

"I felt occasionally that it was too odd of a thing to not explain. Seemed a little unbelievable."

-- Of course, that was my intention, this is tongue planted firmly in cheek (or at least my attempt at that style of story) And I totally understand if its not everybody's thing.

But look at the car incident, the events before it when Nicole mounts Thomas's checkout, the subsequent sex afterwards in the car itself, the whole premise is unrealistic to begin with, logic or reasoning was never going to be the order of the day.

I wrote this for the sheer entertainment, nothing more.

"Also thought at the end that Thomas should've been too scared to want to try to get the attention of the woman."

-- You must have mis read the ending, maybe I didn't make it clear enough.

That is why Thomas says the line to the "Wannabes". He is making the decision to serve them instead of telling them where to go like he done with the "Freshers" at the start. He doesn't want the attention of the woman in the queue for the very reason you just stated.

You may have thought he said the "Clubcard" line to impress the woman??. Now having Thomas come across 2 women with the same fetish in the space of a month would be a little too far-fetched...everything has its llimits.

"Bill should IMO do everything he can to try to get her though. I know he might, but he should try REALLY hard. In a comedic way maybe even. Over the top so to speak."

-- Good suggestion, that would definitelty dish up a more climactic conclusion. What I was aiming for was letting the reader know that "mature" women is Bill's vice, so to speak.

His expression relating back to the earlier scene when he is on the phone to Thomas watching the blue movie.

Who knows, maybe he did try his case when he served her, undeterrred by the exploits of his workmate.

Thanks again for the read, let me know if you have anything of a similar length, I'd love to read it.

Col.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 27th, 2009, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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I agree my comment seemed like I missed a few things. I didn't though. I was trying to think of anything, and I mean anything to say. So there, it's your fault for writing something that didn't need any fixing.


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